

You don't have to really know me personally to know that the Bible is basically my favorite book. When people who aren't Bible followers (or even advocates) ask me why, while I could get into deep theological, historical and philosophical reasons, I tend to say, "Listen, even if we ultimately find out that none of what's in the Good Book actually transpired, there are stories, lessons and warnings in it that can, irrefutably, help you to live your best life." I can't tell you how many times I have been in some real doozies and turning to the Word turned out to be the only thing that ended up shedding light (Psalm 109:105) on my situation. It's happened so much at this point, that that alone will always keep me as a fan. Big time.
And so today, I just wanted to share some of the verses in Scripture that have caused me to grow as a person and have also helped me to receive just how I believe that the Most High (Psalm 47:2) sees me. While I suspect that these may resonate with you in different ways—and for different reasons—than it has for me personally, I'd be floored if they don't leave you having a couple of your own light bulb moments of clarity and, prayerfully, some inner peace too.
1. “When I passed by you again and looked upon you, indeed your time was the time of love; so I spread My wing over you and covered your nakedness. Yes, I swore an oath to you and entered into a covenant with you, and you became Mine,’ says the Lord God.”—Ezekiel 16:8-9(NKJV)
Back when I was going to church, not just once a week but twice (on Sabbath and Sunday), I remember walking into my "Sunday church" and a church leader questioning me about my nose ring and how "worldly" it was. I quickly referred him to Ezekiel 16 because verses 11-12 say, "I adorned you with ornaments, put bracelets on your wrists, and a chain on your neck. And I put a jewel in your nose, earrings in your ears, and a beautiful crown on your head." The Bible is an eastern culture book and it was/is quite common for brides to have rings in their nose. The Bible speaks of the Church being Christ's bride (Ephesians 5). Sooo…how worldly am I being, sir, when God himself referenced rings in noses? Knowledge is power, y'all.
To be thorough, this chapter in Scripture is God speaking to Jerusalem, but I've always connected with it because my name means "Mine; Belonging to Me" in Hebrew. Anyway, I'm leading with this because it's a reminder that God sees us, in all of our states. Not only that, but He loves us in every condition that we are in too. This doesn't mean that He sees us in our brokenness and expects us to remain there, but He is always paying very close attention to where we are in life and desiring to make a covenant with us.
I also adore these verses because they are a reminder that, unlike a lot of humans, God is not looking to "put us on blast". Proverbs 10:12(NKJV) states, "Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all sins" and I John 4:8&16 references the fact that God is love. No matter what, God continually seeks to shield and protect us more than anything (if it gets to the "on blast" portion of the program, sometimes it's because we wouldn't learn any other way). Love always does.
2. “From the place of His dwelling He looks on all the inhabitants of the earth; He fashions their hearts individually; He considers all their works.”—Psalm 33:14-15(NKJV)
Hmm. I wonder what social media would look like if people really believed what Matthew 12:36(NLT) warns us about—"And I tell you this, you must give an account on judgment day for every idle word you speak." While folks are out here so flippantly saying that "only God can judge me", every idle word is a sobering thought. So yeah, it's important to remember that God takes us far more seriously than a lot of us choose to believe that He does. But the reason why I find this Scripture to be oh so very relevant to this topic is because of the "He fashions their hearts individually" part. God made each of us to be individuals. An individual is "a distinct, indivisible entity". To be distinct is to be "distinguished as not being the same; not identical; separate" and "different in nature or quality". One definition of the heart is "center of emotions" while another is a "center of our personality". The way I see all of this is that we're not supposed to see or feel the same way about things all of the time (or at the same time). And that is OK.
How you handle heartbreak may be different than I do. How you see religion may not be the same as I. What you think about the future may be on a totally different page from me. That doesn't make you right or me wrong because we were fashioned—made and formed—to not be the same. And that was all God's doing. Rather than tell someone else how they should think or feel, instead, we should strive to learn from each other by embracing our differences. Pretty sure God designed our "individuality" for that very purpose and reason. By design.
3. “All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it’s not only around us; it’s within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We’re also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don’t see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy. Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along.”—Romans 8:22-26(Message)
Something that we as women have is a womb. In the physical sense, that's a uterus. In a broader sense, that is "the place in which anything is formed or produced". Do you get how amazing—no, supernatural—it is that we are made to form and produce, not just other human beings but other things, in general?
Right now, because you are a woman, you are pregnant with something. An idea. A goal. A dream. Here's the thing about that, though. Pregnancies aren't always comfortable. There are good and bad days. There are times when you feel things happening and moments when it feels like absolutely nothing is going on. Sometimes you ache. Sometimes, you're in downright pain. Sometimes those pains are labor pains. But because you are a woman, because there is something inside of you that is growing, goodness will come forth. You just need to wait.
