I already know I'm gonna get some "push back" on this. That's fine. As a marriage life coach — and someone who has dodged a bullet myself in this area — I've seen emotional affairs happen enough to stand firm on my opinion, which is this: I think having your spouse be your best friend is one of the best ways to affair-proof your marriage.
By no means am I saying that when you get married, your husband or wife should be your everything, that's too much pressure for any human being to endure. I'm not even saying that you shouldn't have friends of the opposite sex. What I am saying is, if you esteem your spouse as being the closest and highest quality friend that you've got (and they see you the same way), you'll probably be more prone to respect, trust, and emotionally rely on them above all of your other relationships. And that? That is what can keep what I'm about to share from creeping up on you.
'Cause here's the deal. Emotional affairs are an epidemic these days. Reportedly, 45 percent of men and 35 percent of women (although I personally believe it's A LOT more than that) have had one; 60 percent of them being work-related.
HBO's Insecure
And if you're someone who happens to think they're "not as bad" as a sexual affair, think again. People in emotional affairs tend to share intimate details about themselves, and sometimes stuff their own significant other doesn't know. People in emotional affairs tend to constantly compare their spouse to the other person. People in emotional affairs tend to have the kind of connection where both individuals really understand and enjoy each other — sometimes above their own husband or wife. What's "innocent" or "not so bad" about that?!
The reason why a lot of emotional affairs go undetected is because while it's clear when something has gone too far physically, sometimes people don't (initially) know when they've crossed the line on an emotional level.
In order to keep you from being an emotional affair statistic, here are some signs that I've noticed can have you caught up in someone who isn't your spouse — whether you realize it or not:
They Give You Butterflies.
Think back to the people who've given you those butterfly feelings, down deep in your stomach before. When you were a child, they were probably a teacher or one of your older siblings' friends. As you got older, it was probably someone you ended up dating, or at least kickin' it with. My point? Either it was someone you had a crush on, or someone who became more than a friend.
If there is someone in your life who has you feeling the way those people in your past did and that person happens to be married or in a relationship with someone else? Spin it however you want to, but you are attracted to them and on a slippery slope.
Attraction is the open door (or gateway drug) to taking relationships to the next level. If someone is spoken for, there should be no "level" on the menus other than a platonic connection and involvement.
You Are "Secret Friends".
I can't remember what movie I saw that had this line in it, but it stayed with me regardless — "Secrets are seductive". Keeping that in mind, there's a guy I used to counsel who had (count 'em) seven emotional affairs over the course of a 15-year marriage.
How'd he end up with so many? It's because he didn't think anything was wrong with what he was doing. In his mind, since he was just talking to other women on the phone, texting from time to time, and having lunch every once in a while, it was all good. After all, friends do that, right?
Yep. They do. Here's the problem, though. His wife knew NOTHING about ANY of these interactions.
I don't know about you, but I don't have any friends who are secrets from other people. However, back in my creepin' days, I messed around with folks that no one knew about, and that's just where I'm going with this. If you've gotta hide 'em, there's something shady that's either already going on or about to be.
(By the way, he ended up divorcing his wife and marrying one of those — ahem — "friends".)
You're Avoiding Their Spouse.
This point is connected to the one I just made. I have male married friends. Guess what? All of their wives have access to me. I've met them before and they have my phone number. It's for two reasons. One, I believe that when a woman trusts you enough to spend time with their man, on any level, that is a privilege; the least I can do is make sure she can reach me if she needs to. Two, if I care about my male friends, I should care about who and what they care about; their wife goes on the very top of that list.
While I might not be "besties" with the women, we're quite cool.
If you would prefer to avoid your friend's spouse (or significant other), unless they are psycho or something, you should ask yourself why. If everything's on the up-and-up, their partner knowing you shouldn't be that big of a deal.
Is it?
If They Were an Option, You'd Be All Over Them.
Listen, I love my married male friends. Each one is awesome and has been a true lifesaver on a lot of levels. Next sentence — although they're attractive, smart, funny, ambitious, and I can see why their wives chose them, their relationship status isn't the only reason why we're "just friends". Meaning, even if they were single, I'm good. They're just not my type. On any level. Period.
