Adulting can be frustrating and challenging, and we all know that life gets super-hectic. Before you know it, you're too busy juggling bills, taking care of family obligations, managing everyday responsibilities, and putting out workplace fires to even think about anything close to career dreams. That's something you did as a kid, with nothing but homework, school crushes, and puberty to fret about.
Well, we beg to differ. Taking the time to not only acknowledge your wildest dreams of success, prosperity, and happiness but work toward making those dreams reality is important now more than ever. "I'm a true believer that we are human beings who are meant to grow and expand, evolve and meet new versions of ourselves over and over and over again," says Teneshia Jackson Warner, CEO of EGAMI Group and founder of The Dream Project.
Courtesy of EGAMI Group
Jackson Warner wrote The Big Stretch: 90 Days to Expand Your Dreams, Crush Your Goals, and Create Your Own Success, a book that was sparked by her own story of unapologetically dreaming big and working toward bringing career dreams to life. "I am the definition of a dreamer. I came to New York City with two bags, a Bible, and a big dream, not knowing a soul."
Early in her career, she worked as a project manager at IBM Global Services before moving on to become a general manager at Rush Communications. She then stepped out on faith to launch her own company, offering dynamic marketing strategies for major brands including Hennessy and Procter & Gamble.
"Fast-forward 17 years later: I'm in my own New York office with my own team and partners. That was a dream for me," she adds. "I wanted to be able to share any insights I've learned along the way to equip other dreamers to live the life that they dream about. I had to personally stretch outside of my comfort zone and take a leap of faith and it panned out."
Through The Dream Project, she has curated and interviewed more than 200 business, entertainment, and community leaders, from tycoon Magic Johnson to Rent the Runway founder Jennifer Fleiss. "In interviewing them or having them participate on our panels, I found that there were some universal truths across all of their journeys. My goal was to take some of those universal principles and make them digestible and simple for any dreamer to apply on their journey."
So, what can you actually do to get dreams out of your head and into real life? We know, it's great to be motivated by inspirational quotes or inspired by success stories, but what's the plan, sis? We've got you covered.
Read below to find out more about Jackson Warner's 5 types of "Career Dreamers" and how you can begin to tap into your own journey of advancement:
What are the 'Dreamer' types, and how do we know which one we might be?
Teneshia Jackson Warner: There's the 'Careerpreneur Dreamer' and this is someone who finds it important to align their passion with their day-to-day job. They don't necessarily have the same risk tolerance as an entrepreneurial person who will risk it all in the name of a dream. They are able to thrive in corporate structures or environments where there's an infrastructure and process. The 'Make It Happen Dreamer' thrives in risky environments. These people are visionaries, and they like to work for themselves. They're willing to take the risk that comes with that.
A 'Hobby Dreamer' is a professional or entrepreneur who is working in their business area, and, while they have other passions, they do not want to put the burden on their passions to take care of their families. They want to nurture their passions, but they're not going to make them the main income stream.
The 'Activist Dreamer' is a person who has the ability to see a problem in the world—a community challenge, societal issue, or social injustice—and they are compelled to do something. They will start a nonprofit or movement and dedicate their lives to [addressing] issues that impact our world.
The 'CEO Dreamer' is someone who has worked a significant amount of time in the corporate structure and they've always known that they want to be their own boss. They've made the transition from that corporate environment or that traditional work setting into a more entrepreneurial model, taking what they've learned to thrive in venturing out on their own.
You detail how a 'career stretch' is necessary in order to turn a dream into reality. What does this entail?
The career stretch is the distance between your comfort zone and your dream. Once you begin to stretch, you're expanding outside of that comfort zone. It's the expansion that is necessary for you to meet another version of yourself. I'm a big believer that you must make sure you're constantly evolving in all areas of your career.
What specifically can we do to initiate the 'stretch' and turn career dreams into reality?
My book is broken into phases. For a 'Careerpreneur Dreamer,' for example, we start by focusing on the "Dream" phase where you reflect and do some soul-searching about where you are and what's next. You really challenge yourself to do some thinking. Is the dream really yours or are you living out a dream that has expired but is safe? I encourage you to write it down and make it plain.
Second, give yourself the space to dream again. In that phase, you identify your ideal dream environment and get intentional about immersing yourself in those environments. There are other activities in that phase as well such as detoxing poor habits and taking a look at your 'Family Dreamers Ancestry' to determine what you were taught about dreaming. Were there any areas where you have limiting beliefs that might be holding you back?
Think about the end of 2022 and ask yourself, 'What are some things that I wish to accomplish but then that will move you forward to reach that dream in your career?' The "Design" phase is about taking the big-idea dream and quantifying it in a plan that can be measured. Think about that goal you want to accomplish, and think of things you need to do in the next 90 days.
