It truly can’t be said enough that quotes are totally my thing, and when it comes to the topic of today’s conversation, I think that one by author Roy T. Bennett fits in quite nicely: “Attitude is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Optimism is a choice. Kindness is a choice. Giving is a choice. Respect is a choice. Whatever choice you make makes you. Choose wisely.”
The (main) reason why I like it so much is because (spoiler alert) pebbling is actually an act of giving (more on that to come) and when you give with a genuine motive, how can that not improve your attitude, make you happier, boost your positivity, help you to be kinder, make you want to give more and also see yourself and others from a place of elevated honor and respect? Something as simple as giving to other people can do all of that. Amazing.
And the really wonderful thing about pebbling is it doesn’t require that you do much sacrificial giving at all — it’s simply about giving from your heart. Okay, but I’m getting a little ahead of myself. If you want to learn more about what pebbling is and how it can ultimately benefit, pretty much any relationship that you currently have, I’ll explain further below.
What Is the Origin Story of “Pebbling”?
GiphyAre you ready to feel old? How absolutely wild is it that the documentary (that actor Morgan Freeman narrated) The March of the Penguins is 20 this year?! One of my favorite things about it is how well the penguin fathers were at taking care of their young. And what does that have to do with pebbling? Well, pebbling is something that we actually have learned from — yep, you guessed it — penguins.
Apparently, whenever a penguin (specifically a Gentoo one) wants to show a romantic gesture towards its partner (or the one who they want to partner with), something that it will do is pick up a pebble and either bring it to them directly or place it where they have decided to build a nest. Pebble nests are ideal because they protect against the bitter cold while also keeping newborn baby penguins safe. Pebbles: a small thing that makes a huge impression. And that is pebbling in a nutshell.
Why Pebbling Is Beneficial in Every Kind of Relationship
GiphyAnd just how does this translate to us humans? Well, the term “pebbling,” for us, is basically about doing small gestures for the people in your own life as a way of expressing how much you care for them. For teenagers, it oftentimes comes in the form of sending their friends a GIF, TikTok video, or meme for the other person to laugh at, relate to, or know that they are being thought of. For adults, it can be something like sending a “you crossed my mind” text, seeing a cute mug on Etsy and sending it to a friend, or having your partner’s favorite dessert waiting on them when they get home. Basically, it’s also small deeds that, because they are so thoughtful, can make a pretty big impact on the lives of the people in your world.
And just why is pebbling so relationally effective? Just think about it. When it comes to grand efforts, those are oftentimes somewhat expected, because we tend to reserve those for special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays. And although they are certainly appreciated, they’re not exactly a surprise. Oh, but when someone does something for you, no matter how small, that is totally out of the blue, it conveys that you are on their mind. And don’t let it be something that you really like, boy.
Example? One of my favorite memories of my late fiancé (who will have been gone 30 damn years this fall…amazing) happened back in 1995. He was from the south side of Chicago and, at the time, Nashville didn’t have a MAC counter. I knew about MAC, though, because my mom would sometimes buy me things from there whenever she would travel to New York for business. Anyway, I was super fond of their chestnut lipliner at the time and so, when Damien randomly asked me if there was something that I would like when he went home to visit at the beginning of that semester and I mentioned the lipliner — it tripped me right on out when he brought me exactly that…many weeks later.
Was the lipliner bomb? Yep. However, it was the pebbling that provided the true “ripple effect,” because 1) he retained what I said and 2) it proved that he had me on his mind while he was gone. And that is an example of how pebbling can benefit relationships because who doesn’t want to be thought of? Who doesn’t want someone else to show, tangibly, that they heard and are special? Who doesn’t like little surprises along life’s way?
That’s how pebbling can benefit the person who is on the receiving end. And just what does it do for the giver? Well, kind of like how skipping rocks/pebbles tend to have a ripple effect, so does pebbling. I’ll expound.