Now, one time I did have a married male friend that had me HOT at God that I didn't meet him before he said, "I do" to his wife. And you know what? That was my cue that I was teetering on getting into an emotional affair.
So yeah, if you've got a friend who's in a relationship and you know you'd want to be with them if they weren't? Be very careful…you're probably already more (emotionally) attached than you need to be.
You Can't CLEARLY DEFINE the Relationship.
It's complicated. When something is defined as being complex, that means it's difficult to understand and/or hard to interpret. Grandma used to say, "Somethin' in the buttermilk ain't clean."
What in the world is so complicated about a genuine friendship? You like each other's personalities, you have things in common, and you both strive to make one another better people. That means you support their relationship and they support your single status and/or your getting into a relationship with someone else. Simple as that. Over and out.
If you need an hour and a Merriam-Webster's Dictionary to explain what your friendship is all about, something is definitely off. Very.
BONUS: They Let These Things Happen to You and Your "Friendship".
If you can check most or all of these things off on your box, there's a serious comin' to Jesus meeting that you need to have with yourself. In the meantime, don't beat yourself up too much because there's another side to this situation.
If the person you're in an emotional affair with ALLOWED things to get this far, they are shady as all get out and, on some level, they are right up in your emotional affair with you.
Why do I say this? It's simple. Happily married people set healthy boundaries with other individuals. They aren't cool with their spouse knowing nothing about their other friends, and they can clearly define what is going on.
If the person you're "friends" with isn't like this, I hate to break it to you, but they're not really your friend. A true friendisn't going to keep you a secret or want you wasting your time in something that isn't going anywhere. They're not gonna set you up for possibly having an unpleasant run-in with their spouse someday either.
If you can't honestly say that your friends establish and have boundaries, well…not only are you (probably) in an emotional affair that you need to get out of but a "friendship" that needs to come to an end too. Real talk.
Featured image via Shutterstock
- 18 Emotional Affair Signs You Probably Didn't Notice ›
- 14 Telltale Signs You Have Crossed Into an Emotional Affair ›
- 18 Signs You're Crossing The Line Into Emotional Infidelity | Dr ... ›
- The Telltale Signs You're Having An Emotional Affair (And How To ... ›
- 4 Signs You're Having an Emotional Affair - Health ›
- 7 Signs You're Slipping Into An Emotional Affair | HuffPost Life ›
- 7 Signs You're Having an Emotional Affair ›
- 10 Signs You're Having An Emotional Affair | HuffPost Life ›
- Signs You're Having an Emotional Affair - How to Identify Emotional ... ›
- Signs You're Having an Emotional Affair ›
RELATED
So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Then there were those who gave up their zip code altogether and found a permanent home in the skies. After years spent recruiting students for a university, Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare became a full-time travel influencer and founded her travel company, Shakespeare Agency. And she's not alone.
These stories mirror the experiences of women across the world. For millions, the pandemic induced a seismic shift in priorities and desires. Corporate careers that were once hailed as the ultimate “I made it” moment in one's career were pushed to the back burner as women quit their jobs in search of a more self-fulfilling purpose.
xoNecole spoke to these three Black women who used the pandemic as a springboard to make their wildest dreams a reality, the lessons they learned, and posed the question of whether they’ll ever return to cubicle life.
Answers have been edited for context and length.
xoNecole: How did the pandemic lead to you leaving the cubicle?
Randi: I was becoming stagnant. I was working in mortgage and banking but I felt like my personality was too big for that job! From there, I transitioned to radio but was laid off during the pandemic. That’s what made me go full throttle with entrepreneurship.
Gabrielle: I moved around a lot for work. Five times over a span of seven years. I knew I needed a break because I had experienced so much. So, I just quit one day. Effective immediately. I didn’t know what I was going to do, I just knew I needed a break and to just regroup.
Lisa-Gaye: I was working in recruiting at a university and my dream job just kind of fell into my lap! But, I never got to fully enjoy it before the world shut down in March [2020] and I was laid off. On top of that, I was stuck in Miami because Jamaica had closed its borders due to the pandemic before I was able to return.
