

Back when I read TIME’s article, “You Asked: Why Do I Always Wake Up at 3 A.M.?”, I found it to be fascinating that sleep apnea, acid reflux, and even aging can play a direct role in why some of us are able to fall asleep easily — only to wake up, almost right on the dot, at 3 a.m. As far as aging, specifically, goes, even though things like exercise and even keeping your thermostat down to a cooler setting can help to make getting some uninterrupted rest easier, so can consuming certain beverages.
And since this is the time of year when it’s cooler in the day and even frostier at night, I figured that this would be as good a time as any to share 12 warm drinks to sleep that can help you to get the quality of sleep that you’re after. So, if you’re looking for something to complement your new set of PJs and flannel sheets, how about getting yourself a new coffee mug to pour one (or more) of these drinks into it?
12 Warm Drinks To Sleep
1. Milk (or a Milk Alternative) and Honey
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Personally, I don’t know anyone who had a hard time falling asleep while growing up who wasn’t offered a warm cup of milk at some point. And as much as you might think that it’s more of a sleeping agent myth than anything, actually, there’s science to back why it’s a good idea. Something that milk contains is the amino acid tryptophan (the same thing that’s in turkey, for example), and that is known to make a person drowsy (for starters). That’s because it helps to trigger the production of serotonin and melatonin — two things that help you sleep better at night. The reason why you should add a teaspoon of honey to it is because not only can it calm middle-of-the-night cravings, but it literally provides your brain with the fuel that it needs to stay asleep as well.
And what if milk isn’t your thing (due to it being dairy)? I get that. Milk alternatives work, too. Most of them contain quite a bit of calcium, which also gets tryptophan going — so, whether it’s almond, oat, coconut, or something else, still give this option a shot. As an adult.
2. Passionflower Tea
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Whether you’ve had a rough day at work or there’s so much on your mind that you already know that falling asleep is going to be a challenge, passionflower tea is definitely something that you should have in your personal tea collection. The properties of this tea make it the kind that is great for making you feel calmer and more relaxed. In fact, many health professionals find its antioxidants to be so powerful that, to them, it’s an immediate go-to if you have anxiety or struggle with insomnia.
As a bonus, passionflower is also a tea that can help lower your blood pressure and decrease symptoms that are associated with menopause, like hot flashes, night sweats, and headaches.
3. Spiced Apple Juice (Warmed Up)
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Speaking of antioxidants, something else that is full of them is apple juice. And since (pure) apple juice is nothing but, well, juiced apples — if you’re looking to stabilize your blood sugar levels, reduce your cholesterol, ease inflammation, or get you to not overeat (especially at night), a cup of apple juice won’t do you a lick of harm. Hmph. Come to think of it, if you really want to get the most out of drinking apples, go with apple cider. The difference between it and juice is that it’s unfiltered and unpasteurized.
Anyway, if you add some cloves to the juice or cider, the cloves will not only spice up the drink, but they will also decrease inflammation, fight off free radicals, and treat stomach ulcers — if that is the cause of you not being able to rest very well. Fresh cloves or clove powder will do. A teaspoon in a cup of warm apple juice or cider that has been zapped in the microwave for about a minute or warmed up on the stove (my personal favorite) is all that you need.
4. Gotu Kola Tea
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A tea that has been hailed for its medicinal benefits in Southeast Asia is gotu kola tea. Believe it or not, a lot of women like it because it’s been known to reduce bloating and even soften the appearance of stretch marks (wild, right?). Sleep-wise, it’s another tea that can help to decrease anxiety and stress and treat insomnia, and if you’re someone who has a difficult time sleeping due to any joint discomfort, gotu kola can help in that department, too.
Another thing worth mentioning is the antioxidant and anti-inflammatory properties in this tea have even helped to heal varicose veins in some people. Yeah, you might not hear about this tea every day, but clearly, it’s a best-kept secret for a myriad of reasons.
5. Golden Milk
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Not familiar with the term “golden milk”? It’s basically milk that contains the spice turmeric along with two other spices — cinnamon and ginger. The combination makes for a powerhouse drink, thanks to all of the antioxidants that work to reduce bodily inflammation, lower blood sugar levels, get your mood all the way together, improve digestion, and thanks to its antibacterial, antiviral, and antifungal properties, it can help to keep you from catching a cold too.
