I adore men. I loved my daddy. I have amazing male friends. Even when it comes to my dating history, although some lessons were absolutely learned, I don’t look back on any of them and secretly want to torch their homes. Shoot, even when it comes to my male clients, I enjoy interacting with them because, as a woman who embraces my femininity, I like how masculinity balances me out. I believe that is how life was created to be.
And that’s why I also enjoy getting to know how men think outside of what social media portrays or some women choose to project or assume. And you know what? When it comes to sex, in particular, you might be surprised by what really goes on in a man’s mind, especially when it comes to what his sexual needs and desires are.
A need is defined as something that is essential. Today, take a moment to see what 10 men say their actual sexual needs are — and then ponder if what they stated lines up with what your beliefs about men, in this department, have been all along.
They just might surprise you.
*I always go with middle names so that people feel free to speak freely*
1. Brenton. 29. Single.
Giphy“I don’t know who told women that all we want is a vagina and we’re good. Just like men shouldn’t assume that their mere presence in a bedroom is blowing minds, women shouldn’t either. Not everyone is automatically great at head or intercourse — and even if some other guy told you that you were the best ever, I’m not him. Wanting to learn what your partner at the moment wants and needs is really important if you want to have a sexually successful situation. More people need to check their ego, and assumptions about their sexual performance, at the door. Men and women.”
2. Marius. 33. In a Serious Relationship.
Giphy“Sex is going to be better, even for guys, if there is an emotional connection. Y’all need to stop listening to everything on social media because no, we don’t just think about sex all of the time and no, we don’t want it under whatever circumstances we can get it. You’d be surprised how many men turn down opportunities they get because there isn’t a mental or emotional spark or it seems like it is ultimately going to be more trouble than it is worth. Quality is better than quantity. Ask us what we actually think instead of listening to randoms on TikTok who have no idea what they are talking about…because they aren’t us.”
3. Jasper. 36. Single.
Giphy“Yeah, let’s talk about it because you know something that gets on my nerves: women who think that our sexual needs don’t change and evolve. I started having sex when I was 17 and what I thought about sex then is nothing like what I think about sex now. Maturity affects everything including sex. Men and women need to give each other the space to become different people even in the bedroom.”
4. Quincy. 40. Engaged.
Giphy“I’m about to enter into my second marriage and I think what changed me the most about my sexual needs is marriage. When I was single, I didn’t really think about what I actually needed; so long as I got a nut and my partner did the same, my thoughts ended there. When you decide to have sex with only one person for years at a time, you consider what you need to remain faithful and satisfied. I need to feel wanted. I need someone who likes trying new things. I need really good head. I need someone who is enthusiastic about sex. I need it at least once a week. Advice for people who want to get married — spend a lot of time talking about your sexual needs before you do it. If you don’t, you will live to regret it.”
5. Bram. 46. Married for 18 Years.
Giphy“Sex is a need. Not just for men but for everyone who is in a long-term relationship. Sex brings you closer to your partner. Sex gets that stress off. Didn’t you once write about what sperm does for a woman’s health? Society acts like humans are dogs in heat when sex isn’t just about getting a release. My wife and I are students of sex. We research it. We see what the Word says about it. We watch documentaries and have attended sex workshops for long-term relationships. All of this has helped us to value sex because we know more than the surface of it — and if you knew what we did, you would never doubt it being a need.”
Shellie here: The article that he is talking about is “Do You Swallow? The Unexpected Health Benefits Of Sperm.” Check it out when you get a chance.
6. Reed. 27. Dating.
Giphy“I need foreplay. I don’t know why people think that is only for women. When there isn’t a lot of kissing and oral sex before everything else, it feels like I’m back in high school. Not wanting to take your time feels so childish. I like intercourse, who doesn’t? But slowing down and enjoying everything about your partner is what makes sex so good. I guess that’s why quickies are less appealing now. If we’ve gotta rush…I’ll wait.”
7. Krew. 31. Single.
Giphy“I need you not to fake it. A lot of y’all aren’t as good at doing that as you think anyway — and what’s the point in it? You don’t get your own needs met and that leads to resentment and then we can sense that energy during sex which makes it all a big waste of time. I’m a big boy. If there is something that I am not doing to ‘get you there,’ I’d rather you speak up instead of doing all of that yelling and fake shivering. Guys who pay attention know that if your vagina isn’t pulsating, something is off. For us, communication is a sexual need, believe it or not.”