Waiting is a part of the process. But the wonderful thing about this particular Scripture is it reminds us that waiting isn't for naught. Sometimes waiting is about remaining available. Sometimes waiting is trusting that delays have a purpose behind them. Or, as one of my favorite definitions of "wait" states, sometimes it's all about "remaining inactive or in a state of repose, as until something expected happens". If deep down in your spirit, you know that this is a waiting season for you, and you honestly hate every single moment of it, remember that you're built for this. You're a woman, you're "pregnant" and, as this Scripture tells us, the waiting only makes us happier in the long run!
4. “He grants the barren woman a home, like a joyful mother of children. Praise the Lord!”—Psalm 113:9(NKJV)
On the heels of Romans 8, "barren" is a loaded word. While the main definition is to be incapable of producing offspring, it also means to be unproductive and without the ability to attract things…or people. "Home" is a loaded word too. It's not just about having a place to live; a home is also "the place in which one's domestic affections are centered". Whether it's a child that you long for, whether you feel like you are spinning in circles and getting nowhere in life, or whether you feel like everyone else is attracting what they desire while you are out here left in the cold, you've got to remember that Titus 1:2 tells us that God cannot lie. Although he doesn't work on our time schedule, Matthew 6:8 does assure us that God knows what we need, even before we ask Him. In due time (Galatians 6:7-7), in the way that He thinks is best, God will grant you your very own home. He will provide a space for your longings to be loved, welcomed and received. Hang in there, sis.
5. “Let not yours be the [merely] external adorning with [elaborate] interweaving and knotting of the hair, the wearing of jewelry, or changes of clothes; but let it be the inward adorning and beauty of the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible and unfading charm of a gentle and peaceful spirit, which [is not anxious or wrought up, but] is very precious in the sight of God.”—I Peter 3:3-4(AMPC)
Femininity is a beautiful thing; it really is. What I really appreciate about this Scripture is it reminds me that 1) God has no problem with us dolling ourselves up (hence the word "merely" in the beginning). He gets that there is something within the DNA of a woman that likes elaborate hairstyles, jewelry and even clothes. But what moves Him is a gentle and peaceful spirit—a woman who is kind, calm and at peace within herself. To God, that is what it means to be truly beautiful; that is the type of woman who is very precious in His eyes.
There's another Scripture in the Bible that says, "If you were of the world, the world would love its own. Yet because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you." (John 15:19—NKJV) One way to look at this is that the world tends to be very contrary to Scripture. So, since the Bible celebrates femininity, a lot of people will "push back" on you wanting to be feminine is all of the ways that the Bible defines it to be. Don't worry about that. Rock those over the top hairstyles. Bling out. Enjoy your closet of clothes. Also—stay compassionate, tranquil and unbothered. God sees it. And he loves everything about it.
6. “Do not give that which is holy (the sacred thing) to the dogs, and do not throw your pearls before hogs, lest they trample upon them with their feet and turn and tear you in pieces.”—Matthew 7:6(AMPC)
Back when my first book came out, I used to autograph copies with this very verse. Personally, I think it should be a mantra for all women who want to elevate in their self-esteem.
Our bodies are temples; the Good Book says so (I Corinthians 6:19) and, as this translation of the Bible states, that means that our bodies are sacred. So yes, we should see ourselves as precious pearls—something that has been through a lot, survived and has become a brilliant gem as a direct result. Because of that, we shouldn't give ourselves to dogs or throw ourselves to hogs who don't understand a pearl's value.
Now here's the thing about this particular verse. I am not big on calling men "dogs" or women "bitches" (female dogs, by definition). I am made in the image of God and so are men (Genesis 1:26-28), so…I find that to be mad disrespectful, both to myself, to men and to my Creator. But I do find it to be interesting that an idiom for dog is "dog it" which means "to shirk one's responsibility". "Do not put your gem in a situation with someone who will treat you irresponsibly" is one way to look at this Scripture. Oh, and the New King James Version of Matthew 7:6 uses the word "swine" instead of hog. One definition of swine is "a coarse, gross, or brutishly sensual person" and another is "a contemptible person". These kinds of people do not understand value if it hit them in the face. Stay away from them. God wants you to.
