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Your February Monthly Horoscopes Are All About Connection
February invites us to restore our hope for a better future for all of Earth's inhabitants. Over the weeks to come, your unique mission becomes all the more clear as well as the people you'll need to help you accomplish your vision. Even though the Rona has restricted the way we connect with others, we're being challenged to find innovative ways to maintain a sense of community and connection. Check out the horoscopes to see what's in store for your zodiac sign in the month ahead!
Aries
The month kicks off with Venus moving into Aquarius which has you wanting to spend some quality time with your friends. The New Moon on the 11th is a supportive time for collaborating with like-minded folks that are equally as passionate as changing the world for the better, just as you are. Be mindful of your triggers around the 17th, particularly when it comes to outdated patterns of relating to others. You're naturally competitive which can sometimes rear its ugly head in your relationships. There's enough room for everyone to shine.
When the Sun shifts into Pisces, you're invited to lay low in preparation for your birthday season. Once Mercury goes direct on the 20th, you're crystal clear about who is #TeamAries and who isn't. On the 25th, Venus enters Pisces, encouraging you to unplug from the chaos of the world to reconnect with Spirit to receive instructions for your steps in this next year around the Sun. You're making a big impact through your social media presence when Jupiter trines the North Node. Consider how you want to influence people that look up to you. February wraps up with a Full Moon helping you resolve bad habits that interfere with the lifestyle you want to experience.
Taurus
February is a busy month for you particularly surrounding your career development. With Venus and the New Moon in this part of your chart, you're encouraged to think beyond your material desires. How can you be of service to others through the work that you do? You have the ability to influence others in a major way so make sure you lead with integrity instead of force. Tensions may be high around the 17th as you try to find a middle ground between working your ass off and finding some time for you. Rome wasn't built overnight so take a break to avoid burnout. The Sun shifts into Pisces on the 18th, lighting up your social life. Make the extra effort to connect with others whether that be through social media or planning a girls' night.
On the 20th, Mercury goes direct, helping you clear up any miscommunications with an authority figure. If you've been wanting to talk about a promotion, the weeks ahead are more supportive of your efforts. When Venus shifts into Pisces, you're encouraged to dream a little more. What does your "Heaven on Earth" look like? It's time to invest in your talents when Jupiter meets up with the North Node. A possible shift in career is likely if you're out of alignment with your destiny. The month ends with a Full Moon encouraging you to explore a creative outlet to restore your peace of mind.
Gemini
The month ahead invites you to expand beyond your comfort zone with Venus transiting through Aquarius. When the planet of love meets up with the New Moon on the 11th, you're ready to commit to a path that will elevate your mind and spirit, making this a good time to go back to school, sign up for that workshop, or read up on a topic of interest. When Saturn squares Uranus on the 17th, be mindful of how others impose their truth upon you. As free-spirited as you are, you must learn to trust your path. There is no guru outside of you. When the Sun shifts into Pisces, do your best to stay grounded when it comes to your career goals. You've got some lofty goals. A little strategy and a whole lot of discipline will take you far.
Your ruling planet goes direct on the 20th, helping you move stuck travel plans forward. If you've been waiting on that visa or passport, it's on the way sooner than you think. On the 25th, Venus shifts into Pisces to miraculously clear up any stuck energy related to your career progression. Your faith is necessary in receiving creative solutions for any challenges you're facing. A much-needed shift in your life path could be up for review when Jupiter meets up with the North Node. By the end of the month, matters of home and family take precedence. Give yourself a chance to recharge so you can be more productive with your work.
Cancer
The beginning of the month is a bit more introspective for you as you sift through rigid thought patterns that are stifling your growth. When Venus and the New Moon meet up in Aquarius, there's a deep desire for freedom to express yourself uninhibitedly. It's time to come out of your shell, babe. Be mindful of inner conflict that you're feeling around the 17th. You've got some big dreams in mind but your inner critic may be louder than your faith. Try not to feed into any self-deprecating thoughts and get into your affirmations to create a more empowering narrative that will help you align with your goals. When the Sun shifts into Pisces, you may find it difficult to stay focused as you daydream about your next vacay.
