Travel can hold a plethora of purposes, such as business, relaxation, and celebration, so when I booked a solo trip to Antigua earlier this year, I never imagined that my attempt to escape the NYC cold would end up being a journey of healing and finding myself again.
As someone who visited seven countries and 11 cities last year, travel has always been such an important aspect of who I am. And while I enjoy weekend trips with my girls or being laid up on a baecation, solo trips are more my speed. After taking my first solo trip seven years ago, I’ve realized how freeing it can be to explore a new city or country on my own and how much more I learn about myself during these adventures.
I didn’t grow up with a lot of money or the ability to travel the world, so as an adult, I enjoy the freedom and resources to just book a flight and go. I never thought this would be something that would change or I’d have to sacrifice until I did.
A Break From Solo Travel
If you told me a couple of years ago that I would go two whole years without a real solo trip, I would've laughed. Solo travel was a form of self-care, a way that I could reset and rejuvenate. It was the one thing I felt I had control over, the one thing I had to myself. But then I started dating and became serious with someone who expressed discomfort with the idea of me taking solo trips. I remember a few months into dating, I was headed to Aruba on a much-needed solo trip, and he expressed how uncomfortable he was with this.
A part of it seemed to stem from genuine concern, which most of us solo travelers are used to. But I assured him that I was probably less safe living in the Bronx every day than I was going to Aruba. The other side of it seemed to be from a space of thinking that if I was with someone, I should be traveling with my partner and shouldn't need to take solo trips. At first, I was annoyed and offended. Anyone who is dating me, THEE Queen of Travel, will have to be okay with my travel adventures. I thought it was unreasonable and that he just did not get it.
But as our relationship became more serious and more in-depth conversations arose related to his feelings about this, I realized I would have to make a sacrifice for the relationship.
His comments about how the girlfriends of his boys never traveled alone and only traveled with their men made me question if maybe I did need to reconsider this aspect of my life as I entered a relationship. Was I being selfish and not understanding his feelings? Should I be less focused on solo trips and more focused on building our future and making memories together?
I compromised my love for spontaneous solo trips for the comfort of my partner and for the promise that those solo trips would be replaced by baecations, which I was all for. I wasn't happy about it, but I made the decision that I thought would work.
But not all instances of sacrifice have happy endings.
Reclaiming My Time
Fast forward two years, and 0 solo trips later, my relationship is ending. There's no sob story or terrible incident, I just truly realized that I was no longer fully happy, and this was not the relationship that I could see myself in 5-10 years down the line. While traveling was not the reason for the split, it definitely played some part in my decision. Throughout our time together, I skipped solo trips altogether and filled my time with girls' trips, two baecations, and visiting friends in other cities.
I thought that my time would be filled with more couple trips and vacations together that would keep me too busy to think about solo travel, but that wasn't the reality. And then there were always little comments about how much I traveled, especially if it wasn't with him, which left me feeling defensive or guilty just for taking a girls' trip with my best friends.
In the grand scheme of things, I need a partner who is 100% comfortable and secure with me traveling with friends or alone, even if I choose not to.
So here I am, single again. But I knew exactly what I needed. I had a week off of work in February and would need to leave cold NYC behind, so I did what I do best and booked a flight to Antigua, a destination I have been eyeing forever. I was excited to finally be alone with myself, on a beautiful island, with a mojito in hand and nothing to worry about.
I opted for The Royalton Antigua, an all-inclusive, as opposed to my usual Airbnb, because I truly wanted to unwind and not have to do much thinking and planning. This would give me the freedom to really enjoy my vacation on my own schedule and timing and have everything I needed at my fingertips.
I literally had butterflies while booking my accommodations. That is how much I needed this.
Courtesy of Robin D. Thomas
My Reawakening
From the moment I stepped off the plane, I felt a sense of comfort that I had not felt in so long. Every single day that I spent at that resort, soaking up the sun, and all that Antigua has to offer, I began to feel lighter. Antigua is such a beautiful island and the people were so friendly and welcoming, so I immediately felt at peace.
Though my breakup was my choice and the right choice, I was still carrying around some sadness and heartache. But as the days went by, I spent time sitting on my balcony, journaling and reflecting on my life over the last two years, as well as what I would like it to look like in the next two.
I allowed myself to cry, to breathe, to forgive myself, and to heal. I woke up when I felt like it, ate when and where I wanted, and allowed myself the comfort of just being free.