7. “Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don’t be impressed with yourself. Don’t compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life.”—Galatians 6:4-5(Message)
If you check out Genesis 1-2, something you might notice is the first way that we are introduced to God is as Him being our Creator. Really, how dope is that? God is many things, there's no questioning that. In fact, in the Hebrew language (remember, Christ was a Jew; the king of them, in fact and Jews speak Hebrew—Matthew 27:11), He has many titles (you can check out some of them here). Since we are made in the Creator's image, and since creators do things like cause unique things to come into being, manifested works of art from their imagination, and live constructively (which means they improve the quality of life on a daily basis)—this is what is expected of us. I really dig this fact. We are to be intentional about knowing who we are, what our purpose in this life is, to remain humble and focused and to be just as creative as we possibly can. What this all boils down to is it is biblical, holy and right to be creative. So, when an idea comes into your mind that you try and talk yourself out of because it seems too crazy or impossible, remember that you were made to be creative. It is literally a form of worship to the Master Creator to create.
8. “And blessed (happy, to be envied) is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of the things that were spoken to her from the Lord.”—Luke 1:45(AMPC)
One more. If you'd like the context of this verse, it's something that Elizabeth—Mary, the mother of Christ's cousin—said to Mary during a visit that they had together. What I adore about it is it's a reminder that there are things that God says to all of us that, just by believing that He can be trusted, we are automatically put into a blessed state. Y'all, something that you've got to remember, at all times, is that God speaks things into existence—"Then God said, 'Let there be light'; and there was light." (Genesis 1:3—NKJV) If there is something that you know, that you know, that you absolutely know that He promised you (not something that you decided you wanted and so you demanded it but something He assured you that you can back up with Scripture), please "be anxious for nothing" (Philippians 4:6-7) during your "in the meantime" process.
What God speaks, it does manifest. In the meantime, you are blessed—happy, to be envied—simply for believing that.
Amen? Amen.
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Adrian Marcel On Purpose, Sacrifice, And The 'Signs Of Life'
In this week's episode of xoMAN, host Kiara Walker talked with R&B artist Adrian Marcel, who opened up, full of heart and authenticity, about his personal evolution. He discussed his days transitioning from a young Bay Area singer on the come-up to becoming a grounded husband and father of four.
With honesty and introspection, Marcel reflected on how life, love, and loss have shaped the man he is today.
On ‘Life’s Subtle Signals’
Much of the conversation centered around purpose, sacrifice, and listening to life’s subtle signals. “I think that you really have to pay attention to the signs of life,” Marcel said. “Because as much as we need to make money, we are not necessarily on this Earth for that sole purpose, you know what I mean?” While he acknowledged his ambitions, adding, “that is not me saying at all I’m not trying to ball out,” he emphasized that fulfillment goes deeper.
“We are here to be happy. We are here [to] fulfill a purpose that we are put on here for.”
On Passion vs. Survival
Adrian spoke candidly about the tension between passion and survival, describing how hardship can sometimes point us away from misaligned paths. “If you find it’s constantly hurting you… that’s telling you something. That’s telling you that you’re going outside of your purpose.”
Marcel’s path hasn’t been without detours. A promising athlete in his youth, he recalled, “Early on in my career, I was still doing sports… I was good… I had a scholarship.” An injury changed everything. “My femur broke. Hence why I always say, you know, I’m gonna keep you hip like a femur.” After the injury, he pivoted to explore other careers, including teaching and corporate jobs.
“It just did not get me—even with any success that happened in anything—those times, back then, I was so unhappy. And you know, to a different degree. Like not just like, ‘I really want to be a singer so that’s why I’m unhappy.’ Nah, it was like, it was not fulfilling me in any form or fashion.”
On Connection Between Pursuing Music & Fatherhood
He recalled performing old-school songs at age 12 to impress girls, then his father challenged him: “You can lie to these girls all you want, but you're really just lying to yourself. You ain't growing.” That push led him to the piano—and eventually, to his truth. “Music is my love,” Marcel affirmed. “I wouldn’t be a happy husband if I was here trying to do anything else just to appease her [his wife].”
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
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Sometimes I get asked the same question, often enough, that I’m like, “It’s time to address this on a larger platform,” — and for, whatever the reason, as of late, folks have been asking me what different sex acts mean.
No, not from the perspective of positions or techniques. What they’ve basically wanted to know is if making love, having sex, and f-cking are simply different words to describe the same thing or if there truly is something deeper with each one.
Let me start this off by saying that of course, to a certain extent, the answer is subjective because it’s mostly opinion-rather-than-fact driven. However, I personally think that sex is hella impactful, which is why I hope that my personal breakdown will at least cause you to want to think about what you do, who you do it with, and why, more than you may have in the past.
