

Love is kind. When it comes to how the Good Book defines love, the first word that is used is "patient." The second? It's kind. I can't tell you how many times I've sat in a counseling session with a married couple and been like, "Wow. Have y'all ever been kind to one another? Like…ever?" I also can't keep up with how many times I've noticed people whose words and actions, about and towards themselves, seem to be lacking in kindness too.
And since I wholeheartedly believe that there is absolutely no way that you can claim to love anyone, including yourself, without exhibiting vast levels of kindness, I thought it would be a good idea to share with y'all some helpful ways to start being kinder to yourself. So that you can see yourself in a better life. So that you can love yourself (even) more.
1. Determine to Extend to Yourself Kindness, Compassion and Respect
Recently, someone asked me to name three things that I thought people who are too hard on themselves were lacking. What immediately came to mind was kindness, compassion, and respect. And just what do all of these things look like when it comes to how you should express them to yourself?
To be kind is to be considerate, gentle, and even indulgent. That said, do you constantly put other people's feelings and needs above your own, even to your detriment? If so, you're not being very kind to yourself. When you make mistakes, do you constantly rehash them and blame yourself to the point of invoking emotional self-abuse? If so, you're not being very kind to yourself. Are you the one who constantly gives to others and yet you can't recall the last time you did something special for yourself? If so, you're not being very kind to yourself.
Compassion? Self-compassion is all about doing what the definition of compassion speaks about — "a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering". When something bad — or even unpreferred — happens to you, it's OK to extend sympathy, yes, to yourself. And when you are truly self-compassionate, you tend to be proactive as all get out about figuring out how to limit the time of suffering that you must endure. That might mean that a break-up requires going to therapy. Or that the end of a friendship will cause you to want to get closure so that there is peace between the two of you. Or if you've had a health scare, rather than beating yourself up over what you think you could've done differently, you figure out how to move more wisely going forward.
And respect? Respect is about esteem and esteem is about being valued. Do you require that the people in your life treat you like they value you? While we're at it, do you treat yourself like you value yourself? So much chaos, confusion, and frustration could be alleviated if we made it a point and practice to be kinder, more compassionate, and required to be treated with respect in this life.
2. Schedule in Quality Time with Yourself
By this time, I'm pretty sure you know what the five love languages are — physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, and quality time. Yet when it comes to loving on yourself, how good are you at expressing your own top two love languages? While my love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation, when it comes to being kind to myself, I know that all five need to be applied and that quality time, especially, needs to be a top priority.
Quality time with yourself is about turning off your notifications and reading a book. Quality time with yourself is about taking your own self on a date every once in a while. Quality time with yourself is about going on a walk before breakfast or after dinner, just to clear your mind. Quality time with yourself is about pulling out a piece of paper and writing down things that you like about yourself and are proud of. Quality time with yourself is about really listening to your mind, body, and spirit so that you can acknowledge when one or all of these areas express exhaustion or the need for some sort of pampering.
I don't know about y'all but the older that I get, the more I realize that 24 hours go by pretty quickly, and oftentimes, a lot of that time, goes to everyone but myself. Well, it used to be that way. For the past few years, I am all about giving myself some much-needed quality time. And you know what? I'm much calmer and far more focused and centered because of it.
3. Master the Art of Self-Comfort
Recently, I took a trip to go visit my goddaughters. One is 10 and the other is 2. Something that the two-year-old has mastered in a way that the 10-year-old hasn't (yet) is the ability to self-soothe. And boy, if that won't preach, I don't know what will! Although we are not an island, it's still important to know how to comfort oneself instead of always relying on other people to do it. Why? For one thing, folks are human and humans are fallible which means, at some point, they are going to disappoint you. Secondly, no one should be given so much power that if you have a need that they can't — or won't — meet, you are instantly in shambles because of it.
If you get bad news and your bestie pushes you to voicemail, you should be able to comfort yourself. If you had a hard day and your partner can't immediately discuss it with you, you should be able to comfort yourself. If you have moments when you don't feel as insecure as you would like, you should be able to comfort yourself. At the end of the day, self-comfort is all about being able to reassure yourself that you're a good person, that things are going to work out in due time and you're going to be OK until they are — and until that happens, you will figure out how to make yourself more comfortable in your reality.
Self-comfort is a superpower that doesn't get nearly enough props. I promise you that if you master it, it will totally change your life.
4. Devote Time, Each Day, to Your Dreams/Passions
A motto that I made up and live by, more and more, is "Chase nothing. You were born with your purpose and even your dreams come to you, so chase nothing." Instead, honor your dreams and passions by investing some of your time and talent into them. Not every once in a while. Not even for an hour, a couple of times each month. While you're in the process of putting your to-do list together, carve out 20 minutes to do something as it directly relates to a personal goal that you want to achieve.
