

There are some women I know who wait until fall and winter to flat iron or silk press (you can watch a professional do a silk wrap by clicking here) their hair. When you stop and think about how freakin' hot and humid it is during the summer months, along with how a lot of us are prone to shrinkage during that time of the year, I totally get why. Waiting to apply heat styling tools to your hair during the seasons when you don't have to do it as much is a super smart move if you want to maintain length retention.
So, whether you want to straighten your hair to see how long its gotten, you've got a special occasion coming up where you want to rock a different style, or you simply need a few tips on how to apply heat without wrecking your tresses in the process, here are 10 tips that can make using a blow dryer, curling iron or flat iron something that you don't have to be scared to try.
1. Purchase an Ionic Ceramic Hair Dryer
If you wanna know one of the main reasons why heat damages our hair, it's because we don't have the right kind of tools. Take blow dryers, for example. It wasn't until I got myself an ionic ceramic one that my hair ended up a lot less fried (well, that and not blow drying it while it was wet; I'll get more to that in a minute). The reason why you can't get wrong with that particular kind of dryer is because ionic dryers are able to literally produce millions of negatively charged ions that can manipulate water molecules without damaging your hair's cuticles in the process. How? Because this type of dryer doesn't open up your hair shaft. The ceramic part of this type of hair dryer is able to regulate the temperature in the room that you're drying your hair in, so that it automatically gets hotter or cooler, so that your hair isn't overprocessed by the heat. As a result, a blow dryer that has both of these features, can significantly reduce your chances of experiencing heat damage. If you'd like to try one out, the Conair 1875-Watt Tourmaline Ceramic Dryer receives a lot of praise for getting the job done well.
2. Deep Condition Your Hair Every Wash Day
It's a lot harder to burn a wet blade of grass vs. a dry one. That's pretty much the logic of why you should deep condition your hair. Personally, I'd advise doing it every wash day but definitely before you decide to blow dry, use a curling iron or flat iron your hair. Dry brittle hair isn't able to withstand heat quite like well-moisturized hair can, so definitely apply a thick conditioner after shampooing your hair and let it sit for no less than 30 minutes (even a couple of hours is bomb). Your hair will love you for it.
3. Get Regular Protein Treatments
This is a tip that's important, not just when it comes to protecting your hair from heat damage, but also when helping your hair to gain some real inches. Since our strands are made up of mostly protein (keratin), doesn't it make perfect sense that we'd need to "back our hair up" with a little extra protein from time to time to make sure that it has all that it needs?
As far as the benefits of protein treatments go, they are able to "fill in the gaps" that may occur to your hair shaft due to chemical treatments and heat styling. Protein treatments also can bring elasticity back to your hair and reduce breakage, if your hair seems weaker than usual. And since protein treatments are able to strengthen your locks, then it's another way to keep your hair shielded from heat.
As far as how often you need a protein treatment, every 4-6 weeks is pretty standard. For tips on how to choose the best one, click here.
4. Use a Cream Thermal Heat Protectant
Hey, you can tell yourself that you don't need thermal heat protectant if you want to, but I promise that you'll be lying. One of the main benefits that comes with applying this to your locks before you blow dry your hair is it helps to seal in the moisture as it also slows down the heat conduction whenever you're blow drying your hair. This results in heat being applied more evenly and your hair heating up more gently so that less damage occurs in the long run. The main things to remember when it comes to thermal heat protectants are 1) get one that is silicone-based and 2) if you've got 3- or 4-type hair, go with a cream rather than a liquid or spray. Creams are thicker which means that your hair will be coated—and protected—so much better with one.
5. Let Your Hair Dry (at Least) 60 Percent Before Blow Drying
Lord. If there is a heating faux pas that I used to make, for years and years, it was barely towel drying my hair (it's better to use a T-shirt, by the way; it absorbs the water effectively and is gentler on your locks that a towel is) before pulling my blow dryer out. Then, I heard a YouTube naturalista (I can't remember who exactly) say that she lets her hair air dry at least 60 percent before she blow-dries hers when she's trying to achieve a blowout.
And guess what? That works big time! I'm thinking that a part of it is because barely damp hair has a greater chance of avoiding the smoke and frying that can come when your blow dryer is too hot. Also, since your hair is closer to being dry, you don't need quite as much heat to finish the job. (By the way, medium heat should be more than enough. High temps are for impatient folks and if you're rushing, you shouldn't be applying heat to your hair anyway.)