How Pebbling Blesses You, the Giver, in the Process
GiphyEven if you’re not an avid Bible reader, I’m pretty sure that you’ve heard it’s more blessed to give than it is to receive — and yes, that does come directly from a verse in Scripture (Acts 20:35, to be exact). Okay, but aside from how spiritually refreshing it is to give to others, did you know that it comes with proven health benefits too?
Giving helps to lower your risks of depression; decreases your blood pressure; improves your self-esteem; puts you into a better mood; can give you a stronger immunity, and even increases your longevity (which ties into another Scripture which says, “So are the ways of everyone who is greedy for gain; It takes away the life of its owners.” — Proverbs 1:19 — NKJV).
Beyond that, something else that I think is beautiful about giving is it has a way of planting “seeds” into someone else’s life. Based on what you decide to give, can help them to achieve a goal, give them a more positive mindset, or keep them encouraged if they are tempted to lose hope. It can also “amplify” their personality. What I mean by that is…a friend of mine? She has a metaphorical fist-pumping hard into the air (if you know, you know) at least 10 months out of every year. LOL.
Just recently, I purchased her a sweatshirt that features one of my favorite quotes by the late and great civil rights activist John Lewis. It roughly cost me forty bucks (including shipping). Oh, but as much as my friend likes sweatshirts and makes IG posts, it will plant all sorts of seeds into her platform and life. On the flip side, she knows that I like fresh flowers a lot and there are times when a boxed bouquet will pop out of nowhere. It makes me feel loved. Again, seeds planted.
Yeah, when you know that what you are doing for someone will, at the very least, make them feel seen, how could that not automatically bring happiness into your own life? Even if it is…a “pebble” kind of token.
“Pebbles” Take the Pressure Off
GiphyPerhaps the best thing of all about the act of pebbling is no one has to go broke in order to do it. Handwriting a note of love to your partner, encouragement to your child, or support to a friend counts as pebbling. Writing a letter for someone to open “just in case” (just in case they are having a rough day or just in case they aren’t feeling well) counts as pebbling.
Creating a quick video on your phone with a joke or a great story about your relationship with someone and sending it their way counts as pebbling. Printing off some inspirational quotes on colorful paper, putting them into a mason jar, and gifting it/them counts as pebbling. Scheduling a virtual coffee date with a long-distance friend counts as pebbling. Curating a playlist for someone counts as pebbling.
DIY’ing some coupons counts as pebbling. Putting together a photo collage from pics on your phone with a special someone and texting or emailing it over to them counts as pebbling. Running an errand for your bae that you know they hate doing counts as pebbling. Shouting out someone on social media for all of the reasons why you adore them counts as pebbling.
And do you know what all of these things have in common? They don’t cost a dime. While yes, getting someone their favorite scented candle or knitting someone a scarf also counts as pebbling, I just want to make sure that it’s also on record that the brilliant thing about being a pebble-person is you don’t need coins to be one. You just need to be thoughtful, you just need to set aside a little bit of time, and then you need to execute. That’s it.
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The mission (should you choose to accept it): Think of 3-5 people this week who you can “pebble.” Determine to do something different for each individual (something that fits their uniqueness) and try your best to have it cost as little as possible. That way, you can get into the habit of giving without feeling like it has to cost you something. As a “pebble-r” myself, I can vouch for the fact that, before you know it, you’ll be pebbling all over the place…while inspiring others to do the same.
A woman by the name of Rashida Rowe once said, “Relationships are about 'give and give,' not give and take.” In other words, relationships — healthy ones, anyway — are all about reciprocity. When folks learn that giving doesn’t always have to be extravagant, that pebbling is another way to go, it makes “giving and giving” so much easier to do.
You’ve got more pebbles to share than you probably think.
Give one. Then another. And then another.
Then watch the “ripple effect” that it (ultimately) has.
Beautiful.
