It probably comes as no shock to you that one of the top causes of divorce is poor communication. Well, as someone who has sat in many counseling sessions with couples, I believe what it means to be a poor communicator truly runs the gamut—not listening, cutting one's partner off while they are talking, rolling eyes and sucking teeth (55 percent of communication is body language), passive aggressive "I'm fines" and, a real biggie, trying to make one's spouse be just like them. What I mean by that is, watching husbands try and make their wife think/act just like they do and watching wives do the same to their husband.
There's a wise man who once said that when two people are just alike, one of them is totally unnecessary. How this applies to marriage is this—the very differences of your spouse should be what inspires you, improves you and, most of all, balances you out. But if you spend—and by that, I mean waste—time trying to get them to be a carbon copy of yourself, not only is that a super arrogant approach to your relationship, it sets you up to miss some of the life lessons that they could teach you. Ones that will ultimately make you a better individual and life partner.
OK, so with that foundation in place, let me just say that if there was ever an article where "Don't shoot the messenger" applies, this one would have to be it. I say that because the following 10 things are what husbands have told me they think their wife totally misses when it comes to communicating with them and loving them, in general.
Things that, if perhaps more wives accepted them at face value, would make their marriage A LOT easier—in good times and in bad.
Video Games Aren’t (Always) as “Childish” as You Think
I've heard my fair share of wives complaining about how childish their husbands are for playing video games. OK, it's one thing for your man to do nothing but play them or to prefer to do that more than spending quality time with you. But if it's only a couple of times a week, it's best to just leave your man be.
I say that because I've had several husbands tell me that they use that time to process things—how to cover a bill, how to handle a problem at work, how to respond to a complaint from their wife. And while you might think that sounds semi-ridiculous, there are studies to support that playing video games actually does refine motor skills, increase one's memory and can improve one's overall quality of life.
All things in moderation of course, but still.
Refusing Their Initiation of Sex Goes Deeper Than You Think
Once upon a time, I was a teen mom director for the local division of a national non-profit organization. Because I dealt with pregnant adolescents, we talked about sex a lot. Sometimes, the girls would have me meet their boyfriends. Whenever the boys would talk about how important "hittin' it" was to them, the first thing I would say is, "Come here. You need a hug."
The world isn't kind to men—and by that, I'm specifically speaking of our Black men. Even as young people, there is oftentimes so much dysfunction and so little healthy affection in their lives that sex is where they go to get some sort of intimacy (whether they realize it or not).
A lot of grown men? If there's one place where they are totally vulnerable, it's in the bedroom. Sometimes, that's also where they go to feel loved, safe and physically close; especially when that person is their wife.
When a lot of husbands initiate sex and they get abruptly rejected—you know, "Ugh. Is sex all you think about?!" or the slapping away of the hand—sometimes, they don't just feel the sting of not gettin' any, they literally feel like they are totally unwanted as individuals.
This doesn't apply to all husbands, but it's worth asking yours, just to see if he can relate. If he can, try and be gentle in how you refuse sex. Do it the way you'd want him to do it to you if the shoe was on the other foot.
When They Say They Aren’t Thinking About Anything…They Mean It
One of my male friends, who's been married for well over two decades, constantly tells me that while men are physically stronger, women, by far, are more emotionally superior. "Some of the things that y'all can come up with as far as what we're thinking or doing, we are not complicated enough to do those things." And one of those things, for a lot of men, is overthinking—something that a lot of us are Olympians at doing.
If anything in this article topped the pet peeve list for men, a wife asking her husband what he's thinking, him saying nothing and her coming back at him like, "You must be thinking something" tops it. Pretty much every man I've interacted with have said that 9 times out of 10, when they say they are thinking about nothing, they mean it.
THEY. MEAN. IT.
They Are More Tone Sensitive Than Word Sensitive
Again, I'm just the messenger, but did you know that there is scientific data to back up that men sometimes have a difficult time processing the tone of our voice; especially when we're upset? The actual sound waves and vibrations of our voice can make it difficult for them to make out what we're saying. That's because, in order to hear us, they have to use the part of the brain that processes music and that is more complex than the part of the brain that they use to process deeper voices (i.e., other men).
Ah. Now it makes (more) sense why they might ask us to repeat something or remind us in an argument that it's not what we say but how we say it. Their brain sometimes simply can't compute. (Deep.)
Your Husband Picked You to Be a Teammate
One of the husbands I admire most once gave me a compliment that is a favorite to this day—"Shellie, one thing that's gonna make you a good wife is you get the concept of partnership. You want to see the men in your life win."
Along these lines, if there's something that comes up in counseling sessions a lot, it's that many husbands feel like their wife does things to work against their goals, dreams and visions. They don't ask how they can help. They're not willing to use their gifts and talents to get things to the next level. Or, they simply won't give their husband the space and time to make certain plans happen.
