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Time Is Currency: 'I Gave Up Thousands To Keep My Remote Position'
Workers across the nation are pushing back against companies' widespread rollback of remote positions after the pandemic revolutionized the way we work. For nearly three years, workers settled into a new routine that included Zoom calls, comfy clothes, and a short commute from the bed to their workspace. Yet, fast-forward to today, companies are reversing course and pushing the return to the office and on-site meetings, luring workers with promises of the benefits of face time with their boss and employers and sometimes even higher salaries.
A report from LinkedIn shows the number of job openings offering remote work is declining. In March 2022, remote-focused listings accounted for more than 20% of job postings, but that number dropped to 14% in November of that same year.
And still, workers are saying "no” to returning to the office after years of adapting to remote work and proving they can effectively and efficiently complete their jobs from home. Many are refusing to once again get in their cars for long commutes and once again outfit their closets with business wear.
xoNecole spoke to two women about their experience navigating the once remote-friendly environments that are quickly morphing into hybrid or full-time in-office roles.
Dalal
Dalal calls herself a “pandemic cliché.” The journalist left Atlanta with her laptop in hand and returned to her hometown in Chicago at the start of the pandemic, not knowing it would be years before she returned. She moved home to pitch in more, joining the nearly one-fifth of U.S. workers who are caregivers in their families, according to the Rosalynn Carter Institute.
After being at home for nearly two years, she got the call to return to the Atlanta office and found herself reluctant to return. "I started to explore the possibility of staying remote," Dalal shares. "I was immediately offered a job that paid more and was local in Chicago."
Q: Initially, you hesitated about returning to the office but then found an in-office opportunity that on paper, looked too good to pass up and still allowed you to stay in the same city as your family. How did you reconcile going back to the office and the return to the same in-office pressures you had left behind?
A: I lasted three months in that new in-office role before I put in my notice. I actually went back to my previous company and was offered a remote role if I came back as a freelancer. As a freelancer, the pay is lower, there’s less stability, and your salary is solely based on the days you work, and I gave up vacation time. But now, I am able to say “no.” No, when I need to take my mom to a doctor's appointment. No, I don't want to do the 4 a.m. shift. If I had stayed full-time with my steady office job, I wouldn’t have that flexibility.
"Now, I am able to say 'no.' No, when I need to take my mom to a doctor's appointment. No, I don't want to do the 4 a.m. shift. If I had stayed full-time with my steady office job, I wouldn't have that flexibility."
Q: After going from remote to an in-office job and then back to remote, what benefits did you find in remaining WFH?
A: Having that quiet time alone to focus on my position. My quality of work didn’t go down, it went up. Not only can I do this job, but I can do it really well without [the] distractions that come along with the office space where everybody is freaking out about 40 different things. There are people coming to your desk asking for things that are not so immediate, and it gets to the point where you can't really focus on the work.
Working remotely, you can literally turn off your phone, mute team chats, and start to learn to prioritize what is important and what is not.
Anchiy/Getty Images
Q: Are there any regrets about losing or missing out on that in-office experience?
A: You always see job opportunities out there. I could be making so much more if I move to New York or back to D.C. But then, I’ll also be paying $2,400 a month in rent, which I'm not doing now. Then there are the other expenses, during the gas crisis, it would have cost me $3-400 a month. Then there are the silly things, like if I get hungry, I just go make myself a sandwich. Whereas in the office, I’d maybe spend $15 a day on lunch just to have that peace of mind away from my colleagues. Also, there’s the added cost of dressing professionally, which is something I really had to worry about in D.C. that I don't have to worry about at home.
Q: In the push to get workers back in the office, is there anything you feel like employers actually lose out on?
A: During the pandemic, people became available all of the time. Let's say my shift starts at 7 in the morning, but if you text me at 6:30 a.m. I still might respond because the lines are more blurred at home and not as concrete as working an 8-hour shift in the office and going home and turning off your work phone.
Q: We’re seeing massive layoffs and a rapid decline in remote roles. How should other workers approach staying firm with their decision to stay remote?
A: In careers that are focused on status, the next big role, or your next big organization, there's always going to be something for you. Opportunities always evolve. You just have to figure out the balance between what's most important at that point in your life. Be confident in the work that you're doing and your abilities, and constantly put yourself out there. Don’t be scared.
