Just like clockwork, I’m starting to see social media posts and television commercials about the fact that summer is almost over. I guess it’s because school is about to be back in session; however, the actual summer season couldn’t care less about that. What I mean is, no matter what year it is, summer technically does not roll into fall until sometime between September 21st-24th of every year. This year, it’s on the 23rd, which means we have several more weeks to learn more about what we can do to preserve our God-given beauty while the sun is still blazin’ and the days are still extra long.
And since a lot of us tend to lean into protective styles (especially with the kind of heat that this summer has been completely showing out with!), I thought it would be a smart move to offer up some tips on things that you can do to get the most out of your preferred protective style look until it gets into my favorite time of the year — autumn.
Personally, I think this is the ideal time to share these 15 suggestions…being that you’ve got about as long as a set of box braids should be in your hair before cooler weather comes around (some of y’all will catch that later). Timing is indeed everything, chile.
1. Cleanse Your Scalp
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Please, when you get a chance, check out “Treat Your Scalp To A Little Bit Of Detoxing This Weekend.” Between product build-up, sweat, and dead skin cells that are forever dropping, it’s amazing that a lot of us don’t experience more scalp itchiness and irritation than we already do. Not to mention the fact that many of us also don’t nourish our scalp enough, so we mistake dandruff for what is actually a dry scalp (also check out “Stop Scratching: The Differences Between Dandruff And Dry Scalp”).
Thanks to protective styles like box braids and hair twists, all of those parts in our hair tend to expose our scalp to the sun a lot more than usual. Thoroughly cleansing your scalp with a scalp scrub on wash day, carrying a spritz to treat the scalp in between wash times (more on that in a bit), and also adding some plum oil to pamper your scalp (plum oil is everything, y’all — great for soothing the scalp after chemically processing it and restoring dry and brittle ends) will make all of the difference in the world.
2. Use a Clarifying Shampoo
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Speaking of sweat and build-up, although you shouldn’t apply this tip every time that you shampoo your hair, definitely use a clarifying shampoo after taking a protective style down (especially if it’s been up for 6-8 weeks straight). A lot of gunk can collect in your hair when you haven’t been doing much (to your hair) other than getting up and heading out for weeks on end. A clarifying shampoo is specifically designed to remove all of the stuff that isn’t good for your strands long-term. As far as shampoo brands go, Cosmopolitan did you a solid by offering some great suggestions: "23 Best Clarifying Shampoos for Curly Hair (Sulfate *and* Sulfate-Free).”
P.S. If you don’t want to try a clarifying shampoo, at least go with an apple cider rinse; it clarifies and conditions your hair basically at the same time. You can watch YouTube videos on the topic here, here, and here. Again, don’t use it ALL of the time (and definitely dilute it first) — just when you need to get your hair “extra clean.”
3. Apply Hair Products That Contain Sunscreen
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BLACK. PEOPLE. NEED. SUNSCREEN. HAIR. IS. INCLUDED. IN. THAT. Y’all, it can’t be said enough that having more melanin doesn’t mean that UV rays give a damn. In fact, the reason why a lot of us end up with hyperpigmentation and age spots is because we ignored this particular point. Besides, let’s not act like our scalp isn’t also made up of skin, so…there’s that. Also, even though the hair that hasn’t grown out of our head doesn’t have any living cells in it (which is why it doesn’t hurt whenever we cut it or use heat styling tools), UV rays do have the ability to damage your hair follicles, if you’re not careful. That’s why you should definitely be intentional about using hair products that have some sort of sunscreen in them around this time of the year. You can check out a list of some here, here, and here.
4. Wear “Light” Braiding/Twisting Hair
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Not all braiding and twisting hair are the same. Some brands are itchy as hell (YouTuber Seun Okimi has a bomb video on the backstory on that), while others are too heavy — and that can be annoying if you plan on doing some more swimming before the summer season is up. So, definitely ask your braider to go with a lightweight kind of hair. If s/he doesn’t know what that means, that’s your first sign to go with someone else. And what if you plan on going the DIY route? Another Black beauty influencer who goes by the name EBONYJAY has a video entitled, “What is the best braiding hair to use? Tips for new braiders” that has some gems for ya.