When I work with engaged couples, one of the main things I ask is if they feel their life desires complement one another and if they are both willing to invest and make sacrifices to manifest those things. For a married couple who says "yes" and executes in this fashion, they are truly unstoppable!
They Really Wish You Would Keep Certain Things TOTALLY Private
I get pushback on this one all of the time, but it's fine. Personally, when any of my besties get married, I immediately demote myself from "best friend" to "good friend." The reason why is because I respect what "best" means—"of the highest quality, excellence, or standing." I don't want to get in the way of someone seeing their spouse or valuing their relationship with them in this light.
You know what? Ask any couple who has a decade or more under their belt and I'm willing to be some good money that they'll tell you that it was their friendship that kept them together more than anything else; especially spouses who see themselves as being best friends.
And best friends? There are some things that ONLY they know about. And husbands? A lot of them wish their wives would bring that kind of loyalty into their marriage. They wish that some things weren't discussed with their wife's mom, sister or even closest friend. Especially without them knowing about it—beforehand.
Any wife that doesn't like this particular point, think how you would feel if your husband was talking to his dad, brother or close friend about some of your deepest secrets, feelings and intimate issues. Now do you get the reason for sensitivity? #exactly
Even Mama’s Boys Don’t Actually Want to Sleep with Their Mother
I know some mama's boys. Frankly, I'm curious what made their wives want to marry them because when it comes to the lack of emotional boundaries, compounded by the amount of unrealistic expectations that a lot of those kinds of men have, truly blow the mind.
But that's not what I'm talking about here. What I'm addressing is there is not any holistically healthy man who wants his wife to act like his mother—telling him what to do, calling all the shots, dictating his time away from you, etc. I get why a lot of us are this way. After all, our mothers are who taught us how to be women and they taught us that by mothering us.
Still, if you're noticing that your husband is working later and later, avoids confrontation more and more and desires to have sex less and less—think about if you're pulling the "mama card" a lot. If you are, pull back on that. Sex with one's mother isn't sexy. It's incest. And if he feels like you are acting like his mother…you get where I'm going with this.
They Heard You the First Time. They Move in Their Own Time.
Not wanting to be bossed around or nagged to death isn't gender specific. I'd venture to say that's something that gets on all of our nerves. Yet ladies, let's be honest (with ourselves)—a lot of us do it. On this point, I'll just tell you what a single male friend once told me about myself. "I don't know what makes you think that leaving me three voicemails about the exact same thing is going to make me move any faster. I heard you, but I have a methodology in how I do things."
When he first told me that, it kind of pissed me off, so I asked a couple of husbands if they felt it was cool. Not only did they think he made complete and total sense, they said they are the same way. One husband even said, "Whenever my wife asks me to do something around the house and she feels like she needs to say it 10 times, I feel patronized. It's not that I didn't hear her. It's that we have a different expectation of when it should be done. Her time is not right. My time is not wrong. It's only an issue when she feels otherwise."
Just some food for thought, y'all.
Many Take “Leave and Cleave” Literally and Seriously
I love me some Black men. I am intentional about marrying a Black man. But listen here, if there is one man who could change my mind, it's the Michael Landon version of Charles Ingalls (you know, from The Little House on the Prairie). He was so fine and masculine that I even have a T-shirt with him on it!
Anyway, I bring him and his wife Caroline up in counseling quite a bit. One of the things that I'll sometimes say is, "You wanna know a part of the reason why a lot of couples back then stayed together? They got married and, due to distance and lack of funds, they never saw their parents again; this means that their parents stayed out of their business."
I have a husband friend who is currently outdone with his wife because there was something that she wanted (that cost thousands of dollars, by the way) that he didn't agree with. Since he wasn't feelin' it, she went and asked her parents to get it for her. To me, not only did this lean on the side of low down but also selfish. She's in her 40s, her parents are only getting older and I'm pretty sure that money could've gone to better things (like retirement). I also don't get why her parents didn't say, "If your husband is not on board, that's something you need to work out with him."
There is nothing attractive (or even helpful really) about having a husband while still clinging to daddy. Ask any husband you know and he'll back me up on that.
Respect Means More Than Love. Peace Means More Than Beauty.
The Bible tells wives to respect their husbands (Ephesians 5:33). The Amplified Version of I Peter 3:2 tells wives how to do it. There's also a really great book that backs Scripture up entitled Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs. One of the points the book makes is, if wives want their husbands to feel loved, respecting them is how to do it.
Whenever a wife rolls her eyes at me on this, it's pretty baffling because, at the end of the day, respect is simply esteeming someone's worth and value and granting them (and only them) certain privileges (like sexual fidelity). What's the big deal about either one of those?