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Kayla Nicole says she wore a dress that was once worn by Braxton herself for the Halloween costume. “It’s not a secret Toni is more on the petite side. I’m obsessed with all 5’2” of her,” she tells xoNecole via email. “But I’m 5’10'' and not missing any meals, honey, so to my surprise, when I got the dress and it actually fit, I knew it was destiny.”
The episode was the perfect way for the multihyphenate to take control of her own narrative. By addressing the viral moment on her own platform, she was able to stir the conversation and keep the focus on her adoration for Braxton, an artist she says she grew up listening to and who still makes her most-played playlist every year. Elsewhere, she likely would’ve received questions about whether or not the costume was a subliminal aimed at her ex-boyfriend and his pop star fiancée. “I think that people will try to project their own narratives, right?” she said, hinting at this in the episode. “But, for me personally – I think it’s very important to say this in this moment – I’m not in the business of tearing other women down. I’m in the business of celebrating them.”
Kayla Nicole is among xoNecole’s It Girl 100 Class of 2025, powered by SheaMoisture, recognized in the Viral Voices category for her work in media and the trends she sets on our timelines, all while prioritizing her own mental and physical health. As she puts it: “Yes, I’m curating conversations on my podcast The Pre-Game, and cultivating community with my wellness brand Tribe Therepē.”
Despite being the frequent topic of conversation online, Kayla Nicole says she’s learning to take advantage of her growing social media platform without becoming consumed by it. “I refuse to let the internet consume me. It’s supposed to be a resource and tool for connection, so if it becomes anything beyond that I will log out,” she says.
On The Pre-Game, which launched earlier this year, she has positioned herself as listeners “homegirl.” “There’s definitely a delicate dance between being genuine and oversharing, and I’ve had to learn that the hard way. Now I share from a place of reflection, not reaction,” she says. “If it can help someone feel seen or less alone, I’ll talk about it within reason. But I’ve certainly learned to protect parts of my life that I cherish most. I share what serves connection but doesn’t cost me peace.
"I refuse to let the internet consume me. It’s supposed to be a resource and tool for connection, so if it becomes anything beyond that I will log out."
Credit: Malcolm Roberson
Throughout each episode, she sips a cocktail and addresses trending topics (even when they involve herself). It’s a platform the Pepperdine University alumnus has been preparing to have since she graduated with a degree in broadcast journalism, with a concentration in political science.
“I just knew I was going to end up on a local news network at the head anchor table, breaking high speed chases, and tossing it to the weather girl,” she says. Instead, she ended up working as an assistant at TMZ before covering sports as a freelance reporter. (She’s said she didn’t work for ESPN, despite previous reports saying otherwise.) The Pre-Game combines her love for pop culture and sports in a way that once felt inaccessible to her in traditional media.
She’s not just a podcaster, though. When she’s not behind the mic, taking acting classes or making her New York Fashion Week debut, Kayla Nicole is also busy elevating her wellness brand Tribe Therepē, where she shares her workouts and the workout equipment that helps her look chic while staying fit. She says the brand will add apparel to its line up in early 2026.
“Tribe Therepē has evolved into exactly what I have always envisioned. A community of women who care about being fit not just for the aesthetic, but for their mental and emotional well-being too. It’s grounded. It’s feminine. It’s strong,” she says. “And honestly, it's a reflection of where I am in my life right now. I feel so damn good - mentally, emotionally, and physically. And I am grateful to be in a space where I can pour that love and light back into the community that continues to pour into me.”
Tap into the full It Girl 100 Class of 2025 and meet all the women changing game this year and beyond. See the full list here.
Featured image by Malcolm Roberson
So, what causes us to have moments when we’re not experiencing the sound sleep that we so desire? While I wish that I had a black and white answer for you, the reality is that several different factors (sometimes working together) may be the cause. That’s the bad news.
The good news is that if you check out the 10 leading causes below, by process of elimination, you might be able to get to the root of your own restless evenings — so that you can finally get the kind of quality rest that you well deserve.