Mercury Retrograde wraps up on the 20th, making it a good time to start planning for that international getaway. If you've recently applied for a loan or grant, you'll likely receive news about an approval in the weeks to come. On the 25th, Venus enters Pisces, inviting you to merge with the Divine. Spend time meditating, read your favorite spiritual books, or attend a workshop for developing your intuitive gifts. When Jupiter and the North Node meet up on the 26th, you are deeply tuned into your Higher Power which may provide you with instructions for you next steps through your dreams. The Full Moon at the end of the month invites you to get organized. You can't put off your to-do list any longer. Create a reward system for yourself to motivate you to follow through with your responsibilities.
Leo
Boundaries are your best friend this month. When Venus enters Aquarius, you're ready to get serious when it comes to matters of love. Get clear about your expectations and your vision so you don't waste time on someone who is all talk but no action. The New Moon on the 11th could have you starting a new business partnership. Triple check the terms of agreement since we're still navigating Mercury Retrograde. Frustrations may be at a high when Saturn squares Uranus on the 17th. If someone in the workplace has been a little too pushy with you, calmly assert yourself or step away from the situation to give yourself some breathing room.
When the Sun shifts into Pisces, it's time to get real about some emotional hang-ups that you've been avoiding. On the 20th, Mercury goes direct, granting you clarity on the direction that a commitment is going in. You'll have a chance to take this connection deeper when Venus shifts into Pisces on the 25th. If you desire more intimacy, you have to be willing to show someone all of you—not just the pretty, shiny parts that the world adores you for. A game-changing collaboration starts coming together around the 25th, helping you move closer towards your dreams and the end of the month affirms that when you let go of your insecurities, anything is possible.
Virgo
The beginning of the month invites you to get your practical affairs in order. Life has been hectic but try not to forget that self-care is just as integral to your routine as handling your tasks at work. The New Moon on the 11th is the perfect time to create a new routine that reflects a better work-life balance. You may be feeling restless around the 17th if you've been drowning in responsibility. If you're not able to take a vacay at the moment, create a vision board on Pinterest to kickstart the manifestation process.
When the Sun shifts into Pisces, your relationships take center stage. Reassess the balance of give and take in your partnerships and contractual agreements. On the 20th, Mercury finally goes direct, clearing up any confusion and disorganization in your life. When Venus shifts into Pisces on the 25th, it's important that you're seeing your relationships clearly and not just projecting your fantasy onto other people. You may find yourself making some changes in your career when Jupiter and the North Node meet up. Keep in mind that the work that you're doing now is simply a stepping stone to where you want to be. The month wraps up with a Full Moon in your sign, encouraging you to retire the martyrdom act and finally put yourself first.
Libra
The beginning of the month invites you to explore you to put your to-do list to the side to nurture your inner child. With Venus transiting through Aquarius, you're encouraged to explore your creativity. The New Moon on the 11th is a good time for starting a new hobby or project. When it comes to matters of love, you're looking to partner up with someone that you can make a difference in the world with. On the 17th, be mindful of how your fears stifle your creative expression. In more simple terms, stop overthinking it and allow the flow of inspiration to be channeled through you.
The Sun shifts into Pisces on the 18th, bringing your focus to your health and routines. Try to work in a little exercise routine while you binge watch your fave Netflix series. Once Mercury goes direct, you're more clear on where a casual relationship is headed. When Venus enters Pisces, you'll be challenged to stick to those lifestyle changes you're making. Aligning yourself with someone who shares a similar approach to life will keep you on track with your fitness goals. When Jupiter trines the North Node, your spirit is calling you to level up by embracing a leadership role. The Full Moon helps clear out past life energy that inhibits you from believing in your skills and abilities. Get into those affirmations to boost your confidence!
Scorpio
The first part of February invites you to tend to matters of family and home with Venus transiting through Aquarius. The New Moon on the 11th could have you considering your next move. Be mindful of signing a new lease or closing on a house until Mercury goes direct later this month. If you're on a tight deadline, triple check the terms of agreement. When Saturn squares off with Uranus, it could result in some tension in your living environment. A desire for freedom may clash with existing obligations whether it be your job or relationship.
When the Sun enters Pisces, exploring your creative side may be the break that you need from the monotony of your routine. On the 20th, Mercury goes direct, giving you the green light to renovate, relocate, or invest in property. The planet of love enters Pisces on the 25th, sweeping you right off your feet. Surrender to the magic of romance without getting caught up in the long-term. Around the 25th, you'll need to be flexible, particularly regarding shared resources with a partner. The two of you have the ability to be successful in whatever venture you set your sights on but it will require compromise. The month wraps up with a Full Moon reminding you just how important you are to your tribe.