As far as the beauty vs. peace thing, a husband once said something to me that was profound and hilarious at the same time—"Have you ever wondered why some really handsome men have a wife who is like a creature from Jurassic Park? A man prefers 'ugly peace' over 'pretty loud' any day."
Get mad if you want to, but I recently checked out a comedy skit that totally co-signs on what he said. When the woman asked her man what he needed from her, his immediate response was, "loyalty, honesty and just be my peace." She was the exact opposite of those things and it drove him insane.
It all reminds me of what an ex once said, "Men look to their woman to be their sanctuary." A sanctuary is a place of refuge. It's not about not having an opinion or perspective. It's about knowing that you have the power to determine how the energy feels within your household. And, to many men, a woman who relishes in peace and tranquility is far more beautiful than any dime piece Coke bottle.
Ask any husband. I'll bet a billion dollars that he shakes his head from left-to-right for at least 90 seconds in approval while thinking, "She gets it. She really and truly gets it!"
Ask any husband. I'll bet a billion dollars that he shakes his head from left-to-right for at least 90 seconds in approval while thinking, "She gets it. She really and truly gets it!"
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at firstname.lastname@example.org. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
An author by the name of Alexandra Katehakis once said this about orgasms: “Great spiritual teachers throughout the ages have stated that orgasm is the closest some people come to a spiritual experience because of the momentary loss of self. Why is this true? Because with spiritual sex, you move beyond orgasm into a connection with yourself, your partner, and the divine — recognizing them all as one.”
If it’s counterintuitive to what you’ve ever thought about orgasms, believe it or not, there are even pastors who have said that climaxing is the closest comprehension of heaven on this side of it: it is an extreme kind of bliss that is indescribable and is best experienced between two people who share a sacrificial kind of love for one another.
Although this might seem like a heavy way to intro this particular topic, because the O Method is an orgasm-achieving technique that centers around housing energy, embracing the mental practice of manifestation, and the attempt to achieve the best climaxes ever — it all works together pretty well if you ask me. If you want to take your orgasms to the next level, it’s important that you get out of yourself (to a certain extent), that you see the spiritual role that manifestation plays, and that you are open to trying new things. No doubt about it.
So, let’s learn more about what the O Method is all about and how it very well could be just what you’ve been looking for…even if you didn’t know it.
What Is the “O Method” All About?Giphy
Question: When’s the last time you’ve had an orgasm? Not just any orgasm — I mean a really mind-blowing one (I’ll give you a second to think about it). Now, what if you could manifest that experience to the point where it wasn’t a rare occurrence but something that happened almost every time that you and your partner had sex with each other? How absolutely awesome would that be?
That is pretty much what the O Method is all about — helping you achieve the kind of orgasms (and sexual pleasure, in general) that you desire through the practice of manifestation. And since your biggest sex organ is your brain, it would make perfect sense that even with all of the tips and techniques that you might learn to do as far as your body is concerned, honing in on what you think about is super imperative to sexual fulfillment, too. And that’s just where manifestation comes in.
What If You’ve Never “Manifested” Anything Before?Giphy
Before we get into a quick lesson on manifestation, I think it’s important to mention two things. One, for the cynics, there is a lot of truth in the fact that it’s got some solid spiritual basis to it because even the Good Book says that as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he (Proverbs 23:7). At the same time, that same Good Book tells us that faith without works is dead (James 2:14-26). So, while it is always a good idea to focus on good, positive, and productive thoughts, just thinking about them isn’t enough — at some point, you’ve also gotta get out here and DO something (bookmark that).
Okay, with that mini-sermon out of the way, whether it’s in the bedroom or not, manifestation is basically about focusing on something tangible that you desire, harnessing your energy in such a way that your words and actions are directed towards that longing until what you want, well, manifests. For the record, aside from this having a spiritual backing to it, in many ways, science cosigns on manifesting, too. There is actually a scientific process known as neuroplasticity that consists of reframing your mind so that your actions ultimately end up aligning with your goals — and that is another way to look at manifestation.
So, what if you’re someone who has never set out to do a manifestation practice before? No worries. Something that’s awesome about it is there are several different approaches that you can take.
Some people manifest what they want in their lives via:
- Visualization/Creating vision boards
- Writing down their desires before going to bed (so that they can “download” them into their dream state)
- Creating mantras and affirmations
- Applying the 369 Manifestation Method (you can learn more about that here)
- Learning more about what you want to manifest (which brings forth clarity)
This is important to keep in mind because, when it comes to manifesting the types of orgasms that you want to have, as you can see, you can try different manifestation methods until you find one (or ones) that you are truly comfortable with. One that can ease you into the entire process rather smoothly is something known as sex journaling.