Chelsea
Traditionally, tech workers have had a wealth of access to remote roles even before the pandemic. Today, that dynamic stretches across both occupations and demographics across the board. Flexibility is now in demand, and despite the efforts of employers to win employees back into the physical workplace, Americans are keen to remain at home no matter the cost. A study by Goodhire found that 61% of those surveyed would take a pay cut to maintain remote working status.
xoNecole spoke to a tech professional, Chelsea, an operations project manager, on navigating the now-changing landscape for tech workers who once had the upper hand in remote roles.
Q: What’s your experience been like in tech?
A: I've been remote most of my career with heavy travel, so while I'm not in an office, half the month I'm either on site or in a different city. The tech world crumbled during the pandemic, and I got laid off twice. I ended up taking a great role at the end of 2020 that financially was the most I've ever made.
Q: So you’ve finally landed this incredible role. What happened when the call to go back into the office came?
A: I got anxious. Initially, this company sold the job as a remote role, and then a year in, they said we’re going back into the office.
Q: Wow! So they misrepresented the job? How did you handle going into this role thinking you would be remote and then being called into an office you were never supposed to see the inside of?
A: It's manipulative, but I think that it's going to happen more and more as we get further away from the pandemic. After it was announced we would be going back, I got anxious! I was in a unit that called itself innovative and prided itself by saying they would remain remote. But companywide, there was a mandate to return to the office, and that included my unit.
On top of that, I struggled with connecting with my coworkers. They were all a lot older than me, they were all married and just at a different stage of life, and there wasn't much diversity. So even though I was remote and it was a great role, I was miserable thinking about returning to the office with people I did not connect with.
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Q: How did you handle essentially being told remote work was no longer an option and you would have to go into the office?
A: I made a bold move and reached out to a company I’d connected with previously but had turned down. I asked if they would still be interested in me as a candidate. They didn’t have anything immediately but eventually made an offer.
Q: How did the new offer compare to your current one?
A: Overall, it was a 25% pay cut, thousands less, and still, it was a no-brainer for me. It has been the best decision that I have made. It was still fully remote, included travel, and the people have been amazing. I have the best connections with my coworkers even though we’ve never met in person, we still hop on Zoom and cackle together. Despite the pay cut, I’m happy with my choice.
"It was a 25% pay cut, thousands less, and still, it was a no-brainer for me... Despite the pay cut, I'm happy with my choice."
Q: For many, the idea of a pay cut is taking a step back. What were the conversations you had surrounding your decision?
A: My partner is very big on negotiating and not making lateral moves, so it didn’t make sense to him. But this role is a better fit all around, and even though it's less money, you can’t buy happiness.
Q: You accepted a pay cut to remain remote. Why was that important for you?
A: Flexibility! On my calendar today, I blocked off two hours. You know what it's for? A kindergarten graduation. Going back into the office, I would have had to take PTO or check in and let everyone know where I was going and when I would be back. Now, I just put a block on my calendar that says I’m not available. I can work from out of town or go out of the country, and as long as I have my laptop and my phone, I can still get my work done.
On top of that, it’s the realization that eight hours sitting at a desk is not the most productive for me. Sometimes I’m more productive after the traditional hours of 9-5, and being remote gives me that flexibility.
Q: Like so many others, you found yourself at a company that walked back their initial remote policy. Has this new company expressed that they, too, will go that route?
A: We’re a national company with locations across the country, and everyone, including leadership and central team members, work remotely. The only way I go into an office now is when it’s my choice, and I’ve been very frank with my boss that if it was a set requirement to come into the office, I would find another job. I don’t ever see my company going back in the office, and it’s a plus because it allows for a wider pool of talent, and we all bring different ideas and experiences to the team.
Q: What advice can you offer on having the confidence to make choices that not everyone agrees with when it comes to your career and staying in a remote role?
A: I would say, “Don't focus on one single career.” Every kind of career path has remote work, not just tech. Ultimately don't be afraid to leave.
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This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
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The Common Denominator Is You. So, Why Do You Keep Choosing The Wrong Men?
Everywhere you go, there you are. It’s one of those popular sayings (kind of like “It is what it is”) that I find myself using a lot, especially when I’m in sessions with my clients. Why? Well, it’s kind of likean article that I once read that pretty much said our culture likes to play the toxic game of blaming other people because it’s an easy way to deflect from personal accountability (check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”). So true, so true,
Well, another way of saying “everywhere you go, there you are” is using the math term “common denominator” — and today, what we’re going to attempt to tackle is, why is it that some of us, if we stepped back a moment to take a very real and honest assessment of our dating life, do we always end up with the same kind of guy? One who really isn’t the best for us; sometimes, not even close.