It could be, 'I'm going to hire a recruiter,' or 'I'm going to commit to sending my resume to a minimum of 10 companies a week.' You map measurable goals over that time period. Be sure your goals are attainable, relevant, time-based, and specific and that the plan is as well.
Then it's the "Dare" phase in which you get comfortable with making daring moves. Let's say you think, 'I don't do well pitching,' or 'I don't do well asking for support.' This is where you have to work on getting comfortable with being uncomfortable in making daring moves in the name of the dream, and you strengthen your boldness with exercises.
The last is the "Do" phase. If you're really serious about making the 'Career Stretch' a lifestyle, you really need to be willing to stick with your dream plan for the long-term—even after the first time you lack funding, hear a no, or face an unexpected blow like the pandemic. You have to have the toughness, tenacity, and mental exercises in order to combat those obstacles when they come.
You're willing to become a 'Dream Warrior' to fight the challenges that stand between you and your dream.
How can young professionals today execute these phases, especially those who have not had the traditional in-person workplace or professional experience due to the pandemic?
Part of your job as the leader and champion of your career is to be intentional on how you build your network and be resourceful regardless of the times. If you're still in a completely remote environment, invite people to a 10-minute coffee conversation over Zoom. Send them a digital card for Starbucks. Challenge yourself to do those virtual meet-ups. I even take lunch with a person over Zoom. I call them 'Chew and Chats,' and again, lunch is on me. Create those connections, even virtually.
Also, the world is now open again in a hybrid model, and while I do think we will embrace and define new ways of working, human connection and collaboration will always be important. Keeping safety first, of course, I challenge everyone to get back out there. I took six weeks to do what I call a 'purposeful connection tour,' where I intentionally went back to building a human connection with partners, team members, and clients. And before talking business, it was about re-sparking that human connection.
It not only warmed my heart, it warmed theirs. Step away from Zoom. People do business with people, not Zoom boxes. Get outside!
Find out more about Teneshia Jackson Warner on IG @TeneshiaJWarner or via her website.
Featured image courtesy of Egami Group
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Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me to define one of the main purposes of sex in a long-term relationship: “Probably the most intimate form of communication that we have is sex because it’s an act that connects one’s physical, mental and emotional state to another human being simultaneously — and communication doesn’t get much more profound than that.”
That’s part of the reason why the term “casual sex” irks me to the billionth degree (check out “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'”); it’s because, even if you think that sex with someone is next-to-nothing, there is so much going on within you (oxytocin highs, if you’re unprotected, fluid bonding, chemical reactions in your brain, etc.) that doesn’t know if someone is “the one” (in your mind) or not. So, in many ways, it acts like they are (check out this YouTube video from a Catholic woman who studies some unexpected ways that sex affects us physically here; sex goes deep, y’all!).
Yeah, sex is so much more than a notion, and that’s why I’m a firm believer that it is such a barometer for long-term relationships overall — because, as I’ve shared before, I once read that, “Good sex in a relationship is 10 percent of the relationship while bad sex in a relationship is 90 percent of the relationship because sex tends to set the tone for what’s happening in the rest of the house.”
And that’s why I think that there are certain sex-related issues that can not only damage your sex life with your partner but could also end up ruining your relationship if you’re not careful (very careful). Let’s get into seven of them now.
1. Being Unaware of Your “Body Clock”Giphy
I can’t tell you how many clients I’ve had who’ve come to me in some serious trouble, in part due to their flailing (or partly nonexistent) sex life. When I ask them if they went to premarital counseling (if you’re engaged, please do; you have a 33 percent greater chance of avoiding divorce when counseling transpires), many say “no” and the ones who say “yes” usually say that it was no more than 3-5 sessions and the topic of sex barely came up (le sigh). Meanwhile, with my premarital meetings, I try and stick with intimacy for three months if I can because there is a lot to unpack, from what you learned as a child, to your first time (or if you are a virgin), to your needs and fantasies, to how you see it from a spiritual perspective — like I said, there is a lot to unpack there.
Take the mere practicality of sex, for example — and more specifically, your body clock. Do you prefer to have sex at night or in the daytime? A lot of couples struggle with intimacy because one prefers the former while the other likes the latter. Do you keep track of when you’re ovulating? It’s pure science why you are probably hornier during that time of the month (because your body is signaling that it’s time to conceive) vs. the fact that you might not be the most interested in sex when you’re PMS’ing. Are you premenopausal? Hormones shift a lot during that time, and here’s the thing — while menopause only lasts a year, the premenopausal stage (which typically starts between 45-55) can last between 7-14 years. Even paying attention to when you have more energy (some do in the day…morning sex, anyone? While others do early in the evening) can play a role.
So yeah, getting to know your body clock (and discussing your partner’s clock with them) can play a role in how much — or how little — sex you have…and that can add life or drain it from the relationship overall.
