I'm Not Your Relationship Goals: A Word To Single Ladies From A Married Woman
"You are goals."
A statement I've heard plenty of times from close friends, associates, to absolute strangers.
Though I know it is being said from a very positive place, I absolutely can't stand it. Not just when people say it to me, but when it's posted under couples pics to celebrity couples, and so on. Why does such a phrase bother me?
Because truthfully, no one ever really knows what is going on behind closed doors.
There were times when I too would look at beautiful black strangers' pictures who seemed to have it all. There were times when I saw others' engagement announcements and felt a twinge of jealousy.
Why can't that be me?
Why aren't we engaged yet?
I would question my partner and myself, and somehow always ended up feeling unworthy or else, I would be engaged too, right? I would have the viral video too, right? I would be #goals too, right?
And now that I am, I see just how ridiculous the notion is.
A picture says a thousand words and what we don't see behind the smile and the ring, is what it took to get there. We don't see abuse, we don't see infidelity, we don't see the child(ren) that resulted in that infedility, we don't see the tears at night, we don't see the fights, the financial struggles, the insecurities, the problems that don't magically disappear after marriage.
We don't see the lows that aren't pictured in their IG highlight reels, we don't see nor do we know what happens behind those closed doors, what those people struggled with to get to where they are now, or the struggles they will continue to go through as they navigate their way through being married millennials in an age of instant gratification and divorce rates that are equal to that of marriage.
I rarely discuss my relationship/marriage in blogs because:
- Of the respect I have for my husband and his privacy.
- I don't nor have I ever wanted any of my blogs to be based on or considered to be any more valid due to my relationship status because, tuh #imdopeonmyown.
Alhough I am currently very happy with my husband and being married, that does not come without struggles. We have been through things in our 10 years of knowing each other that have been extremely trying. We have been together through the death of a parent, grandparents, family struggles, financial issues, heartache, a very trying year not being together and dealing with everything that comes with getting back together after 12 whole months of singleness, moving to different states where we knew no one and only had each other, and things even in our three months of marriage that have been some of the biggest hurdles of ever knowing each other.
Us, our relationship, and marriage are nowhere near perfect, just like all the beautiful couples out there whose relationships are deemed #goals.
Ask yourself what exactly is the goals part of that couple, that picture, those strangers, that makes you feel that they are something to aspire to be. Is it how amazing they both look in the picture, is it the way he smiles at her, is it her ring that makes your eyes and mouth water? What exactly is it that you are aspiring to when you say "goals"?
If it is a husband, you need to make a list of all the things you want in a husband and #goals that, not someone else's husband that you know nothing about.
Is it the way he proposed to her? Who doesn't want a bomb proposal? I thought I wanted mine to be this big production but ultimately, the way he proposed with just the two of us on a night walk on the beach of Catalina Island was absolutely perfect and I wouldn't have had it any other way.
Don't get so caught up in your #goals that you try to rush things to occur that you aren't truly ready for, that you settle for less than you deserve for the sake of having some arm candy to take cute pictures with, that you wind up in a relationship or marriage that is not pleasing to yourself, your husband, or your God.
Do some soul searching and find out what your goals in life really are and hopefully they are deeper than filtered pictures of your faves on Instagram.
*Originally published on Just My Thoughts
Featured image by Getty Images
Ashley Renee is a soul food enthusiast, sometimes vegetarian, writer and spoken word poet, who doesn't trust boxed macaroni or cats. keep up with her @ashleyreneepoet on Twitter & Instagram.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Rihanna Talks Shedding Expectations And Finding Balance As A Mother
Since becoming a mother in 2022, Rihanna has defined parenthood by her terms and hopes to pass that sense of autonomy on to her children.
For Vogue China’s April cover story, Rihanna shared her perspective on raising her two sons with A$AP Rocky, and how she hopes to preserve her children’s uniqueness, devoid of societal expectations.
"The most beautiful thing...is that [children] come into the world with their own individuality and sincerity, without any logic or conformity,” she told the publication. “Which usually makes you feel that you must fit into a certain group."
The “Work” artist, known for her trendsetting style and captivating persona, expressed her desire to support children in fully embracing their individuality and encouraging them to be whoever they want to be. "It's really beautiful to see and I want to continue to help them navigate that and make sure that they know they can be whoever they want to be,” she says.
She continues, “They should embrace it completely, because it's beautiful, and it's unique. I love them just that way."
From shattering music charts to shaking up the beauty industry, Rihanna has forged a path that has since created the “dream” life we see today. One that she says has made her parents proud of.
“I’m living my dream,” she continued. “My parents were very proud of that because they just wanted me to be happy and successful. So, I think the key thing is to find some kind of balance. Yes, balance is important. Do this and you get the best of both worlds. You can write your own life the way you want, and it will be beautiful. Sometimes, you just need to let go of everyone’s expectations and start living your own story.”
Rihanna, who shares sons, RZA, 23 months, and Riot, 8 months, with rapper A$AP Rocky, recently shared her vision for expanding her family in the future in Interview Magazine.
When stylist Mel Ottenberg asked about the number of additional children she hoped to have, Rihanna replied, "As many as God wants me to have.”
"I don't know what God wants, but I would go for more than two. I would try for my girl,” she adds. “But of course, if it's another boy, it's another boy."
Featured image by Neil MockfordWireImage