
If You're Not In Love With Being Single, Ask Yourself These 6 Questions

Maybe it's because Disney made sure that Cinderella, Snow White, Ariel from The Little Mermaid, Princess Jasmine from Aladdin and Tiana from The Princess and the Frog all had love interests. Maybe it's because far too many so-called singles ministries in churches seem to be more about how to get a man (or how to complain in a "godly way" about not having one) than how to buy a house or start a business. Maybe it's the daily programming of being in a relationship, period that has so many of us struggling with being single.
I mean, even our tax forms indicate that unless we are married, we are single but even if we've only been on three dates with someone, we're quick to not want to refer to ourselves as a single woman. It's like "single" is some sort of back-handed compliment on a good day, a dirty cuss word on a bad one. What's up with that?
As someone who will be 45 in June and is currently (and peacefully) single, personally, I think a lot of us struggle with singleness because, overall, it hasn't been presented to us as the immense gift and blessing that it really and truly is.
I mean, just think about it—all of us come into the world as single human beings, so even God himself finds merit in it. Yet religion, pop culture, even our own loved ones tend to act like the single status is nothing more than a placeholder until we get ourselves together and actually start living our lives…with someone.
Me? These days, whenever someone asks me why I'm still single, my answer is simple—"When a man can love me the way I know I can love a man, I'm good." I mean that too. I got to this place by asking the following questions and then getting real with myself about what my answers were vs. what they needed to be.
Struggling With Being Single? Read This.
Question #1: Do You Think Life Begins AFTER Being with Someone?
I can't tell you how many times I've spoken to a single woman about all of things she wants to do—after she gets married. "I want to go to Italy. Maybe I'll do it for my honeymoon," or "I've always wanted a diamond pendant. Maybe my future husband will get it for me one day."
A lot of wives have given me a front seat into their marriage. And you know what they all can agree on? A lot of the things that they thought would be easier or even better after marriage, aren't. Merging lives requires a sacrifice of time and money. It also means you are in a constant state of compromise. Suppose your husband hates to fly or getting a new house is more important to him than a piece of jewelry?
Ask any healthy married individual and they will tell you that a person should come into your life to complement it, not to fill some void. And in order to be a good fit, you have to already have some things going on so that they complement you well. Is your life so full that it's like an action movie trailer for how much BIGGER a man's life would be if he became a part of it? If not, why not?
Question #2: Have You Been Told That You Idealize Marriage Too Much?
There's a married couple that I know who've pretty much been miserable ever since the day they said, "I do." As a single person, the husband was a mega casanova and the wife was controlling as all get out. He was a dreamer and she was an established entrepreneur. They didn't have the same views on gender roles or children. But somehow, they—especially she—thought that marriage was going to make everything better. However, the reality is marriage only magnifies whatever issues you already had (individually and in your relationship) already. To think that marriage is gonna make imperfect things perfect is an idealistic—which is typically code for unrealistic—point of view.
That's why, whenever a single person tells me that they want to get married because they want someone to love them, it makes me cringe the same way as when a teenager tells me they want to have a baby. First, it's too much pressure to expect an imperfect person or a baby to fill voids in your life. Second, relationships and kids will take a lot out of you; that's why you need to give out of surplus not lack.
If you want to get married because The Cosby Show and rom-coms are the bar for how you see marriage, praise the Lord right now for keeping you single. The reality check of what real marriage looks like would probably take you out. (It causes folks to file for divorce on a daily basis.)
Question #3: What Would Being in a Relationship Improve in Your World?
Some of my friends laugh at me because sometimes I'll say, "Pray for me. I really want a penis right now." Some of them will think they are correcting me and say, "You mean a husband?" but no—sometimes I mean just a penis.
I'm at a place in my life where I'd prefer to be married before having sex again, yes. BUT I'll be honest and say that I'm also at a place in my life where having a best friend in the form of a sex partner is the main reason why marriage appeals to me. Meaning, I really like my life the way that it is. I don't attend weddings wondering when it will be my turn. I'm not freaking out about being 40 with no kids; my godchildren provide plenty of responsibility. I ADORE the male friends in my life; they give me a lot of the male companionship that I need.
All in all, having a husband would be a blessing and should God bring me to one (Genesis 2:22), I'm sure it will serve a great purpose. For now, though, as far as improving the quality of my life goes? Aside from some earth-shattering orgasms (le sigh), he'd have some pretty big shoes to fill. Life, as a single woman, is pretty golden right about now. Just as the single life should be.
Question #4: Have You Thought About All of the Benefits That Come with Being Single?
Something else that I notice with a lot of the couples I work with is they didn't really want to get married; they wanted to have sex and not be alone. Marriage is A LOT more than that, though.
Sometimes, when I'm listening to the complaints that they have, what I really hear is, "I wish I was still single"—He doesn't keep the house as clean as I would like; She's always expecting me to want to go to her work events; He is too stingy with money; She's always mad that I don't turn in at the same time she does. What a lot of this boils down to is one person sees life one way while their partner sees it another. Oftentimes, there are no right or wrongs, just different. But if you don't want to find some common ground and compromise, you can always stay single.