The reason why this should be seen as an act of kindness is that just think about it — every day, a lot of us give someone else 6-12 hours of our time, oftentimes to build their dreams and passions on some level. By being intentional about setting some time aside for your gifts, your ambitions, your desires, it reminds you that what you want to manifest is important; so important that it deserves your undivided attention — not occasionally…daily.
5. Learn What Your Limits Are
As a survivor of many forms of abuse, whenever I'm asked to simplify that definition of abuse, while I do like what I once heard Dr. Phil say many years ago (that it's the "abnormal use of something"), I think it's about dismissing or disrespecting someone's limits; especially after someone has stated what they are. This goes back to my goddaughters again. As close as I am to them, whenever I see them, I don't rush to touch them. I let them know that I am thrilled to be in their presence, that I love them, and then either I will ask for a hug or wait for them to come to me. That's because their personal space is their personal space. A part of the reason why I'm so hypersensitive to this is that I grew up around people who, quite frankly, didn't give a damn about my boundaries — even to the point of giving me diaries, reading them, and then punishing me for what they read.
Even as an adult, in real-time, I will state certain things that I don't want to happen as it directly relates to myself, and some of my relatives will railroad right over what I said and do what they want anyway. Disrespectful. Whew, so disrespectful. And when we grow up not having people to 1) teach us boundaries and/or 2) honor our boundaries, we can grow up not knowing how to set the proper limits either. That results in us being people pleasers and/or exhausting ourselves and/or feeling bad whenever we say "no." Listen, people who truly love and respect you are going to adhere to your limits because they will want you to do the same for them. If you have gone so long without having any — or providing consequences to those who dishonor them — this is a textbook example of not being very kind to yourself. Isn't it about time that you start?
6. Treat Yourself. Daily.
When it comes to self-care content, you are probably never going to see a time when I'm not going to shout out the importance of treating yourself in some shape, form, or fashion. First, it gives you something to look forward to. Second, it reminds you of how important it is to reward — "something given or received in return or recompense for service, merit, hardship, etc." — yourself. Third, it "programs" you into the habit of doing something special for yourself, just because.
So, whether it's a pedicure after work, a luxurious bubble bath at home (check out "How About You Treat Yourself To A Luxurious Fall-Themed Bath?"), some takeout from your favorite restaurant (check out "10 Safety Practices For Ordering Takeout (During A Pandemic)"), a half a pint of your favorite ice cream (wink), or hopping on a site to purchase something that you've been eyeing for a while now — get used to planning to treat yourself. Not (just) on your birthday. Not only on special occasions.
Hell, every day is a special occasion, if you ask me. Be kind to yourself by loving on yourself by treating yourself. It's a simple practice that goes a really long way.
7. End Each Day, Acknowledging the Things You Did Well
It never fails. Whenever I ask someone to list five things that they like and then five things that they don't like about themselves, they ALWAYS start off with the "dislike" side. While there really is such a thing as a "negative bias" (which is why it's important to be hypervigilant about the amount of negativity that you take in from people and devices on a daily basis), oftentimes we can "rewire our brain" by focusing on the positive more often. One way to do that is to make a commitment to yourself, each and every day, to not close your eyes until you have vocally acknowledged at least three things that you did well that day. If it was showing up to work early, say it. If it was biting your tongue to keep the peace with someone who lives to trigger you, say it. If it was choosing not to break your budget to get something that honestly can wait a few more weeks, say it.
There is plenty of scientific data to support the fact that when we say things out loud, that makes it easier for us to remember them. So, make a promise to yourself, right here and right now, that you won't let one more day go by without "clapping for yourself", verbally, for a job well done — so that you can get used to "staying in the light" by thinking about the more positive side of things; especially as it relates to yourself.
8. Let Each Day Go at the End of Each One
This final point, oh, I'm preaching to the choir, right here, chile. You know, there's a Scripture in the Bible that says, "'Be angry, and do not sin': do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil." (Ephesians 4:26-27 — NKJV) I like these verses because 1) they're a reminder that there is nothing wrong with being angry; you just need to make wise choices in your anger and 2) they drive home the fact that holding a grudge is basically begging for trouble up the road — that it really is best to learn how to just…let things go.
For the record, I personally don't think that "letting things go" means not holding people accountable if they wronged you, that you should suppress your feelings if something doesn't sit well with you or that you should pretend like things are OK when they clearly aren't. To me, letting go is 1) purposing in your mind to control only what you can; 2) deciding to "state your cause" when the time is right and not nag once you do; 3) forgiving so that you aren't harboring negativity; 4) extending the grace and mercy that you would want to receive if the shoe was on the other foot; 5) not letting what happened yesterday have some much power over you that it wrecks an entirely new day.