Sagittarius
February kicks off with you focused on the mundane tasks on your to-do list. With Mercury Retrograde in this part of your chart, you may find yourself revisiting some unfinished business. When Venus and the New Moon meet up in this part of your chart, you're curious about a new topic of interest, making this a good time to take a course, buy some books, or do some research online. You may be conflicted around the 17th when Saturn squares off with Uranus. Life has gotten extremely busy lately, making it important for you sustain your work-life balance.
When the Sun shifts into Pisces, your focus is on family, home, and emotional security. This is a more sensitive time for you. Surround yourself with nurturing people and do your part in taking care of your beautiful heart. Mercury finally goes direct on the 20th, helping you get more clear about a message that you need to communicate to someone that has you fixated. On the 25th, Venus joins the Sun, inviting you to spend a little more time at home to rest and recharge. A relationship matter changes for the better when Jupiter trines the North Node. Miraculous turnarounds and breakthroughs reflect the fated nature of this connection. The month comes to a close with a Full Moon, offering you a chance to step into the limelight. Stay ready so you don't have to get ready!
Capricorn
Money matters are your priority in the beginning of the month but what's new with the boss b*tch of the zodiac? When Venus meets up with the New Moon on the 11th, be mindful of emotional spending. Put yourself on a strict budget to stay on track with your financial goals. A new opportunity could present itself around this time but keep in mind that Mercury is still retrograde. If you must accept this offer, triple check the contractual agreement before making a commitment. If you're feeling frustrated around the 17th, that's just your inner child throwing a tantrum. You can only work so much. Gift yourself the freedom of doing something just for fun.
When the Sun shifts into Pisces, handling your daily obligations is a little more difficult. Create a reward system for handling your business so you can stay focused. Mercury finally goes direct on the 20th, giving you the green light for a new job opportunity. On the 25th, Venus enters Pisces which has you feeling super romantic. Write some poetry or jam out to your favorite ballads to channel your feels. A change in your lifestyle or work is likely due to an "aha" moment you're having on the 26th. The month comes to a close with a Full Moon encouraging you to take a leap of faith to bring about the change you desire.
Aquarius
All eyes are on you with Venus transiting through your sign. The New Moon on the 11th invites you to plant the seeds for what you'd like to accomplish in the year ahead as you establish a new set of rules for how you want to live your life. On the 17th, Saturn squares off with Uranus which could have you feeling pulled between your needs and those of your family. When it comes down to it, choosing yourself is what's best for everyone involved. A growing need to create an identity separate from your family can no longer be ignored.
On the 18th, the Sun shifts into Pisces, bringing your focus to money, material assets, and your values. Miraculous financial breakthroughs are possible as well as deep healing related to self-esteem issues. Mercury finally goes direct on the 20th, lifting the fog of confusion and clearing your path of any delays. When Venus shifts into Pisces, be mindful of emotional spending habits. Although you're tapped into the abundance of the Universe, try not to abuse your power by being superficial. On the 26th, you're ready to tap into your creative potential. Stop over-identifying with the old you to embrace the upgraded version that wants to express itself. The month winds down with a Full Moon, helping you settle imbalances with your finances and within your closest relationships.
Pisces
The beginning of the month is more introspective for you with Venus transiting through Aquarius. As introverted as you already are, there will be an increased desire for privacy as you reconnect with your Higher Power for some spiritual medicine. The New Moon serves as a catalyst for phasing out old cycles and habits that you've been stuck in for quite some time (maybe even for lifetimes). Clear out your karma so you can enter into your new solar year light as a feather. If you're feeling overwhelmed around the 17th, schedule a little time in your day to do what you do best—daydream. You're not the biggest fan on the mundane tasks so it's important that you cultivate a little magic in your life on a daily basis.
