Use This Time To (Mentally, Emotionally, Financially) Prepare For The Holiday Season
Whew. Doesn't it seem like we just had a holiday season not too long ago? And here we are. In October. Eight weeks (give or take a few days) from Thanksgiving and roughly 12 weeks away from Christmas. Where did the freakin' time go? If you're someone who likes the cold weather, holiday movies and music and the delicious food that is oh so characteristic of the holiday season yet the planning and some of the people that come with it all can cause you to low-key hyperventilate, months in advance, I just wanted to offer up a quick cheat sheet that can remind you to mentally, emotionally and financially put some steps into place.
That way, this year, you can go through the holidays feeling more refreshed than drained.
How to MENTALLY Prepare for the Holidays
Ask yourself what YOU want to do.
If there's one thing that the holidays and weddings have in common, it's the fact that so many times, people end up getting so caught up in other people's plans and expectations that they don't get to do what they really want to do themselves. While, in all actuality, you will probably have to engage in a bit of compromising over the holidays, don't lose sight of what you'd like to do during that time too. If you want to be friends rather than family, take a trip alone or even just chill at your house for one or both of the holidays, better to state that now and prepare everyone than A) totally blindside them with your plans or B) concede to what's expected of you while internally seething the entire time.
Put a weekly to-do list together.
October is here. Again, this means that November is right up the street and if you hang a sharp right, there's December. I'm not sure what it is that makes so many of us want to feel stressed out and overwhelmed because we waited until the last minute to get all that we need but that is so oftentimes the case. This year, decide to be revolutionary, to buck the system and to do a little bit at a time, each week, until Thanksgiving and Christmas arrive.
For instance, if you're hosting one of the days, set aside one week to purchase items that you may need for your guests, another week to clean the downstairs of your home, another week to do upstairs, another week to go grocery shopping, another week to cook, etc. Breaking things down into small projects will help to keep your anxiety levels low. It can also help you to do a more thorough job in each area because, since you won't be rushing, you can really think through what needs to be done in every category.
Pre-determine to only control what you can control.
Your auntie talking crazy (in someone else's home). Your parents missing their flight. Your car not starting. These are examples of things that, to a large extent, you are not going to be able to control.
Thing is, once you accept that as being a part of your reality, it can actually help to take a lot of pressure off because when you determine in your mind to do what you can do and let the universe handle the rest, it prevents you from getting all frazzled and bent out of shape.
Speaking of the car thing, if folks are staying with you, it can never hurt to encourage them to rent a vehicle. One more car for people to do what they want, so that they aren't solely relying on you is always beneficial.
How to EMOTIONALLY Prepare for the Holidays
Jot down what your boundaries are.
Say that you're newly married and while you and your in-laws are cool overall, your mother-in-law has shown clear signs of being passively aggressively pushy and demanding, pretty much since you met your boo. You can best believe that someone like that is either going to try and intimidate you into surrendering to their holiday plans or guilt your husband so that you both give in. The point here? Setting boundaries are key. If you are married, you and your husband need to decide what your united front will be and then express it.
If you're single and the control freaks are other family members, whether it's a phone call or even an email with a heads up on what you will and won't be able to do, that is something that definitely needs to go down. Listen, for whatever the reason, a lot of family folks think that boundaries don't apply to them. You don't have to go along with that way of thinking. In fact, the better (and clearer) the boundaries are, the easier, ultimately, it can be for drama to not be (as much of) an issue. Figure out what yours should be for the sake of your sanity. Then put everyone on notice, sooner than later, so that they can emotionally…adjust.
Ponder your triggers and how to deactivate them.
Speaking of boundaries, something that's fascinating about the holiday season is people typically run on high energy and high expectations. The challenge that comes with both of these is they can lead to great disappointments, if you're not careful. That's why I'm such a huge fan of "trigger deactivation" — you know, really taking out the time to figure out what or who triggers you and why, so that you can come up with beneficial ways to not let it or them push your buttons so much.