2. Comparing Your Present with Your PastGiphy
There is a wife of almost 20 years I know who, when I asked her if she thought that her husband was good in bed, she paused for a second, shrugged her shoulders, and simply said, “I was a virgin when I got married, so I have nothing to compare him to. I mean, he’s good to me.” On the flip side, there’s a now divorced couple who I also know (who almost made it to 20 years) who had multiple partners before each other while also having a deep interest in porn who once said to me, “Sometimes, there’s as much as 15 people in our bed because of all of the people from our past and the porn that we’ve seen that’s running through our heads.” Yeah, y’all can act like body counts don’t matter, but there is so much evidence out here that says otherwise — that couple just gave one that doesn’t get talked about as much as it should.
You know, one of my favorite throwback shows is King of Queens (Kevin James, Leah Remini). A few weeks ago, I watched a rerun where Doug and Carrie were talking about the images that come up in their minds, sometimes during sex. Neither was too happy about it, and I can totally see why. I mean, if sex was just about “getting off” (and it’s not), then whatever. However, AGAIN, it’s also about connecting with your partner on a mental and emotional level, and that’s hard to do if you’re there with them in the body while you’re fantasizing about a celebrity, a porn actor (porn is usually acting, don’t let it fool you) or an ex (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”).
And what if that is what’s going on? I once spoke with a sex therapist about this very thing. What she said is people should be less concerned about celebs (if it’s on occasion) and more concerned about that ex because rarely is sex with an ex…just about the sex.
And that’s why this point made the list. If you’re physically with your partner and mentally or emotionally with your ex at the same time, please don’t ignore that. There are definitely some unresolved issues there that you need to work through, whether it’s with a therapist, counselor, or coach, a trusted friend (who won’t add fuel to the literal fire), or even with your ex — although you might want to run that by your partner first because…I’m pretty sure you’d want him to do that with/for you. RIGHT?
3. Not Being Clear About Your Sexual NeedsGiphy
Question — if someone were to walk up to you right now and ask you what your top seven sexual needs are, along with what your top five sexual dealbreakers are, would you be able to answer? It really is kind of wild how many people get upset with their partner for not being able to sexually satisfy them when even they can’t articulate what they need/require in order for that to happen. Yeah, it’s another article for another time about how many people UNREALISTICALLY (and yes, I am yelling it) think that someone loving them well means that they should be able to read their mind. Nope.
It truly can’t be said enough that sex — especially good sex — is about communication. Hmph. It makes me think about a clip that I saw from Tonight’s Conversation podcast (can’t find it at the moment; sorry) where a woman asked how she should tell her partner that he hasn’t been pleasing her, I believe she said for years. My first thought was if he doesn’t know that, she must be faking orgasms (more on that in a bit) which is not only lying — well, it is —, but it’s also pretty counterproductive because while he thinks that he’s “getting the job done,” she’s not fulfilled and resentment is setting in.
Please don’t let rom-coms (fiction) and social media (which is oftentimes fictitious) have you out here thinking that a good lover is someone you automatically gel with who knows exactly what to do; sometimes that is the case, and oftentimes it isn’t.
So, if the sex-related issue that you’re having in your relationship is that your sexual needs aren’t being met, first do you (and your partner) a favor by doing some sex journaling (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”) so that you can tangibly see what those needs are and then plan time within the next week or so to pour a couple of glasses of wine, put on some 90s R&B and discuss with your partner what you need. Because actually, what a good lover is, is someone who listens and retains. This brings me to the next point.
4. Minimizing Your Partner’s Sexual NeedsGiphy
A husband once told that when he and his wife were in premarital counseling, something that he mentioned was a bona fide need was fellatio. According to him, his wife told both him and their counselor that she loved giving head. Fast forward to eight years of being in their union, and guess how many times that act went down? A measly four. FOUR TIMES (check out “Sooo...What If You HATE Oral?”).
It’s another message for another time, the amount of people who will “false advertise” during the dating stage in order to get to their goal of marriage. It’s also another message for another time how much that is a form of manipulation that tends to backfire in ways that the manipulator is oftentimes not prepared for.
For now, what I will say, is never think that just because something may not be a need for you that it isn’t a legitimate one for someone else. I mean, how would you feel if that’s how someone treated you? Yeah…exactly.
Yet that is just what happens in a lot of relationships, including when it comes to their bedroom. They will think that their needs should be met, hands down, yet when their partner comes with what’s important to them, all of a sudden, there is dismissiveness, nonchalance, and/or excuses — and how could that not rear its ugly head on so many levels?
Your partner’s sexual needs are essential, even if they are not your own. Never assume that you automatically know everything about them. Also, never assume that what worked two years ago is what will “scratch the itch” now. Hmph. Come to think of it, while you’re sipping on that wine and clearly articulating to him what turns you on, use that as an opportunity to ask him to return the favor. Listen with humility, receptiveness, and intent — the best kind of relationships process their partner’s needs with this kind of vibe…across the board.
