Many things work-related have gotten more weird and annoying post-pandemic. From the awkward mental debates about whether to turn your camera on during Zoom meetings (I often don't), to those team members who still always seem to be disinterested, disgruntled, or mentally distracted, to reports of companies now gaslighting employees to come back to the office after they've raved about putting wellness first and allowing professionals to work remotely---several major aspects of everyday work culture have become a wacky hot mess.
And let's add "networking" to that wacky list.
10'000 Hours/Getty Images
I absolutely love connecting with other women. It's something that fuels me and makes me feel like I'm not alone in the world, especially when it comes to the work that I do. Post-pandemic networking, though, has looked like a struggle.
It would take more fingers than I actually have to count how many times I've been ghosted, made to feel like a fool for giving energetic, down-to-earth vibes to the wrong snob, or been forced to simply make a choice not to waste my time due to a half-ass attempt to use me for a favor or hook up.
Research has shown that the pandemic did a number on our social circles and connections, with professional and personal networks decreasing by 16%, and while that might not seem like a large number, think about the fact that many of us only have three or less close friends and only 2 out of 10 adults have a work bestie. (Hey, maybe that's why most popular "girlfriends" shows like And Just Like That..., Run the World, and Harlem always cap at four friends, and even that's been in jeopardy with one always seeming to "move away" during the course of the shows.)
It's been more than three years after the whole world officially shut down and we're still struggling with being ghosted by current and potential friends, business contacts, and acquaintances. And this is concerning considering that social capital is vital for not only career success but overall life fulfillment.
How many of us have actually connected another young woman to someone else who they might learn and grow from or who they might be compatible with as a potential friend? How many of us have agreed to call someone (not text or send an IG DM) to have a conversation just because?
How many of us have gone to so-called networking events or conferences, smiled for the IG photo ops, shared our deepest desires, insecurities, and life stories, only to go home and never talk to one another again?
I find it strange that someone would literally have lunch with you, tell their whole life story, and give you their email address or phone number, only to never follow through on keeping in touch. Where they do that at? Maybe I'm old-school, but I don't waste time having hour-long personal conversations with folk if I genuinely don't want to connect or potentially become friends.
Well, if you're in the same boat as me, frustrated about how lame networking has become post-pandemic, here are a few tips that I'm going to challenge you (and myself) to do instead of letting bitterness and frustration win.
Klaus Vedfelt/Getty Images
1. If you're networking exclusively for business purposes, keep it real and stop treading the line between professional and personal.
I've never been a huge fan of networking in the traditional sense---a forced waste of time that oftentimes does not lead to authentic or long-lasting connections. You know that whole version of networking where someone walks up to you to ask you 50 questions centered on what you do, how long you've been doing it, and how they can work with you. Or worse, when someone skips the disingenuous pleasantries and simply shoves their resume, business pitch, or card in your face (whether verbally or on paper), and asks you for a job, favor, or to "partner up." (Sis, we don't even know one another.)
Get clear on the difference between networking and connecting. Every interaction with every human being at an event doesn't have to be about making money or what someone can do for you, but if that's your prime purpose for networking, be honest with yourself about that and get strategic in your approach and the types of events you attend.
In this case, instead of leading with that personal story about your family, something you're struggling with, gossip about others at the event, or your very personal life story, keep the interaction focused on professional aspects of why you do the work you do, how someone can contact you, and why it would even make sense to talk business with that person in the first place. If you don't have a why, do your research beforehand and be more strategic so that you don't send mixed messages or make a terrible first impression.
2. Be deliberate about making new connections and actually commit to doing your part to maintain authentic relationships.
Here's a hard truth: Many of us do not like telling people no. We have a hard time not only speaking up for ourselves as much as we should, but we also fear letting people down. Some of us just don't want to say no because we don't want to miss out on a potential opportunity, so we overextend ourselves.
It's one thing to cancel due to an emergency or to offer proper notice a few times when you can no longer show up. It's another to be that strange person who never does what she says she will when it comes to actually building a relationship---business or otherwise---with another woman.
Please, stop. It does more damage than good to say you're going to call someone, keep in touch, or schedule time with someone only to dodge them like they're a pesky ex or bill collector. Simply say no and stop inviting folk when you know you have no business doing so.
Check your calendar before inviting someone out or saying yes to meeting up with someone. Find out what the meeting will be about, and be sure you're actually interested in doing whatever the other person wants to do during that meet-up. Be clear on whether they're someone you actually want to know before saying yes.