When the Sun shifts into Pisces on the 18th, all eyes are on you in celebration of your birthday season. Your vitality is at its peak during this time of year so make the most of it. Mercury finally goes direct on the 20th, helping you make sense out of all of the spiritual downloads you've been receiving over the past few weeks. On the 25th, Venus shifts into your sign and the blessings are pouring in. This is also a supportive time for revamping your appearance to match the new and improved you. Your ancestors are surrounding you closer than ever when Jupiter trines the North Node. You can't hold back anymore. Your destiny is calling. The month closes with a Full Moon encouraging you to compromise within a significant partnership or choose to amicably part ways.
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Featured image by Laci Jordan for xoNecole
How This New Bond Repair Line Transformed One Mother's Postpartum Shedding Into The Ultimate Curl Comeback
This article is in partnership with SheaMoisture
For Crystal Obasanya, her wash day woes came shortly after her son did. The beauty and lifestyle content creator had been natural for years, but during postpartum, she quickly learned about one reality many mothers can relate to experiencing: postpartum hair loss. “Sis had thinning hair. Sis had split ends,” she shared about her hair changes in a Reel via xoNecole.
Over a year into her postpartum journey, Crystal explained she also had dry, brittle hair, noting that keeping it hydrated before pregnancy had already been “a task.” The 4C natural recalled going from thick hair during pregnancy to a thin hairline due to postpartum shedding as “devastating.” When it came to strengthening and revitalizing her hair, the new SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection was just the thing she needed to elevate her damaged coils to revive and thrive status and get them poppin' again.
SheaMoisture is providing us with the cheat code for transforming dry and damaged strands into thriving and deeply nourished crowns. By unveiling their 4-step hair system, the SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is equipping you with the tools to reverse signs of hair damage caused by protective styling, heat, and color and is uniquely formulated for Type 3 and 4 hair textures.
The haircare system revives damaged natural hair by repairing and rebuilding broken hair bonds through a game-changing combination of HydroPlex Technology and AminoBlend Complex, a unique blend of fortifying amino acids formulated specifically for curly and coily hair. Scientifically proven to reduce breakage by 84% and make your hair six times stronger (vs. non-conditioning shampoo), the collection infuses your hair with the nourishment it craves and the strength it deserves.
All five products of the SheaMoisture Bond Collection are infused with natural strengthening ingredients like Amla Oil and fair-trade shea butter. The collection consists of the 4-step breakage-fighting Bond Repair system, as well as the Bonding Oil.
“When trying it out, I quickly noticed that my hair felt revived and renewed, and my curls were so hydrated,” Crystal said while using the Amla-infused Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner. “I also felt my hair strands were stronger.” So much so that the influencer felt brave enough to get her hair braided shortly thereafter. “I can definitely say that I will be keeping it in my hair wash routine,” she added in the caption of her Reel about her positive experience using the products.
SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is making bond-building a key player in your wash day routines and the purveyor of life for thirsty manes. Because who doesn't want stronger, shinier, happier hair?
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Rejuvenate your hair with SheaMoisture Bond Repair Shampoo, your go-to solution for luscious locks. Packed with hella hydration power, this shampoo adds moisture by 60% while removing buildup without stripping your strands. This shampoo gently cleanses impurities while significantly enhancing shine, smoothness, and softness.
The Bond Repair Collection Shampoo is the first step in the 4-step Bond Repair system, all of which are powered by the uniquely formulated AminoBlend, and HydroPlex, SheaMoisture’s technology that rebuilds hair strength at its core.
Step Two: Bond Repair Collection Conditioner
Tailored to repair styling damage, this creamy conditioner locks in 12x more moisture than standard non-conditioning shampoos, boosting damaged hair strength by 1.5x with significantly less breakage. The creamy SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Conditioner deeply hydrates, enhances manageability, and leaves your hair looking healthier and shinier.
Step Three: Bond Repair Collection Masque
This Ultra Moisturizing reparative masque is a moisture-rich game-changer for those dealing with the aftermath of hair damage caused by styling. The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Masque delivers 13 times more moisture compared to non-conditioning shampoos, ensuring your hair feels nourished and soft. Designed to repair and rejuvenate, this masque significantly strengthens damaged hair — making it twice as strong while reducing breakage.
Step Four: Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Conditioner
Elevate your curl game with SheaMoisture’s Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Conditioner. Lightweight and hydrating, the Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner provides 12x more moisture than non-conditioning shampoos and tames frizz with 24-hour humidity control. Designed to define curls and coils, the leave-in conditioner enhances softness and shine allowing you to detangle effortlessly.
