What To Do If You & Your Partner Have Different Sexual Appetites
What would you do if you had a higher sex drive than your partner? Leave, cheat, suck it up or try to work it out? I received an email from a woman with this very dilemma. She wanted to know how to move forward with what she described as a “sexless marriage.” She and her husband of eight years were not sexually compatible, to say the least, she had a very high sex drive and wanted sex as often as possible while he, on the other hand, was satisfied with sex once or twice a month. In his defense, she stated that this is how he’s always been. She has always been the one who wanted sex more frequently in their relationship.
Even though this was the norm for their marriage, she was writing me because she was now frustrated, horny, and desperately looking for a solution that didn’t involve leaving her husband. Quiet as it’s kept, mismatched libidos are common for most couples, however rarely do I hear this complaint from women. Oftentimes it’s usually the male partner who’s dissatisfied with the lack of sex, but as we know women are just as sexual as men. And regardless of gender, libido fluctuates for varied reasons. Therefore, finding a partner who will always match yours is few and far between. So, do you throw out the baby with the bath water? No. You figure out the why and become one step closer to fixing the problem.
Throughout our lives our desire for sex changes, which can be caused by aging, stress levels, family life, work, etc. According to one study, desire and frequency issues (both low sexual desire and desire discrepancy) are the most reported sexual concerns (34%) among women. A more recent study delivered similar results, with 40% of participants reporting low sexual desire. Scientifically speaking, there are only two desire styles—-spontaneous and responsive.
Spontaneous desire is when you experience desire first then arousal. This is the kind of desire that is usually portrayed in movies and porn. Spontaneous desire is experienced more by men than women, about 15% of women and 75% of men to be exact. Responsive desire is quite the opposite. With responsive desire, your mind and body need to be aroused before you desire to have sex. About 30% of women and 5% of men have responsive desire. That's a pretty big discrepancy, right? If couples understood these statistics and learned the factors behind their desire or lack thereof, this would alleviate a lot of problems.
Once you understand how your partner is wired sexually, it should be easier to meet in the middle and find common ground that can meet the needs of both parties. If you or your partner are experiencing mismatched libidos, here are some tips you can use to get things back on track.
1.Talk about what is affecting each other’s sex drive.
Vladimir Vladimirov/Getty Images
Talk! Talk! Talk! While sex can be a sensitive subject, talking about it is essential. Respectfully communicating about each other’s feelings, insecurities, desires, and the reason for the low desire can lead to a better understanding of the issue. It could be anything from feeling burnout at work to a lack of emotional intimacy at home.
2.Switch things up in the bedroom.
Nothing kills the libido quicker than boredom. Just like how you get bored from eating the same food all the time, it’s also normal to feel bored from performing the same sexual routine day in and day out. In the case where things are dull, it's time to start venturing out and exploring. Together with your partner, make a list of things you would like to experiment with within the bedroom. Maybe you've never tried sex in front of the mirror or a new sex toy. List all the things that both of you find exciting. And then try those things in the bedroom.
3.Be affectionate, and not only in the bedroom.
LumiNola/Getty Images
Sex is not the only way to be affectionate. Hugs, kisses, and holding hands are all great ways to keep close and connected, and they don’t always have to lead to sex. Making pleasure and satisfaction a part of their whole day can help people build a desire for sexual pleasure. Driving a partner to work, preparing their food, having a thoughtful conversation, and giving them compliments are just some of the things couples can do to set the mood.
4.Take care of your own needs.
You are responsible for your own needs, so masturbate if you need to. In some instances, masturbation can be a great compromise for one partner who really wants to experience sexual pleasure and the other one who might not be in the mood. You or your partner can opt to masturbate or you can also lend a helping hand to your partner’s masturbation routine so that it now becomes a shared experience between you both.
5.Work with a professional.
urbazon/Getty Images
It can be scary navigating intimacy concerns with your partner. Whether you are new to the relationship or are in a committed, long-term partnership, working with a professional can be a source of comfort. Sex therapists, sexologists, and intimacy experts are trained to help you talk about difficult topics and guide you on how to reach your goals together. There may also be instances where the best option for the relationship may not be one you have been open to before. Consider working with an expert if you want support navigating mismatched libidos.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by PeopleImages/Getty Images
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Laz Alonso On His 'The Boys'' Character's Weight Loss And The Secrets To His New Physique
Actor Laz Alonso has unveiled the inspiration behind his dramatic 40-pound weight loss and shared insights on how he maintains his new physique through a balanced diet and consistent exercise routines.
The 50-year-old's transformation became a hot topic when fans noticed a significant change in his appearance during the new season of Amazon Prime's The Boys. In the hit series, Alonso portrays Marvin T. Milk, also known as Mother's Milk, an operations coordinator turned leader of The Boys—a group of vigilantes fighting against corrupt superheroes.
Throughout the first three seasons of The Boys, Alonso maintained a bulky appearance through weight training and high-intensity interval workouts to portray his character accurately, as described in the comics. However, during the third season, the actor reached his heaviest weight, primarily due to consuming high-calorie meals. In an interview with Men's Health magazine, Alonso revealed that his weight loss was influenced by his appearance in the third season of The Boys and the show's official poster. Knowing his character would undergo a transition due to becoming the leader of The Boys and working alongside the CIA, Alonso decided to change his appearance to fit this new narrative.
Laz’s Diet And Workout Routine
The Jumping the Broomstar's diet focused on lowering his caloric intake by eating whole foods and limiting processed foods. To further maintain his regimen, Alonso reduced his lactose consumption by making his own cashew and coconut milk while also incorporating nuts as snacks.
For his workout routines, the Avatar star begins his mornings on a trampoline to wake up his body, followed by a session in the sauna. After consuming electrolyte water and a high-protein breakfast of egg whites and rice porridge, Alonso heads to the gym. His typical routine focuses on weight lifting, but he incorporates high-intensity interval workouts when preparing for his role in The Boys.
Laz On Why He Eats Healthy
Also, in the interview, Alonso reveals that he maintains a balanced diet while working on The Boys during 15-hour workdays. He does this because once filming wraps, he lacks the energy to train intensely.
“Working on set is tough. I mean, especially on our show. Eric Kripke is a perfectionist. That means we’re working 14-15 hour days. We’re doing every single camera angle. This guy doesn’t mess around. But the proof is in the pudding. But it’s tough to work out and eat healthy during production. So I try my best to eat as healthy as possible because once I wrap I don’t have the energy to work out,” he said.
Laz On The Difficulty On Maintaining His Diet
When asked whether maintaining his diet or workout routine was more challenging, Alonso immediately responded, "diet." The actor explained that the difficulty stems from the discipline required, mainly when the cast and crew are provided with snacks and comfort foods on set.
“The diet, hands down. Because the diet involves discipline. The workout, I enjoy working out. Working out for me is my favorite pastime, stress reliever. “ It’s therapy, he stated. “But diet is what really you know cause on set they’re constantly making snacks to keep the crew going so that you don’t feel the 14 hours. Your body craves it when it’s like 20 [degrees] below outside, and you’re shooting in the snow. You want some comfort so that part becomes hard.”
While Alonso follows a well-balanced diet and workout routine most of the time, he still enjoys a variety of foods. Through his regimen, he has learned to practice moderation.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Robin L Marshall/WireImage