10 Bona Fide Benefits Of Being Single
Not too long ago, I was having a conversation with a newlywed wife who I could totally tell is still in the honeymoon stage of her relationship. Her eyes were beaming, her man's name came up every third sentence and, when she grabbed my hand to say grace with her, she made a point to rub my ring finger. Then, with a completely-non-patronizing-but-still-kind-of-awkward way, she looked at me and said, "Shellie, we've got to find you someone."
I'm not sure if by "we", she meant her and her man or her and the Lord but either way, I'm good. Not that defensive kind of good that I've seen single women throw out into the atmosphere that almost comes off as resentful or bitter rather than believable. What I mean is, what I say all of the time—"Until a man can love me the way that I know I can love a man, I need to remain single." It would belittle the institution of marriage and myself (not necessarily in that order) to do otherwise.
Besides, it's not like living the single life is some sort of consolation prize or something. One of the perks of being a marriage life coach is you're able to see the good that comes with being married. At the same time, you also get to see all of the sacrifices that come with it too. And ladies, there are more than just a few of 'em. There are almost so many that I should've rubbed on my sista-friend's ring finger and "aww-ed" her right on back.
It was that meal that inspired this piece. So, if you're a single woman—especially if you're a single woman who really wants to be married—please take a moment to at least skim through all of the reasons why you should not only tolerate your relational status but do a little dance right where you're standing.
Marriage is a beautiful thing. But girrrrrl, so is being single. Why do I say that? Read on.
1. Your Bed Is All Yours
One of my girlfriends is hilarious. Although she has a heart of gold, she isn't big on physical affection. Meanwhile, she married the kind of guy who can't even sit on the couch without making sure that one of his limbs is draped all over her. When I was talking to her about penning this, one of the things she said was, "I love my husband. But I'd kill for us to spend at least three nights a week in separate beds. We can't agree on the temperature, plus he sweats a lot and then has hurt feelings if I don't want to cuddle all throughout the night."
If you're someone who hates going to bed alone, I could see how you might be tempted to roll your eyes about her gripe. But as someone who likes to sleep right in the middle of my bed with my thermostat set to around 68 degrees and some rain ASMR playing, and as someone who wants to wake up when I feel like it and not because my hubby always wants to eat with me at the crack of dawn (which is something else my friend's husband does), I totally feel her "pain". When you're single, you can pick and choose if/when you want to share your bed. When you're married, eh, not so much. And since you vowed "until death parts us"…sharing your bed with another person is for a really, really long time.
2. You Can Still Experience Dating Firsts
While talking to the newlywed who was giving me the puppy dog eyes, one of the things she talked about is how awesome morning sex is. Le sigh. I remember those days. I don't disagree with her one bit on that tip. As she was asking me if I wanted to find a man so that I could enjoy that long-term relationship perk, my response was, "Morning sex is bomb. But one thing that I have that you don't is the opportunity for more firsts."
I wasn't implying that she won't get any more firsts ever. I mean, there's always a new city to see or even a new sexual position to try. What I was referring to is the fact that some of my favorite memories consists of relational firsts—the excitement of a first date, the thrill of a first kiss, the first time you hear "I love you." Single folks are able to still have these opportunities. Married folks—at least the faithful ones—not so much.
3. You Can Do A Lot More Things on a Whim
Something that I like about most of my married friends' relationships with their spouses is that jealousy is close to non-existent. For the most part, all of them are pretty secure in what they've got with each other, so going out with single folks like me isn't that big of a deal. The challenge is when you're married, out of courtesy for your partner, it's still important to share your plans with them. Sometimes, that plan also includes a budget. Also, sometimes their spouse already has things scheduled that conflict with what your married friend is trying to do—whether it's with you, with someone else or even alone.
Chile, do you know the complete and total freedom that comes with simply checking my bank account online and then heading right out the door? Today. Tomorrow. Next weekend. Whenever. I definitely think that one of the most underrated benefits that comes with being single is, other than your job, your time is totally your own. You can do what you want, when you want. There is nothing that needs to be run by anyone. That leaves room for so much spontaneity and total freedom.