Bonding Oil
The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Bonding Oil is a multitasking all-in-one formula that acts as a heat protectant and provides the hair with moisture, strength, shine, damage protection, and intense nourishment. This lightweight oil not only offers 24-hour frizz and humidity control but also fortifies your tresses, making them up to 5 times stronger with significantly less breakage.
Featured image courtesy
8 Semi-Uncomfortable Things That MUST Be Discussed Before Marriage
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. It’s a saying that virtually all of us have heard before, and yet, isn’t it interesting that, when it comes to things like marriage, far too many people are reactive instead of proactive? Take premarital counseling, for example. If folks are doing it at all (and not nearly enough are, trust me), they tend to wait until after they have gotten engaged and even set a date.
Yeah, I’m not a fan of that because, once you’ve already “locked in” on that level, going to see a marriage counselor or life coach is pretty much only seen as a mere formality. In other words, you’re not really looking to dive deep to see if there are some potential red, orange, or even yellow flags — you’re just going to a couple of sessions because it sounds like the right thing to do.
And because of that mindset, far too many people go into marriage totally blindsided and/or thinking that they can deal with things later and/or believing that love (which usually is some emotional version, not the biblical one — I Corinthians 13) will conquer all — and because of that, divorce court ends up becoming their reality. If not semi-immediately…eventually.
That’s why I write articles like this. Wisdom says that if you want to get into something as serious as marriage and you’re going to look someone in their eyes and vow to be with them for the rest of your lives, you both should know as much as possible about what you’re getting yourselves into…beforehand.
The following eight questions can help to lead the way when it comes to this…
1. Childhood Issues
A few nights ago, I found myself getting caught up in a movie on HBO Max calledOn Chesil Beach. It drags, so I’m not (necessarily) recommending it. However, it does help to drive home this first point that I’m trying to make because it’s all about the purely excruciating wedding “night” of a couple who waited to (attempt to) consummate their marriage. Although for a lot of it, the wife was pretty annoying, you do get glimpses of her childhood that help to shed light on all of her excuses and hesitancy (and there was A LOT of both).
If you do happen to want to watch the film, I won’t give all of what happens away. What I will say is that one of the main reasons why going to premarital counseling is so important is you and your bae should talk about childhood issues.
Listen, as one of my favorite quotes says, “Adulthood is surviving childhood.” Meaning, a lot of times, marriages struggle because it’s not two healed adults who are in the relationship; it’s more like two wounded (on some level, at least) kids who are trying to make a valiant attempt at an adult dynamic.
I know many people who grew up in hella dysfunctional homes who simply said, “I will never be like my parents when I grow up,” only to turn around and be just like them. How did that happen? It’s because of something that I tell a lot of my clients: we tend to do what’s familiar, not what’s right. The main way to prevent that from happening is by being open and honest about where we come from, how it all affected/infected/impacted us, and then getting help, if needed, before jumping the broom.
2. Greatest Heartbreak
Although I’m not sure that there is solid data on what I’m about to say, I stand ten toes down on the fact that I don’t think that men look to “fall in love” multiple times. If anything, they have a first love, their wife, and possibly someone in between. Why? Because contrary to what social media likes to cram down our throats about men, many men when they fall, they fall very hard and are all in. Case in point, I can’t tell you how many guys have told me how much of an influence their first love has had on them — even to this day. And when something monumental happens, it can totally change you (check out “Your Soulmate Might Be The One Who Broke You”).
That’s why I also think it’s a good idea for you and your man to discuss what your greatest heartbreak was like — past (how it affected you) and present (how you feel about the experience now). It can shed great light into how you see relationships and love and why you make some of the decisions that you now do. It can also help you both to express if there are still some unresolved issues that are dormant there because I can’t tell you how many clients I’ve had who, when things got rocky in their marriage, the very first place they went to was Facebook or Instagram to see what their “long lost love” has been up to.
A writer by the name of Jodi Picoult once said, “Once you had put the pieces back together, even though you may look intact, you were never quite the same as you'd been before the fall.” Both of you discussing how this saying relates to this particular topic can, as I put it, “cover up mouseholes.” What I mean by that is, by getting it all out in the open, your partner will be able to know your wounds and weaknesses in that area and offer up some support and even protection — in ways you, he, or both may not have known was needed…until the topic was actually brought up.
