Wheeeeew-wheeeee. With news stories like this past June being the hottest one ever recorded on the planet and the Atlantic Ocean being on the verge of collapsing, folks can continue to debate if global warming is a real thing if they want to; however, those of us who know better…know better. And with it being several weeks into the summer season, with clear temp-related signs that are not going to let up as far as the heat (and heat index) is concerned, it’s a good idea to be as proactive as possible when it comes to staying cool — and your vagina is certainly no exception.
So, let’s dive into some of the things that you can easily and effectively do to keep your “special spot” from feeling like it’s going through the fires of hell from now until the fall season officially arrives. The cool thing (pun intended) about each of these 12 tips is they are affordable, health-beneficial, and something that your vagina will be oh-so grateful that you decided to do. Hands down.
1. (Greek) Yogurt Popsicles
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C’mon. Is there anything more refreshing than a popsicle when you’re standing outside in the blazing sun? And when it specifically comes to doing your vagina good, a Greek yogurt one is gonna hit the spot every time. That’s because Greek yogurt is loaded with probiotics which not only help to keep your gut in great shape, it also produces a lot of “healthy bacteria” in your vagina so that you are able to significantly reduce the chances of experiencing any gynecological-related illnesses. As a bonus, Greek yogurt is full of protein, helps to boost your immune system, and it can keep your blood pressure where it ought to be as well.
(By the way, if you were wondering what the difference is between Greek yogurt and “regular” yogurt, Greek is prepared in a way where it has more protein and less sugar than regular yogurt, while regular yogurt has way more calcium.)
2. Vagina Popsicles Too
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As a doula, I learn a lot of hacks that can help in the vagina department. For instance, if you’ve been abstinent for a while and this is the summer when things are heating up in the bedroom, there is a bit of a vagina popsicle (if you will) that you can make. All you need to do is fill up a condom with some water and then put it in the freezer for about an hour. If you place that on your vulva after sex, it can provide some relief if you’re feeling a bit sore down below. A hack for the hack is to add some alcohol to the water if you’d prefer a “slushie” instead of a popsicle. This works because alcohol doesn’t fully freeze. Dope, right?
3. Watermelon
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If watermelon is one of your favorite fruits, May-September is the time of year to cop a couple of ‘em. Health-wise, watermelons are made up of mostly water which makes them a sweet and low-calorie treat that will keep you good and hydrated. Watermelon is also a pretty solid source of fiber, protein, and vitamin C, it contains anti-cancer properties, and it’s able to reduce bodily inflammation and oxidative stress. Plus, watermelon has nutrients in it that will keep your skin glowing and your muscles from aching (if you like to do a lot of physical activities around this time of the year).
Why is it such an awesome thing for your vagina? Well, watermelon is also a fruit that has electrolytes (like potassium) in it; electrolytes are helpful because they help to balance out your system, including your vagina’s pH — the more balanced it is, the healthier it will be.
4. Chilled Pantyliners
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This past spring, I penned “10 Essential Oils That Are Great For Feminine Hygiene (And A Few Other Things)” for the platform. Whether your vagina — well, vulva, which is the outer part of your vagina — feels itchy from wearing a swimsuit for hours on end, “she’s tender” from a recent sex romp, or you’re simply hot and looking for some soothing relief, something else that can help is spraying some water (preferably distilled because it has no impurities in it) onto a pantyliner and then adding a few drops of one of the essential oils (based on your vaginal health needs) onto the center of it. Freeze it for about 15-20 minutes, and then apply it to your underwear. Your vagina will be forever thankful for the all-natural relief.
5. Night-Before Shavings
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If you plan on spending some time in the water (any water), avoid shaving your pubic region on the same day. By doing it the night before, that gives your skin some time to heal and your pores the ability to close. Why is this necessary? Well, you never know what’s in that ocean water, swimming pool, or jacuzzi with you, so the more preventative measures that we all can avoid, the better. Also, spend at least 10 minutes in the shower or tub before shaving; you’ll get a much closer and more comfortable shave that way. Oh, and if you’d prefer to DIY your shaving oil, One Good Thing has a homemade recipe that you should check out here.