Since a lot of triggers center around past experiences, nothing says a colossal trigger fest quite like sitting around a table on Thanksgiving or an evergreen tree on Christmas. That's why now would be a really good time to assess what really gets on your last nerve, why that is the case and then follow that up with ways that you keep "it" from getting to you too much. Because the reality is, you will probably only be around your trigger(s) for a couple of days; however, if things go way left when it comes to how you respond/react to them, the fallout could continue for years to come. Anyway, if you'd like a bit of assistance in this area, feel free to check out "How To Handle Folks Who 'Trigger' You".
Make self-care essential.
Why oh why do people decide that the holiday season is the best time to run themselves absolutely ragged? If ever there was the right time to make sure that your mani/pedi, massage, waxing, hair and whatever other self-care rituals that you are used to transpire, now until New Year's Day is definitely when you should make those happen. In fact, because the holiday season is when booking appointments can be an absolute headache, strongly consider hitting up the salons/spas now to schedule everything well in advance. One, so you won't have to freak out when they tell you they are filled up come November and two, so that you'll know to stash some money aside for yourself…because you deserve it.
How to FINANCIALLY Prepare for the Holidays
Determine which holiday you want to spend the most money on.
This hack right here is super important because I've actually read that Americans, on average, spend close to $1000 just on Christmas gifts alone. If you spend that much on presents before even getting into travel expenses, food, stuff for yourself, etc., it's easy to see how folks can start off a new year in the hole. That's why it's super important to 1) create a budget that's specifically for the holidays and 2) decide which holiday you want to spend the most on because, just like you can run up a tab on gifts for Christmas, food can be super pricey on Thanksgiving too.
By determining ahead of time what you will and will not do, financially, and then holding yourself accountable (for instance, saying that you'll spend $500 in gifts and using your credit cards are absolutely not an option), that can provide you peace of mind that you're living within your means, so that you can start another year off on the right foot.
Put $50 aside per paycheck.
If money is super tight and you have absolutely no idea how you're going to make your coins stretch, I've got two tips. First, check out an article that I wrote last November entitled, "Coin Collection: 10 Easy Ways To Save $500 By Christmas". It's got some practical ways for you to store up some cash. If you don't wanna do all-a-dat, you can always discipline yourself to put aside fifty bucks per pay day. If you get paid on a bi-weekly basis, that can still give you around an extra $200 by Thanksgiving or $300 by Christmas.
Cop plane tickets now.
If you plan on flying out somewhere, did you know that you can get the best rates if you start checking for flights between four months and three weeks prior to when you have to leave? While I know there are a ton of sites that can help you to book last-minute cheap tickets, a lot of them come with long layovers and/or extra fees. You know, one time, I booked a roundtrip ticket for under $100 to see my goddaughters and I know it was because I looked a couple of months ahead. Anyway, for hacks on how to get a super inexpensive flight, check out Thrifty Nomads, "How to Book the Cheapest Flight Possible to Anywhere". It's got quite a few hacks that I think you will enjoy.
BONUS: An Effective Way to PHYSICALLY Prepare for the Holidays
Shed a few pounds now. Proactive is always better than reactive, right? Keeping that in mind, did you know that reportedly, on average, we gain somewhere around eight pounds between Thanksgiving and New Year's Day?
The sad part is a lot of us try and curtail this by either avoiding all of the foods that bring us so much joy during the holiday season or going on some sort of a starvation diet after the fact. This year, don't do either. Instead, determine to comfortably shed that amount of weight before Thanksgiving even comes by cutting back on sugar and carbs, exercising a bit more and shoot — drinking more water.
I promise you that whenever I want to lose five pounds or so, all I've got to do is replace whatever I typically drink with water and weight falls right on off. A lot of us don't realize that we're drinking calories via alcohol and juice, but we are but if you sacrifice those things now, that can mean more hot chocolate and eggnog without feeling any kind of guilty over the holiday season — and just how awesome is that?