I knew that I needed this trip, but the type of spiritual and emotional relief that I experienced was unexpected.
Courtesy of Robin D. Thomas
I realized that giving up solo trips seemed like a small thing to me at that time, but in reality, I was giving up a part of my independence and a part of my own needs. And in the two years I spent without solo trips, nothing else was put into my life to replace that feeling. And so a part of me, the fun and carefree girl, disappeared along with it. During my trip, I spent time on the beach just enjoying the scenery and my solitude.
I did morning workouts on vacation, which is not my thing, but getting a sweat in while overlooking the ocean hits different than any gym. At the pool bars, the staff at the Royalton treated me so kindly and always made sure ya girl always had everything she needed. One thing about being beautiful on vacation, you will be taken care of. I even ventured off the resort to see more of the island and immerse myself in Antiguan culture.
And in the midst of this solo trip, I made friends with three Black women who were celebrating a birthday, and I ended up hanging out with them and partying into the night. It made me realize all the reasons that I love solo travel. The ability to be at peace and enjoy reflective time with myself, but also the ability to make friends and have a damn good time. Not to mention, while partying, I met a fine, tall, handsome man from the U.S. who was also vacationing, but that’s a story for another time...
The point here is that by the time I was headed to the airport five days later, I felt so overwhelmed with emotion. Not because I was sad, or even happy for that matter, but because for the first time in a long time, I felt like me.
Courtesy of Robin D. Thomas
Looking Forward
There's a quote that I've always loved that says, "Travel not to find yourself, but to remember who you've been all along." There are so many reasons why I feel that travel is not only an important part of life but a necessary one, and discovering more about who you are as a person is one of those reasons.
I didn't "find" myself on that trip, I already knew who I was. Rather, I awakened a part of me that I had allowed to be dormant for far too long.
Antigua reminded me of how much I love stepping off the plane in a new place and knowing that when I step foot back into the airport again to go home, I won't be the same person I was in that moment. I don't have any regrets about the decision I made, but I know that going forward, I'll be more intentional about compromising parts of me that I love so much.
I hope this inspires someone to reawaken that side of you that you've pushed to the back burner and let fizzle because that version of you cannot wait to shine again.
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Featured image courtesy of Robin D. Thomas
RELATED
Yet, in many relationships, we instinctively look to men to set the pace. They define the relationship and they decide when to move things forward, from exclusivity to proposals and beyond. But just because we decide to take the "follower" role to them as leaders and operate in the feminine mode of receiving instead of chasing doesn't mean we have to wait in vain.
Vetting the men in our lives is just as important as recognizing their ability to lead in relationships. And if being commitment-minded is a top priority for you, here are some signs to look for in a man who is ready for a commitment.
1.He Talks About Commitment
Abc Love GIF by The BacheloretteGiphyUndeniably the biggest sign that a man is ready for commitment is that he talks about commitment. But here's the kicker, that commitment talk is grounded in action, not just words. "I want something serious" is followed by consistent movement towards you that doesn't wax or wane due to time passing or a busy schedule.
Some men might start off strong but fade off into inconsistent effort. Others might be love-bombers making grandiose statements early on with no true intention of building something real aside from playing the game. Whether it's planning a trip together, deeper conversations about life, or long-term plans, a commitment-ready man talks about these topics naturally and without force and backs it up by following through.
And that's the sign of a man who is committed. He shows you who he is by aligning his words with steady, consistent actions over time.
2.He Integrates You Into His Life With Ease
A man who is ready for commitment prioritizes integrating you into his life. From making long-term plans to introducing you to his circle to considering you when making decisions, you're not treated like an after-thought, or like someone he only makes time for when it's convenient. He treats you like a priority, not an option.
He doesn't keep you at arm's length, he actively brings you into his world and he follows through with real integration into his daily life. The commitment-ready man includes you and doesn't just sell you a dream of what could be; he shows you through consistent action the reality of what will be.
3.He Shares His Inner World
GiphyVulnerability is a verb and a man ready for a commitment is well aware of that fact. Just as he brings you into his outer world, he lets you into his inner world, sharing things like his dreams, fears, past experiences, etc. He isn't afraid of his vulnerability and isn't afraid to trust you with his emotions. A commitment-ready man is an emotionally available one, so he can also create emotional space for you that is secure enough to support you in bringing up concerns, having tough conversations, and requiring emotional security.