Randi O
xoN: Tell us about your journey after leaving Corporate America.
Randi: I do it all now! I have a podcast, I’m an on-air talent, I act, and I own a public relations company that focuses on social media engagement. It’s all from my network. When you go out and start a business, you can’t just say, “Okay I’m done with Corporate America,” and “Let me do my own thing.” If you don’t build community, if you don’t build a network it's going to be very hard to sustain.
Gabrielle: I realized in New York, there was not a lot to do for Black lesbians and queer folks. We don’t really have dedicated bars and spaces so I started doing events and it took off. I started focusing on my brand, Raw Honey. I opened a co-working space, and I was able to host an NYC Pride event in front of 100,000 people. I hit the ground running with Raw Honey. My events were all women coming to find community and come together with other lesbians and queer folks. I found my purpose in that.
Lisa-Gaye: After being laid off, I wrote out all of my passions and that’s how I came up with [my company] Shakespeare Agency. It was all of the things that I loved to do under one umbrella. The pandemic pulled that out of me. I had a very large social media following, so I pitched to hotels that I would feature them on my blog and social media. This reignited my passion for travel. I took the rest of the year to refocus my brand to focus solely on being a content creator within the travel space.
Gabrielle
xoN: What have you learned about yourself during your time as an entrepreneur?
Randi: [I learned] the importance of my network and community that I created. When I was laid off I was still keeping those relationships with people that I used to work with. So it was easy for me to transition into social media management and I didn’t have to start from scratch.
Gabrielle: The biggest thing I learned about myself was my own personal identity as a Black lesbian and how much I had assimilated into straight and corporate culture and not being myself. Now, I feel comfortable and confident being my authentic self. Now, I'm not sacrificing anything else for my career. I have a full life. I have friends. I have a social life. And when you are happy and have a full quality of life, I feel like [I] can have more longevity in my career.
Lisa-Gaye: [I'm doing] the best that I've ever done. The discipline that I’m building within myself. Nobody is saying, ‘Oh you have to be at work at this time.’ There’s no boss saying, ‘Why are you late?’ But, if I’m laying in bed at 10 a.m. then it's me saying [to myself], 'Okay, Lisa, get up, it's time for you to start working!’ That’s all on me.
xoNecole: What mistakes do you want to help people avoid when leaving Corporate America?
Randi: You have to learn about the highs and lows of entrepreneurship. You have a fast season and a slow season and I started to learn that when you're self-employed the latter season hits hard. Don't get caught up on the lows, just keep going and don't stop. I’m glad I did.
Gabrielle: I think everyone should quit their job and just figure it out for a second. You will discover so much about yourself when you take a second to just focus on you. Your skill set will always be there. You can’t be afraid of what will happen when you bet on yourself.
Lisa-Gaye: When it comes to being an influencer the field is saturated and a lot of people suffer from imposter syndrome. There is nothing wrong with being an imposter but find out how to make it yours, how to make it better. If you go to the store, you see 10 million different brands of bread! But you are choosing the brand that you like because you like that particular flavor.
So be an imposter, but be the best imposter of yourself and add your own flair, your own flavor. Make the better bread. The bread that you want.
Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
xoNecole: Will you ever return to your 9 to 5?
Randi: I wouldn’t go back to Corporate America. But I don’t mind working under someone. A lot of people try to get into this business saying, “I can't work under anyone.” That’s not necessarily the reason to start a business because you're always going to answer to somebody. Clients, brands, there’s always someone else involved.
Gabrielle: I went back! I really needed a break and I gave myself that. But, I realized I’m a corporate girl, [and] I enjoy the work that I do. I’m good at it and I really missed that side of myself. I have different sides of me and my whole identity is not Raw Honey or my queerness. A big side of me is business and that’s why I love having my career. Now I feel like my best self.
Lisa-Gaye: I really don’t. For right now, I love working for myself. It's gratifying, it's challenging, it's exciting. It’s a big deal for me to say I own my own business. That I am my own boss, and I'm a Black woman doing it.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image courtesy of Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
Originally published on February 6, 2023