

The Greatest Hack To Get A Marriage Through The Tough Times
I will never make an apology for the fact that I adore the Scriptures. There is something very, remarkable is the word that comes to mind, about the fact that even all of these years later (thousands and thousands of years later), there is so much wisdom within the Bible that is still relevant and — if you want to live a content life — even necessary. Matter of fact, some of the people in my world who aren't Bible followers or even believers in God will admit to me that Proverbs (King Solomon's book of wisdom) has some real gems in it.
Anyway, where I'm going with this today is, since I do use the Bible was a guide for much of my life, I'm someone who strongly believes that one of the main purposes of marriage is spiritual — that it's a very unique dynamic that is designed to teach us how to love another human being like God loves us: fully, completely, always. Just like I tell some of my clients in sessions, "It's very interesting that the Love Chapter [in the Bible] defines love, starting with 'love is patient' and ending with 'love never fails' and yet, folks still misuse and even abuse the word all of the time."
Since I think that marriage is about teaching divine love, above all else, if there's one thing that God does for us, on a daily basis (because as humans, we really are a trip), it's forgive. And you know what? According to the Good Book:
"For if you forgive people their trespasses [their reckless and willful sins, leaving them, letting them go, and giving up resentment], your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their trespasses [their reckless and willful sins, leaving them, letting them go, and giving up resentment], neither will your Father forgive you your trespasses." (Matthew 6:14-15 — AMPC)
Whew. You caught that right? If you want to be forgiven by God, you've got to be willing to forgive others. There's no "escape clause" on that. And so, that's what we're going to tackle today. In order to be spiritually in a good space, in order to love more and better, in order to honor the vows that you made with your spouse, if there's a "hack" that can make all of this possible, in a very extraordinary way, it's forgiveness. It really and truly is.
What Exactly Does It Mean to Forgive?
Timing really is something. On the day that I decided to knock this article out, I "happened upon" a study entitled, "Two-thirds of romantic couples start out as friends, study finds". It made me smile because 1) I'm also a firm believer that the foundation of marriage needs to be friendship (you can't become genuine friends with someone in a few weeks or a couple of months, by the way) and 2) I tell folks often that the reason why a lot of people have such a short tolerance in their romantic relationships yet will endure until the end with their friendships is because a lot of relationships lack friendship.
Think about it. When it comes to the folks who you consider to be "your tribe", I'm willing to bet my next paycheck that you have forgiven a whole lot as it relates to them (and vice versa). Oh, but your past relationships? Chances are, you've cut them for far, far less. And because friendship is lacking in so many romantic situations, because folks are too busy "putting on a face" while they're dating so that they never really have to practice forgiveness, once they get married, to tell you the truth, they really aren't all that good at it. As a result, whenever trouble hits, they would rather break their promise of remaining in their union instead of looking at what is going on as an opportunity to learn more about what forgiveness entails — and requires.
So, with that said, what exactly does it mean to forgive someone else and why are so many people triggered by the word? While there are a billion different ways to break forgiveness down, at the end of the day, probably the most simplistic way to explain it is, forgiveness is making the decision to release an offense and the resentment that's attached to it.
It means that when someone does something that hurts, offends or disappoints you, you don't hold a grudge, you don't find a way to get back at them and you don't allow bitterness to set in because of it. Forgiveness requires some emotional intelligence, empathy and compassion because, in order to do it well, you've got to be willing to accept that you also make mistakes, that there will come a time when your spouse will need to forgive you for something (because again, you are not perfect; not even close…right?) and you will desire for them not to run you through the ringer before they extend the same courtesy your way.
Forgiveness is also about being a peace-seeker and peacemaker. It's about wanting love and harmony to be restored into your home rather than allowing unforgivingness to keep a spirit of anger/confusion/discourse in the place that is supposed to be a sanctuary space (a place of refuge) for you both. Indeed, like love, forgiveness is divine because forgiveness is what helps you to love another person…more.
Why Is It So Hard to Forgive?
So, why is something so beautiful also something that is so difficult? That's a TED Talk on its own. What I will say for now is I think many of us struggle with forgiveness (including forgiving ourselves) because it wasn't modeled to us well. Maybe the people who should've been our forgiveness mentors did a horrible job at explaining and/or expressing it. Maybe we never saw someone do it right when we were growing up. Maybe the people we've forgiven in the past kept on committing the same offenses which caused us to build up walls. Maybe this crazy word has got us believing that forgiveness is a sign of weakness rather than strength when that couldn't be further from the truth.
