A few weeks ago, KevOnStage posted a video that reminded me a lot of what fascinates me about many "church folks." OK, so if you're not familiar with what Mormon soaking is, oh, it's a trip alright. I'll let Kev break it down for you:
Have y\u2019all heard of \u201csoaking\u201d? pic.twitter.com/MgHivzbCYr— Kev\u00edn (@Kev\u00edn) 1632942302
Somewhere, someone, came up with the notion that so long as a man doesn't — and yes, I'm gonna go grade school on this — put "it" all the way in or move around when he's partially in, he and his partner aren't actually having sex. Chile. CHILE. Now, before you roll your eyes over how ridiculous that sounds, do you know how many Christians who strive for some sort of sexual purity think that oral sex isn't "really sex" or that they can preserve their virginity by having anal sex? Yep. Also ridiculous. Denying something doesn't make it not so — across the board. Yet let me stay on topic.
As I thought about all of this stuff, something else that came to mind is a topic that I've been noticing on these here internets, more and more, as of late (although I'm still not quite sure why) — outercourse. I'm pretty sure you can tell, off the rip, that it's in the neighborhood of intercourse. Still, if you're not exactly sure what it is and how it's even in the realm of soaking and oral and anal sex, give me a few moments to explain.
Just What Is Outercourse?
Uh-huh. I know how some of y'all are — you like to skim, so, for you, the short definition of outercourse is it's the kind of sexual activity that doesn't include actual penetration. Although some Mormons and Christians have found a (delusional) workaround, some people consider it to be anything that doesn't include penis-in-vagina penetration. OK, so for the classic meaning of the word, outercourse is doing things like fondling, dry humping (do folks still say that, en masse?), kissing, mutual masturbation, and giving each other massages. For the "remix", oral sex, anal sex, hand jobs, fingering, and sex toys come into play.
Since there isn't any eggplant-in-the-taco (if you know what I mean) transpiring, does this mean that outercourse can qualify as abstinence? Eh. I guess it all depends on how you see abstinence. Since literal definitions include terms like self-restraint and self-denial, I'm not sure how much abstinence applies if you're somehow able to find ways to get your rocks off even without, again, putting it in. And, if you're approaching matters from a spiritual purity standpoint, lust is what the Bible frowns upon and how do you not do that when you're humping or oral-ing? Hmph. Speaking of, it's no secret that I've been abstinent for what seems like FOR-E-VER and one of my male friends once said, "Girl, if you're masturbating, you ain't abstinent. You just ain't got no n — a." He said that to me my first three years in. Ouch.
Anyway, if you've never heard the word "outercourse" before or you have yet it always sounded so — let's go with the word "unique" — that you never officially looked it up, now when it comes up online or in conversation, you know exactly what it's all about. And just why would someone find outercourse to be the lick (no pun intended)? Personally, five reasons come to mind (if you can think of more, please leave your comments underneath this post). I'll share them with you.
5 Benefits That Come from Engaging in Outercourse
1. No Pregnancy or STDs (If You’re Really Careful).
OK, so to give you some perspective, back in 2014, there were reportedly 1.9 million new STD cases. In 2019, there were 2.6 million. That's quite the leap, y'all. So, if you're looking for a way to engage in the "friction of sex" or to have an alternative to experiencing orgasm without running the risk of getting a sexually transmitted disease or pregnant, the classic definition of outercourse has your back. Now, as far as the remix goes, you can most definitely get an STD from oral and anal sex (I actually know a guy who got one from receiving fellatio; again, be careful out here!). On the pregnancy tip, you need to be using a condom when "backdoor sex" is going down, period, but you definitely need to in order to be on the safe side. Because spillage is spillage, right? And your rectum and vagina are pretty damn close together. Too close to risk it.
2. You and/or Your Partner Want to “Ease into” Sex.
One day soon, I'm gonna write an article about how love happens in layers. For many, so does sex. That said, once you've passed the kissing stage and you want more but you're not sure if it needs to be intercourse (yet), outercourse can be a good option. It can help you both to explore an intense level of foreplay, encourage you to learn each other's bodies, and still find ways to cultivate pleasure without putting the "p" into the "v."
3. You and Your Partner Don’t Have Any Protection.
Or, say that he forgot his condoms or you haven't been regular with taking your pills or you need to get a new diaphragm or you just started a new form of birth control and you're not confident enough that it's as close to foolproof as birth control can be (because NOTHING is 100 percent besides abstinence). For all of these situations, classic outercourse could be the jam because you can still climax (here's hoping anyway) without worrying about what the next week or following month could have in store.
