An Underrated Toxic Trait In Any Relationship: INCONSISTENCY

What Gaslighting and Inconsistency Absolutely Have in Common

While in an interview a couple of months back, the host asked me to share a word that I find myself using a lot and then define what it means (since so many people will take a word and just run with it; “narcissist” certainly comes to mind). The word that I gave was “gaslight” — I think not one day goes by when I don’t recognize that someone is gaslighting someone else. And yes, I know what it means. To gaslight is to attempt to mentally or emotionally manipulate another individual to the point where they start to question if their own thoughts, standards and reality are something that can be trusted (by them). SMDH.

And listen to me and hear me well when I say that if you are in a relationship — any kind of relationship — with someone who is inconsistent, whether they are fully conscious of what they are doing or not, on some level, they are 1000 percent gaslighting you. The reason why I say that is because, when you come to expect certain things based on a person’s words or actions one month only for them to turn around the following month (without any context) and either they aren’t doing anything at all or they are doing something completely different — and then when you bring that fact up to them, they are dismissive, flippant or they try to make you feel like you are being dramatic or that you are overthinking things…do you get how that is a supreme form of gaslighting?

There’s a reason why I think that, without any room for question or doubt, inconsistency is a toxic trait in any type of relational dynamic. It’s because you shouldn’t be in a close relationship with someone if you are (semi) constantly feeling unsure and/or like you have to apologize for having needs and wants to begin with and/or that you should just take whatever someone feels like dishing out at any given point and time.

And yes, whenever you allow someone to provide this type of inconsistency in your life, that is exactly what you are setting yourself up for: to be gaslit.

People who don’t keep their word? Inconsistent. People who seem to go “hot and cold” on you? Inconsistent. People who are unpredictable? Inconsistent. People who go above and beyond only when they sense that they are on thin ice with you? Inconsistent. People who are fine with praise and yet they are hella defensive whenever you bring all of this to their attention? Inconsistent.

Enough is enough, y’all. And so, if after all of what I just said, you know that you know that you know damn well that someone is super inconsistent while gaslighting you to seem like the villain for feeling that way, here are some reasons why you absolutely should require more consistency from that individuals — or accept that it’s time to either set some better boundaries or place that person into another category (check out "6 Differences Between A Close Acquaintance And An Actual Friend" and “Always Remember That Friendships Have 'Levels' To Them”) in your life.

Consistency Establishes Trust

How can you be in a relationship (at least a healthy one) with someone who you can’t trust? And one thing that consistency does is help to establish trust between two individuals. Hmph, it makes sense too when you stop to think about the fact that consistency is defined by things like remaining the same, being firm and not contradicting oneself.

Yeah, this makes me think of someone in my life who I adore — yet I don’t even think to make plans with them anymore (I just stick to phone convos as far as they are concerned). If they aren’t breaking them at the last minute, they are late as hell and tolerating that level of disrespect (because not honoring someone’s time is disrespectful) started to make me very cynical whenever they came to mind. Why? Because I didn’t trust them to do what they said they were going to do — not when it comes to dates ‘n stuff anyway.

I mean, you don’t have to (just) take my word on this. Inc. published an article several years back entitled, “Want to Know If Someone Is Trustworthy? Look for These 15 Signs” and the very first trait that they listed was consistency. Know what #6 was? “They are respectful when it comes to time.” #welp

A trustworthy person? They are going to make sure that you can put your confidence in what they say and do — not randomly. Always. That said, if someone in your world causes you to low-key question them most of the time, because you can’t really trust them…yeah, that’s not a good thing.

Consistency Cultivates Stability

I think it’s interesting that some synonyms for consistent include things like dependable, even, unfailing, undeviating and steady. And what all of this equates to being is stable. A consistent relationship consists of two people who offer stability within it. You know that you can rely on them. You know that they aren’t going to, out of nowhere, emotionally or relationally switch up on you. You know that their character is solid. You know that their loyalty is sound. You know that who they are Monday is pretty much gonna be who they are Saturday.

Not to get too deep — because, today, you don’t have the time and I don’t have the writing space — but a lot of us ended up in some really subpar relationships and friendships because our parents had some serious instability in them or in their relationship with each other and so we grew up believing that instability was normal and we should just…adapt ourselves to it. Hmph. Heal and you’ll discover that you absolutely don’t have to send yourself through all-a-dat.

Sis, not only is it okay to require stability in your relationships, it’s also strongly encouraged that you do. Because it still rings truly that the people who are in our intimate space are able to influence us greatly. So, if your folks are erratic, inconstant and/or contrary — be careful: others may start to see you as being that way as well. Hmph, perhaps without you noticing until/unless they bring it to your attention.

Consistency Fosters Healthy Communication

In my third book, there is a chapter entitled, “The Nice Guy Narcissist.” Although I actually went out of my way to protect his identity, it’s amazing how those close to me (who knew who I was talking about) all pretty much said the exact same thing: “You gave him way more grace than he deserved.” Grace is actually favor; what he got was mercy. LOL. I totally got their point, though — and I agree. And you know what? While I was walking through that journey with that individual, during my healing process, I had to accept that one of the things that we lacked was healthy communication — at least on a consistent basis.