How Sex Journaling Can Actually Help You to Have an OrgasmGiphy
As a writer, I’m a big fan of journaling. Mostly because it’s a way to get out some of your deepest thoughts and feelings so that you’re able to really process what is happening inside of you in a private setting. And when it comes to sex journaling, specifically, it’s all about centering yourself on the things sexually that you want to “unpack,” get clarity on or come to some revelations about. For instance, if there’s only been one partner from your past who’s been able to help you achieve the type of orgasms that you wish to manifest, journaling about what makes him different from the other guys can provide you with some solid ah-ha moments.
Or if you need help getting as specific as possible about the sexual experiences that you’re after, journaling can help to make that happen for you — because one thing that manifesting reminds us all to do is be as specific as possible.
Yeah, simply saying, “I want to have better sex” isn’t detailed enough when you want to get your energy to match with your desires — instead, describe how all of your senses should feel in the experience, along with why, that can get you so much closer to achieving your goal. Once those things are documented, you can segue into creating mantras and/or meditation that are based on them. Yeah, sex journaling really is an underrated superpower on a lot of levels (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”).
5 Tips for Making the O Method Work for YouGiphy
Now that you know more about what the O Method is and how manifestation plays a direct role in its process, let’s talk about five ways to make the O Method truly effective in your own (sex) life.
1. Focus, FULLY, on your feminine energy. What do rose quartz, amethyst, moonstone (which is a Gemini birthstone as well; yes, I’m a Gemini), selenite, and rhodonite all have in common? They’re crystals that help you to go deeper into your divine feminine energy. Traits that are associated with this include compassion, creativity, kindness, gentleness, and sensuality (feminine energy is also accepting and forgiving). If you were to study energy from a biological standpoint, it’s about producing change, responding to stimuli, and having the ability to do what needs to be done (work). So, when it comes to manifesting the kind of orgasms or sexual experiences that you want, using things like your creativity and gentleness in your thoughts and actions can play a role in bringing balance to your partner’s masculinity, which can create a profound sense of pleasure — after all, opposites do attract.
2. Don’t hold back on what it is that you desire. Whenever I interview sex therapists, something that they all say is, a huge mistake that people make as far as sexual satisfaction is concerned is, they have walls up — not just with their partners but even within themselves. Sometimes, there is intimidation, fear, or even shame around what they really want to happen during sex to the point where they aren’t able to channel their energy fully in those directions in order to manifest what they want. For the O Method to work, you can’t let those types of negative emotions hinder you; the more you are able to articulate what you want and how you want it, the better chance you have of making it happen. So yes, get graphic. As graphic as possible.
3. Make manifestation a daily practice. Repetition is important when it comes to manifestation. That’s because the more you declare what you desire (a mantra), get still and think on it (meditation), or look at the “art” that you’ve created surrounding it (visualization), the quicker it becomes a part of you. So yes, make manifestation a daily practice. For instance, if one of your mantras is, “I am going to have intensely passionate orgasms, one right after the other,” don’t just state that 15 minutes before sex is going to happen. Wake up and declare it. Then say it on your lunch break. And again before turning in. The more your thoughts are “streamlined” in this way, the easier it will be for your body to follow suit.
4. Share this practice with your partner. If you were to do even more research on the O Method, one thing that most of the articles will mention is it’s a practice that you can do alone or with your partner. Indeed. However, I just want to make sure that you get into your psyche that great sex is, in part, about good communication. And so, the more comfortable you are sharing with your partner what you are doing as far as the O Method is concerned and what you ultimately want to happen as a result of the practice, the easier it will be for him to “match your energy” — both in and out of the bedroom. And when your partner is on the same page as you? That definitely increases the chances of attaining your sexual desires — exponentially so.
5. Stay in the moment. While I was reading one article on manifestation, I really appreciated something that the author said: manifestation isn’t some supernatural power. In other words, while it can be beneficial, it’s not like you can just think of something, and it instantly appears out of nowhere. Manifesting is a discipline, and it must be accompanied by action, consistency, and patience — this means that you must also practice mindfulness. Meaning, now that you know better what you’re looking to achieve as far as sex is concerned, every time that it transpires, maintain a level of positive energy, remember what your end goal is, and then determine in your mind to enjoy the moments as they come. Remember, manifestation isn’t to add stress…it’s to cultivate clarity.
At the end of the day, the O Method is simply a way of reminding you that your mind plays a huge role in your sexual pleasure, and when you channel it and your energy exactly where you want them both to go, you’ll be amazed what your body is capable of doing…and accomplishing.
So, what kind of orgasm are you wanting to achieve? You’ve got a tool to get you there. USE IT.
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Featured image by Giphy