Since some studies cite that turmeric can actually keep you from experiencing sleep deprivation, cinnamon contains the compound cinnamaldehyde that fights insomnia, and ginger is a natural remedy for headaches as well as muscle and joint pain — next time you’re at the store, pick some of these spices up. On the sleep tip, their benefits just might surprise you.
6. Mulled Blackberry Vanilla Mocktail
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Have you ever wondered what mulled wine actually is? It’s basically wine that has fruit and spices in it that’s been warmed up. Okay, but what if you like the concept of a warmed-up fruity drink, but alcohol isn’t what you have in mind? Why not make a mulled cocktail instead? If it consists of blackberries, you’ll be taking in plant compounds that will help to keep your gut healthy, support heart and oral health, fight against pre-cancer cells, increase your cognitive health, and even keep cold sores at bay.
As far as this particular topic goes, blackberries are good for you because the antioxidants in them can help to bring your stress levels down. And vanilla? Word on the street is that vanilla extract can help to reduce snoring (thanks to its compound vanillin, which can help to keep your respiratory system in good shape).
Plus, if you can’t seem to fall asleep due to a toothache, next to cloves (clove oil is BOMB), vanilla extract can help you out in that department, too. If you want to give it a shot, I’ve got a recipe for you right here.
7. Magnolia Bark Tea
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Something that’s very popular in traditional Chinese and Japanese medicine is magnolia bark — and yes, it’s exactly what it sounds like: bark from a magnolia tree. Since its got anti-inflammatory, antimicrobial, and antidepressant properties, I’m sure you get why so many rely on it for their overall health and well-being. Sleep-wise, it can help to reduce oxidative stress and bodily inflammation. It’s also another one of those teas that can make getting through menopause easier; that’s because it helps to reduce hot flashes and irritability.
Magnolia bark tea also contains the compounds magnolol and honokiol; the first keeps the chemicals in your brain balanced, and the second has studies that say it can help you fall asleep faster.
8. Warm Turmeric Latte
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Because turmeric is so good at putting so many to sleep, I wanted to offer up another option than just golden milk. A turmeric latte is one that has turmeric and milk (of course) while also adding in some cinnamon, ginger, vanilla extract, and a bit of black pepper. The black pepper is nothing to — pardon the pun — sleep on since the piperine that’s in it can actually help to produce more serotonin — the neurotransmitter that helps you to maintain the sleep cycle that your body needs.
Listen, chai lattes (lattes with black tea as the “base”) are my jam, so I am totally down to give this latte take a shot. If you are, try this recipe here.
9. Pomegranate Juice with Cinnamon
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If you’d like to try another juice blend, how about pomegranate? Off top, pomegranates are good for you because they are a good source of vitamin C, fiber, and folate. The properties in them help to reduce inflammation, protect your heart, make digestion easier, increase your workout performance, and even help to keep kidney stones from becoming an issue. The reason why I decided to add it to the “sleep agent” list is because it’s yet one more drink that can help with sleeplessness that’s directly associated with menopause.
We’ve already talked about cinnamon; add it if you want to put some “kick” into your juice. Just make sure that you go with 100 percent pure pomegranate juice. That cocktail stuff has so much sugar in it that drinking it will literally be counterproductive as far as getting a good night’s rest is concerned.
10. Hot (Dark) Chocolate
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Got a weakness for dark chocolate? That’s something that you can definitely feel good about (check out “12 Ways Dark Chocolate Can Benefit Your Body From Head To Toe”). Aside from its health benefits like being off-the-charts when it comes to its copper, magnesium, and iron content, it’s been proven that dark chocolate can increase blood circulation, improve brain function, and boost your libido too. It’s also a sweet way to catch some z-z-z’s thanks to its flavanols that can prevent your circadian rhythms from being distracted by the effects of sleep deprivation or psychological stress. Yeah, ain’t nothin’ like some piping cup of dark chocolate with a few marshmallows. Treat yo’ self.
11. Lavender Tea
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Out of all of the drinks on this list, you’re probably not surprised that lavender tea is on it. Lavender has a long-standing reputation for being a natural relaxant. That’s because it does everything from reducing stress levels and heart rates to soothing symptoms associated with menstrual pain and headaches. My two cents, sip on some lavender tea and rub a bit of pure lavender oil on the soles of your feet (read about why here) about 90 minutes before bedtime. I’ve been doing this with either lavender or CBD oil for some time now — and the quality of rest is unmatched, y’all. UN-FREAKIN’-MATCHED.