5. Give Your Edge Control a Bit of a Break
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Once upon a time, someone (a Black woman) asked me in an interview about why I personally thought that we were so obsessed with baby hair: “Sometimes I wonder if it’s still a low-key obsession with wanting to come off like it’s a form of having what society deems as being ‘good hair’” was my response. Because while I do like realistic-looking baby hair as much as the next fly chick, at the same time, I do think that doing anything in excess, to where it can damage your edges and/or your nape, should be rethought — and when you’re using edge control that has a lot of alcohol in it (read those labels, y’all), that is exactly what is happening.
6. Add Color Via Extensions Only
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Here’s the deal: the tighter your curls are, the more challenging it’s gonna be for the natural oils that come from your scalp to coat all of your hair strands. In a nutshell, that’s why our hair tends to be so much drier than other ethnicities. And that’s why, whenever we choose to color-treat our hair (especially with the box brand stuff), it can wreak total havoc on our tresses as far as hair health goes.
Listen, I know this is the time of year when going big and bold is tempting; just try and go with colored hair extensions or, at the very least, demipermanent or semipermanent hair color options. Or hell, even color wax. No, they don’t last as long, yet they also don’t do the kind of drying-out damage that permanent color does; they’re specifically designed not to.
7. Go No More than Three Weeks Tops for Styles Without Extensions
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Halo braids (this hack here is dope). Bantu knots. Cornrows. Space buns. Flat twists. All of these are protective style looks that many of us can do with or without the help of extensions. And while they all are super cute/low manipulation styles, try not to get too comfortable in them by letting them sit in your hair for weeks at a time. It’s pretty standard for hairstylists to recommend that naturalistas wash their hair once a week or once every two weeks at the most; otherwise, build-up can occur. Plus, when you’ve got a protective style, going over three weeks could lead to hair matting when you’ve got scalp and hair sweat to contend with.
8. Wrap It Up Sometimes
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No one can rock a head/hair wrap quite like we can, and we all know it. So, on the days when you don’t feel like spending a lot of time on your hair or you’ve got an old wash ‘n go that you don’t have time to refresh, pull out a scarf (or pre-tied turban; Etsy sells quite a bit of those; just go to the site and put “pre-tied turban” in the search field) and wrap your hair up. Not only will you look beautiful, but a scarf or turban will also give your hair a break from the sun beating down on it and ultimately drying it out in the process.
9. Keep a DIY Spritz Handy
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Something that our hair always needs is moisture — especially in the hot summer sun. A spritz that I’ve come to be a big fan of is De La Cruz’s Lavender Water Body Mist. Because it has some glycerin in it, it acts as a humectant (something that naturally pulls moisture from the air), even on my hair. This is great when I have a protective style like braids or twists because it hydrates my scalp and adds moisture to my hair, even when it’s “tied up”; that way, I don’t have to work overtime while deep conditioning my locks (after taking out my protective style) due to how dry my strands are.
If you’d prefer to make your own hair spritz, that’s pretty easy to do as well. Some easy-to-make recipes are located here, here, and here.
10. Try a Lil' Bit of Swim Spray
Something that will definitely strip away some of the natural oils in your hair is chlorine. And since we’ve already touched on the fact that a lot of us have hair that is already dry, you don’t want to help chlorine out in any way. That’s why it can never hurt to have some of AquaGuard’s products (here) in your hair arsenal. They have a pre-swim product that is specifically designed to keep harsh chemicals from damaging your locks. And you know what they say — an ounce of prevention is always better than a pound of cure.
11. Moisturize and Oil Your Ends
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Depending on who you talk to, different people are gonna have different feelings about whether or not applying oil to Black hair is needed. Personally, I’m all about it because, so long as YouTube channels like the one by EfikZara exist (check out “Looking For Hair Growth? It Might Be Time To Bring 'Blue Magic' Back”), I’m sold! The key is to use oil to lock in a hydrating conditioner that has been applied with the help of some water.
So, when it comes to making sure that the oldest parts of your hair remain in good condition (so that you’re able to retain length), a couple of times a week, dampen your ends, apply a leave-in conditioner and then apply a carrier oil like grapeseed (it has lots of vitamin E), jojoba (it contains properties that repair heat damage) or avocado (it is a natural sunscreen) to them. Doing this will strengthen your ends over time and help to prevent split ends and breakage.