Every time a wife calls me about having to wake up early to help her husband do something around the house or wishing they could do something that isn't currently in the budget, I hear her out, get off of the phone and do a little jig. Right now, my money is mine—ALL MINE. My time is mine—ALL MINE.
Marriage has its perks. It also has its sacrifices. Ones that don't have to be made while I'm a single woman.
Question #5: Where’s Your Single Living Bucket List?
Speaking of compromise, I share something my mother often says because it's a very profound pearl of wisdom—"Do everything you can't compromise before you get married." No matter how much you desire long-term companionship, there are going to be things that are so much easier to do while you are a single woman.(I'm not the only one who feels that way either. Check out what one of my married friends had to say to us single women about the benefits of our relational status here.)
So, instead of thinking about (or obsessing over) all of the things that you don't have because you're not married (yet), reflect instead on all of the things you can accomplish because you're single. Wanna start a business? The sacrifice of your time alone makes it easier to do while you're single. Want to take a trip around the world? There is no one you need to run that by first (or try and convince to get on board) while you're single. Wanna take a road trip with your best guy friend? There's no time like the present (plus, it's far more appropriate to do right now too!).
When you start thinking about all of the things being single frees you up to do, the list of possibilities become so long that it honestly has you too busy to pine over when you'll get hemmed up—I'm sorry, I mean get married (LOL).
Question #6: Do You Feel Like You NEED a Mate?
This right here is an article all on its own and maybe one day I'll expound on it. For now, I'll just say that the quality of my life got so much better when I got to a point and place where I WANTED a man to love me, not NEEDED him to. It wasn't a man or relationship that brought me to this conclusion, it was actually the practice of minimalism.
When you start to adapt the mindset of a minimalist, you start to learn that wants and needs are very different. A want is something I wish for or desire, which is fine, but a need? A need is something that my life requires. I need water. I need money to pay my bills. I want another car. I want to get paid more for some of the work that I do. See the difference? What I want would make life more comfortable but I'm not gonna die (or even struggle really) without it.
If you read all of that and is still looking at your screen like, "OK…but I will die without a husband," this is one more reason why it's a good thing that you are still single. Thinking that you can't live without someone is giving them (or that kind of relationship) far too much power. It's setting them up to be an idol and no human being should hold that kind of place and position in your life.
You NEED to feel loved? You've got God, your family, and friends, and you to do that.
A woman who finds peace in that is a woman who is in a healthy single state of mind.
Ironically, it's also that kind of woman who is far more equipped for marriage too. You will not die without a man. But you can't start really living your life until you realize and accept that. Love yourself and your status too much to hate being single. Then watch how much bigger and better your world becomes because of it. I'm living proof. Singleness filled with all kinds of underrated dopeness. It really is.
Love yourself and your status too much to hate being single. Then watch how much bigger and better your world becomes because of it. I'm living proof. Singleness filled with all kinds of underrated dopeness. It really is.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Eva Marcille On Starring In 'Jason’s Lyric Live' & Being An Audacious Black Woman
Eva Marcille has taken her talents to the stage. The model-turned-actress is starring in her first play, Jason’s Lyric Live alongside Allen Payne, K. Michelle, Treach, and others.
The play, produced by Je’Caryous Johnson, is an adaptation of the film, which starred Allen Payne as Jason and Jada Pinkett Smith as Lyric. Allen reprised his role as Jason for the play and Eva plays Lyric.
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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You Might Be Slowing Down Your Metabolism...Without Even Knowing It
Welp. This is definitely the time of year when you are going to see all kinds of commercials for body sculpting, all sorts of social media posts about how to get your body in shape, and tons of articles on how to pick the type of bathing suit that suits your body type. As I was thinking about all of these things, I figured that this would be as great a time as any to discuss something that can help you attain your personal summertime body goals: metabolism.
A fast metabolism? It can help you burn calories. A slow metabolism? It makes that a more challenging effort.
So, let’s take a deeper look into what metabolism is all about and what you might be doing, perhaps without even noticing, that could be slowing down your metabolism, which could make getting the results that you desire more difficult than it actually has — or needs — to be.
The Truth About Your Metabolism
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Although metabolism is a word that is brought up quite a bit, both online and off, in order to fully understand why yours may be faster or slower, it’s a good idea to know exactly what metabolism is.
A simple way to explain it is metabolism is a chemical process in your body that determines how your body turns food and drinks into actual energy. Since you need energy in order to literally function, this is why learning about your own metabolism is an essential thing to do.
For instance, did you know that whenever you eat, your digestive system uses enzymes to turn fats into fatty acids, carbs into simple sugars, and proteins into amino acids — and all of these things can be relied upon for energy? And although several factors within your system play a role in how fast or slow your metabolism may be (your thyroid certainly tops the list, by the way), there are certain things that you may be doing that could be speeding up or slowing down your metabolism as well.
Now before I get into what some of those things are, I think it should also go on record that if you want to know more about metabolism because you’re ready to shed a few pounds, while metabolism certainly plays a role in how fast you do or don’t burn calories, tweaking habits in order to speed up your metabolism won’t automatically help you to reach your weight loss goals alone. You also need to adjust your diet, exercise, get plenty of rest, lower your stress levels, and be intentional about not taking in more calories than you burn on a daily basis.