3. Financial Habits
You know, I find it very interesting how the Good Book says that the LOVE of money is the root of all evil (I Timothy 6:10), and yet, pretty much any time I tiptoe out to see what social media is yapping — sorry, I mean talking — about, “broke” comes up incessantly. Listen, should you want to be with someone who is financially savvy and stable? 1000 percent. Should you also be the kind of person who you want to be with? 10,000 percent.
That said, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in a premarital session and asked both people what their credit score was, only for them to look at me like I asked them to strip naked or something. LOL. Well, I guess, in a way, it’s the same thing because nothing reveals someone’s financial stuff like their credit score and what they’ve got in their savings account. Yet if you’re thinking that your soon-to-be spouse isn’t going to find all of that out anyway, you’re caught up in some sort of delusion that I’m not sure any therapist can get you out of.
Personally, I think that engaged couples should hire a financial advisor and get a financial mentor (preferably a married couple) to comb through both of their finances so that they can see each other’s current state, areas of strengths and weaknesses, and so they can come up with a financial plan for their first, third and fifth year of marriage.
You know, although actually the top reason for divorce these days has a lot to do witha lack of support (emotionally and otherwise),financial stuff is still up there. A part of the reason for that is that there’s no way around the fact that marriage is a business contract (among other things). If you’re signing up to do business with someone, you need to know what their finances look like. That’s common sense 101.
4. Character Weaknesses
Anyone who knows me knows that if someone tells me that they believe that they’ve met “the one,” while they are acting like that person is an angel on earth, the marriage life coach (and “Shellie”) in me is like, “Uh-huh. What are their character flaws, though?” It’s not to break their spirit or be a Debbie Downer or anything; it’s just that I have watched too many marriages crash and burn because they didn’t ask themselves questions like that before saying, “I do.”
For instance, one of my friends (who, yes, happens to be divorced now) told me that he had met who he believed was his soulmate; when I asked him about her potential character weaknesses, one of the things that he casually said was, “I mean, she has a bit of a jealousy streak but…” Umm, sir — you are handsome and an entertainer and you’re going to marry a jealous woman? Hacked emails and tons of drama later, he admits that he wished that he hadn’t underestimated that side of her personality.
Listen, no one is perfect — not by far. In fact, if you’re mature in your thinking, a part of what marriage is designed to do is give you the kind of accountability partner that will offer a safe space for you to address, refine, and improve some things about yourself.
However, in order for you and your partner to be able to do that, you need to know what those things are — and that needs to be discussed well before your wedding day, preferably in the presence of a reputable marriage therapist, counselor, or life coach who can help you to figure out what to do with the intel that the both of you are sharing.
5. Poor Boundaries
When you sign up to become someone’s spouse, your wedding day, in part, is about declaring to everyone that you want to make them the top priority in your life under God himself. And in order to keep anything from affecting that, you need to have some solid boundaries. Boundaries, at the end of the day, are nothing more than limits — and yes, you need to have limits as far as how much your family can know about your relationship, what your friends can and cannot speak on, and what kind of decisions y’all will make that, quite frankly, is no one else’s business…including the internet’s (because A LOT of people out here like to be passive aggressive about their relationship online).
Does it take a village to “raise a marriage?” In some ways, yes. However, when it comes to the vow-taking process, that is between a husband and his wife, and if they are religious, God. No one else made those promises and that means no one else should be as involved or invested as those two (or three) parties are.
Poor boundaries are the cause of so much drama in marriages and honestly, relationships, in general. You do not want to take the approach of, “We’ll figure out what limits we should have as problems present themselves.” Uh-uh. Talk about what your limits should look like ASAP, and make sure that you mutually agree on them too. This point alone can save your marriage more than just about anything else on here.
(P.S. A great book for you to check out isBoundaries in Marriage: Understanding the Choices That Make or Break Loving Relationships. It’s by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.)
6. Perspectives on Daily Lifestyle
Something else that I’ve observed while working with married folks (and talking to older couples in Cracker Barrel; believe it or not, the marriage advice in there is top-notch!) is marriages tend to end, not so much because of one “big” thing that happened — it’s more like it’s due to the culmination of a lot of little ones.