Before getting into some questions that I think can help you get to the answer, let me just say that this is definitely one of the kinds of pieces that may step on at least your pinky toe before it’s all said and done. At the same time, although this might not be the most comfortable of reads, keep in mind what the late poet, singer, and publisher Tuli Kupferberg once said, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.”
And so, if when it comes to the caliber of men you’ve dated, what you’ve been doing is revealing that your pattern is not really working for your ultimate good, spend a bit of time trying to unpack just why that could be the case — why, at the end of the day, you truly are the common denominator in it all.
How Self-Aware Are You?
About five years ago, I penned an article for the site entitled “These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily.” You know, of all of the things to be in this life, prioritizing self-awareness is king because self-aware people do things like hold themselves accountable, know their strengths and weaknesses, identify their triggers, have good boundaries, self-reflect, pay attention to their own “blind spots” — and they can — eh hem — take feedback and constructive criticism pretty well.
That last one? If you’re constantly in a hamster wheel or even a cul-de-sac when it comes to men, be honest with yourself: did your family, friends, hell, even your co-workers warn you about some of the guys you dated, and you found yourself either defending, deflecting or getting offended? Yeah, self-aware people don’t get down like that because they would rather have peace and be wrong than act like they are always right and remain in chaos.
So yeah, if you’re always in some foolishness or even in relationships that are simply a counterproductive waste of time, pondering how self-aware you actually are is a really good place to start. Self-reflect. Know your weaknesses. Listen to what others have to say about your tendencies. All of this can do you a whole lot of good.
How Humble Are You?
Society is a wild place, boy. The reason why I say that is because, while it’s out here acting like humility is a bad thing, Scripture says, “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4) And why is humility such a vital spiritual attribute? Because, when you’re humble — you’re grateful; you’re teachable; you’re open to seeing things outside of your own perspective; you’re compassionate and empathetic; you’re flexible; you’re forgiving, and you’re able to release your ego so that you can accept what you need over what you want.
What you need over what you want. Chile, if that doesn’t keep some people in cyclic stuff, I honestly don’t know what does. There’s a client that I have right now who only contacts me when she’s basically blown up her life because she constantly gets caught up in a man’s looks and bedroom performance. When I tell her that she needs to stop making that #1 and #2 of things to look for in a relationship, she “uh-huh's” me and then does what she wants to do anyway — only for it to end up wreaking all sorts of havoc…again.
It’s another message for another time about how some of us could stand to look within to see if wanting a fine man above all else is more about validating some deep-rooted insecurities that we have about our own looks (ouch). For now, I’ll just say that if your ego is out here telling you that looks and sexual performance should trump things like character and consistency, it is LYING to you. If you chose to heed the humble side of yourself, you would know that.
And this actually brings me to my next question.
How Stuck Are You in Your “Type”?
The reason why I wrote “According To Experts, We All Have A ‘Type’” back in the day is because it’s true — pretty much all of us have a type which is pretty much a preference; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that either. At the same time, I’m advising, from very up close and personal experience, that it’s a good idea to spend some time pondering “the origin story” of where your type came from.
Me? I’m always gonna be down for a very tall, hella chocolate, basketball (or soccer) build Black man. However, I’m a sexual abuse survivor and my molester looked a lot like that, so during the healing process of what he did to me, I had to factor in his influence. Plus, my first love also fits the physical mold and he definitely had quite an impact on my life. So…see what I mean? My type didn’t just come out of nowhere. Yes, sometimes your type may have some trauma or drama attached to it. And yes, that might be really uncomfortable to think about; still, that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Now my late fiancé? He was right at about 6’ and, complexion-wise, he was lighter than I am. He treated me better than most of the men of my past, though — and even though he definitely pursued me for a while to get me to consider us beyond being friends, because I took a risk outside of my type, I learned what it was like to be loved in a healthy way. And what that did for me was it taught me to remain open outside of my standard type. I still like a tall-ass Godiva man, chile (and don’t let him have a beard and be in a tailored suit!). I don’t limit myself to that package, though. To do so would be severely limiting — potentially tragic even.
How Healed Are You?
“Healed” is a word that comes up A LOT in the social media space. When it comes to relationships, specifically, it’s important to ask yourself if you are healed from your past because, if you aren’t, you very well could be reliving it over and over…and over again, whether you realize it (or choose to accept it) or not.