4. Compromise Isn't Required
Something that a husband once told me about marriage is, "You never realize how selfish of a person you are until you say, 'I do'." That'll preach right there because, even when I hear a lot of married people talk about why they are about to get a divorce, there tends to be a lot of "I, I, I-ing" going on.
Sometimes, I will sit in sessions with couples who are considering getting engaged and I'm like, "For what? You two are way too self-centered for that." And while there are some perks to being the type of person who is "concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc.", when you sign up for "we", it's unfair—and a bit delusional—to approach your marriage in this way. It's simply not going to work without compromise, loads of compromise, from things like what kind of toilet paper to buy to where to go on vacation and spend the holidays.
Single people? Please. While we shouldn't be jerks about it, we can be selfish without a lot of explanation or apology. If we want or don't want to do something, there's not really that much fallout. We are our top priority (more on this point at the end), so we can make decisions with that reality in mind.
5. Opposite Sex Friendships Aren't an Issue
Something that I get asked quite a bit, especially by engaged couples, is if I think it's appropriate for married people to have friends of the opposite sex. Yes. Actually, let me give that more emphasis and say "YES!" A good opposite sex friend can offer up insight and support in ways that oftentimes go totally underestimated; especially to married folks. I think the reason why there is so much hesitancy around it is because, even some single people wonder, if it is cool to have opposite sex friendships when they are dating someone. The key is to remember that a true friend is going to respect boundaries, is going to honor your relationship and is going to do their best to make your significant other feel as comfortable as possible as well.
Unfortunately (at least from where I sit), a lot of husbands and wives don't see it this way. As a result, they don't have opposite sex friends and neither does their spouse (at least, not to their knowledge). When you're married, you have to respect this. When you're single, you can call and hang out with whoever whenever. Your friendships are your business. No "running it by someone real quick" is necessary.
6. There Is Total Financial Freedom
Another one of my friend's husband is frugal. And that's the nice word for it. He is so tight with money that he pretty much isn't going anywhere without using Groupon and, when anyone in the house goes shopping, they always need to produce a receipt. When I asked my friend if she feels like she's in a financial prison of sorts, about 80 percent of the time she doesn't, simply because, before him, her finances were in total disarray. But what she does say is she envies the fact that I am able to spend money more freely and prioritize my coins however I want to without somebody yapping a few feet away about how they feel about it.
To be fair, in the article "Sex and Finances Are Better for Married People. Don't Worry, Singles —You win Sleep", the author does share that between sharing bills and a potential double income coming into the home, that can make things less stressful for married couples. But they also flipped the coin and said that, when it comes to being single, "No one can deny your dream of weekly mani-pedis or slam the door on your meticulously decorated fan cave." I don't know about you but that's a pretty stellar perk, if you ask me.
7. You've Got More Time to Do You. And Only You.
Just think about it. If you want to get up at 3am for the next week to work on a business plan, who is going to pull on you about coming back to bed? If you want to have a spa day this weekend, who do you need to check and see if it's in the budget first? If you and your girls want to take a trip next month, does it matter if it's for a day or a long weekend? If you up and decide to go to the movies after work or to a restaurant, who do you need to make sure is cool with your timing? If you choose to up and quit your job, take money out of savings or totally change careers or move to a new state or country, who will it really affect?
Something that is so awesome about being single is you can totally focus on what makes you happy and a better person. No one else needs to understand or agree. You have the space to do you, however you want to do it. This is actually probably one of the things that married people grieve the most about leaving the single life. Whether they choose to vocalize it to others or not.
8. Emotional Stability Is Totally on You
OK, when it comes to this particular point, if you're in a healthy marriage, emotional stability should be a given. So, by no means am I saying that only single people are, well, stable. However, I can't tell you how many times that I've been on the phone with a friend or a client who was in a totally great mood. That is until their spouse sent a "Say what now?" text or their partner came into the house with some totally f'ed up energy. Then, almost immediately, it was like my friend or client was irritated, sad or totally pissed. They were fine on their own; their spouse's influence altered them.