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After being a regular contributor for about four years and being (eh hem) MIA in 2022, Shellie is back penning for the platform (did you miss her? LOL).
In some ways, nothing has changed and in others, everything has. For now, she'll just say that she's working on the 20th anniversary edition of her first book, she's in school to take life coaching to another level and she's putting together a platform that supports and encourages Black men because she loves them from head to toe.
Other than that, she still works with couples, she's still a doula, she's still not on social media and her email contact (email@example.com) still hasn't changed (neither has her request to contact her ONLY for personal reasons; pitch to the platform if you have story ideas).
Life is a funny thing but if you stay calm, moments can come full circle and this is one of them. No doubt about it.
Amber Riley Is In Her Element
Amber Riley has the type of laugh that sticks with you long after the raspy, rhythmic sounds have ceased. It punctuates her sentences sometimes, whether she’s giving a chuckle to denote the serious nature of something she just said or throwing her head back in rip-roarious laughter after a joke. She laughs as if she understands the fragility of each minute. She chooses laughter often with the understanding that future joy is not guaranteed.
Credit: Ally Green
The sound of her laughter is rivaled only by her singing voice, an emblem of the past and the future resilience of Black women stretched over a few octaves. On Fox’s Glee, her character Mercedes Jones was portrayed, perhaps unfairly, as the vocal duel to Rachel Berry (Lea Michele), offering rough, full-throated belts behind her co-star’s smooth, pristine vocals. Riley’s always been more than the singer who could deliver a finishing note, though.
Portraying Effie White, she displayed the dynamic emotions of a song such as “And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going” in Dreamgirls on London’s West End without buckling under the historic weight of her predecessors. With her instrument, John Mayer’s “Gravity” became a religious experience, a belted hymnal full of growls and churchy riffs. In her voice, Nicole Scherzinger once said she heard “the power of God.”
Credit: Ally Green
Riley’s voice has been a staple throughout pop culture for nearly 15 years now. Her tone has become so distinguishable that most viewers of Fox’s The Masked Singer recognized the multihyphenate even before it was revealed that she was Harp, the competition-winning, gold-masked figure with an actual harp strapped to her back.
Still, it wasn’t until recently that Riley began to feel like she’d found her voice. This sounds unbelievable. But she’s not referring to the one she uses on stage. She’s referencing the voice that speaks to who she is at her core. “Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind,” the 37-year-old says. “It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women. I got so comfortable in [doing so], and I really want other people, especially Black women, to get more comfortable in that space.”
“Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind. It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women."
If you ask Riley’s manager, Myisha Brooks, she’ll tell you the foundation of who the multihyphenate is hasn’t changed much since she was a kid growing up in Compton. “She is who she is from when I met her back when she was singing in the front of the church to back when she landed major roles in film and TV,” Brooks says. Time has allowed Riley to grow more comfortable, giving fans a more intimate glimpse into her life, including her mental health journey and the ins and outs of show business.
The actress/singer has been in therapy since 2019, although she suffered from depression and anxiety way before that. In a recent interview with Jason Lee, she recalls having suicidal ideation as a kid. By the time she started seeing a psychologist and taking antidepressants in her thirties, her body had become jittery, a physical reminder of the trauma stacked high inside her. “I was shaking in [my therapist’s] office,” she tells xoNecole. “My fight or flight was on such a high level. I was constantly in survival mode. My heart was beating fast all the time. All I did was sweat.”
There wasn’t just childhood trauma to account for. After auditioning for American Idol and being turned away by producers, Riley began working for Ikea and nearly missed her Glee audition because her car broke down on the highway while en route. Thankfully, Riley had been cast to play Mercedes Jones. American Idol had temporarily convinced her she wasn’t cut out for the entertainment industry, but this was validation that she was right where she belonged. Glee launched in 2009 with the promise of becoming Riley’s big break.