8. Mayson. 42. Divorced.
Giphy“Wanna know what men really need? Not to have to initiate most of the time. I think it’s wild that you can watch a movie where a woman gets dressed up and comes on to her man and if he’s not in the mood, her feelings are instantly hurt or she low-key accuses him of cheating — oh, but let us initiate sex and she’s not interested and we’re not supposed to feel any type of way about it. Initiating means that I am on your mind, you want me and you want sex with me. Who doesn’t need that?”
9. Goddrick. 33. In a Serious Relationship.
Giphy“I need presentation. It’s not a secret that men are visually stimulated and sure, naked is always appreciated but — look at it this way: Christmastime is coming up, right? Would you rather I just give you the gift, unwrapped, tag attached and all? Or would you prefer that I have it wrapped up? There’s something about making the time to present what I am giving you well that shows that I put even more thought into the present, right? That’s what lingerie is like to me. The gift is amazing. Making the time to present it well means that you really want it to be a special evening. I appreciate women who think that way.”
10. Yoshio. 37. Married for Seven Years.
“Know what we need? We need to feel like you need to have sex with us — not that you’re doing us a favor or it’s an obligation or some sort of ‘Well, I don’t have anything better to do at the moment’ activity. I never understood all of the silliness on the internet where women are talking about men should ball out in order to have sex with them. Hell, we both have an orgasm and a good time — and if that isn’t the case, you all are with the wrong guys because that absolutely should be happening for you.
"A need is something that is important and everybody deserves to have a sexual relationship with someone who thinks that sex is an important part of the relationship overall. My wife needs sex and that is something that I LOVE about being with her. It’s prioritized because she enjoys it as much as I do. That’s the key.”
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A former governor by the name of Adlai Stevenson II once said, “Understanding human needs is half the job of meeting them” — and in order to be a good lover, you absolutely should care about what your partner needs.
And so, hopefully, at the very least, this has helped you to “scratch beneath the surface” as it relates to men and their sexual needs, in general. Even better? It has encouraged you to “check in” with your partner to see what his current needs are. Because when two people do what is necessary in the bedroom, therein lies true sexual fulfillment.
Can I get a witness?
Featured image by Giphy
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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1. Go All Out with the Christmas Décor
GiphyThere is someone I know who is so obsessed with Christmas, she’s damn near annoying-borderline-terrifying. I’m. Not. Kidding. Yet hey, if you’re going to do a holiday-themed staycation (emphasis on “holiday-themed”), that’s kind of how you’ve got to be. Some décor ideas include:
- A fresh Christmas tree (is the most ideal) that is ultimately decorated
- Wreaths on outside and inside doors
- Garland (with twinkle lights) in predictable and unpredictable places
- Poinsettias
- Mistletoes
- Snow globes
- A stocking (with some of your favorite things in it)
- Fake snow
- Stars
- Angels
- Candy canes
- A BLACK Santa (LOL)
I mean, since you are going to be spending a lot of time at home, it can feel like a mini-winter wonderland if you are intentional about doing more decorating to your living space than you ever have before!
2. Buy a Couple of Christmas-Themed PJs
GiphyWhile I was doing some research on a totally different topic, I happened upon an article that talked about the psychology behind why we should be intentional about what we wear to bed. When you stop to think about the fact that (hopefully) you are sleeping somewhere between 6-8 hours every night, it would make sense that things like the color and fabric of your sleepwear would have a real impact on you — even subconsciously.
Well, when it comes to Christmas décor, specifically, not only does it take you back to nostalgic memories, it can also boost your moods. So, aside from being on-10 with your Christmas décor, also invest in some Christmas-themed PJs. Since you’re going to be doing a lot of lounging around (RIGHT?), do it in something that makes you think about all of your favorite things about this time of year.
3. Cop Some Christmas-Scented Candles
GiphyThere really is no telling how many articles that I’ve written where I am singing the praises of scented soy candles. Candles are soothing, comforting and a very easy way to reduce stress. Also, since it gets darker quicker and for a longer period of time around this time of the year, candles provide a relaxing vibe to your home. Since it is Christmastime, go with scents that are reminiscent of the season:
- Cinnamon
- Vanilla
- Cranberry
- Apple
- Pine
- Frankincense and Myrrh
- Peppermint
- Cashmere
- Ginger(bread)
- Orange
- Sugar Cookies
- Sandalwood
- Cloves
- Cedarwood
- (Hot) Chocolate
Personally, one of my favorite candle companies is Goose Creek. Their signature collections will have your entire house smelling like a high-end bakery. No exaggeration.