In response to this particular point, you might say that all married people should do is learn how to master their emotions. But when you're sharing a roof, a bed and even your body with someone on a constant basis, that really can be easier said than done.
But when you're single? It is a whole lot easier to not let the influence of other people either affect or infect you. And, if it gets too hard to not take in negative energy, no problem—just remove yourself from it. Single people can shut doors and close out drama. It's harder for married folks to do this if the drama is their own partner.
9. You Get to Tolerate Less Intolerable Stuff
Your husband's meddling mother or annoying friend. His work-related events. Your husband's way of wanting to hog the remote or how he makes scrambled eggs. His like or dislike for pets when you feel the total opposite of him. Your husband's value system that may totally differ from your own. How he keeps—or doesn't keep—a bathroom. The household chores that he prefers vs. doesn't prefer. Whether your husband is a morning person or a night owl. His sexual appetite and preferences that might totally differ from your own. The little things that he does that were easier to overlook when you were dating but are like fingernails on the chalkboard now that you are married to him. These are the types of things that, once you are married, you've got to find a way to, at the very least, tolerate. Some of which just might remain that way—wait for it—for the rest of your entire life.
When you're single, none of this is a factor. And what if you're dating someone whose lifestyle doesn't complement your own? Although a lot of single people seem to forget this, one of the benefits of dating is so you can find your right fit. If the relationship isn't working out, you don't have to go through the grueling process of a divorce. The beauty that comes with where you are is, all you have to do is break-up. Yes, it might hurt, but ask any divorced person and they'll probably tell you that once everything shakes out and you come out on the other side, a break-up is still (usually) so much easier to go through.
10. You Are Your Top Priority
"Priority" is a dope word. Among other things, it means "the right to precede others in order, rank, privilege, etc.; precedence" and "something given special attention". Real talk, I believe that a lot of women who desire marriage are currently still single because they need to learn the art of making themselves their top priority. They need to stop giving some man, a man who isn't even their husband, certain privileges and super-high "rankings" in their life. They need to take all of that special attention that he's getting from them and turn around and give it to themselves instead.
We've all heard that we have to teach others how to treat us. If you don't take the opportunity of this single season of your life to show you how to be loved properly, by properly loving yourself, how can you model it to someone else?
If you make you a priority, there's a far greater chance that you will choose someone who will do the same—and you won't waste your time with the fellas who don't. Girrrl, if that ain't one of the biggest and best benefits of being single…I don't know what is!
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at email@example.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
Deanna Robinson, a health and wellness advocate and professional based in the Washington D.C. area has been helping Black and brown women reach their fitness goals for more than a decade. And with her brand of self-love and faith, she's redefining just what "fitness" means when it comes to women of all shapes and sizes.
There's definitely a need for women like Robinson, especially since recent research shows that between 47% and 55% of Black consumers' needs "are not being met" in the wellness space, and the U.S. fitness industry hit $32 billion last year and that it's important for Black women to see themselves prominently in the space.
As a health and wellness programming expert, licensed nutritionist, mom, wife, and former all-women's gym owner, Robinson has built up a body of experience that has culminated into doing something she loves via the FabBody Retreat, an experience for women ages 30-60 to be enriched via group activities, good food, and connection in the backdrop of tropical peace and tranquility.
This year's retreat was held in Grenada, with special guest and TV host icon Free Marie (BET's 106 & Park). Next year's event will be held in St. Maarten with plenty of opportunities to enjoy beach vibes, authentic and healthy dishes, and all the pleasures of being among other fabulous Black women seeking holistic wellness in paradise.
"My God-given purpose is to help serve, connect, and heal Black and Brown women," she said, taking her experiences serving corporate and individual clients via projects like the NFL's "Fuel Up To Play 60" initiative and the Nike Training Club live experience, to do just that.
xoNecole caught up with her to talk about why she chose the fitness industry, her success in launching and running the FabBody Factory, and how she's pivoted to use her skills to build impact on a larger scale in health and wellness.
xoNecole: What sparked your interest in a career in health and wellness?