Take how a person lives, for instance. I’ve dealt with couples where the wife was appalled by her husband not wiping the toilet seat, and the same husband was disgusted by her dishes being left in the sink overnight. A couple of weeks of this, and it’s whatever. Oh, but let it be some years? You’d be surprised.
It can actually be quite sobering to take a moment to ponder and process that, at least when you sign up for a traditional marriage, you’re signing up to share a home, bed, and life — for the rest of your life. If there are certain things that are super “icks” for you, if there are certain chores that you absolutely hate, if there are little pet peeves like sleeping with the television on or your partner being a morning person when you aren’t — you had better bring all of this stuff up now.
Many people have assumed that love will supersede peace when it comes to daily living. Chile, the reality is that you can love a lot of people who you just can’t live with. Please don’t find that out after taking vows and filling out paperwork. Discuss as much as possible about the day-to-day of how you both move, just as soon as you possibly can.
7. Patterns in Past Relationships
In interviews, some folks will ask me what I think about the whole “Does knowing someone’s body count really matter?” debate (check out “6 Things About The Whole 'Body Count' Debate That Should Be Discussed”). As it relates to this particular article, two things: one, check out TIME’s article, “How Previous Sexual Partners Affect Offspring,” when you get a chance. Secondly, let’s do it like this: if you were to find out that your boyfriend used to beat up on his girlfriends, but he hasn’t done it in a couple of years, would “That’s in the past” suffice as his rationale? BE HONEST.
No matter how nonchalant our culture chooses to be about sex, how we decide to move in that space is about more than recreation and experiencing orgasms. So yes, knowing about your past in this realm can shed light on your mindset, your perspective, and even some of your patterns — not just your sexual past, but your past, in general.
Anyone who wants to give pushback on that, I’ll just say this: it is human nature to brag about things that we’re proud of. When it comes to your sexual past, if you’re hiding or deflecting concerning it, why is that? And what would make you think that, eventually, the things that you are suppressing won’t somehow come out anyway? Real talk, a great sign that you’re over something or someone is when you can bring it or them up — not when you’re doing everything in your power to avoid it/them.
And when it comes to past relational patterns overall — have you always been the one to do most of the work? Do you tend to flee when things get too challenging? Do you ever stop to think about what you did wrong? Do you tend to handle things with ultimatums? Do you treat relationships as projects? Do you avoid things with sex? Do you not communicate your innermost feelings well?
A pattern is something that you do over and over, oftentimes very naturally. When it comes to the men of your past, what qualifies as a pattern for you? Getting married doesn’t miraculously make those patterns go away. Discussing them can help you to get to the root of those issues and if you need to break some of them on the front end.
8. Media Programming
A quote that I find myself saying often is by The Doors singer, Jim Morrison: “Whoever controls the media, controls the mind.” There is no way around the fact that media influences and impacts society on some pretty monumental levels (you can read more about thathere,here, andhere) — and so to think that what you take in when it comes to television programs that you view, movies that you watch, books that you read and social media accounts that you follow aren’t affecting you? That is some serious denial that you are in.
Case in point. I have a friend who also works in mental health. Whenever his wife is watching some trash reality television (and boy, is there A TON of it), he says that she is way more touchy to the point of almost being combative than when she isn’t. One time, he instituted a two-week fast from reality television. He said that the first week was rough for her, which caused her to realize that she was way more attached to the shows than she thought. The second week, she was calmer and far more peaceful (her words, not his). Did she totally give reality television up? I mean, we’re all a work in progress, right? LOL. She does watch it less, though, and their marriage is running smoother because of it.
As we close all of this out, definitely an underestimated influence in marriage is the media. Find out what your partner likes and why. See where the two of you are in sync, where you’re not, and what you think the compromises should be. Otherwise, you could end up with someone who is making judgment calls about your relationship based on what some random on TikTok said — you’d be amazed how many people do that. And it’s a damn shame that they do.
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There’s a reason why this article has the title that it does. Getting real — and I mean, really real — about relationships isn’t always the most comfortable thing to do; however, it is beneficial.
And what, after (genuinely) addressing things like this, you find out that you’re not as compatible as you thought? Eh. That doesn’t have to be the end of the world. Either — again, with the help of a marriage expert — figure out how to compromise or, if you ultimately can’t find enough common ground…as I oftentimes say, It’s always better to break up before marriage than divorce after it.
Words to live by. Promise you that.
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