Another reason why some people struggle with forgiving others is because they think it means that they should be a doormat or not set boundaries or standards or that, in doing so, they are conveying to someone that abuse or misuse is OK. Listen, if someone truly loves you, they are going to mess up. You've got to accept that. At the same time, they are also going to strive to not repeat the same offenses (at the very least, in the same way that they have already apologized for in the past) because a part of what comes with an apology is saying, "I know what I did was wrong. I own it. How can I make things better and strive to restore the confidence in me that has been compromised?" (Check out "Heads Up: It's NOT An Apology If An Amends Isn't Made".)
So no, forgiveness is not an allowance to let people mistreat you. Forgiveness is extending mercy and grace to those who acknowledge their wrongs while wanting to set things right. And if you are going to be in a relationship with any kind of human being, you're going to have to be willing to have this heart and mindset. Otherwise, real talk…stay single.
Why Only “Good Forgivers” Need to Get Married
The late evangelist Billy Graham was married to a woman by the name of Ruth Bell Graham. While they both were alive, she once said, "A happy marriage is the union of two great forgivers." I've shared this quote on this platform before and I promise you that I couldn't agree more. While there are things like abuse and infidelity that lead to the end of some marriages, I'm here to tell you that a lot of folks? A lot of them choose not to stick their marriage out because they simply don't do well at forgiving others. Why?
Some people go into marriage with super unrealistic expectations.
Some people go into marriage wanting to be served with no plans of serving someone else.
Some people? Some people are simply too selfish (self-absorbed) for that kind of relationship.
And you know what? These are the kinds of people who think that their partner should tolerate all of their issues, excuse all of their foolishness and overlook all of their flaws and yet, when it's time to reciprocate these same actions, they suddenly have very little of what they seem to require their partner to give. It's hypocritical. It's exhausting. And, after a while, it makes having a successful marriage, pretty close to impossible.
What makes folks, quite frankly, have such balls to be so self-centered? Well, something else that isn't considered about marriage, nearly as much as it should be is the fact that, in many ways and on many levels, marriage is a mirror. When you decide to share your entire life with another human being, they get to see a lot of what other people never will. And when they reflect back to you the "cobwebs" of your mind, body and soul, it requires real humility to take a look. For some folks, it's too much to take in and so…they run. Rather than opening their heart, fully, so that their spouse can see and forgive them as they do the same for their life partner, they would rather ditch out and create a façade with someone else…oftentimes only to repeat this same mistake over…and over…and over again.
That's why I will die on the hill, happily so, that if you are single, reading this and you know that you absolutely suck at forgiveness, marriage isn't for you. Because if you ask any healthy married couple who's gone past the newlywed stage, if there is one thing they will boldly attest to, it's the fact that marriage is a test in forgiveness that is given…almost constantly. And it takes a really mature person to be able to handle that.
What You Should Process About Forgiveness Before Ending Your Marriage
Something that I'm really big on are signs. If when you saw the title of this piece, what stood out to you was "tough times", first I wanna say that ALL COUPLES go through them. Just like Mother Nature reminds us that we've got to accept the winter as well as the summer seasons and so, the best thing that we can do is simply prepare for them, the reason why traditional marriage vows say things like "for richer or for poorer" and "in sickness and in health" is because marriages have seasons too (check out "This Will Get You Through The 'Ho-Hum Seasons' In Your Relationship" and "The 'Seasons Of Sex' That Married People Go Through"). Because some people are so addicted to being happy all of the time, when challenges come, sometimes they are really ill-equipped for the difficult moments in their relationship — and so, to them, the solution is to end it when far more times than not, the remedy is to forgive.
Because when you really stop to think about it, when a married couple decide to divorce, oftentimes what they are declaring is they've got no more forgiveness in them to offer. And while in certain circumstances, that is understandable, oftentimes, again, if the purpose of marriage was reiterated (learning how to love in a very profoundly spiritual way) and the concept of perfecting forgiveness was brought back into the conversation, couples could — and would — actually go the distance, far often than many of them do (choose to do).
If husbands and wives both decided, "You know what? God loves me through all of my mess. I want to learn to love like that", there's no telling how much the divorce rate would rapidly decrease. There really isn't. Is this a "calculus-level love lesson"? Chile, one thousand and 10 percent. It doesn't change the reality, though, which is, again, there are very few acts that are as profoundly needed, divinely inspired and relationally miraculous as forgiveness. If you and yours are going through it right now, as I once heard actor Loretta Devine's character say on a television series, "It's just the weather. Give it a minute and it will pass." Oftentimes, if we'd just be a little more patience, hard times really do pass.