12. Enjoy Lemonade and French Braids
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If you’re curious about what the biggest braid trends are for 2023, you can’t go wrong with lemonade braids — you know, the look that is braided in such a way to where your hair swoops over to one side. As someone who oftentimes will get some medium-sized box braids at some point during the summer season, I’ll tell you, off top, that one of the best things about lemonade braids is they will definitely reduce your time in a braider’s chair (which automatically makes them a win!). Matter of fact, if you’re daring (and patient) enough (and you already know how to braid), you can probably even install them yourself (check and see by watching this video, this video, and this video).
Or you can put a part down the middle and do a couple of French braids, which is one of my favorite go-to's. A look that I like a lot is having two braids going back on the sides with a big braid in the middle. I start the middle braid back far enough to where I can create a bit of a poof in the front so that it stands taller. It takes like 30 minutes to do (after creating the three parts) and can look casual or sophisticated, depending on what I decide to wear. Easy peasy, chile.
13. Don’t Keep “Extension Styles” in for More than Six Weeks Tops
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Listen, when I get my box braids, I’m in the chair for about six hours, paying around $200. Although the end results are always worth it, the process of taking those bad boys out alone is enough to make me want to keep them in for as long as possible. And while I’ve seen hair hacks featuring women who “double knot” their braids at the root — I’ll pass. I don’t want to run the risk of making it so difficult to take my braids down at some point that I damage my locks in the process. Besides, after six weeks (eight tops), the weight of the braids (or twists) can put a real strain on your edges, nape, and hair follicles overall. So yeah, a couple of months should be the absolute max. Also, give your hair a 2-3 week (or so) break before adding more extensions. Anything in excess can be counterproductive. Always remember that.
14. Trim Those Ends
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Although I’m not personally a believer that you need to trim your hair, without fail, every 4-6 weeks, what I do think is, around that time, you should (re)evaluate your ends to see if they are in good condition. For instance, I was revisiting what different kinds of split ends look like, and while I rarely end up with the “traditional ones” that split from the bottom, sometimes I do end up with fairy knots or the feather or incomplete split whenever I am too rough on my tresses (you can learn about the various ones here). However, instead of cutting off a couple of inches, I’ll switch up my styling routine or do a bit of dusting (only cutting the strands that appear to be in real trouble).
15. Sleep with a Humidifier
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I’m forever gonna recommend that people have a humidifier in their bedroom. For health reasons, check out “10 Really Good Reasons To Get Yourself A Humidifier This Fall.” As far as your hair goes, the 6-8 hours when you’re asleep, your strands still need moisture.
Having a humidifier can get them the hydration that they need. Not to mention the fact that if you’re someone who can’t seem to keep your scarf (or bonnet) on your head or your satin pillow on your bed as you’re tossing and turning throughout the night, a humidifier can help to keep your hair from drying out. Plus, if your hair is in a protected style that has extensions, it can keep those from drying your hair out as well.
So, if you don’t already own a humidifier, there’s no time like the present to invest in one. Your health will thank you. Your hair will too! Enjoy the rest of the summer, y’all.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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And that is why I decided to put emphasis on the word “late” for today’s topic. Because if you and someone break up and they approach you, well after the fact, with an “I’m sorry,” if you struggle with whether or not to accept it due to the timing of it all, you should definitely ponder that a bit.
And as you’re doing so, it might help to read a bit deeper into what an apology should look and live like, even from an ex, regardless of when it shows up.
Your “late.” Or his right on time.
Three Things That a True Apology Consists Of
GiphyIt’s kind of wild that when you work as a therapist/counselor/coach, a lot of people never really see you as human — and this can include your close relationships. What I mean by that is, it’s almost like they expect you to be free on-call therapy to the point where they “forget” to actually check on you sometimes.
Such is the case with one of my longest-running friendships. Even during the weeks between losing my mother and losing $4K (SMDH), she would just keep calling me to vent about her marriage. I finally got so fed up that I brought it to her attention that for the past couple of years, that is exactly what our friendship has been like: her venting, me listening without her being very invested in my life at all. In response, she texted me an apology — and boy, was it beautiful.
I’m not going to share the details of what she said; however, I am going to tell you three things that it consisted of because it’s what I believe ALL APOLOGIES should entail.
1. She took full ownership for what she believed that she did. I framed this point in this way because, something that everyone needs to forever keep in mind is the fact that two people start and, to a large extent, end relationships — and what I mean by that is, it’s never like one person was perfect and the other was the villain. That said, though, when someone is making an apology to another individual, they are going to own their part and articulate what that part is. It’s not gonna be a simple “My bad.”