And when you do say yes, have the discipline to follow through. Hey, we all get tired or overwhelmed, but we certainly show up for what's important to us regardless. That whole "I agreed on Monday, but now that it's Friday, I don't feel like it," is tired.
If you really want to revive your social life, make new connections, or you really value the friends and contacts you have, be deliberate about that follow-through and make it a habit. Evaluate how you're managing your time, what your values are, and goals are when it comes to your social life, and what makes you happy about having friends within your community or industry.
Jamie Grill/Getty Images
3. Find other ways to connect and keep in touch that work for your busy schedule or lifestyle.
If it's a commitment to have lunch once a month, put it on your calendar and show up. Can't attend a wedding or a birthday dinner? Send a gift with a handwritten note or card. Want to hang out but don't like clubbing or drinking? Plan the next girls' night out (or in) and let your friends know how you feel (or maybe even find another set of friends to do things you like to do. I mean, maybe your idea of fun just isn't their cup of tea).
If you spent the whole conference weekend with someone, going to every panel or breakout session together and having drinks afterward, actually email, text, or call them when it's over and schedule a virtual tea or another way to connect again.
Send a card of congrats if you see them celebrate an accomplishment on IG or elsewhere. Get beyond just lurking on IG Stories after meeting them and try a personal gesture that says you want to be friends or at least that you're attempting to keep in touch.
Share events announcements, top news articles, or other useful information that reflects that you actually are thinking of a potential friend or contact and want to keep building. Support their events or businesses through action, not just a like on a post.
Ya'll, we have to put a stop to the way things are going with networking nowadays. There are major mental health, career advancement, and developmental benefits to being social, having friends, and interacting with your peers. Let's start making friendships and authentic professional connections a priority. Our long-term success as powerful Black women depends on it.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Delmaine Donson/Getty Images
RELATED
So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
It’s not like it has to be a bad thing. In fact, studies say that somewhere around 15 percent of engaged couples actually met through a friend. All I’m saying is, before you entertain someone’s “I’ve got someone I want you to meet” invitation, it would benefit you to interview them first — for the sake of all parties involved.
The questions that I recommend asking? The following six are what I think can get everyone on the same page, so that there is more pleasure than regret from the hook-up attempt.
1. Why Are They So Invested?
GiphyTwo things that I recently watched over again are the series Survivor’s Remorse (the writing is so damn good) and a movie called Trapped in Temptation (both are currently on Tubi). Something that both of them made me think about is the fact that motive reveals a lot when it comes to why people say and do the things that they do.
When it comes to the movie, specifically, without giving the film away — let me just say that, if you are in a relationship, be really careful about listening to individuals who try to talk you out of maintaining it. More times than not, the motive is shady as hell. And honestly, sometimes people who are close to obsessed with you being in one deserve a bit of side-eye too.
Now, if it’s someone who loves all things love, they are in love and they want you to experience something similar — that’s sweet. Just make sure that they are approaching the set up from a healthy space. What I mean by that is they don’t see singleness as some sort of relational handicap or they aren’t trying to override what you want for your life as if they somehow know better (there are so many ways to be a control freak, y’all).
Hmph. Now that I think about it — make sure that the set-up crew isn’t trying to use you to “save” some male friend or relative of theirs. I say that because I once knew a mother whose son had — count ‘em — 10 kids and she was FOREVER trying to get me to date him. Girl, that wasn’t for me. She was looking for a Holy Ghost Jr. for that child of hers. I’ll pass. HARD PASS.
Bottom line with this one — if someone wants to set you up with someone else, the first thing to ask is why? Make sure to really listen to what their answer is. Then pay attention to if your mind, body and spirit are at peace with their answer(s).
2. Do They Know What You Want?
GiphyI don’t know about y’all, but the people (and let’s be honest, by far, it’s usually women) who have tried to set me up with someone? They didn’t even know what my preferences or type was. Hell, they didn’t even know my thoughts or timeline as it relates to being in a serious relationship were either. And what that boils down to is they were trying to hook me up based on their agenda, not mine — and that usually meant that the guys who they came up with? Yeah…I was good on them. LOL.
Yeah, if someone wants to hook you up, you definitely should ask them if they know what you are looking for in a guy when it comes to his looks, personality, passions, spirituality, relational desires and goals, location, etc. Because, indeed, what is the point in going out with someone who is fine as hell and yet, you want kids and he doesn’t (or vice versa) or who has a great personality yet he isn’t even in the same ballpark of your spiritual beliefs?