5. Taking the “If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It” ApproachGiphy
Lazy lovers. When you hear that phrase, what’s the first thing that comes to your mind? If it’s someone who is just lying there during sex, that would certainly qualify; however, I’m actually speaking of a different kind of laziness here. Believe it or not, some synonyms for lazy include words like apathetic, inattentive, tired, passive (cough, cough), procrastinating, neglectful, and slacking. So yeah, if you and/or your partner can use any of these words to define what sex is consistently like between the two of you — red flag, red flag…RED FREAKIN’ FLAG.
Speaking of being passive, another potentially serious sex-related problem is taking on the attitude that if something ain’t broke, you shouldn’t fix it. What I mean by that is, just because you know that getting on top and riding for exactly six-and-a-half minutes is what will get your partner off, that doesn’t mean that it should be your automatic go-to all of the damn time.
Why? Because. While a part of the fun of having sex is “reaching the peak,” another component that should never be underestimated is discovering new territory: trying new positions, creating a sex bucket list, taking (more) sexcations, playing sex-themed board games (put that phrase in Amazon or on Etsy’s site and go ham!)…you know, doing what will inspire creativity and deter either of you from becoming bored.
That said, a husband of 17 years once told me, “A man can be satisfied with the same woman. We just don’t want the same kind of sex with her.” Words to live by. Yes, indeed.
6. Using Sex as a Deflection or Coping MechanismGiphy
A few years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Make-Up Sex Might Be Doing Your Relationship More Harm Than Good” — and with good cause. Words cannot express how many divorced (or soon-to-be divorced) women have told me that a part of what kept them in their marriage, for as long as they stayed in it, was the fact that the sex with their husband was beyond amazing…even though so much other stuff completely and totally sucked. Hey, good sex isn’t a bad thing (c’mon now); however, if it’s the only real thing that’s keeping you with someone, it can turn out to be a toxic deflector.
The reason why I say that is the purpose of sex isn’t to make love; it’s to celebrate it. And if all you’re doing with your partner is f — king and fighting or avoiding issues by stripping down or thinking that sex will “make it all better,” all the while not really knowing what the problem/issue is or what needs to be done to get down to the root of it, that is using sex as a pacifier and again, that’s not what sex is designed to be. Sex doesn’t deserve the pressure of being the end-all to “fixing” ish.
So, if what’s transpiring in your relationship lately is very little talking and a whole lot of sexing, and then once the sex is over, something still feels “off,” that’s a good indication that you’re misusing sex on some level. Get out of the bed, put on a robe, and do some talking (preferably in a room other than the bedroom; leave that space for sex and sleep only as much as possible). Because remember — as much as the wives that I mentioned said that their husbands once had them climbing the walls, those men are still ex-husbands now. Bottom line, sex is good, yet when it comes to keeping a relationship together, it will never be enough. Again, it was never designed to be.
7. Faking ItGiphy
I will never be a fan of faking orgasms. Maybe it’s because I’m a Gemini (we may be a lot of things, but “fake” isn’t really our style). Maybe it’s because I’m a very word-literal individual, and I know that fake means things like “prepare or make (something specious, deceptive, or fraudulent)” and “to conceal the defects of or make appear more attractive, interesting, valuable, etc., usually in order to deceive.” Or perhaps it’s because I don’t get how acting like you’re sexually fulfilled when you actually aren’t is doing anyone any good. Whatever it is, whenever a client (or someone in general because men fakealmost as much as women do) tells me that it’s something they do, I immediately find myself on a mission to shut that mess down (check out “Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP”). ALL THE WAY DOWN.
The main reason is that, regardless of if the motive is to hurry things along, not hurt your partner’s feelings, or it’s something more cryptic than that (cough, cough, some form of manipulation tactic), there’s no way around the fact that fakeness is tied to deception and deception is a word that should never be connected to a healthy sexual dynamic.
Besides, one could argue that faking is a form of deflection as well because…wouldn’t it be better to just get it all out in the open WHY you are doing it than to keep pretending when life is too short and great sex is too good to not get the absolute most out of it, as much as possible?
Besides, again, chances are that if you’re faking that you’re sexually pleased, you’re probably faking something else in your relationship (or situation), and how could that possibly be good, right, or beneficial?
Yeah, when it comes to being satisfied across the board, please don’t fake it. State your case in the way that you’d like to hear something said to you, and let the chips fall where they may. If you’ve got a good man, he’s gonna — no pun — rise to the occasion. If his ego can’t handle it, well…that’s something that you should find out sooner than later — when it comes to the bedroom and outside of it? Right? #shoyouright
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Featured image by Giphy