A commitment-ready man also doesn't save his vulnerability for moments of crisis or in a way that's transactional like to guilt-trip you or stop you from walking away. Instead, the groundwork for true emotional intimacy to thrive in your connection is an effort you're both making, even in everyday conversation.
4.He Resolves Conflict In Healthy Ways
All relationships have ebbs and flows, and another truth that people would rather not admit about relationships is conflict is a necessary part of them. I've heard couples who wear their admission about never fighting as a badge of honor. And while I believe what works for you works for you, I also believe in this quote: "A relationship’s strength is measured by how it weathers the storms, not just the sunny days."
Weathering the storm sometimes means there will be conflict, making healthy conflict resolution a necessity in relationships. A man who is ready for commitment knows this. So instead of stonewalling, withdrawing, or treating you like you're crazy for bringing up a concern, he is going to actively work with you to resolve issues together.
A committed man doesn't allow challenges to push him away from you, he leans in. He listens, he genuinely wants to understand your point of view on things, he acknowledges, and he takes accountability when needed.
5.He Is Comfortable Defining Things
If you've ever been stuck in limbo, you know it's not the place to be. Unsettled, unsure of where things are going, second-guessing his intentions for you, and therefore also second-guessing the connection. Whether it's hesitancy or avoidance or keeping things in a perpetual gray area of "going with the flow," a man does those things not because he is unsure, but because he isn't where you are. Otherwise, there'd be no limbo.
A man who is ready for commitment doesn't leave room for your question. His desires are clearly stated, as are his movement towards you and defining the relationship overall. He’s clear about what he wants, he doesn’t shy away from conversations about the future, and he doesn’t waver. Most importantly, he follows through on that clarity because commitment isn't something to avoid, it's something to build.
6.His Love for You Is Proactive and Not Reactive
Not going to lie, I am someone who loves a good love story where the central conflict is the man waiting until the last minute to go "get the girl" in some grandiose gesture where he finally professes his undying love for her. In real life though, I'm so good on that. However, it doesn't stop it from being how some men operate. Some men will only step up their efforts and energy when they feel you've pulled back your energy or have decided to walk away.
Those men suddenly feel a compulsion to try harder because the threat of losing you inspires their action. So then comes the affection, the presence, hell maybe even the presents to show you how much you mean to them. And that can be all well and good if the inspired action is something that's there to stay, but typically it doesn't lead to any long-term shifts.
A commitment-ready man though? He wouldn't wait until you're withdrawing to show you actions that are steady, intentional, and rooted in a desire to nurture the connection and therefore the relationship. His love isn't performative and it doesn't come from scarcity. He doesn't need a dramatic push to show up for you, he shows up for you consistently because he wants to.
Instead of waiting until the last minute to reassure you what is true to him, he makes you feel secure in all ways always. Speaking of which...
7.His Actions Are Secure
GiphySay it with me, commitment isn't about passion or chemistry, it's about stability. How do you feel when you are around this man? Does he make you feel calm, respected, and emotionally safe? Those are the signs of a man whose actions towards you make you feel consistently secure. Plus, he doesn't just wait to pull out all the stops to show you his intentions for you until you're fed up and ready to leave. And that my dear is a sign that you might be dealing with a man ready for commitment.
Unlike emotionally unsafe individuals, love-bombers, or users, the connection isn't riddled with high highs and low lows, shrouded in confusion, or an emotional rollercoaster where a willingness to overly accommodate or great sex blinds you to the glaring incompatibilities. If you're left wondering where you stand or if the slightest bump in the road means he'll pull away, that's a red flag. The man who is ready for you provides security in a variety of ways and does so consistently.
When it comes to matters of the heart, we are all works in progress striving to put that work into practice.
Even so, none of us ever really "arrive" at some perfect place where we have it all together and have it all figured out. We are all learning, growing, unlearning behaviors, and healing wounds through our relationships with other people. The signs above aren't an exhaustive list or a list meant to aid you in seeking perfection in another person. Instead, these signs are more about recognizing indicators of maturity, emotional health, and true readiness in a relationship while navigating the dating scene.
The true key is not to search for perfection in a potential partner but instead to look for consistency. A man who is ready for you might not always get it right, but he will always try. Most importantly, he is the kind of man who makes you feel secure through those efforts. Happy vetting, ladies!
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