Now the folks who really know me (check out “5 Signs You Really Know A Person”), what they will tell you is, if there is one thing that Shellie Reneé Warren is gonna do, it’s make sure you know where I stand. I don’t hint around. I’m not passive aggressive. I won’t ghost you. Between being a writer and a life coach for a living, I want to give and get as much clarity as possible. The nice guy narcissist? What he liked to do was act like he could handle certain conversations and then, when he couldn’t, he would avoid me for days on end, only to send some ridiculous email with drastic conclusions — and he did that because he was a coward who didn’t want to deal with things face-to-face and head on.

Looking back, I think a part of the reason why I dealt with his bullshishery for as long as I did is because, sometimes, lines can blur between someone being a friend vs. seeing them as a client (I’m just being real). Also, I grew up around narcissistic people — and as I oftentimes say, we tend to do what’s familiar instead of what’s right. Then there’s the fact that I am a writer which means that it took me a minute to fully accept that his emails weren’t about trying to convey anything clearly — it was about running away (whew, he was something else).

Everything has a silver lining, though (if you look for it) and one of the things that came out of dealing with him is driving home this point.

If you are in a healthy relationship, the communication will be healthy, mutually so, on a consistent basis. You both will feel heard. You both will feel valued. You both will feel respected. You both will feel connected. You both will feel like/that progress has been made — not sometimes, at the very least, most of the time.

If the communication, in the way that I described, is hit-or-miss — you aren’t in something that is good for you. Please don’t underestimate what I am conveying to you. I speak from very up close and personal experience on this one.

Consistency Exemplifies Your Willingness to Prioritize

The amount of people who are credited with the saying, “Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option” is something else. Hell, even I was once in a Glamour article. If you do a bit of (extra) digging, the late and great Maya Angelou is apparently the originator — which is fitting because the resolve is definitely quite profound.

To be a priority means that you are deemed as important. To be a priority means that you come before certain other things. To be a priority means that the individual who is prioritizing you is proactive and intentional about making you feel valued and appreciated. To be a priority means that folks don’t just wait until they “have” time for you — those people will also make time (at least some of the time).

Another point about being a priority? When you get a chance, check out “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'" — and I will forever die on that hill because, if you truly are important to someone and they find worth in what you bring to their table of life, then sometimes, what you need will have to take precedence over other things…which could call for them to be inconvenienced at times.

Let me take this one deeper: The reason why many weddings consist of vows that have “til death do us part,” only for the people saying them to renege, multiple times, with different people, is because their love is very inconsistent. They don’t truly prioritize their spouse in the truest sense of the word nor do they even fathom being inconvenienced. All they really care about is what they can get out of someone else without factoring in the reciprocity that is necessary on their end.

And with that said — Maya Angelou is exactly right. If you are out here doing all of the things that come with making someone a priority and that same energy isn’t being exchanged…you are being used more than you are being valued. Please don’t take that lightly, okay?

Consistency Is a Sign of Relational Maturity

Some people are consistent at being inconsistent — and they are probably the greatest gaslighters of all because all that does is put you on an emotional roller coaster (whether it’s the Vivian Green kind or India.Are one)…and who ever really wants that (being used to it and wanting it to happen are two very different things, by the way)?!

Live long enough and you start to really get that true maturity means that you are intentional about cultivating the kind of life that is filled with peace, balance and stability. And y’all, anything — and I do mean any person, place, thing or idea — that compromises that? You will do whatever — and I do mean whatever — is needed to prevent them from throwing a wrench into those plans. This means that drama? You’ll pass. Erratic behaviors? You’re good. Participating in things that your mind, body and spirit are not all on the same page about? Yeah, probably not. And the people who are in your intimate world, they will feel the same way as you do, which means that there is a healthy relationship all the way around.

Yeah, the cool thing about this final point is when people seriously desire holistic tranquility, they are going to say and do things, on a consistent basis, that will create that type of atmosphere. And y’all — when calmness and serenity are semi (I say “semi” because life do be lifing out here sometimes) present and constant? Who wants that to change? Toxicity hates peace — so it calls peacefulness “boring.” Mature people? They know better.

Author Roy T. Bennett once said, “Consistency is the true foundation of trust. Either keep your promises or do not make them.” Author Catherine Pulsifer once said, “The consistency in your person from home to work is vitally important so that you are in total balance at all times. Being out of balance means that your true self will start to be confused with what you pretend to be.” A football manager by the name of Marco Silva once said, “You cannot be a winner without maturity and consistency.” And if it takes consistency to win at life, how much more is it needed to have winning relationships?

Listen, I know that the word “toxic” is thrown around these days like confetti — yet I hope that I provided enough information for you to get that it really is toxic behavior to tolerate consistent…inconsistency.

You deserve so much better.

Now you know exactly why.

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