Because although, at the end of the day, the physical aspects of making love, having sex, and f-cking are very similar, you’d be amazed by how drastically different they are in other ways…at the very same time.
Making Love
Back when I wrote my first book, I wasn’t even 30 at the time and still, one of the things that I said in it is, I pretty much can’t stand the term “make love.” Way back then, I stated that sex between two people who truly love each other and are committed for the long haul, when it comes to what they do in the bedroom, it’s so much more about CELEBRATING love than MAKING it. To make means “to produce” or “to bring into existence;” to celebrate means “to commemorate,” “to perform” or “to have or participate in a party, drinking spree, or uninhibited good time.”
The act of sex, standing alone? It can’t make love happen and honestly, believing otherwise is how a lot of people find themselves getting…got.
What do I mean? Tell me how in the world, you meet a guy, talk to him for a few weeks, don’t even know his middle name or where he was born and yet somehow, you choose to call the first time you have sex with him (under those conditions) “making love.” You don’t love him. You don’t know him well enough to love him. He doesn’t love you either (for the same reason). And yet you’re making love? How sway? Oh, but let that sex be bomb and those oxytocin highs might have you tempted to think that’s what’s happening — and that is emotionally dangerous. And yes, I mean, literally.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times before, that one of the reasons why I like that the Bible defines sex between a husband and his wife is by using the word “know” (Genesis 4:1) is because, well, I think that is what celebrating love is all about — we know each other well enough to know that we love each other, we know each other well enough to know that we aren’t going anywhere, and that knowing is what makes us want to celebrate that union by getting as close to one another and bringing as much physical pleasure to each other as we possibly can…as often as absolutely possible.
To me, that is what the peak of physical intimacy is all about — and the people who choose to use the term “make love,” it should be seen through this type of lens. When this type of mental and emotional bond comes together via each other’s bodies, they are amplifying love, enjoying love, embracing love.
Making it, though? Chile, the love has already been made. Sex is just the icing on the cake.
Having Sex
A few nights ago, I found myself rewatching this movie called Four of Hearts (which you can currently view on yep, you guessed it: Tubi). It’s about two married couples — one that is in an open marriage and another that isn’t although they somehow thought that sharing a night with the other couple would be a good idea (chile). Anyway, as one of the partners found themselves getting low-key sprung, the one they fell for said in one of the scenes, “It wasn’t a connection. It was just sex.” JUST. SEX.
Listen, when you decide to let a man put an entire part of his body inside of you at the risk of potentially getting an STI/STD or pregnant (because no form of birth control is 100 percent except for abstinence), it can never be “just sex” (somebody really needed to hear that too). At the same time, though, I got the character’s point because, if one or both people do not love each other or even deeply care for one another and/or sex is treated as an activity more than an act to establish a worthwhile connection and/or you and the person you are sleeping with have not really discussed what you are expecting from sex besides the act itself — you’re definitely not making/celebrating love.
Not by a long shot. What can make things get a bit complicated, though, is you’re doing the same act that “love makers” do without the same mental and emotional ties…or (sometimes) expectations.
You know, back when I decided to put all of my business out there via the piece “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners,” now more than ever, I am quite clear that most of those guys fell into the “having sex” category. I wasn’t in the type of relationship with them where “making love” even made sense; however, because I was friends with most of them, we weren’t exactly f-cking (which I will get to in just a moment) either. We had a connection of some sort for the bedroom yet not enough to be together in the other rooms of the house.
We were really attracted and curious, so we decided to act on that. Oftentimes, the sex was good and so we rationalized that “having sex” was enough because if the friendship was, eh, “sound enough”, that we could justify the physical pleasure.
And y’all, that’s kind of what having sex is — it’s the limbo (or purgatory, depending on your situation) between making love and f-cking. The thing about limbo ish is it’s a lot like something being lukewarm: it’s not really one thing or another which means that it can completely blindside you, if you’re not careful (and totally honest with yourself as well as your partner(s)).
So, if you are contemplating having sex, I really — REALLY — recommend that you figure out how you feel, what you want (outside of the act itself) and if you are prepared for what “not quites” can bring. My mother used to say that the consequences of sex don’t change just because the circumstances do — and there is some solid “wow” to that, if you really stop to think about it.
And finally, f-ck. Although most experts on the word (and yes, there are some) agree that its origin is rooted somewhere within the German language (although some say that it might’ve come from Middle English words like fyke or fike which mean “to move about restlessly” or the Norwegian word fukka which means “to copulate”), you might have also heard that it is an acronym that once stood for “Fornication Under Consent of the King”; and there is actually some data that is connected to that as well.