Just so that we’re all on the same page, the word “heal” means things like healthy, sound, and whole. Synonyms for the word include improve, restore, mend, soothe, and rehabilitate. Signs that you have healed from past hurts of a relationship (or a series of relationships) include you don’t think of them with anger or bitterness; you can see the silver linings from the experience; you’ve forgiven them for things that they did wrong (or that simply hurt you — and no, that’s not always one and the same), and you don’t pick (or avoid) other people to be in your life solely based on what someone else did to you.
What I mean by that last one is an unhealed woman may say something like, “I don’t want to do [such and such] for a first date. That’s what my ex liked to do.” The new guy isn’t him, so why does he have to be beholden to your past? Or, “I don’t trust men who won’t let me go through their phone. That’s how I found out my ex was cheating.” You know, for all of the women who like to play a non-animated form ofInspector Gadget (the real ones know), they sure don’t want their phones inspected as much as they like to do all of the inspecting. SMDH. Anyway, I don’t go through phones. For what? I don’t pay the bill and I’m not anyone’s parent. And so, your next guy not preferring it either? That doesn’t automatically mean that he’s up to no good — he may just want his boundaries respected. An unhealed person may not accept that. A healed one tends to, though.
And how can being unhealed play a direct role in you choosing the same guys over and over again? It’s weird because, sometimes you will go back to what’s familiar to you — because the new guy is such a risk, you’d prefer to “stick to the devil you know” than take a chance on someone who rolls very differently. It’s a cryptic way of remaining the common denominator in your dating dynamics. Oh, but it happens all of the time, chile.
What Makes a Man WRONG for You? Specifically?
Okay, with a lot of the inner work out of the way, how do you even come to the conclusion that someone (or several people) is wrong for you? Because you know what? Once you’ve done some real healing (and serious maturing), you can oftentimes find yourself accepting the fact that just because someone may not be right for you, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. No, not at all.
Although the word “wrong” can mean that something or someone isn’t morally right, wrong also means things like erroneous, not suitable or appropriate, not in accordance with certain requirements, or — and please catch it — out of order (which sometimes consists of the right thing happening at the wrong time). So, if it does seem like you keep choosing (because it is always a choice; that is also where accountability comes in) men who aren’t appropriate, aren’t in accordance with your needs or standards, or who aren’t what you need at the time — why is that? Is it rooted in fear? Impatience? Settling? What?
I have had enough clients go through this to know that it’s not good enough to be abstract about someone being “wrong” for you. You need to set aside one weekend, get some wine and a fresh journal, and really get into what wrong looks like. For instance, if you keep lowering your standards (which is the wrong thing to do, by definition), why is that? Because no matter how wrong the guy may ultimately turn out to be, what you have to be willing to accept is — again — you chose him. Why do you choose what’s wrong? Because, more times than not, some red (or at least orange) flags were waving long before the relationship came crashing down; oftentimes, they reveal themselves within the first couple of dates. You just chose to ignore them.
One more.
Do You Know a Good Man When You See One? You Sure?
As we close all of this out, when you get a chance, please check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?” Learning the difference between “to” and “for” took my own relational processing to an entirely new and freeing level. And you know what? Back to the healing point, another way to know that you’ve healed is you don’t generalize men. Meaning, that if you’re out here declaring that there aren’t any good ones, that’s not true; you’re just jaded (I mean, it’s the truth), and that head and energy space is affecting your judgment and perspective.
That said, if you’re constantly selecting the wrong men, ask yourself if you even know what a good man looks like (cue India.Arie’s “Good Man”). Again, by definition, good means things like morally excellent, right, kind, friendly, benevolent, educated, financially sound (not rich, stable and responsible…goodness), genuine, reliable, dependable, responsible, attractive, warm, intimate — satisfactory to the purpose (yes, that’s a literal definition).
For a man to be good for you, you need to know what purpose he is to serve at this particular point in your life because if, for example, all men seem to do, in your eyes, is use you for sex, why are you prioritizing sex over an emotional connection if the latter is the purpose that you seek right now? A lot of women can stop being the common denominator when it comes to choosing the wrong man if they 1) become the good that they seek and 2) do not betray the purpose behind why they even desire a relationship in the first place.
____
I know. When things aren’t going your way when it comes to matters of the heart, it can be easy to always say it’s the man’s fault. If there’s a pattern, though, please be a bit more self-reflective than that.
Once you do, you’d be amazed by how much about you shifts — to where the wrong guys can’t even get close to you, in the way that they used to, anymore.
Because you cease to be the “common denominator” you once were.
And how wonderful is that?
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