In some ways, it was. The show introduced Riley to millions of fans and catapulted her into major Hollywood circles. But in other ways, it became a reminder of the types of roles Black women, especially those who are plus-sized, are relegated to. Behind the scenes, Riley says she fought for her character "to have a voice" but eventually realized her efforts were useless. "It finally got to a point where I was like, this is not my moment. I'm not who they're choosing, and this is just going to have to be a job for me for now," she says. "And, that's okay because it pays my bills, I still get to be on television, I'm doing more than any other Black plus-sized women that I'm seeing right now on screen."
The actress can recognize now that she was navigating issues associated with trauma and low self-esteem at the time. She now knows that she's long had anxiety and depression and can recognize the ways in which she was triggered by how the cult-like following of the show conflicted with her individual, isolated experiences behind the scenes. But she was in her early '20s back then. She didn't yet have the language or the tools to process how she was feeling.
Riley says she eventually sought out medical intervention. "When you're in Hollywood, and you go to a doctor, they give you pills," she says, sharing a part of her story that she'd never revealed publicly before now. "[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that's not fixing my problem. If anything, it's making it worse."
“[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that’s not fixing my problem. If anything it’s making it worse.”
Credit: Ally Green
At one point, while in her dressing room on set, she rested her arm on a curling iron without realizing it. It wasn't until her makeup artist alerted her that she even realized her skin was burning. Once she noticed, she says she was "so zonked out on pills" that she barely reacted. Speaking today, she holds up her arm and motions towards a scar that remains from the incident. She sought help for her reliance on the pills, but it would still be years before she finally attended therapy.
This stress was only compounded by the trauma of growing up in poverty and the realities of being a "contract worker." "Imagine going from literally one week having to borrow a car to get to set to the next week being on a private jet to New York City," she says. After Glee ended, so did the rides on private planes. The fury of opportunities she expected to follow her appearance on the show failed to materialize. She wasn't even 30 yet, and she was already forced to consider if she'd hit her career peak.
. . .
We’re only four minutes into our Zoom call before Riley delivers her new adage to me. “My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway,” she says.
On this Thursday afternoon in April, the LA-based entertainer is seated inside her closet/dressing room wearing a cerulean blue tank top with matching shorts and eating hot wings. This current phase of healing hinges on balance. It’s about having discipline and consistency, but not at the risk of inflexibility. She was planning to head to the gym, for instance, but she’s still tired from the “exhausting” day before. Instead, she’s spent her day receiving a massage, eating some chicken wings, and planning to spend quality time with friends. “I’m not going to beat myself up for it. I’m not going to talk down to myself. I’m going to eat my chicken wings, and then tomorrow I’m [back] in the gym,” she says.
“My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway."
This is the balance with which she's been approaching much of her life these days. It's why she's worried less about whether or not people see her as someone who is humble. She'd rather be respected. "I think you should be a person that's easy to work with, but in the moments where I have to ruffle feathers and make waves, I'm not shying away from that anymore. You can do it in love, you don't have to be nasty about it, but I had to finally be comfortable with the fact that setting boundaries around my life – in whatever aspect, whether that's personal or business – people are not going to like it. Some people are not going to have nice things to say about you, and you gotta be okay with it," she says.
When Amber talks about the constant humbling of Black women in Hollywood, I think of the entertainers before her who have suffered from this. The brilliant, consistent, overqualified Black women who have spoken of having to fight for opportunities and fair pay. Aretha Franklin. Viola Davis. Tracee Ellis Ross. There's a long list of stars whose success hasn't mirrored their experiences behind the scenes.
Credit: Ally Green
If Black women outside of Hollywood are struggling to decrease the pay gap, so, too, are their wealthier, more famous peers.
Riley says there’s been progress in recent years, but only in small ways and for a limited group of people. “This business is exhausting. The goalpost is constantly moving, and sometimes it’s unfair,” she says. But, I have to say it’s the love that keeps you going.”