4. Play Some Winter-Themed ASMR Sounds
GiphyI’m from Nebraska and my mother was a New Yorker. So, if there is one thing that I like, it’s seasons and that includes snow during wintertime. Unfortunately, Nashville is cray-cray when it comes to that. If, where you live, the weather is all over the place too (which is why I think it’s insane that some people still give pushback to global warming) and you would like for it to at least seem like you are in your own winter wonderland — invest in some fake snow to strategically place around your home.
Oh, and don’t forget to turn on some winter-themed ASMR sounds too. YouTube has videos that run for hours on end that feature blizzards and howling winds that really can make you feel like you are in the midst of an ice storm.
5. Host a Holiday Movie Marathon
GiphyOne thing to remember about a staycation is it doesn’t mean that you have to be alone or that the only people who can participate are the ones who live with you. Since a staycation is simply about staying close to home instead of traveling afar — absolutely consider having some of your favorite people over for a holiday-themed movie marathon. Shoot, Black America Web even did you a solid by publishing “25 Best Black Christmas Movies Of All Time;” plus, Tubi has a Black holiday hits section of indie films too.
Oh, and make sure to get creative with the Christmas-themed snacks. Some ideas? Some Kentucky-fried turkey tenders with cranberry hot sauce (recipe here), some Holiday Hot Spinach Dip (recipe here), some Grinch Kabobs (recipe here), some roasted pecans (recipe here) and some Pomegranate Guacamole (recipe here).
6. Spend a Night (or Two) at a Hotel or Vacation House
GiphyJust like you don’t have to be alone during a staycation, you also don’t have to be cooped up in your house the entire time. Get a change of scenery in your own city by spending the night in a hotel that you’ve always wanted to try out or renting a vacation house for you and some of your folks to hang out in during the time between Christmas and New Year’s Day. I have a “love little sister” who does this randomly when she needs a break from her work as a therapist. She says that it’s damn near like taking a trip (and she has PLENTY of passport stamps; trust me).
7. Have Brunch or Dinner at a Christmas-Themed Restaurant
GiphyIf nothing puts a bigger smile on your face than the thought of DoorDashing meals and barely even touching your stove during your staycation — hey, I am right there with you. Do consider going out to brunch or dinner during your chill time, though. It’s another way to bond with people and create some current holiday memories. And if you’ve got a bae and you opt for dinner, it can be a wonderful type of Christmas-themed date.
8. Go to a Holiday-Themed Concert
GiphyBeing that I got my start as an entertainment writer, hear me when I say that I’m not someone who just has to go to a live concert every chance that I get. Oh, but baby, when I saw that El DeBarge was doing a City Winery tour and he was going to be here right before Christmas — I booked myself a ticket quick, fast and in a super-duper hurry! Shoot, I didn’t even want to go with someone because I plan to give him and that falsetto voice of his my complete and undivided attention. LOL.
I don’t know what it is about the holiday season that makes live music that much more enjoyable — but if there is a concert that features one of your favorite artists happening right through here, consider that to be a cool way to “tour your city” while cultivating a really awesome memory at the same time.
9. Also, Go Ice Skating
GiphyOne of my fondest memories of time with my father is going ice skating. We actually would do it in the summer (because that is when I would visit him) and, every year, he would get me a new ice skating outfit. Even now, when I watch someone ice skate (even in movies; like in the classic movie Garden State), I will have warm fuzzies.
Anyway, if you’ve never been before, go. If it’s been forever since you have, also go. There is something that is very sweet and so signature Christmas about it. Plus, it’s a top-tier form of exercise.
10. Take a Christmas Lights Tour
GiphyAnother one of my favorite Christmas memories is driving through neighborhoods and looking at the Christmas lights. And just like a Christmas concert can be a form of hometown touring, so can doing this if you decide to choose a couple of areas where you’ve never really been or rarely frequent.
Now are you excited about the thought of experiencing a holiday-themed staycation?
I thought you would be. ENJOY!
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