And what makes them so much easier to endure in the meantime — is forgiveness. The more you forgive your spouse, the safer they feel around you. The more they forgive you, the safer you can feel around them. And when two people feel safe with each other — love, respect and peace can abide in some really significant ways. That's why I really do believe that forgiveness is the ultimate marriage hack. Hey, don't knock it until you've tried it. Literally.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
Living In A New City And Feeling Nervous About Making Friends? These 6 Tips Can Help
The first big leap was moving to a new city and getting settled into my new home. The next big leap? Was finding community and belonging. Moving to a new city excited me! I looked forward to having my own apartment, decorating it, and exploring what the city had to offer. I also found excitement in the thought of meeting new people and expanding my connections. When it actually came down to it, I felt nervous. I heard that making new friends as an adult can be hard because we all have different responsibilities and schedules that may not align. I knew in order for me to really feel at home in my new city, I had to create community.
Having a community of people who I can share memories with, lean on in times of need, and inspire each other is something I always valued. I took a moment to truly center in on what I desired from the new friends I would make. Then I realized it all would have to start with me. I had to be centered and confident in who I was to attract who I desired to be aligned with. As someone who moved to a new city and established quality friendships, I gathered these six tips that helped me feel grounded and create community in hopes that it will help you, too.
6 tips to start building community and making new friends in a new city:
Sean Anthony Eddy/ Getty Images
Be true to yourself
Do you know who you are? If someone asked you to describe yourself in three words, what words would you use? In order to develop deep friendships, you must be a friend to yourself first. Know what refuels you and what zaps your energy. Self-study your habits and why you do the things you do. All this will be important to keep in mind when looking to create bonds with others. Every day there’s all kinds of people telling you who you should be, how you should act, or what you should wear. At the end of the day, the only opinion about yourself that truly matters is your own. Spend some alone time with yourself indoors or out at an event you like to truly discover who you are in this season of your life.
Pray about it
Before you step out into the world and cross paths with all kinds of people, it’s important to pray about building your community. God outlines what true friendship looks like in numerous Bible verses such as "Iron sharpens iron." - Proverbs 27:17 and “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.” - Ecclesiastes 4:9-12. If you desire friendships that last, pray about what you seek in friendship. I remember praying for mentally stable, happy, and whole women who moved through life with abundance mindsets. Take a moment to journal about the community you want to build and then pray on it.
Go to fun events to meet people who share your interests
Most metropolitan cities like Washington, D.C., New York City, and Atlanta are known to have strong young professional communities and events where you can connect with others. I highly encourage you to attend events in or near your community to see what the city is like and meet people. It’s likely that the people at the event have the same interests as you, which is a great way to start a conversation. You can start by searching for events on Eventbrite or following Instagram pages that highlight events happening in your city.
Carlos Barquero/ Getty Images
Accept that you won’t be compatible with everyone you meet
While living in your new city, it’s likely you’ll meet a variety of people. Please know that everyone you meet will not bud into lasting friendships, and that’s okay! You are uniquely created and not made for everyone. Then you’ll meet people who are good for only surface-level connections, and then you’ll have your girls who you can get deep with. I think sometimes people can look down on surface-level friendships, but not everyone needs to fully know you. That’s a privilege to have and to accept within yourself. Continue to check in with yourself and be real about who you crave to spend more time with and who is nice to see for a monthly or quarterly catch-up.
Join Facebook groups & GroupMe chats
If you haven’t used Facebook in a couple of years, it’s time to dust your profile off. Facebook Groups is a great place to join online communities for people who just moved to a new city like you. Typically, you have to agree to the group’s guidelines, and then you can join. For example, you can search for groups in the Facebook app by using keywords like women, Black girl, or [the name of your city] foodies. With the GroupMe app, you’ll have to be invited to join an already existing group. While you’re out and about networking, don’t hesitate to ask if they’re in any online groups/communities they recommend you join too.
Be friendly to folks in your neighborhood
When I first moved to my new apartment, I spent the first week walking around the complex and working in the community spaces to get a better feel of it. I was able to meet people in my neighborhood, enjoy small talk, and learn more about what the community has to offer. Step outside of your comfort zone and work in your apartment’s community space or a local coffee shop to connect with others.
Overall, you may feel alone in your new city, but I guarantee you’re not. There are other people experiencing living in a new city too, and all you need to do is find each other. I hope these tips help ease the nervous feelings you have about building a new community and inspire you to make a new friend today!
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