6. Keep Tools Under 350-400 Degrees
While a lot of people will say that it's impossible to apply heat to your hair without damaging it, there are scientists that disagree. Since 450 degrees can set a piece of paper on fire, many say that if you make sure that your heat styling tools are somewhere between 350-400 degrees (and you don't let your hair sit with that level of heat on it for a long period of time), you should be fine.
That said, it's important that you get a flat iron that has a temperature button setting on it, and that you make sure the plates are made out of either tourmaline or titanium (it glides along the hair smoothly and lasts longer than other flat irons), and that you use as little product as necessary; too much can cause the plates to stick to your hair which could inadvertently result in heat damage.
7. Blow Dry Thoroughly Before Flat Ironing
Another huge heat styling mistake that you should avoid is going from air drying to flat ironing; that is a surefire way to give your hair heat damage. Instead, after your hair is mostly dry, make sure that you run a blow dryer through your hair. It doesn't have to get as straight as possible (your flat iron will take care of that), but it does need to be significantly stretched. If your blow dryer (on a low or medium setting; nothing more) does most of the work, you can easily do a one-pass with your flat iron and be good to go.
8. Don’t “Pass Through” a Billion Times
If you were to hop on YouTube right now and watch DIY videos on how to use a curling iron or flat iron on natural hair, I doubt you'd see anyone advise that you run an iron through your hair more than twice. While bone straight might be your ultimate goal, oftentimes that can come with damaging your hair in the process (which is totally not worth it). Besides, if you break your hair up into small sections and then use the chase method (which is when you comb through each section and then "chase it" with your iron afterwards), your hair should get pretty straight and if you wrap it up at night, it should remain impressively straight for several days.
9. Go Easy on the Oils
Back when some of us got our hair pressed, grease was sho 'nuf present. I think that's why a lot of us think that we need to inundate our hair with oil while applying a heat styling tool to it now. Actually, that's not the case. Oftentimes, all that does is cause your hair to get hotter than it should which can also cause damage, if not immediately, eventually. While carrier oils like sweet almond, jojoba, avocado, grapeseed, argan and marula oil (it's an oil that contains 60 percent more antioxidants than argan does) are all good for your hair, try and use no more than a dab in your palm while using your tools; then, if you want a little more sheen, run a bit more through your locks after you are done with your curling iron or flat iron. (Bonus tip: Add a few drops of your favorite essential oil into your carrier oil. Your hair will smell divine if you do!)
10. Remember That Less (Frequently) Is More
Finally, if you want your hair to be longer instead of shorter come spring, definitely apply the "less is more" approach. For the most part, putting heat on your hair, more than once every 10 days or so, is going to end up causing some sort of damage. And just how can you know if that is indeed the case? If you notice split ends, white knots on the end of your hair, that your locks are super dry, breaking off or that your hair has a rough texture to it—all of this points to laying off of the heat, trimming your ends and doing some deep conditioning for a while.
Oh, also remember to ONLY apply heat styling tools on clean hair. Otherwise, the dirt, debris, and product build-up that you have will literally end up getting "cooked" into your hair shaft, every time you put heat on it.
Welp, there you have it. 10 ways to approach applying heat to your hair. If you put all of them into practice, you'll significantly increase the chances of having the best of both worlds—straight hair when you want it and healthy hair no matter what.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
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6 Signs You And Your Therapist Need To Break Up With Each Other
I’m sure it comes as no surprise to y’all that I am super pro-therapy. Ever since high school (RIP, Chuck Stanford; you were awesome), on and off again, I’ve had a therapist. I am a life coach now, in part, because I am such a fan of therapy. Easily, 65 percent of my world has either been to therapy before and/or they work in the mental health world. And that’s why, it brought a smile to my face when I read that close to 60 million Americans claim to have gotten some sort of treatment for their mental health before. Excellent.
However, as with pretty much everything in life, there is even a side to therapy that isn’t discussed enough: how to know if you are seeing a therapist who really is worth all of the time, effort, energy, and money that you are putting into them. Come to think of it, more specifically, how do you know if you and your therapist are past your season, even if initially, they seemed like they were a good fit?
Let’s tackle that topic now. Because the reality is that therapy can either do you a lot of good or its fair share of harm when you’re not with the right person. And so, here are six signs that, if you are currently seeing a therapist, it may just be time to start…seeing someone else.