It’s going to be “I am really sorry that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me” or “I apologize for taking you for granted” — something that sounds like they get the “offense” that transpired. By doing this, they recognize their missteps — and that is what puts people on the road to not repeating them.
2. She did not deflect or gaslight me. You know what one of the worst apologies are: It’s when someone says they are sorry and then follows it up with, “But you do it too” or “If you hadn’t done ‘A’, I wouldn’t have done ‘B.'” Justifying your actions is a surefire way to make someone believe that you don’t really think that you did something wrong (or that bad) in the first place. And really, how can they trust you (again) if that is how you feel? Oh, and don’t get me on gaslighting.
Ugh, ain’t nothing like someone claiming that they want to set things right with you, only to act like they don’t really get where you are coming from with the issues y’all were having in the first place. A good gaslight line in an apology: “If that is what you think happened, I apologize.” Yeah, you can keep that, jack. Never accept this kind of apology — because it isn’t one.
3. She addressed why she needed to make the apology in the first place. Wanna know one of the main reasons why I don’t trust people who don’t believe in having regrets (check out “Why Regret Might Not Always Be A Bad Thing”)? Did you know that apology means “a written or spoken expression of one's regret, remorse, or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged another.” How, as a human, do you think that you are out here not making any mistakes or poor decisions that you sometimes need to APOLOGIZE for? That is just…insane.
And one of the reasons why apologies are important is because if you feel bad about “failing” someone, it’s usually because you value them enough to want to keep them around. And yes, in my friend’s apology, she also explained why she didn’t want me to feel hurt in the way that she had hurt my feelings and what she would do to prevent that from happening in the first place.
So y’all, with all of this out of the way, before getting deeper into this topic? If an ex is hitting you up to apologize to you for something, please make sure that he hits all three marks of a true apology.
Now let’s keep going.
A Genuine Apology Should Also Include an Amends
GiphyA few years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Heads Up: It's NOT An Apology If An Amends Isn't Made.” You know how I mentioned a second ago that a solid apology has no gaslighting in it? Hmph. Ain’t it wild how someone can do something that hurts or harms you and yet, they want you to just “hurry up and get over it”? GASLIGHTING.
Someone in my family, after unpacking years of abuse that I experienced at their hand, they had the nerve to say, “I’m not going to keep apologizing to you for this.” Hmm…Okay. So, how about you let me give you a consistent three months’ worth of the years of mistreatment that I experienced from you and then flippantly throw an apology your way. Let’s see how you feel about it. How much you believe that I am being genuine and sincere.
Listen — and please hear me GOOD on this: when someone really gets the magnitude of the pain or discomfort and inconvenience that they caused, they aren’t going to be fine with just saying that they are sorry for it; they are going to ask you what they can do to set things right.
It’s actually a part of the reason why I named the four children who I aborted (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”) because I do have some real remorse for those decisions. Each of their names have an intentional meaning and I strive to leave out their purpose, through those names, on a daily basis. It’s a small way of making amends.
You know, back when my first book came out, my first love reached out, via email, to send me an apology. The apology hit most of the points that I mentioned earlier. Looking back, there wasn’t an offer to make an amends, though, and trust me, there was A LOT to make up for.
At the end of the day, amends means “reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense” and while none of us should use bitterness, resentment or emotional stagnation as the “bar” for which we should expect amends to be made, if you’re trying to figure out just how sincere an ex is with their apology, if they want to do something to make things better, that’s a good sign.
There is a caveat, though.
Discern the Motives. Always.
GiphyEarlier this summer, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “What's Your Motive For Sex? (It Reveals A Lot. Trust Me.)” Then, a few weeks ago, I wrote another article entitled, “As Cuffing Season Steadily Approaches, What The Heck Is 'Winter Coating'?” and boy, when I tell you that both of these complement this point really well? Goodness.
If you’ve never heard of the dating trend known as winter coating before, it’s basically when an ex creeps back up around cuffing season — and if you know what cuffing season is all about, you can absolutely connect the very probable motives behind those dots.
Now can there be exceptions? There are ALWAYS exceptions. Still, if you haven’t heard from your ex in years and here he comes a couple of weeks before Christmas, unless the two of you got together or broke up around the holidays, stay on potential “winter coating alert,” because it might not be about “building bridges” so much as getting into your bedroom.