“There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman,” she continues. “We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
"There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman. We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
Last year, Riley starred alongside Raven Goodwin in the Lifetime thriller Single Black Female (a modern, diversified take on 1992’s Single White Female). It was more than a leading role for the actress, it also served as proof that someone who looks like her can front a successful project without it hinging on her identity. It showcased that the characters she portrays don’t “have to be about being a big girl. It can just be a regular story.”
Riley sees her work in music as an extension of her efforts to push past the rigid stereotypes in entertainment. Take her appearance on The Masked Singer, for instance. Riley said she decided to perform Mayer’s “Gravity” after being told she couldn’t sing it years earlier. “I wanted to do ‘Gravity’ on Glee. [I] was told no, because that’s not a song that Mercedes would do,” she says. “That was a full circle moment for me, doing that on that show and to hear what it is they had to say.”
As Scherzinger praised the “anointed” performance, a masked Riley began to cry, her chest heaving as she stood on stage, her eyes shielded from view. “You have to understand, I have really big names – casting directors, producers, show creators – that constantly tell me ‘I’m such a big fan. Your talent is unmatched.’ Hire me, then,” she says, reflecting on the moment.
Recently, she’s been in the studio working on original music, the follow-up to her independently-released debut EP, 2020’s Riley. The sequel to songs such as the anthemic “Big Girl Energy” and the reflective ballad “A Moment” on Riley, this new project hones in on the singer’s R&B roots with sensual grooves such as the tentatively titled “All Night.” “You said I wasn’t shit, turns out that I’m the shit. Then you called me a bitch, turns out that I’m that bitch. You said no one would want me, well you should call your homies,” she sings on the tentatively titled “Lately,” a cut about reflecting on a past relationship. From the forthcoming project, xoNecole received five potential tracks. Fans likely already know the strengths and contours of Riley’s vocals, but these new songs are her strongest, most confident offerings as an artist.
“I am so much more comfortable as a writer, and I know who I am as an artist now. I’m evolving as a human being, in general, so I’m way more vulnerable in my music. I’m way more willing to talk about whatever is on my mind. I don’t stop myself from saying what it is I want to say,” she says.
Credit: Ally Green
“Every era and alliteration of Amber, the baseline is ‘Big Girl Energy.’ That’s the name of her company,” her manager Brooks says, referencing the imprint through which Riley releases her music after getting out of a label deal several years ago. “It’s just what she stands for. She’s not just talking about size, it’s in all things. Whether it’s putting your big girl pants on and having to face a boardroom full of executives or sell yourself in front of a casting agent. It’s her trying to achieve the things she wants to do in life.”
Riley says she has big dreams beyond releasing this new music, too. She’d love to star in a rom-com with Winston Duke. She hasn't starred in a biopic yet, but she’d revel in the opportunity to portray Rosetta Tharpe on screen. She’s determined that her previous setbacks won’t stop her from dreaming big.
“I think one of my superpowers is resilience because, at the end of the day, I’m going to kick, scream, cry, cuss, be mad and disappointed, but I’m going to get up and risk having to deal with it all again. It’s worth it for the happy moments,” she says.
If Riley seems more comfortable and confident professionally, it’s because of the work she’s been doing in her personal life.
She’d previously spoken to xoNecole about becoming engaged to a man she discovered in a post on the site, but she called things off last year. For Valentine’s Day, she revealed her new boyfriend publicly. “I decided to post him on Valentine’s Day, partially because I was in the dog house. I got in trouble with him,” she says, half-joking before turning serious. “The breakup was never going to stop me from finding love. Or at least trying. I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness, and you enjoy it and work through it.”
Credit: Ally Green
"I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness and you enjoy it and work through it.”
With her ex, Riley was pretty outspoken about her relationship, even appearing in content for Netflix with him. This time around is different. She’s not hiding her boyfriend of eight months, but she’s more protective of him, especially because he’s a father and isn’t interested in becoming a public figure.