Legend has it that way back in the day, in order to keep reproduction rates where a particular king wanted them to be, he would instruct his residents to have sex with each other — whether they were married or not (hence, the word “fornication” being in the acronym). However, because sex outside of marriage was taken far more seriously at the time, residents had to apply for a permit to participate so that the king could determine if things like their occupation and lineage would prove to be beneficial for the kingdom overall. F-ck: no love; just necessity. And although some believe this to be more myth than fact, what is certain is it was only over time that f-ck was seen as a profane/swear/cuss word — a word that was perceived to be so offensive, in fact, that between the years 1795-1965, it didn’t even appear in dictionaries.
Personally, when I think of this four-letter word, the first thing that actually comes to my mind is animals. Take a dog being in heat, for instance. That’s basically when a female dog is ovulating and wants to have sex the most. It’s not because they are “in love” with another dog; they are simply doing what instinctively comes to them — and since animals do not reason or feel at the same capacity that humans do, although they science says that many of them do experience pleasure when they engage in their version of sexual activity, it’s not nearly as layered or even profound as what we experience.
Let’s keep going. Another reason why f-cking makes me think of animals is due to the doggy style position. Hear me out. Ain’t it wild how, most of us pretty much know that the term comes from how dogs have sex, even though most animals have sex that same way — and think about it: Doggy style doesn’t consist of making eye contact or kissing while having intercourse. It’s “hitting from behind” without much emotional energy or effort at all. Just how animals do it. And so, yeah, f-cking does seem to be more about pure animal — or in our case, mammal — instinct. I don’t need to feel anything for someone, so long as the sexual desire is there. Hmph.
Something else that I find to be interesting about f-cking is how dictionaries choose to define it. Many of them are going to provide you with two definitions: “to have sexual intercourse with” and “to treat unfairly or harshly (usually followed by over)” and that definitely makes me think of another term — casual sex and words that define casual like apathetic, careless and without serious or definite intention. So, the dictionary says that while f-cking is about having sexual intercourse — just like making love and having sex is — it goes a step further and says that it can include being treated unfairly or harshly.
And although that can make you think of assault on the surface, for sure — sometimes being treated unfairly or harshly is simply feeling like someone had sex AT you and not really WITH you; instinct (i.e., getting off) and that’s about it. Yeah, the way this puzzle is coming together, f-cking seems to be more about lust and self and not much else.
Now That You Know the Difference, What to Keep in Mind
Y’all, this is definitely the kind of topic that I could expound on until each and every cow comes home. That said, here’s hoping that I provided enough perspective on each act to close this out by encouraging you to keep the following three things to keep in mind:
1. Before you engage in copulation, be honest with yourself about what you’re ACTUALLY doing — and that your partner agrees with you. You know, they say that our brain is our biggest sex organ and honestly, breaking down the differences between making love, having sex and f-cking helps to prove that fact. I say that because, although the sex act itself is pretty much the same across the board, you and your partner’s mindset can make the experience completely different. That said, if you think that you are making love and they think y’all are just having sex — stuff can get pretty dicey. Bottom line: communicate in the bedroom before attempting to connect outside of it. It’s always worth it when you do.
2. Yes, you can feel one way and do something else. I can just about guess what some of y’all are on: Shellie, we can love our partner and still just want to f-ck. If what you are saying is you can emotionally love someone and physically lust them and want to act sometimes on the lust without really factoring in the love — yes, I agree. Doggy style continues to be a favorite sex position for people, in general, and I’m more than confident that many of the participants polled are in a serious relationship. However, having lust-filled sex with someone who you know loves you is vastly different than doing it with someone who you have no clue what they think about you or you barely know at all. Y’all, please just make sure that you know…what you should know. Sex is too amazing to have a lot of regret after it.
3. Have realistic expectations about sex. Listen, so much of my life consists of writing and talking about sex that I will be the first one to say that it deserves a ton of props for what it is able to do, in a wonderful way, for people mentally, emotionally and physically. Yet again, I’m not a fan of “make love” because something that feels really good doesn’t always mean that it is good for you. Meaning, you’ve got to be real about what sex with someone will do to your mind and spirit — not just what it will do for your body. An author by the name of Gabriel García Márquez once said, “Sex is the consolation you have when you can't have love.” For no one, should this be a constant norm. Feel me? I hope you do.
____
One act. Three very different experiences.
It’s kind of wild that sex has the ability to create that — and yet, clearly, it does.
Please just make sure that you know which experience you’re signing up for.
So that you’re having sex (you know, in general) instead of sex having you. Real talk.
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