1. Eating (Too) Late
GiphyLet’s start off with one that has a couple of layers to it. Although it is a good idea to not have a large meal less than two hours before turning in, some experts do say that a light snack that consists of natural melanin, serotonin or tryptophan could be helpful.
The reason why eating too much before bedtime isn’t a good idea is because the digestive process can be a pretty active one. Plus, it increases your chances of experiencing acid reflux and heartburn. On the other hand, snacking on almonds or tart cherries (melatonin), cheese or pumpkin seeds (serotonin) or yogurt or peanut butter (tryptophan) can be just what you need to lull your system to sleep.
Bottom line here: It’s not if you eat but what you eat…and when.
2. Junk Food
GiphySpeaking of foods, if junk food is totally your thing, first check out “Why You Should Consider Leaving Fast Food Alone” — and then at least try avoiding that stuff if you’re heading off to bed. Fried foods are hard to digest. Sugary foods (and carbs) can raise your blood sugar levels. Processed foods contain a lot of salt and salt can raise your blood pressure which can result in sleep disturbances. So, if you’re in the habit of going through a drive-thru at night, here’s a good reason to rethink doing so in the future.
3. Your Bedroom Is Too Hot
GiphyThis one right here, I can absolutely attest to — because when I am hot in a room, I can pretty much kiss sound sleeping goodbye. SMDH. The problem here is that when your body temperature is high, that can mess with your REM (rapid eye movement) sleep. Not only that but, in order for your system to produce the melatonin that it needs to keep you sleeping soundly, your body needs to be at a cooler temperature. And that is why your room sitting at somewhere around 65 degrees is ideal.
4. Your Bedding
GiphyI have a friend who just bought a house and I’m getting him a comforter for a housewarming present. Listen, don’t sleep on the power of amazing bedding because it, too, plays a role in how well you rest. Of course, you need to invest in a good mattress (you can read more about that here and here); however, when it comes to things like your sheets and your comforter, there are a few things to keep in mind.
Your sheets need to be made out of breathable fabrics like cotton, not ones like nylon, polyester or even silk. The reason why is because the latter traps in heat and we’ve already discussed what an elevated body temperature can do to you. Oh, and if you’re someone who enjoys flannel sheets during the fall and winter season, it’s probably better to get some blankets that you can “layer your bed” with instead; flannel can get mighty hot in the midnight hour too.
It’s also important that your sheets aren’t too small or too big for your mattress because that can make your bed feel uncomfortable. And comforter-wise, try and go with a color that doesn’t overstimulate you — neutrals and shades of blues, greens and yellows can accomplish this for you. And P.S., one of the best comforter brands around? Coma Inducer. I’ve been rocking with them for several years at this point and I don’t have not one regret.
5. Java and/or Alcohol
GiphyI’m not much of a coffee drinker (although I do adore coffee ice cream; go figure). I didn’t grow up with it (tea was in abundance in my home) and so it’s not something that I ever really think about. I do have friends who will drink coffee before bedtime, though, and that baffles me because coffee (due to the caffeine that is in it) is a stimulant — and that for that reason alone, you’d be better off having it in the morning instead of at night.
As far as alcohol goes, although it technically it’s a depressant, for the first couple of hours that it is in your system, it acts like a stimulant — which means that it tends to put your system on quite the roller coaster ride; one that you should want to avoid if you’re trying to get a good night’s rest.
My recommendation? Go the tea route and sip on some chamomile, lavender, ginseng, green or passionflower tea. All contain properties that are proven to relax your mind, body and spirit, so that you can fall asleep quicker and stay asleep longer.
6. Stress and Anxiety
GiphyListen, the summer of 2025 for me? Whew, chile (check out “I've Been Estranged From My Mom For Years. She Died Last Week.” and “I Was Hired To Be An Online Life Coach. Then Got Scammed For $4K. Here's How To Avoid This.”). Other than the couple of weeks when my mother was on a swift decline (and I was concerned about her physical suffering), thankfully, I didn’t lose much sleep, though — and praise the Lord for that because stress (and anxiety) definitely have a way of jacking up sleep patterns.