If your friend really wants to help you out, valuing your time should come with that — and that means bringing someone into your life who complements your lifestyle. No wiggle room here.
3. Are They Aware of Your Deal-Breakers?
GiphyLast year, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Should Bad Sex Actually Be A Relationship Deal-Breaker?” The thing that I think needs to go on record about deal-breakers is they aren’t exactly standards that you have. No, a deal-breaker is something that can’t be worked out even after trying to negotiate or compromise. When it comes to relationships, a deal-breaker might be how long two people should date before becoming exclusive or getting engaged. Another deal-breaker might be if being religious is more important than being spiritual and how that manifests itself (church or no church, etc.). And yes, another deal-breaker may be what each other’s sexual needs and expectations are.
When someone is setting you up, it is imperative that they know about your standards. For instance, for me, I am not interested in dating a divorced person, pretty much ever (I Corinthians 7:10-11). I’ve had friends who have tried to hook me up with that demographic before and it has always been a moot effort. The fact that some of them have gotten frustrated with my convictions has absolutely nothing to do with me. Some have tried to get me to compromise my deal-breakers too — like a long-distance relationship. Is it a firm “naw”? No. However, it’s not really something that I am interested in, so why not just…recommend someone local?
Yeah, if someone thinks that they know you well enough to hook you up, they absolutely should be well-versed in what your deal-breakers are before they do. And if they’ve never asked, all they are doing is assuming — and we know what that typically means. LOL.
4. What Is Their Track Record?
GiphyIt’s kind of wild that we now live in a time when more couples meet online than they do through “old-fashioned ways” like via their friends (although some reports say that Gen Z is getting back to that) — and yet, here we are. Still, if you are willing to let someone play pseudo matchmaker in your life, you are well within your rights to inquire about their track record in that department. Have they hooked others up, successfully, before? Has any of their “Cupid work” caused both people to get exactly what they wanted out of the situation? If/when things went awry, why was that?
I know someone who is constantly trying to hook people up. Thing is, maybe 10-15 percent (no joke) of their efforts have proven to be positive and fruitful — and we’re talking about close to close to two decades of them doing it. Listen, time is too precious to be out here doing stuff ONLY to please other people. That said, if someone wants you to devote some time to one of their grand ideas, you are well within your rights to ask about their past and current success score when it comes to it.
5. Can They Keep Their Own Feelings Out of It?
GiphyWanna know if someone who is offering to do something for you is actually doing it more for themselves? If they try to make it be about them when things don’t go the way they would like, that is a dead ringer. An example? They post a message about you on social media and then question you about why you didn’t do the same thing in return. Another example? They do something for you and then throw it in your face during an argument. Still another example? They set you up with someone, it doesn’t work out, and suddenly you’ve put them in a weird spot. No dear — you put your own self in that position by trying to hook two people up in the first place.
I promise you, it will spare everyone unnecessary energy spent (or even drama experienced) if, before you agree to be hooked up, you get the matchmaker on record stating that they will keep their emotions out of it as much as possible. MEANING — they will do the introductions and then let the chips fall where they may. If they can’t do this, my two cents (save it or spend it) would be to decline the offer. Because all you need is someone texting you about why you haven’t called their cousin back or having an attitude with you when you break up with some guy at their church who they thought was the perfect catch (P.S. These aren’t hypothetical examples — LOL).
6. Will They Respect Your Boundaries? Start to Finish?
GiphyYeah, this final one is a biggie. Just because someone sets you up with another person, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily mean that they should have the right to the details of the dynamic. I don’t care if it’s the first date or the 10th date. I don’t care if you decide to just be sex buddies or to have a full-blown relationship. I don’t care if you stay together or break-up — it’s your relationship which makes it your business. Whatever you share is privileged data.
Yeah, I would say that probably the most challenging thing about being hooked up by someone you know is they have a tendency to think that they are a part of the relationship too — and that is a lie. If things go well beyond a couple of dates, you and the guy should discuss what you will both share with the person who introduced you and then agree to stick to that boundary, no matter what. It’s a great way to protect the dynamic, to keep “outside voices” from influencing the growth and to navigate how you want to move, moving forward.
Someone who hooked you up for the right reasons and knows how to honor limits? They will understand. Will they ask questions? Absolutely. Will they pry? Nah.
___
Should you sit and let someone hook you up? I mean, you never know how your blessing will come. Just make sure that they are prepared for you to do some digging into their mindset before they start sweetly meddling into your love life.
It’s only fair. Hell, and right. LOL.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by PeopleImages/Shutterstock