That said, if it’s been a minute (six months or more) since you’ve heard from an ex and he suddenly reaches out to apologize, absolutely take out a moment to discern the motive — and shoot, feel fine with even asking what is causing him to make the move…now. If it’s in the spirit of the holidays and wanting to go into a new year with a clean slate, got it. If it’s because he’s been in therapy and realizes that he didn’t end certain things in his past very well, understood. If it’s because he didn’t like how the two of you broke up and he wants to try and make peace, that’s fair.
On the other hand, if you sense that he wants to rekindle something (check out “Nelly And Ashanti Are Giving It Another Shot? Here's What You Should Know About 'Ex Reconciliation'” and “I'm Thrilled That Ryan Destiny & Keith Powers Are Back Together. 5 Things Before Reuniting With Your Ex, Tho.” and “What Happens When 'The One Who Got Away'...Comes Back?”) — although that’s kind of another article for another time, do check that motive.
When someone apologizes, you should really be the only focus for them; not what they can get out of it on the back end. Listen, even if he hopes to get back with you (or back in bed with you), that shouldn’t be something that is discussed during the apology. If it is said or even implied, something about HIS MOTIVE is disingenuous. And if that is indeed the case, to a valid extent, so is he.
We All Should Give the Grace and Mercy That We Desire
GiphySooner than later, I’m going to write an article about forgiveness (beyond what I already have here). For now I’ll just say that if you are someone who thinks that other people don’t deserve forgiveness? That is either your pain or your ego talking and, either way, you can’t trust “their” judgment.
All of us mess up sometimes and if you are a karma (or you reap what you sow) believer, then you absolutely should want to extend others grace and mercy so that you can receive it in your own time of need (and you are absolutely delusional if you think a time won’t come, sooner than you probably think, that you will need it).
Besides, do you know all of the self-inflicted drama and trauma that comes from NOT forgiving others: higher blood pressure, insomnia, stress, anxiety, the higher risk of a heart attack, a weakened immunity, a greater risk for depression and anxiety — whatever he did, is it really worth all of this? Yeah, while a lot of people think that weaponizing forgiveness is empowering, really all it’s doing is putting themselves in harm’s way. Physically. Emotionally. SPIRITUALLY: “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." (Matthew 6:14-15 — NKJV)
By the way, no one is saying that forgiving that man means that you have to allow him back into your life. After all, access is a privilege. Yet if he comes to you and acknowledges that he feels sorry for some things, for the sake of your own sanity, why not let him express it? Don’t wanna meet up or talk on the phone? Understood. Email and/or text are there for the taking. Don’t want to go back and forth? Who said that it needs to be a discussion or a debate?
All I know is, the more time you spend on this planet, the more you want to put out the energy that you want to come back. Forgiving others tends to make life easier. Not forgiving? Oh, the way that it boomerangs, sometimes in ways you never saw coming, chile. Dodge that kind of experience (and typically hard life lesson) if you can.
Yes, Better Late than Never
GiphyToo late to apologize. Yeah, I don’t really know if there is such a thing (because forgiving and reconciling are not one in the same and some of y’all will catch that later). I’ll wrap this up with a story to prove my point.
Once upon a time, I knew a woman who was in a serious relationship and yet, whenever her boyfriend would bring up the possibility of marriage, she would stall him out. When I finally asked her what her deal was, she explained that she still harbored so much pain from the man before him that she didn’t fully trust that he was the real deal. About five months later, here came her ex with a thorough explanation for why he made some of the decisions that he did while they were together. Now that she had the full story, she was able to heal. She got married to her boyfriend that following year.
You see where I am going with this? Although your ex’s apology might be “late” as far as y’all’s relationship timeline, the timing may be BRILLIANT when it comes to true when and why you actually need it. Yeah, a Scripture that I adore is “Timing is the Father’s business” (Acts 1:7 — Message) and sometimes those apologies, in the grand scheme of things, are more on time than you could ever imagine; they’re when God deems you need them not when you want to have them.
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It is Oprah Winfrey who once said, “True forgiveness is when you can say, "Thank you for that experience” and sis, if you remove the bitterness and anger and look deeper, there were valuable lessons, even in and from the most challenging relationships. And that is worth appreciating through forgiveness and, if need be, full and complete release.
Bottom line, should you accept an ex’s late apology? Absolutely.
What better way to illuminate your present on a whole ‘nother level.
Just as forgiveness always does.
TRUST ME.
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