6. Chilled Aloe Vera Gel and Tea Tree Oil
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Speaking of shaving, if, for whatever reason, you end up with a nick or some razor burn, something that will bring a lot of healing and comfort is a combination of aloe vera gel and tea tree oil. Just put a teaspoon of the gel (preferably 100 pure or cutting open a stem from an aloe vera plant) and 2-3 drops of tea tree oil into a small bowl and chill it in the refrigerator for 30 minutes. Then apply it directly to where you have irritated skin. The vitamins A, B12, C, E, and antioxidants of the aloe vera, along with the anti-inflammatory and antiseptic properties of the oil, will work together to soothe your bikini line in record time.
7. Coconut Water
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You’re gonna need plenty of water to replenish your system this summer, and a form of water that will give you so much more than just hydration is coconut water. Even though it’s made up of 94 percent water, coconut water also has calcium, magnesium, and potassium in it. Not only that, but coconut water also contains antioxidants, is able to stabilize your blood sugar levels, and it’s even able to prevent kidney stones from occurring. What makes it good for your vagina is it also contains probiotics. This means that if you’re yeast infection-prone, it can help that to be one less thing that you need to worry about.
8. Citrus Salads
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Something else that is low in calories while being uber nutritious is a fresh citrus salad. Citrus fruits are bomb because they are full of water, fiber, antioxidants, and vitamin C. All of this works together to maintain your cognitive function, keep your heart strong and also keep cancer cells at bay. Your vagina will adore citrus fruits like oranges, grapefruits, and limes because the vitamin C in them not only helps your system to naturally produce the probiotic Lactobacillus (which is good bacteria), but both can also help treat and prevent bacterial vaginosis (BV) from a holistic angle.
9. Vitamin E and a Comb
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Not too long ago, someone was talking to me about how they wanted to grow out their pubic hair; however, they didn’t like how “hard” the hair seemed to feel. Listen, just washing the hair down below isn’t good enough; it needs to be conditioned too.
Something that you can apply that will deep condition your hair and not irritate your vulva is vitamin E oil. It’s a great moisturizer, can help to heal any razor bumps or minor cuts you might have, can help to minimize the appearance of scars or discoloration, and it can even help to keep your vagina looking youthful (because, yes, the skin down there typically ages too).
To get the best results, “seal your pubic hair” right after getting out of the bath or shower with the oil. Then use a comb to comb through your hair. It will help to distribute the oil evenly and work out any tangles that you might have (if that hair is long enough) — which will help to make your pubic hair so much softer to the touch.
10. Linen Panties
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Your vagina needs to breathe. That’s why it’s important to sleep naked at night and to wear panties that are designed to absorb moisture while also not making your vagina and vulva feel “trapped” throughout the day. You’ve probably heard that organic cotton is a wonderful option as far as underwear goes — and it is. However, an unsung material is linen. It’s also a breathable fabric. Not only that, but it’s antibacterial, super hygienic, and it even helps to increase healthy blood flow (how cool is that?!). Plus, it’s good for the environment, which is always a good thing. Amazon and Etsy are two places that carry these types of drawers. Go to either site and put “linen panties” in their search field.
11. Ironed Undies
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A few years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “When Should You Replace Underwear, Make-Up, Bedding, Washcloths & Towels?”. Check it out when you get a chance because when I tell you that there are some things that a lot of us tend to use far longer than we ever should…LAWD. Definitely, one that tops the list is underwear because, between fecal matter and other forms of bacteria, it really is time to replace panties every six months. In the meantime, if you want to keep your undies “extra sterilized”, ain’t nothin’ wrong with ironing the inside of them, on low heat, right after washing them. Straight up.
