I like hearing men's perspectives on things. So, while watching a video on their hot take on relationships, as I read the comments, I noticed one that said, "There are only three reasons for a man to get married: You hate sex. You hate your money. You hate peace." Ouch.
While I don't agree with that particular hot take (because I know some husbands who truly love being married), it's not like this mentality is coming totally out of the blue. I counsel many couples who are in sexless marriages. It always fascinates me that the majority of divorces are filed by women (somewhere around 80 percent) and a lot of those wives do end up receiving alimony. And when husbands tell me their number one pet peeve in their marital union, nagging always tops the list (there are Scriptures in the Bible to back that up; ones like Proverbs 21:9). So yeah, I get why some men are gun-shy about making a long-term commitment. I really do.
When I ran this guy's resolve up the flagpole of some of the men featured in this article, it was interesting what most of them said. To paraphrase everyone's point, "A lot of this is because many marriages start off on the wrong foot. Couples aren't friends. People don't really get what they are signing up for. And a lot of men feel pressured to get married, so they're not really ready when they do it."
Yeah, this point hasn't escaped me either. I actually know several men who said they got married because they were given an ultimatum and/or they proposed but then the wedding date was put on the fast track and/or they loved their significant other but marriage was all that she talked about and so they did it to satisfy (and sometimes pacify) her.
Listen, some of y'all aren't gonna like this piece. A big part of that is because oftentimes, we'd rather decide how a man thinks (or should think) or berate him if it's not what we wanna hear. Yet you'd be amazed by how much bullshishery you can avoid if you'd simply listen to them. You don't have to agree. You don't have to enjoy what you hear either. Still, if you listen to what men are saying, it can give you a different outlook than your girlfriends have which can spare you a lot of frustration and disillusionment. It can also help you to better understand why sometimes we're on one side of the fence and men are totally on another when it comes to certain matters. There's nothing wrong with that. We're designed to be different, and therefore bring about a balance, for a reason.
So, when it comes to jumping the broom and the pressure that some men feel comes with doing that, here are what 10 different men had to say about feeling pressured to get married. Try and avoid going on the defensive. Just hear 'em out, okay?
*Middle names have been used to protect the men's identity. Folks tend to be more candid this way.*
Craig. 28. In a Serious Relationship.
"Some ladies won't want to hear this, but I don't think a lot of men see it as 'pressure' so much as manipulation. Like that saying, 'The man is the head and the woman is the neck that can turn the head however she wishes?' WTF is that? If you grow up thinking that it's your role to manipulate men, then you will believe that includes marriage. If a man wants to spend the rest of his life with you, trust me, you won't need to 'twist his neck'. He will come to that conclusion all on his own. He will make it very clear without your help too."
Frederick. 46. Married for 20 Years.
"I hate ultimatums. They're futile. If you are out here telling some guy that unless he marries you, you're out, you best leave because if he falls for that power play, he's going to always resent you on some level and you're always going to wonder if he truly wanted you to begin with. What men want, they will strive for. Marriage is no exception."
"I married my wife when I was ready and she never brought marriage up once. Sure, we discussed goals and desires but that whole, 'So, how long before you propose?' stuff? I never heard it and that was really attractive to me. I was clear that she didn't want to date forever but I wasn't pressured into moving at a faster speed than we were going. I chose her. I wasn't pressured. We both have no regrets to this day."
Lavell. 35. Single.
"What's crazy is all of my boys got pressured into marriage. Not one of them has told me that they got married because they decided on their own that they wanted to be with their wife. There were ultimatums or engagement ring pictures that were laying around or pregnancies that happened and their baby's mom saying, 'I don't want to be a single parent'—something along those lines. It's like women assume that the only way a man will marry them is if they push them into it. Why is that?"
Stanton. 33. Narrowing His Options Down.
"I know that I'm considered to still be somewhat young, but I dated a lot in my 20s and it's crazy how much marriage came up even then. I definitely didn't bring the conversation up. A lot of the ladies I dated seemed to almost be programmed to get married. Like it's not something that they necessarily wanted to do but it was expected of them. Now that I'm in my 30s, I've had some time to see what I want and don't want…what I like and don't like. There is one woman, in particular, who I am strongly considering becoming exclusive with. One thing that I really like about her is she's really confident. She has told me that she wants to get married one day, but in the meantime, her life is full and good. That is the kind of woman that men are drawn to—a lady who knows what she wants and also knows she'll get it, whether it's you or not. 'She' is never lacking in men who consider her to be wife material."
Jago. 40. Twice Divorced.
"My first wife, I was totally into her. Long story short, we didn't work out because we were too young. If anything, I pressured her to marry me. My second wife, she had just come out of a long-term relationship and was on this 'I date to marry' tip, so everything was on the fast track. Clearly, I cared about her because I married her, but in her mind, she couldn't be loved without a wedding ring and so the focus was so much in having to prove things to her rather than allowing things to naturally evolve. Marriage ended up being her end goal, so once it happened, she didn't know what to do next. We separated on our fourth wedding anniversary. She's on her third marriage now. I was her first."
Benson. 39. Dating.
"If you bring marriage up on the first three dates, I'm already checking out. Women like that sound like they are more interested in saying they've got a husband than getting to know a man for himself."
"At this age, it can get super crazy because women in their mid-30s who want children are really trying to fast track it. Then, when you're like 'slow down', they try and act like you've got some kind of unresolved issues when really, they come off as needy and desperate. Let us get to know you as a person first. Damn."
Alexander. 24. Single.
"This topic is comedy to me because can you really pressure a man into doing something he doesn't want to do? If he decides to go ahead, for whatever the reason, he must've wanted to on some level, right? Maybe that's just me."
Nathan. 30. Married for Two Years.
"This is what I'd like women to consider—please stop with all of the 'God told me you are my husband' stuff. Do you know how many celebrities say that and are on their umpteenth marriage? You make God look crazy out here. Besides, if he told you, he will also tell the guy. That's how it works. Spiritual manipulation is also a form of marital pressure. It's the worst kind too."
Donovan. 33. Single.
"This topic. Why is it that when an accomplished woman in her 30s or 40s is still single, it's some form of liberation and when a guy, especially a Black man, is in the same boat, somehow we must be defective or commitment-phobes? A lot of the men in my circle aren't afraid to get married. We just don't want to get a divorce. So, if it takes longer to find 'her', it's all good. The one who is the quick turn-off, though? The woman who tries and emasculate us by making us feel like if we're not with someone then something is wrong with us. No one wants to be shamed into marriage."
Luke. 42. Engaged.
"Remember when you showed me that article you wrote about a man being marriage material is a man who wants to get married? That really is the bottom line. If a woman wants to get married, she needs to get involved with men who are on the same page. Don't wait until you are so emotionally invested that you feel like you've got to drag a guy down the aisle because you have put so much of yourself into it. Men who are ready for marriage are gonna act like it. They won't need to be pressured. They are already in that head and heart space."
Again, some of this may not have been your favorite thing to hear yet it is directly from the mouths of men. And if you were paying attention, pressure isn't beneficial—to them and, in the long run, for us either. Bottom line, a man who is ready for marriage embraces it. A man who isn't—while he might respond to pressure, it ultimately isn't the wisest approach. Choose wisely, y'all.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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