1. You and Your Therapist Aren’t Respecting Each Other’s Time
The more time that goes by, the more side-eye that Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz get in my book. SMDH. You know what they say, though, and even a broken clock is right twice a day. And with that being said, there is something that has come out of Dr. Phil’s mouth, more than once, that I have applied to my life, ever since I first heard it: “Late people are arrogant because they assume that you should wait on them which means that they don’t value your time.” Since time is precious and something that you can never truly get back, I agree with this resolve. And so, when it comes to you and your therapist, you both should show up for sessions on time and (something that I need to hold some of my own clients more accountable to) be prepared to end on time as well.
For me, I keep "checks and balances" on this by requiring that clients give me a 72-hour heads-up if they need to cancel a session; otherwise, I charge the full rate (time is money, after all). As for myself, if I can’t make a session, oftentimes I will offer a discount on top of them simply not having to pay for that session because who knows what domino effect my cancellation had on them.
Anyway, if one or both of you are canceling a lot, showing up late, or constantly running over, while this alone shouldn’t be an indication that it’s time to find someone new, it is a sign that you don’t value each other’s time together as much as you both should which kind of means that you don’t value each other like you should too — and it’s hard to get anything truly worthwhile done if, at the end of the day, you and your therapist don’t respect each other very much.
2. You and Your Therapist’s Values Don’t Align
Before we get all deep into this one, let me just say that a sign of a truly good therapist is they can be effective whether someone shares in their value system or not. Example? Not to brag, however, I have a client who couldn’t be more different than I am when it comes to shoot — spirituality, marriage, dating, sex…almost you name it and we aren’t similar at all and yet, a few months ago, I was hella touched when she said that I was one of the best things that ever happened to her.
I’m telling y’all, there are a lot of narcissistic and manipulative mental health providers out here who actually seek out opportunities to turn people into low-key versions of themselves — so, if you are currently looking for a therapist/counselor/life coach, please take your time, so that you can vet your candidates thoroughly.
That said, though, say that you are a devout Christian. It’s okay, recommended even, that you find a therapist who is a Christian too, just so you know that your foundations (at least for the most part) are similar. I mean, imagine if you had an agnostic therapist and you found yourself referencing Scripture a lot as the basis for why you think, say, and do what you do.
While they should be able to navigate through that, it’s unrealistic to think that their personal beliefs won’t come up at some point, and/or that they won’t know how to factor in your own stance on things based on your religion of choice. For the record, this point doesn’t just go for spirituality. I know someone who went to a divorce therapist when her marriage was in trouble and all that person talked about was why it would be beneficial for her to end her marriage when that wasn’t exactly what she was looking for — or needed.
Yeah, when it comes to this one right here, think about what your values are and how your therapist incorporates them into your sessions. Do you feel heard and respected or do they come off with a flippant or dismissive attitude or like they are trying to sway you into thinking more like they do? If it’s the latter, that is a huge red flag and it is definitely time to start looking for someone else.
3. Sessions Cause You to Feel Worse Instead of Better
Okay, when it comes to this one, make sure to hear me when I say that when you get a hold of a really good therapist, someone who is seriously invested in getting you what you need, oftentimes, it is going to seem like things are worse before they are better. That’s because they may ask you questions or challenge you to consider things that you may have suppressed or you frankly just don’t want to deal with (even though, there’s a good chance that you will need to).
That needs to be said because, what I mean here is, if you’ve got the kind of therapist who is constantly low on energy; has a negative spin to everything; who low-key has you counseling them (hey, it happens); who seems to create more problems and worries for you than before you walked into the door; who seems to drain you; who constantly plants seeds of confusion; who tries to bully you into thinking like them (more on that in a sec) — who basically causes you to feel worse about yourself and/or your situation instead of more hopeful about both…yeah, you definitely need to find another individual.
And please peep that I used the word “hopeful” because I have shared before that I like how one dictionary defines hope as feeling that you can have what you want OR that everything will work out for the best. And yes, if you have a solid therapist in your corner, while they should be honest and realistic with you, HOPELESS isn’t a word that you should use to describe what having sessions with them is like. If that’s what’s transpiring, that’s probably the biggest reason out of all of these to break up with them. Like…yesterday.