12. Frozen Sheets (Kind Of)
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Listen, I don’t know about y’all, but in my opinion, there aren’t too many things that are more annoying than waking up in the middle of the night feeling hot as literal hell. Something that can help to prevent this is putting your bed sheets into some plastic bags and freezing them for a couple of hours before putting them on your bed and turning in for the evening. Not only will you feel so much cooler (without causing your cooling bill to skyrocket), but you’ll also help to keep your vagina from sweating, which can oftentimes turn into a breeding ground for bad bacteria to thrive and a yeast infection to transpire, if you’re not careful.
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See. I told you that you’d get some tips that your vagina would be mighty appreciative of? So, which one are you gonna try first? Feel free to hop into the comments if you’ve got a few other hacks too. With this summer being one for the record books, all of our vaginas could use as many cool-down tips as possible. Goodness.
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Thinking about them kinda-sorta inspired this piece because they caused me to reflect on the times when some of my clients have come to me, semi-freaking out, and it was because their thoughts about someone had gone beyond “Hey, she’s pretty” or “Hey, he looks good.” Instead, they were starting to fantasize about certain folks, and they weren’t sure what to do about it, especially when some of those fantasies were transpiring while they were engaging in sex with someone else.
You know, it’s been reported that somewhere around 50 percent of people do indeed have fantasies about other people while having sex with another person. And that is definitely a high enough number to tackle some things about the topic here.
If you’re someone who fantasizes about other individuals, especially sexually, here’s some intel into why that could be the case, along with when it gets to the point and place where you might want to consider actually doing something about it.
What’s a Fantasy and What Exactly Causes Them?
GiphyWhenever you think of the word “fantasy,” what immediately comes to your mind?
Personally, what I find to be interesting is the fact that the dictionary says that there are actually a lot of things that can be considered a fantasy: your imagination, hallucinations, visions, ingenious inventions, illusions — I mean, there is even a genre of fiction that falls into the fantasy category. However, when it comes to what we’re going to discuss today, a psychological term for fantasy is “an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.”
And yes, before we get to the end of all of this, that definition is going to answer quite a few questions as it pertains to the topic of this particular piece. But first, more about the origin story of fantasies.
Apparently famed neurologist, Sigmund Freud spent some time analyzing fantasies and came to the conclusion that, more than anything else, a fantasy represents something that is either a suppressed urge or desire and when you stop to think about what you imagine, what your visions are, what you may long to invent — that certainly tracks. However, something that you should also keep in mind about fantasies is that, oftentimes, they are rooted in few boundaries and can even go well beyond what is considered to be reality (which is something that is based on facts and truth).
Oh, something else that needs to be kept in mind about fantasies is that they are typically relied on as a mental form of escape from something or someone (bookmark that).
And now that fantasies are more clearly defined, if your immediate question is, “Is it wrong to fantasize?” — no, I certainly don’t think that. What I do believe, based on what a fantasy is, though, is if you are fantasizing a lot about a particular person, place, thing or idea, it would be a good idea to ponder why that is the case — why is that a suppressed desire for you, why are you using that as a mental escape and perhaps, the most important question of all, does your fantasy come with any limits?
Now let’s build on top of this…
Now What Causes Folks to Fantasize About Other People?
GiphyAs I was doing more research on the topic of fantasies, I came across an article entitled, “What Happens In Our Brains When We Fantasize About Someone.” The author of it started the piece out by talking about a cool connection that she made with someone on a plane, only for her to find herself fantasizing about him once they parted ways. As she went deeper into her story, she mentioned a word that definitely needs to be shared here: heuristics.
If you’re not familiar with it, heuristics is simply a mental shortcut. For instance, if you find yourself needing to make a quick decision (check out “Before You Make A Life-Altering Decision, Read This.”), you may rely on heuristics to do it (even if it’s subconsciously). The challenge with that is oftentimes heuristics will only provide you with a limited amount of data and information, and relying only on that could cause you to not make the best choice, if you’re not careful. And boy, when heuristics jump into your fantasy space — well, something that immediately comes to my mind is celebrity culture.