That’s because when you are stressed out, your cortisol (which is your stress hormone) spikes and that can hinder sound sleep — which can result in you feeling fatigued and irritable throughout the day. So, if you are stressed out — exercise, journal, meditate, spend quality time with fun and supportive people…oh, and have sex. All of these things are proven ways to calm and relax you — on a few different levels.
7. Late Day Naps
GiphyI adore sleep — always have. So, I can’t even say that it’s my age that has a sistah out here excited about taking a nap in the middle of the day (I work from home). And what I have to watch is not napping for too long or taking a nap that is too late in the day. Why? Because it can totally jack up my sleep patterns because it ends up throwing off my sleep schedule.
According to sleep experts, the way to avoid this is by scheduling your nap out about eight hours before your bedtime and also making sure that your nap doesn’t last any longer than 30 minutes (set an alarm, if you have to). If you do both of these things, you can get the benefits of a nap and the benefits of 6-8 hours of sleep without having to compromise either one.
8. Not Having a Sleep Schedule
GiphyAs humans, we really are creatures of habit. In fact, if you do something consistently enough, it can become automatic to you — it can end up being something that you do without really thinking about it at all. And that’s why it’s a good idea to at least consider coming up with some sort of a sleep schedule; that way, you can train your mind and body to have a pattern of rest.
The beauty of this is a sleep schedule can help you to reduce your stress levels, strengthen your brain, maintain a healthy weight, put you in a better mood and make you more productive throughout the day. On the other hand, not having a sleep schedule can make it really challenging for you to get quality rest at night. It only takes a few minutes to come up with a schedule and it’s well worth your time.
9. Too Much Stuff on Your Bed
GiphyEver heard that a cluttered desk reveals a cluttered mind? If you believe that, how in the world could this not translate to a bed as well? Hell, I even read an article which said that having a lot of stuff underneath your bed can wreck your sleep because it can trigger feelings of anxiety and restlessness and that’s because clutter can overstimulate you and keep you from being at peace.
Look, there’s no telling how many times I’ve said that bedrooms are for sex and sleep only (many interior designers feel the same way) — which means that your bed shouldn’t look like a makeshift office, it shouldn’t have clothes all over it and, even if you are an avid reader, it shouldn’t look like a horizontal bookshelf (where’s your nightstand at?).
You need to feel free to move comfortably about on your bed throughout the night — which ALSO means that, although I personally call pillows “stuffed animals for adults,” you still don’t need a ton of those on your bed either; two for sleeping and 2-3 more for décor purposes are typically ideal.
10. Your Damn Cell Phone
GiphyYou’ve probably heard this before and yet, since reportedly most of us check our phones somewhere around 205 times a day — I’m willing to bet that at least 10 of those times are while you’re in bed or when you’re up to make a bathroom run in the middle of the night. Yeah, as tempting as that might be, try to break that habit because the blue light that emits from your phone can disrupt how your system processes melatonin — and that is another way that you can find yourself really struggling to fall asleep again.
Whatever is on your phone, it can’t wait. It’s not worth your beauty sleep, chile.
BONUS: Imbalanced Hormones
GiphyHormonal imbalance is absolutely something that can have you tossing and turning all night long. If it’s due to all that is going on with you the week before your period, try exercising earlier in the day in order to help you sleep more soundly at night. If it’s because you are in the latter stages of perimenopause, consuming foods that are rich in phytoestrogens (plant-based estrogen) could help to level things out. Some of those foods include sesame seeds, garlic, peaches, berries and cabbage.
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YOU NEED SLEEP. Yes, I am yelling it because nothing is worth compromising it.
So, if you see yourself in anything that I just said, try making some adjustments tonight.
Within a week or so, you should find yourself sleeping more and tossin’ and turnin’ a heck of a lot less.
Beautiful.
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