4. You Want to “Perfect” Before-Intercourse-Activities.
OK, so here's where the classic and remix versions of outercourse can be really bomb. Whether you want you and/or your partner to get better at foreplay, you want to slow down intercourse sessions or you want to perfect a particular sexual act, this can also be where outercourse works like a charm.
For instance, say that you and your partner decide that you won't copulate until there are 30 minutes of outercourse and the focus is going to be oral sex. Then you can apply articles like "12 Things You Should Do During Oral Sex (That You Probably Aren't)", "Are You Ready To Amp Up Your Oral Sex Game? Try This." and "Want To Have Hotter Oral Sex? STOP Doing These 8 Things." to boost your technique and that knowledge added to a set amount of time can take all-things-sex to an entirely new level!
5. You’re not Enjoying Intercourse — Just Yet.
And finally, another benefit of outercourse is, I've worked with some married couples who…let's just say that they didn't see any fireworks during their wedding night or even the weeks and months that followed. Outercourse can be good for them because it's taking intercourse off the table so that there's less pressure while still encouraging them to learn what works and what doesn't…in other ways.
So, there you have it — enough info on outercourse to where at least you know what's going on and you can bring it up to your partner if any of the perks seem like a win to you. Just remember that the classic comes with the least risk, the remix is getting really close to the actual act and Mormon soaking is pretty ludicrous — and definitely qualifies as intercourse. Not outercourse.
Featured image by Getty Images
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at email@example.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
In the crazy world of dating, so much attention is placed on the behavior during actual dates. Whether it is choosing the right outfit or making a good first impression, the focus tends to center on the in-person time spent together. But something that often gets overlooked is the significance of "between date behavior (BDB)." BDB is not just generic good morning text messages (that can be sent to 10 women in one minute), but rather text check-ins during the day and even nightly phone calls. This is the time when two people are apart but still find time for connection.
It is during these in-between moments that the foundation of a truly meaningful relationship is often built. A glaring example of what happens when there isn’t BDB is the early relationship between Carrie and Big from Sex and the City. At the beginning of the series, she was so hyper-focused on the time she spent together that she ignored that Big wasn’t calling or texting her often between dates. Instead, he would reach out and send cars based on his convenience… and not hers.
When it comes to dating, don’t be Carrie!
BDB in Dating
BDB in Dating #datingtips #datingadvice #singleblackfemale #singleblackwoman #blackfemininity #femininityforblackwomen #blackdatingadvice #blackdating #singlelatina #singlelatinas
Please realize that 80-90% of your time will NOT be with your partner while seriously dating, so the BDB will also be a significant part of your relationship. Here are some other reasons why what happens when you're not together is just as, if not more, significant than the hours spent face-to-face…
One of the key factors that makes BDB so crucial is authenticity. When we are with someone on a date, it is easy to put on a front (show one’s representative), showcasing our best qualities and concealing our flaws. But it is in our day-to-day interactions, the text messages and phone calls, that our true selves shine through.
Consistency in behavior is an indicator of authenticity. And authenticity builds trust. And trust is the cornerstone of any meaningful relationship.
Speaking of trust, it is one of the foundations of a successful relationship. Building it doesn't happen in a single evening. It's the consistency in behavior between dates that solidifies trust. When your person consistently communicates, shows interest, and keeps it respectful in the moments between your dates, it is reassuring that your potential partner is seriously interested and invested in the relationship.
Also, in between dates, the channels of communication become lifelines that connect two people and nurture emotional intimacy. How you communicate and what you choose to communicate about can significantly impact a growing relationship. Consistent, thoughtful messages and meaningful conversations like sharing your thoughts, dreams, and vulnerabilities can help create a strong emotional bond. Being supportive and understanding during difficult moments can bring you closer together.
While the time spent on a date is super important, the BDB, I would argue, should not be slept on. It's the glue that holds the connection together, builds trust, and sets the stage for a healthy, long-lasting relationship. So, the next time you find yourself waiting for that next date, remember that the journey between those dates is just as significant, if not more so, in the grand scheme of building a meaningful connection.
Hope this helps!
Coach Anwar is a certified dating and relationship coach who has 13 years of experience helping Black and brown women date with strategy, meet relationship-ready men, and get into the best relationship of their lives.
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