Meditation can help you do this. Prayer can help you do this. Sharing your feelings in a safe space like with your spouse, significant other, or a close friend can help you to do this. Just make sure that you do it. Because when you make the choice to not internalize, harbor, or constantly rehearse things, it can prevent you from feeling anxious, overwhelmed, or totally stressed out.
Yep, letting stuff go is definitely an act of kindness because it ultimately helps you approach things from a place of peace and productiveness instead of bitterness and stagnation. And when you do this, you are being good to yourself — and when that transpires, life oftentimes is kinder to you as well. Hmph. Funny how that plays out, huh? Yeah. Exactly.
For more inspiration, self-care, and healing tips, check out xoNecole's Wellness section here.
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'Sistas' Star Skyh Black On The Power Of Hypnotherapy & Emotional Vulnerability For Men
In this insightful episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Sistas star Skyh Black, as he opened up about his journey of emotional growth, resilience, and self-discovery. The episode touches on emotional availability, self-worth, masculinity, and the importance of therapy in overcoming personal struggles.
Skyh Black on Emotional Availability & Love
On Emotional Availability & Vulnerability
“My wife and I wouldn't be where we are today if both of us weren't emotionally available,” he shared about his wife and Sistas co-star KJ Smith, highlighting the value of vulnerability and emotional openness in a relationship. His approach to masculinity stands in contrast to the traditional, stoic ideals. Skyh is not afraid to embrace softness as part of his emotional expression.
On Overcoming Self-Doubt & Worthiness Issues
Skyh reflected on the self-doubt and worthiness issues that he struggled with, especially early in his career. He opens up about his time in Los Angeles, living what he calls the “LA struggle story”—in a one-bedroom with three roommates—and being homeless three times over the span of 16 years. “I always had this self-sabotaging thought process,” Skyh said. “For me, I feel therapy is essential, period. I have a regular therapist and I go to a hypnotherapist.”
How Therapy Helped Him Heal From Self-Doubt
On Hypnotherapy & Empowering Self-Acceptance
Skyh’s journey is a testament to the power of tapping into self-development despite life’s struggles and being open to growth. “I had to submit to the fact that God was doing good in my life, and that I'm worthy of it. I had a worthiness issue and I did not realize that. So, that’s what the hypnotherapy did. It brought me back to the core. What is wrong so that I can fix it?”
Watch the full podcast episode below:
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Pack A Travel Case With These 12 Items For Amazing 'Summer Vacation Sex'
It’s kind of funny that while I’m literally in the process of writing this article, the Los Angeles Times published “How to get lucky on your family vacation” hours prior. LOL. Although this year marks a bit of a dip in the amount of Americans who plan on taking a summer vacation (because this administration ain’t making coin-keeping easy, y’all) — it’s still being reported that around 53 percent will do so in the name of rest, relaxation and spending quality time with their loved ones.
And for many, the loved ones category absolutely includes their bae. And if that is the case, that probably means that sex is somewhere on the menu.
Yep. I actually read one survey (that consisted of 2,000 people) that said folks tend to have twice as much sex while they are on vacation than they do when they’re at home. It makes sense too when you factor in that you have less to do (unless you’re traveling with those folks who act like you need an itinerary for every damn thing — and we all know one…SMDH), which makes you less stressed out, which makes it easier to feel sexy and to want to get sexual.
And so, in the spirit of that indeed being the case, I want to make sure that you carve out a corner of your suitcase or carry-on to include at least half of the following 12 things that are on this list — things that can help to make “summer vacation sex”…that much hotter, y’all.
1. Edible-Grade Sunscreen
It can’t be said enough that, no matter how melanated you may be, your skin needs sunscreen. Not only to protect yourself from the risk of skin cancer (which 1 in 5 Americans will get in their lifetime) but from premature aging that can come from sun damage too. That said, if the urge arises to have sex outside somewhere, I did find some edible-grade sunscreen, in case you’re either worried about what sex in the sun will do to your skin or how all of the chemicals in sunscreen will affect your (digestive) system. The company is called Sky & Sol and you can read up on them here.
2. Flavored Lip Balm
If you’ve ever wondered why your lips are so susceptible to being chapped, it’s because they don’t contain any oil glans to keep them moisturized. This is especially important to keep in mind when the weather is extremely cold or hot because that can do a real number on the sensitive skin that your lips are made out of. That’s why it’s essential to stay well-hydrated and to also keep some lip balm in tow. Lip balm is especially designed to moisturize your lips, reduce chapping, exfoliate, soothe irritation and protect your lips from UV damage. As a bonus, lip balm will also help to keep your lips super soft and kissable; especially if you get the flavored kind. #wink
3. Condoms
I’m still out here, literally shaking my damn head, that reportedly, only one-third of men and one-fourth of women use condoms (and even many of those folks don’t do it consistently). It can’t be said enough that if you’re not in a monogamous (married) or exclusive (dating) relationship where you both are getting regularly tested and are on some other form of birth control (unless you want to get pregnant) — you absolutely should be using condoms and, as a woman, you should not solely rely on your partner to have some that are ready and available.