4. Instead of Being Held Accountable, You Feel Controlled OR They Enable You…
I’m big on accountability. A part of the reason why is because I grew up around A LOT of people who would use religion to dodge accountability and/or they would play the victim in order to deflect from it. Anyway, let me tell it, one of the main reasons why more people should get into therapy is because they live the kind of life when they are not held accountable for their decisions enough. SMDH.
Okay, but it’s one thing to be in front of someone who calls you on the carpet when you try to avoid accepting responsibility for the decisions that you make; however, it’s another to have a therapist who uses what you share to try and get you to live the life that they want you to — like they basically see you as a puppet that they hold the strings to. On the extreme flip of this, it’s also problematic if your therapist basically just nods in agreement with what you are doing when they know that, at the very least, it’s highly counterproductive and, at worst, it’s going to make things so much more trying for you up the road.
I know both of these types of therapists exist because a lot of religious ones will try and use therapy sessions as ministry classes for people who aren’t of their faith (which is highly inappropriate) and I also know some people who seem to be in nothing more than “kee-kee sessions” with their therapist — it’s like their mental health “professional” is more interested in being a friend than a true and reliable accountability partner…and yeah, that ain’t good.
5. The Juice Isn’t Worth the Squeeze
I had a friend who was in therapy for her marriage…her entire marriage (she’s recently divorced). She and her husband went through multiple therapists (one even “fired them” because her husband was so condescendingly ridiculous) and it never really seemed like things were changing for the better. Does that mean that things got worse? Well, I’ve gotta say that, having a front row seat to it all, I rarely witnessed any tips or tools being implemented that seemed to improve their dynamic. Basically, their relationship sounded like what abused people say: “I mean, we had a good few days” only to turn around and be back in their hamster wheel of toxicity by day five. So, let me get this straight: you’re paying someone to help you to resolve some issues in your marriage and yet…the issues aren’t getting resolved? And this is the case for months on end?
In therapists’ defense, they can only work with what they’ve been given and so, if one or both clients aren’t serious about therapy and/or they aren’t being forthcoming and honest and/or (this is a big one) they aren’t doing their session homework and/or they expect their therapist to be more devoted to “fixing things” than they are — they are delusional about what a therapist actually can and cannot do. At the same time, though, a big part of the reason why you signed up for therapy is because you were looking for someone to help you out in ways that you can’t seem to do on your own…and a good therapist is a solution to that.
If you’ve been seeing a therapist for a while now and it really doesn’t seem like your needs are getting met, while one with integrity would probably bring up that the two of you may not be the best fit, remember that they are gonna make money if you stay…which means that you are losing out far more than they are. Whew, you’ve got to be careful with that too because if people-pleasing or avoiding conflict are some of your main struggles, and you find yourself in therapy with someone who doesn’t seem to be “scratching your itches” you might remain. Why? Because you don’t want to rock the boat. Another way of saying this — if there is one area of your life where you can feel really good about being selfish, it’s when it comes to selecting a therapist who checks all of your boxes. If yours doesn’t, you already know what I’m about to say.
6. Progress Isn’t Being Made
Some of my clients, I have worked with for a few years at this point. It’s not because I encourage it, though — and while that might sound weird on the surface…hear me out. If you’ve got a therapist (or counselor or life coach) who is seriously invested in you getting to the root of…whatever it is that you’re trying to get to the root of, I agree with mental health professionals who say that it really shouldn’t take longer than 12-16 sessions for (semi) minor issues and 12-18 months for more complex matters.
In fact, some studies say that 50 percent of folks start to feel better, overall, after about 15-20 therapy sessions and even that? Well, to me, if you’re not starting to see some sort of light bulb moments after about five sessions, you should start to wonder why.
Because what you’ve got to forever keep in mind is therapy is still a business, and based on what your therapist charges, it can be easy to get used to that money coming in (hey, I’m just being real with y’all) and that can require some of them to not be as, let’s go with proactive, about helping you to reach the resolve that you need in a short(er) amount of time. This means that you’ve got to stay on top of making sure that progress is being made.
Now think about the goals that you had going into therapy and how long you’ve been with your therapist. Are you much further along in your growth or…nah? If the answer is “B,” it’s time for a shift. Stat.
___
Again, words cannot express how much I support therapy. It’s a real-life and game-changer — so long as you have the right fit for you. Hopefully, sis, this can help you come to a decision about that.
If the answer is “yes,” dope.
If the answer is “no,” BREAK UP.
You deserve better. And more. ASAP.
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