Deanna Robinson: I have always been involved in sports, always been active in cheerleading, dance, [and] gymnastics. In my college career, I was a competitive cheerleader at the University of Maryland, College Park, and I've just always been passionate about physical activity, health, and fitness. I double-majored in kinesiology and public and community health, and it's always been a passion for me about others being well.
Out of college, I wanted to be a personal trainer, and I interviewed at a big-chain gym. I was really excited about getting this job, but when I had the interview, they informed me of what the split was—what the client paid, what I'd get as a personal trainer, and what the gym got. And I just thought it was a ridiculous split. I've always been into entrepreneurship as well, and doing things on my own terms, so I actually opened up my own gym in the community I grew up in called the FabBody Factory, an all-female gym in Upper Marlboro, Maryland.
I was able to hire several trainers, offer group classes and personal training, and one of the things I was always a big proponent of is making sure that they got a better cut than they would get at larger chains.
xoN: Talk a bit more about that in terms of starting a gym, especially one that caters to women. What was the process and motivation?
DR: I have worked out in big-box gyms before and just never felt comfortable. It was always really uncomfortable working out in a huge gym where men would be gawking at you or try to get your number when you're trying to focus on yourself in that moment. So I always wanted the FabBody Factory would be a safe haven where we didn't have to worry about our titties flopping when we're doing jumping jacks, it was just for us by us, and we could just [be] comfortable making ourselves a priority.
I was almost talked out of doing something like that because people would say, "You're cutting off half of your potential clientele," but I never had an issue. Women flocked to the gym, and I'd sometimes have to split classes. I might have to do part one of a class at one time and a second another time. It was majorly successful. Ladies loved it. And on top of this being all-women, it was all Black and brown women.
Culturally, we get each other, so it was a big social thing for us, too. We were able to fellowship with each other and get fit at the same time.
xoN: Your brand includes the concept of a 'Fab Body.' What does that mean for you---and just wellness---in general, for Black and brown women?
DR: FabBody in itself is not a look at all. It's more of a mindset and a willingness to invest in your mental, spiritual, and physical self. In promoting the FabBody Retreat, I actually had someone DM me and ask me, "Do you have to have a 'Fab Body' to come on the retreat?" and my response to her was that you do have a 'Fab Body.' Everyone has a Fab Body. It's more of a state of being—a sound, healthy mind, body, and spirit. It's not about aesthetics at all but about overall improvement.
xoN: You decided to pivot from owning a gym, which you ran successfully for more than a decade, to your current role in health and wellness programming and launching the FabBody Retreat. How did this come about?
DR: My gym closed last year, and the reason was because of where I saw myself going and where I wanted to be in the next 10 years. A lot of my time at the gym was selling and getting people to register for classes, and it wasn't as lucrative and fulfilling for me as it had been in the beginning.
Now I'm doing more consulting work with larger companies. One of my passions is programming, and that is where I see my future going. I'm moving more toward passive income, coming from my being able to use the knowledge I have from years in this industry and putting together programming that can reach the masses versus individuals.
xoN: What can people expect from the FabBody Retreat next year, and how does this venture continue your love for advocating for health and wellness among Black and brown women?
DR: One of the things that really sets this event apart from so many other retreats is that I have married everything that is important to me: wellness, my faith, and my community. God is a huge part of all of the events we do, and all are interwoven with faith-filled, intentional activities, and I think that's what makes it different. On Sunday, we do a service on the beach, and we always have a guest speaker—someone you can relate to where you don't feel like you're being preached to. It's an awesome experience, unlike any retreat I've seen.
It's definitely rooted in faith, but at the same time, there's a balance. We'll get on a boat and have a cocktail with an umbrella in it, and then we'll go back to wellness. There's a healthy balance.
Find out more about Deanna Robinson via Instagram @deannarobinsonfit and more on the FabBody Retreat via the website.
Featured image courtesy