Not just because you should be responsible for your body and health but because not all condoms are made equal, so you should bring along some that you prefer/enjoy. If you’d like a lil’ help picking those out, check out “These Are The Kinds Of Condoms Your Vagina Would Actually Prefer.”
4. Crotchless Swimsuit
Packing some sexy lingerie? I certainly hope that goes without saying. If you’ve got a hot tub around, though and you want to “get it in” without getting totally naked (so that nosey people won’t see every damn thing), you do know that there are some crotchless swimsuits out in these streets, right? An example of one is here. Of course, you can always do what Beyoncé said in “Drunk in Love” and just move ish over to the side but…I’m just giving you another creative option…if you wanted one.
5. Blindfolds
If you’d like to cultivate an atmosphere of mystery or anticipation, a simple blindfold will do the trick. There is another reason why I think they are great for summer vacation (sex) trips, though — if your hotel room doesn’t come with blackout curtains and you want to have a quickie or two without the room being so bright, putting on a blindfold can solve that “problem” too.
6. Waterproof Sex Toys
Who said that you have to wait until you get to your hotel room to engage in some foreplay? If you bring a couple of sex toys around, you can tease each other practically anywhere — and if they are waterproof, that includes in the ocean or pool. Some, you can pair up with your smartphone in order to stimulate your partner from just about anywhere. Whew, chile.
7. Homemade Sex Toys Too
Speaking of sex toys, you’d probably be amazed at how many things in your house can double up as one. A spatula or wooden spoon is great for spanking. A necktie, some tights and a pair of clothespins work well for BDSM (use your imagination, sis). An electronic toothbrush is its own vibrator. A string of (lubricated) pearls in between your thighs? Girrrl…GIRL. Oh, and cop a silicone ice tray that comes in different shapes.
When you are rubbing ice in the shape of fruit, flowers or even animals over each other’s bodies, you’ll be surprised by how the combination of the cold with the texture of the space of the ice will stimulate you (make the ice out of juice instead of water for an extra sweet treat!).
8. Portable Charger
I don’t know what took me so long to get a damn portable charger but it’s one of the best things that ever happened to me. What I personally purchased is the ANKER Zolo Power Bank, 20,000mAh 30W High-Speed Portable Charger. I can throw it in my purse, it charges fast, I can use more than once before needing to recharge it; plus, it complements most devices. A great thing to keep in mind, so that your sex toys don’t end up going out on you while you’re…wherever you are.
9. Massage Oil Candle
Going through security at the airport can be a HEADACHE. And while, how long it can take, oftentimes varies on the airport you’re at and the time you are traveling (you can read more about that here), the process is going to be especially annoying if they have to go through your bags. Since you can currently only pack a quarter-sized bag of liquid products on your carry-on, my two cents would be to leave the massage oil at home and pack a massage oil candle instead.
That way, you can still engage in some temperature play (check out “Hot Sex: 10 Super Sultry Reasons To Bring Wax Play Into Your Bedroom”) while you’re on the road without going through any security hassle hang-ups. Some edible massage oil candles are located right here.
10. Wine Cooler Sleeve
Say that you end up going on a wine tasting tour while you’re on vacation and you end up purchasing a bottle or you simply want to toast with some champagne but you’re not sure how to store the bottle. Did you know that there are wine cooler sleeves that are lightweight, portable and will help to keep your bottles cold without condensation for hours on end? A brand that comes highly recommended is here.
11. Rose Petals
I think there are a few reasons why rose petals are oftentimes used to create a sexy mood. Red symbolizes love and passion. Rose petals are soft to the touch. The scent of them is considered to be an aphrodisiac as well. For all of these reasons, bring along some fresh rose petals for your hotel bed. If you put a damp paper towel in something like a small Tupperware container and then place the rose petals inside of that, they won’t dry out quickly which will make them feel great once you’re ready to start rolling around in them (you can also keep them in your hotel room’s fridge to further extend their shelf life).
12. Mints
Morning sex. Outdoor sex. Whatever kind of sex — it’s always going to be better when your breath and his smell good. And just so you don’t have to lug around a big bottle of mouthwash, pack some mints. Altoids are always going to be my number one draft pick — yet go with whatever are your personal faves. They’re the perfect hack for unbelievable summer vacation sex. Wouldn’t you agree? Enjoy!
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