12. Cranberry Hot Toddies (Possibly…)
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When it comes to drinking alcohol before going to bed, it’s a bit of a layered topic. From what I’ve read and researched, the general consensus is that while it can make you initially drowsy and get you into a state of sleep, it tends to disrupt your rest in the middle of the night — and that could send you to tossing and turning. Since this has never been an issue for me (alcohol will put me out like a light), if you don’t mind having a sip of somethin’ sometimes at bedtime, I’ll end with a cranberry hot toddy suggestion.
As far as cranberries go, they’re another fruit that is full of antioxidants and fiber. They’re also good at fighting and preventing UTIs, stomach ulcers, and kidney stones. And since cranberries are also a good source of vitamin C, they can help you to both fall and stay asleep.
As far as what a hot toddy actually consists of, a few years back, I penned “10 Ways Alcohol Can Be Good For You Past A Great Buzz” for the platform. Whiskey or bourbon (which is a whiskey that’s made with 51 percent corn) and lemon help to qualify it. Since bourbon can boost your immunity and relieve congestion as lemon does the same — why not at least try this recipe here?
It could quickly be your favorite weekend (better to do the alcohol thing on the days when you don’t have to work) sleep solution. And with that said, and to all — with the help of these drinks, of course — a good night.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
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Relationships Shouldn't Be 'Hard Work.' They Should Be Maintenance.
Gross generalizations. Boy, if there’s one thing that social media is good for (other than acting like an opinion is a bona fide fact — SMDH), it’s speaking in gross generalizations. Take some commentary that I recently checked out by a male married influencer (name unnecessary). Although there is quite a bit of his content and perspectives that I appreciate, I did roll my eyes as I watched him share his thoughts on a post by a single woman who was giving relationship advice.
In response, there was something he said that was indeed a gross generalization (and opinion not fact): “Never listen to single women talk about relationships. They’re single.”
I’ve never been married before (which is how I personally define single), so did that trigger me? Eh. Trigger isn’t the right word (check out “Single Women: Yes, You Are Qualified To Talk About Relationships”); more like, it reminded me of how tired I am of, again, shallow and gross generalizations. You see, I’ve been a marriage life coach, successfully so, for over 20 years now and I’m even super proud to say that I’ve been able to help to reconcile a few divorces along the way — something that I don’t personally know any therapist, counselor or life coach, married or not, to have done. You see, when you have a purpose, are committed to it, and take evolving in it seriously, “status” and people’s opinions don’t hinder it.
Hmph, if anything, let me tell it, folks should applaud singles who respect marriage enough to not want to just…do it…just to be doing it. Besides, as I oftentimes say, with the divorce rate what it is (still holding at around 50 percent, by the way), seems like even married people (and a lot of divorced folks) are out here “crap shooting” when it comes to providing insights on how to make a marriage work and last — in a healthy way (which is key) too.
And just what does all of this possibly have to do with today’s topic? Well, because life is full of cynical people (chile, I am well aware), if anything has the potential to rub some folks the wrong way it would be what we’re about to touch on — at least, on the onset. Because what’s a very popular saying out in these internet streets: “Relationships, especially marriage, are hard work,” right? And here I come, with my single self, pushing back on that — AND I AM.
And you know what? Due to a philosophy that I both have and implement into my coaching, I have seen many married couples shift from “hard work” to marital maintenance. And a big part of it has been because we have worked through the following seven points — and that has altered, shoot, everything.
Are you ready to hear why this single woman believes what she does about the whole “It really doesn’t have to be grueling” thing?
Let’s proceed.
Toiling vs. Maintenance. Let’s Discuss.
The first time that I recall being introduced to the word “toil,” was in the Bible, after God gave Adam and Eve their consequences for what went down at the tree. Eve was told that she would submit to her husband and experience pain during labor and Adam was told that he would have to toil for his provision (Adam was to toil not Eve — some of y’all will catch that later — Genesis 3:14-21).
Toil is a rough word. It means “hard and continuous work” and “exhausting labor or effort.” Some synonyms for toil include exertion, pains, sweat, drudgery, and strain. As a result of Adam and the Woman (Eve’s name prior to sin — Genesis 2:18-25), Adam was going to have to work hard, continuously so, to meet a lot of his and his family’s needs. Toiling was the result of not listening. Bookmark that.