Still, since we do know that people who burn calories faster don’t have to count them as much and having a faster metabolism can also do things like slow down premature aging and build more muscle mass, it can never hurt to know what you may be (inadvertently) doing that could be causing you to have a sluggish metabolism. That way, you can make a few adjustments in order to get the metabolic results that you want.
And in the efforts to help you to do just that, here are 10 ways that you may be slowing down your own metabolism.
10 Things That Could Be Slowing Down Your Metabolism
1. Consuming Too Little Protein
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There’s a pretty big reason why not having enough protein in your system can result in you ending up with a sluggish metabolism. The reality is your body uses protein in order to build and increase muscle mass, to keep your bones strong, to grow and renew your body cells and tissues, and to give your body the energy it needs in order to function properly and burn fat.
This is why it’s essential to consume somewhere around 0.36 grams of protein per pound on a daily basis.
2. Drinking Too Much Sugary Stuff
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If you want to speed up your metabolism, consider drinking some green tea. If you want to know what drinks could be slowing down your metabolism, that would be the sugary stuff like soda. Although having one every once in a while won’t do any real damage, too much fructose or sucrose can ultimately lead to inflammation, fat accumulation, and it can throw your metabolism off, too.
So, if sweet drinks are your thing, try and consume no more than one a day; then follow that with a glass of water, for you and your metabolism’s sake.
3. Being Dehydrated
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Since you’re made up of mostly water, it makes all the sense in the world that you should be proactive about avoiding dehydration. Also, since your metabolism begins at a cellular level and water carries oxygen, the more water that is in your system, the easier it is for your metabolism to have the energy that it needs in order to work effectively. And how much water do you need on a daily basis?
Some health experts say that 11 cups (not glasses, cups) a day, if you’re a woman (15 if you’re a man), should get you what you need.
4. Keeping Your Thermostat Too High
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Although you’ve probably heard somewhere that your metabolism kicks up when you feel hot, there is something that you should keep in mind. When it’s time to turn in for the evening, you actually should keep your bedroom on the cooler side. The method to the madness is when the temp is somewhere in the late 60s, that will cause your body to have to work harder to keep you warm, and that will send your metabolism into a bit of an overdrive.
Since cooler rooms are proven to improve your quality of sleep overall, why not try it for a couple of nights? See how it makes you feel.
5. Avoiding a Consistent Exercise Regimen
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Hands down, something that helps to keep your metabolism going is a regular workout routine. If you make a point to do consistent strength training and resistance exercises, that can help your body to build muscle over time which, in turn, burns calories. Women’s Health has some specific exercises that can help you to give your metabolism a boost. You can check them out here.
6. Needing a Calcium Supplement
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If you’re someone who takes supplements, look on the back of your labels to make sure that there is calcium on one of the bottles. Calcium helps to keep your bones and teeth strong, it helps your hormones and enzymes to do what they need to do and it’s also a nutrient that boosts your metabolism, so that it’s easier for your body to burn fat.
7. Cooking with Too Much Sea Salt
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If you like to cook with sea salt, something that you might want to keep in mind is the fact that it could slow your metabolism down some. The backstory on this is that sea salt doesn’t contain iodine in the way that most standard table salt does, and that can be potentially problematic because your body needs iodine in order to keep your thyroid healthy, so that you are able to have more energy. The more you know. The more you freakin’ know.
8. Being Sleep-Deprived
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The more I study about how beneficial a good night’s rest is, the more I see just how detrimental sleep deprivation can be, in pretty much every way. Take your metabolism, for example. When you don’t get 6-8 hours of shut-eye on a consistent basis, it can throw your hormone levels off, which can directly impact how fast your metabolism moves. And since, reportedly, your metabolism automatically slows down 15 percent at night anyway, all of this is a smart thing to keep in mind when it comes to eating late at night.
Indeed, less rest and midnight meals can definitely help you to pack the pounds on.
9. Erratic Meal Times
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Lawd. If there is something that I personally need to make sure to keep in check, it’s this point because, when I’m in a zone while hammering away on my laptop, it can be really easy to lose track of time, and that can do a real number on my metabolism. Here’s why: One thing that your body does is provide fuel for you to have enough energy to get through the day. When your meal times are consistent, your body knows how to process your calories by burning them; however, when your eating times are all over the place, your system doesn’t know whether to burn calories or store them up.
So, if you want your metabolism to be stabilized, eating (especially) main meals need to happen at relatively the same time every day.
10. Not Eating Enough
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One more. If you are indeed trying to ramp up your metabolism in order to shed a few pounds, please don’t do that by starving yourself. Although it is indeed true that in order to lose weight, you should cut back a bit on your caloric intake, if you’re eating too little, your body will think that it needs to slow down your metabolism in order to hold onto the food that is already in your system for a while longer.
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Ain’t it wild how so many simple things can cause pseudo complications for our metabolism? That’s the bad news. The good news is that if you’re willing to make some minor adjustments, you can probably rev your metabolism up, just in time for the plans that you have for your body before summer officially arrives!
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