She’s traveling more, too. It’s a deliberate effort on her part to enjoy her money and reject the trauma she’s developed after experiencing poverty in her childhood. “I live in constant fear of being broke. I don’t think you ever don’t remember that trauma or move past that. Now I travel and I’m like, listen, if it goes, it goes. I’m not saying [to] be reckless, but I deserve to enjoy my hard work.”
After everything she’s been through, she certainly deserves to finally let loose a bit. “I have to have a life to live,” she says. “I’ve got to have a life worth fighting for.”
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Introducing Chief Mom Officer: Where Working Moms Come First
xoNecole's Chief Mom Officer explores the 18-month post-pregnancy journey through the lens of our very own Chief Mom Officer, Shakyna Bolden. The series will serve as an inspirational and resourceful guide to help get through the early days of new motherhood as working moms knowing they are not alone in the hardships.
“I want to build my work around my life, and not my life around my work.”
I typed these words in my iPhone Notes as I fed my newborn daughter one morning during the first few weeks of having her earthside. I didn’t have much time for page-filled journal entries as my days were filled with nonstop feedings, soothing, and recovery…but I knew I needed to give those words space and life.
Prior to my maternity leave, I, like most working moms, was burning fumes juggling work and life. Since 2019, I’ve been running revenue operations here at this really cool company you may have heard of called xoNecole (hehe). I’ve been behind the scenes building our brand partnerships and negotiating deals with companies such as Ulta Beauty, Toyota, Target, Spotify, SheaMoisture, etc.
Courtesy of Shakyna Bolden
I’ve co-produced our signature events like ElevateHER and Pajamas & Lipstick while conceptualizing, selling, building, and distributing our original video and podcast content and podcast. The list goes on and on. I’ve helped build this small but brilliant company into what it is today, all while running my own small family. And that is not an easy feat.
In all truth, trying to be the best mom and partner I can be while also leading in my job has felt at times like a whirlwind where the rest of my life is passing me by. I don’t quite know where or when it happened, but I swear somebody pushed the fast-forward button in life, and I’m losing my edges trying to keep up.
My mind and body get so preoccupied with the management of life that my soul sits on the sidelines, waiting to take the reins and intentionally live it.
So many facets of my life, from my health and well-being to my hobbies and passions, have been placed on the back burner while tending to my young family and growing in my career has taken center stage. And for the longest time, I’ve wanted to flip the switch, but the pace of life just hasn’t let me restack my priorities.
That is, until now.
Courtesy of Shakyna Bolden
When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter last year, I couldn’t imagine adding more to my already full plate. Simultaneously, I was also relieved to know that my upcoming maternity leave would force me to press pause and catch my breath. Her birth in January 2023 was a much-needed reset, to say the least.
My maternity leave was the first time since 2019 that I had a second for dreams that were buried in the back of my heart to bubble up to the surface of my reality. I got a taste of what it was like to solely focus on my well-being and my home life. And I liked it a lot. My healing. My recovery. Sitting and really taking quiet time with God to search the unattended areas in the garden of my life.
I was cooking homemade meals on the regular and actually sitting down with my family at the table to eat. As grueling as those first newborn weeks can be, I was enjoying the long-awaited shift in my priorities; and I wanted that shift to stick. I didn’t want it to fade away after my maternity leave.
I want to build my work around my life and not my life around my work.
As a leader of an organization that speaks to millions of women every day about their well-being (and also in leading a team of majority women), I feel it’s my responsibility to carry this shift forward boldly. This is why I’m launching a new column here at xoNecole: Chief Mom Officer!
As I return to work full-time this month from my maternity leave, I want to regularly share my experience of trying to harmonize work and life. As an audience, you all share your raw, unfiltered journeys with us. For years, they’ve undoubtedly inspired me. I want to show up and do the same because I know this shift in my life will be quite the journey.
So for all my Chief Mom Officers—those of us who are constantly merging the imperfect and chaotic worlds of leadership in the office and wearing our crowns at home—I invite you to come on this journey with me and celebrate the ebbs and flows in how we show up for each.
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Featured image courtesy of Shakyna Bolden