When it comes to relationships being hard work, while there are definitely seasons when a couple will have to put in more sweat (and tears) equity to get through more than others (because some seasons throw more stress and curveballs than others), if they constantly feel like their union is a form of toiling? Something is definitely up — and not in a good way.
Personally, I liken relationships to starting a garden: although, in the beginning, you may have to put in a lot to prepare the soil, remove the rocks, fertilize, plant, etc., once you get your groove and you make it a point to care for your garden on a daily basis, then it transitions into mere maintenance:
Maintenance: the act of maintaining; means of upkeep, support, or subsistence; livelihood
Maintain: to keep in existence or continuance; preserve; retain; to keep in an appropriate condition, operation, or force; keep unimpaired; to keep in a specified state, position, etc.; to affirm; assert; declare; to support in speech or argument, as a statement or proposition; to keep or hold against attack; to provide for the upkeep or support of; carry the expenses of; to sustain or support
Synonyms: cultivate (that’s a good one); manage; guard; renew; repair; supply; protect; provide; retain; uphold; persevere; advocate; hold; insist; stand by
Toiling (hard work) vs. maintenance (to keep in existence) — do you see how, while they both certainly require effort, one is way more straining and stress-filled than the other? And do you also get a bit more of why I am a firm believer that if folks are willing to “maintain their relationship garden,” expressing on-loop about how hard things are, that simply doesn’t have to be the case?
So, what causes so many folks to believe that relationships are more like toiling instead of maintenance? Good question.
1. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’re Not with the Right Person
There is a divorced woman and an engaged man who I find myself being like, “Naw, that’s not everyone; that’s YOU” whenever they tell me or I hear them tell other people about how hard marriage is. The divorced woman?
To this day, I definitely will stand by the fact that she had one of the most unhealthy marriages that I had ever witnessed and a big part of it was because she ignored rows of red flags before saying “I do” — his totally dysfunctional relationship with his mother; his very odd views on religion and race; the fact that he didn’t have many friends (and that he was low-key disrespectful to hers); how selfish and controlling he was (and still is); his very shallow views on therapy…oh, I could go on and on.
She married him anyway and so, what did she think was going to happen? That her marriage was going to be easy street? With a man like that?
As far as the engaged guy goes, I don’t think I’ve seen him and his fiancée go 10 days without some kind of a drag-out argument. He is constantly wanting to feel respected and she is constantly feeling unheard. He has been married before and felt the same way in his other relationship. And so, when he says that relationships are hard work — sir, you keep picking the same kind of person over and over again. Not getting a lesson in life and repeating it until you do? Yep, that is hard work.
And that’s why the first thing that must be addressed when it comes to “hard work relationships” is if you’re with someone who really isn’t your best fit — because…have you ever tried to put a puzzle piece into a spot where it doesn’t belong? That is indeed some hard work. On the other hand, when it goes where it was designed to, it slides in with ease.
I could go on and on about this point; however, I think y’all get the gist. Plus, there is more ground to cover, so let’s continue…
2. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You Don’t Put in Daily Intentional Effort
If someone were to ask you how much time, on average, couples spend together on a daily basis, what would you say? If you have no clue, let me give you a hint: it’s the same amount of time that most people also spend on social media: 2.5 hours. This literally means that folks are out here prioritizing their relationship in the same way that they do their Instagram account — and that is a damn shame.
When it comes to relationships, one of my favorite quotes is, “People change and forget to tell each other.” And this is probably the reason why a lot of individuals, when asked why their relationship ended, will simply shrug and say, “We just grew apart.” Did you — or did you not put in daily effort to maintain — guard, renew, supply, uphold, and manage — your relationship? Because really, if you’ve got 24 hours in a day, 168 hours in a week, and roughly 720 hours in a month (depending on how many days are in said month) and only a tiny bit of that time is spent on your relationship, how could trying to play catch-up not feel like hard work to you?
While growing up, I would go to visit my dad and great-grandparents in Dallas every summer. A memory that I have is my great-grandfather watering the lawn, every evening, like clockwork. He had the best lawn on the block too. He wasn’t sweating and struggling while he was out there with his water hose. That man would sit in a lawn chair and kick right on back — because he was maintaining his yard…daily.
If a lot of couples were honest, they would admit that they put more time into, shoot, everything else BUT their relationship — and that’s why it feels like hard work so much. If that’s you, devote that social media time to your bae. See how much it improves and enhances your dynamic when you do. It just might surprise you.
3. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’ve Got a Toxic “Support System”
Wanna know something that really makes a relationship hard? Having moments of struggle and having family members and friends who only have negative things to say. This is another reason why it amazes me that folks think that single people are automatically relationally problematic to married folks (as far as advice and insight go) when my clients tell me that it’s mostly MARRIED AND DIVORCED INDIVIDUALS who they get some of the worst advice from as far as how they should handle their “valley situations.”
Whew, there is nothing like someone claiming to tell you that they are looking out for you when really, they are just projecting their own toxic mess onto you — and that happens…a lot. And when you don’t have people around who are fans of marriage and advocates of yours (not either or…both), when you need someone to lean on, pray for you, offer insight that will “get you to the other side” and no one’s around — of course, that can make your relationship feel like really hard work. Of course, you are going to toil.
Right now, I have a friend who is going through one of the hardest times in her marriage. Guess who she’s talking to a lot? Me. Why? “I know that you will never encourage me to leave my husband,” she has said — and she’s right. Meanwhile, she’s got some married people who are talking about what they wouldn’t put up with or tolerate. This man isn’t abusing my friend. They are simply having a challenging time. It happens. What she needs is the kind of support that is going to “fuel her” through this part of her journey — not a group of folks who bring new meaning to misery loves company (online or off, by the way).
Yeah, surrounding yourself with poison when you are going through a relationship trial? That can definitely make marriage feel like it’s really, really hard work.
4. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You Fail to Take Accountability
Ever notice that when people talk about why their marriage failed, 8.5 times out of 10, they will go on and on about what their former spouse did or didn’t do and yet will say absolutely nothing about what they could’ve/should’ve done better?
That’s called not taking personal accountability and it actually helps to explain why the divorce rate significantly increases with second (67 percent) and third (73 percent) marriages — people are so busy thinking that someone else is the problem and so all they need to do is “push reset” with a new person when all that does is amplify the point of one of my all-time favorite quotes: “Everywhere you go, there you are.” (I believe it’s Confucious who originated that.)
Accountability helps you to take responsibility for your actions. Accountability helps you to see where you can stand to improve. Accountability helps you to take constructive criticism. Accountability helps you to handle things in a mature rather than childish fashion (more of that in a bit). Accountability helps you to apologize. Accountability helps you to actually listen instead of always wanting to only be heard. Accountability helps you to grow up.
If you are bad at holding yourself accountable or you are in a relationship with someone who sucks at personal accountability — hell, no wonder your relationship is wearing you out. You can’t get anywhere far or good with someone who refuses to hold themselves accountable. My advice in this instance? See a therapist/counselor/life coach — STAT.
5. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When Your Expectations Are Unrealistic (or Hypocritical)
I believe I’ve shared before that I’ve got a friend — a friend who’s been married for over 20 years, by the way — who, whenever his wife finds herself comparing their marriage to others or she rants about things that she’s dissatisfied with and it seems to come totally out of the blue, he will simply say, “You need to lower your expectations, honey.”
It tickles me every time I think about it because, what he’s basically saying is, “Now, you were fine until you went on a scrolling social media marathon or one of your friends talked about their wedding ring upgrade and now, here you are — making problems where there are none.” See, he’s not telling her to have no expectations; he’s telling her to be realistic about the ones that she comes up with — and that is some grown kids' advice right there.
When it comes to this particular point, a great example of having unrealistic expectations is to bring perfectionism into your relational dynamic. Wanting a flawless relationship is always going to make things trying because not only is there no such thing (because you are not perfect and neither is your partner), perfectionism is rooted in things like being hypercritical, never knowing how to be content, setting goals that are damn near impossible to reach, constantly stressing yourself out as well as those who are around you and not knowing how to live in the moment.
I know some perfectionists and I honestly try to keep my distance from them because they are draining to be around, so I can only imagine what it’s like to be in a relationship with one. SMDH. If this pushed some buttons, absolutely, being in a relationship with a perfectionist is hard work.
As far as the hypocrisy thing goes — it deserves its own article. For now, I’ll just say, that if you’re someone who expects from your partner what you yourself are not providing, not only are you being hypocritical, but you are a miserable person to be around as well. Because there is nothing like being in a relationship with someone who sets higher expectations of their partner than they do for their own selves. Amen? Amen.
6. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When Intimacy Is Lacking
I am totally unapologetic when I say that one of the greatest relationship gaslights of all time is believing that someone is unfaithful if they have sex with someone other than their committed partner while totally ignoring the fact that it is also an unfaithful act to commit to being your partner’s only sex outlet while refusing to sleep with them. Both things are selfish. Both things are toxic. Both things are relationally counterproductive. Yeah, you are definitely setting yourself up to have an excruciating relationship if you fall into one of these categories.
That’s a big part of the reason why I appreciated the “Dead Ass Podcast Season 4- Episode 2: Monogamy Expectations Vs. Reality” episode (featuring Devale and Khadeen Ellis) that I watched a few weeks back. Although it’s a few years old, if you are married or are considering getting married, it really is an unfiltered take between a husband and wife about intimacy, the expectations and needs within intimacy, and how to balance it all that you should check out. Something else that I like about it?
It’s a blaring reminder that SEX IS A RESPONSIBILITY IN MARRIAGE — and perhaps that is one of the real downsides about sex outside of it: since, when you are single, you are mostly focused on you and you alone when it comes to sex, it can be hard to realize that you need to prioritize your partner’s needs just as much as your own (as they do the same for you) after jumping the broom.
This means that no — you can’t be out here “not in the mood” for months at a time and then be freaking out at the thought of your partner liking an IG picture. Because let’s be real — on what planet does a sane person sign up for exclusivity or monogamy and then not expect to receive intimacy from the only source that they committed to get it from? Listen, if your partner sleeps with someone else, they cheated and, at the same time, if you refused to sleep with them, didn’t you cheat (the agreement) too?
In a long-term committed relationship, sex is one of the main things that sets it apart from all other relational dynamics. If you’re not bringing that to the table, how are YOU being faithful to the relationship?
Let’s please stop bugging when it comes to this because absolutely no one (who is physically capable) wants to be in a long-term sexless romantic relationship. That said, anyone who has a partner who minimizes intimacy, manipulates intimacy, or weaponizes intimacy — they are absolutely grueling to be around. Torturous even. And yes, to try and make it work with this type of individual…that is beyond hard work.
7. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’re Not Mature Enough for a Relationship
There is a man that I know who has been married for a few decades at this point and, throughout that entire time, he has mentioned how hard and incredibly stressful his marriage is. I bet because I have seen in a very up close and personal way that he’s with someone who is emotionally immature.
Yeah, while social media influencers are constantly talking about how they want someone who is emotionally intelligent (effective conflict management is one sign of that, relationship folks — so is apologizing and forgiving — hmm…), what we really need to be addressing in these streets is what it means to be emotionally immature:
- Emotionally immature people are poor communicators
- Emotionally immature people are self-centered
- Emotionally immature people act impulsively
- Emotionally immature people are inflexible and don’t know how to compromise
- Emotionally immature people are inconsistent
- Emotionally immature people like to play the victim
- Emotionally immature people don’t manage their emotions well
- Emotionally immature people make excuses instead of taking responsibility for their actions
- Emotionally immature people tend to overreact to things
- Emotionally immature people “go on the attack” and/or hit below the belt during conflict
Meanwhile, signs of emotional maturity:
- Emotionally mature people know how to own their ish without deflecting
- Emotionally mature people have healthy boundaries
- Emotionally mature people are solutions rather than problems-oriented
- Emotionally mature people are flexible and adaptable
- Emotionally mature people strive to see the positives and silver linings of things
- Emotionally mature people are humble (peep how much social media pushes back on humility)
- Emotionally mature people are very self-aware (about their good and not-so-good points)
- Emotionally mature people can put themselves in other people’s shoes
- Emotionally mature people aren’t bitter
- Emotionally mature people know how to be patient
Do you know how many folks out here are absolutely not with an emotionally mature person? And when a grown adult feels like they are damn near babysitting their partner — how could that not feel like some really hard work?
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Now do you get why this article has the title that it does? Just imagine if more people took all of what I said to heart and then altered the things that they are doing here. Do you get how their relationship could go from being hard work to being maintenance? Less toiling and more cultivating? Less exhausting labor and more upkeep? Less drudgery and more affirming?
Again, I have clients who’ve told me that since we’ve worked on these very issues, their marriage is easier than it’s ever been. Hmph. That’s what happens when you stop calling the relationship “hard work” and focus more on being easier to deal with instead.
Both ways. Just sayin’.
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