I Got Laid Off Twice. Here’s How I Paid Off My $30K Student Loan Debt
I'm squeezing every ounce of goodness out of 2021. As we all experienced, 2020 was nonstop madness. While there has been extreme loss, anxiety on a galactic level, deep loneliness, and every emotion in the dictionary, I managed to achieve one huge life goal before my 27th birthday in December. I paid Sallie Mae back! (Yes, please imagine me dancing.) While it's uncomfortable to share about this journey because finances are so personal, I believe the one thing we all need right now is good news. It was through watching other people who I related to that made me see that paying off my debt was possible.
Like most things in America, the current student-debt crisis is out of this world. This year the student-debt crisis hit an ultimate high.
"There are 45 million borrowers who collectively owe nearly $1.6 trillion in student loan debt. In the U.S. Student loan debt is now the second highest consumer debt category - behind only mortgage debt - and higher than both credit cards and auto loans," according to Forbes.
Even with these staggering numbers, the student-debt crisis disproportionately impacts Black families. On average, a Black graduate has $7,400 more in student debt than his or her white peer, according to Brookings Institution, a nonprofit public policy organization based in Washington, D.C.
When I first decided to pay off my student loans, I was freshly laid-off from my "dream job" as a breaking news reporter and living in my childhood bedroom in Columbus, Ohio, as a 20-something, feeling like a complete failure. Even though navigating this season was difficult, I kept one quote on the forefront of my mind by Dave Ramsey: "Live like no one else so that you can live like no one else."
I celebrated paying off my debt with an uplifting photoshoot to showcase that women are worthy of celebration outside of the traditional norms such as marriage and having babies. All which I desire in time, but until then I'm focused on blooming.
There are plenty of factors that impact our financial health, most of which are out of our control. If you're looking to take the next step so you can stop being a slave to your money and break free from the bondage of debt, here are some of the actions I implemented to pay off my $30,000 student loan debt.
1.Make a Plan.
Make a plan to approach payding down debt from a strategic level.
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It may sound simple, but making a solid plan is not as easy as it looks. When paying down debt, I think it's best to approach it from a strategic level. I never really knew how much debt I had. It was some elusive number; I believed I'd never pay off.
I went to a private art-school out of state and graduated in 2016. I had a ballpark idea of how much debt I was in but brushed it off. I ignored, deferred, ignored again, deferred again. Rinse and repeat. I was confused about the process since I had transferred schools. It felt like I had student loans coming from everywhere.
I was paying off both my unsubsidized and subsidized loans from college, which totaled to nearly $30,000. One way I was able to decrease the debt I took out was by applying for grants, scholarships and becoming a resident advisor for two years.
Before I got serious about paying off my debt, I made the minimum payments. One of the main tools that help me develop a straightforward and easy to understand debt strategy is Undebt.it. This site populated a free debt payoff plan after I imput my information. I also recommend using tools like Snowball Wealth, which helps organize all your debt in one place, and provides resources to help you pay it down.
The avalanche debt payment method worked best for my situation, but many people also use the snowball method. These are common terms, but here's a breakdown of what each one is according to CNBC:
"Snowball method: Prioritizes paying your debt from the smallest balance to largest, regardless of interest rate.
"Avalanche: you pay off the balance with the highest APR first, then work your way through all your debt from highest to lowest APR. Some financial experts prefer this method because you end up paying less overall in interest."
Once I had my plan ready to go, it was time to secure the bag.
2.Secure the Bag—All of It.
I paid above the minimum balance each month. I attacked my debt. I was able to do this by decreasing my expenses. At the time, I lived at home for roughly six months. Living in my childhood bedroom was a huge help, and I could save and knock out so much debt. I hear millennials complaining all the time about moving back in with their parents. If you're fortunate enough to live back home for a season, then I would highly suggest it and be grateful for the opportunity. But after living at home, I moved into a studio apartment and then decided to get a roommate. Figuring out housing can be tricky, but anyway you can decrease this expense, the better.
Anytime during my debt-free journey, I had about two to three jobs. I mainly did freelance work, including writing, social media managing, and website design. As 2020 has shown, no job is ever guaranteed. I learned that hard lesson early after being laid-off from two jobs before I turned 25.
I did freelance gigs in addition to my full-time job as a weekend social media editor. Negotiating my salary was vital and made a difference in my budget each month, which allowed me to make larger payments. It's an old and true saying, but closed mouths don't get fed. Here are more tips on how to negotiate your salary. It's a must!
3.Find Community.
While your debt is solely your responsibility, you don't have to walk this journey alone! One source of encouragement I had to kick-start my journey was watching my coworker pay off over $100,000 in student loan debt. What?! Don't be afraid to ask questions. I asked my colleague a million questions about debt, and I didn't care if I looked crazy in the process.
There's a vast debt-free community online of people sharing resources, tips, and advice. Join them! Two of my favorites financial educators to follow are Tiffany the Budgetnista and Leo Jean-Louis.
Also, talk to your trusted friends about money. Throughout this journey, I would have money talks with a close girlfriend of mine. We would get transparent about our money goals, downfalls, and everything in between! Normalizing talking about money is something we should all strive to do.
4.Practice Discipline
Practice discipline by starting a budget and sticking to it.
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Yes, you need a budget. But even more so, you need the discipline to execute and stick to that budget.
I started having weekly money meetings with myself. Was I perfect at it? Of course not. But I was consistent. I created a debt-free journal to help me stay sane during the process and to track my progress. In this journal, I wrote down prayers, wrote encouragement notes to myself, congratulated myself for the small wins, and reminded myself of my "why" behind paying off my student loans.
And what's my why? For me, it's being able to do what God has called me to do freely, designing a life of my dreams, building generational wealth for my family, and investing in my travel business, Girl Around The Globe, plus so many other things.
Being free of my student loans is one step towards my financial wholeness goals. Now, I'm looking to start investing actively (send help!), and I plan on knocking out the remainder of my credit card debt by Q1 or Q2 of 2021.
It doesn't matter how much you have in debt or how long it takes for you to pay it off. Life is not a race. All that matters is that you're trying and being consistent.
I believe in you, sis!
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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