Ain’t it wild how people will be on social media, speaking so confidently, about someone—or someone’s relationship—as if they personally know them (when they absolutely don’t)? I mean, just because someone is attractive or you’ve seen them carry themselves well in an interview or two, that doesn’t automatically mean that they are the ideal person or that they are someone to set your own dating standards by. If you’re not careful, though, heuristics and fantasies may encourage you to think otherwise.
That’s because the combo will try and get your brain to jump to all sorts of conclusions and, if you don’t keep that in check, it could result in you making premature, counterproductive, or even straight-up reckless decisions — because remember, a fantasy tends to be about suppressing an urge or desire.
Honestly, whether you are in a relationship or not, if you are fantasizing about a particular individual, understanding why you are doing that should definitely be explored.
However, if you are with someone and you’re fantasizing about someone else, you really shouldn’t ignore what is transpiring because, although by definition, there’s a good chance that whatever and whomever you are fantasizing about will never come to pass, the fact that it’s taking up some of your mental and emotional space, that needs to be acknowledged. Because if there is something that you want or need, and you seem to believe that your fantasies are better at supplying that for you than the reality of your relationship, why is that?
Let’s keep going…
What Does (or Could) It Mean If You Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex?
GiphyIt’s pretty common that a random song will come to mind whenever I’m writing an article. Today? It was Guy’s “My Fantasy.” Then a sitcom did — King of Queens, and the episode when Doug and Carrie were talking about his sexual fantasies. The song is about images that the fellas randomly have about beautiful women. The episode was about Carrie wanting to dictate to Doug what and whom he could fantasize about because some of his sexual fantasies made her feel uncomfortable or intimidated.
And both of these are a pretty solid intro into whether there is something wrong with sexually fantasizing about someone, especially while having sex with someone else. Well, before getting into all of that, I think another article that I read on the topic brings up a pretty good point — that it’s important to think about where your fantasies are coming from: your imagination, things you see on social media, porn that you may have watched, people who you actually know…and if it’s the latter, is it someone from your past or someone from your present?
Yeah, knowing the source of your fantasies can definitely help you to understand how “deep” into your fantasies you might be.
What I mean by that is, seeing a beautiful man one time and randomly thinking about what it would be like to have sex with him on some beach vacation is quite different than constantly thinking about your ex, the sex you used to have with him and then fantasizing about it For one thing, the beautiful guy, you will probably never have access to. That ex, though? Well, at the very least, that is a bit more realistic, right?
Then there’s the fact that, again, a fantasy is a suppressed urge or desire. When it comes to the beautiful man, is it his looks that you long for, or is it something deeper? And that ex of yours? Lawd, now why, when you have your own man in your own bed, is your ex “scratching some sort of itch”? Because we all know what they say — “he’s your ex for a reason,” so why is he creeping up into your intimacy space now that the relationship is over? Is something unresolved?
Are there sexual needs that he met that your current partner isn’t (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”)? Is something currently transpiring in your current relationship that you are using fantasies about your ex to escape from?
You see, although when it comes to the topic of fantasizing about others when you’re having sex with someone else might seem like the a cut-and-dried, “Don’t do it, end of discussion” — as someone who works with couples for a living, I think the bigger concern isn’t if another guy comes into your mind during sex with your partner…it’s more about WHY is that happening to begin with. Because if you need to escape from where you are, if you can’t be present with your partner, something is definitely up.
When Should You Be Concerned About the Fantasies You Are Having?
GiphyDuring the last several months of breaking up (because we all know that sometimes breaking up is a process) with the last boyfriend whom I will have in this lifetime, I recall fantasizing about other people while having sex with him. It’s because I really wasn’t attracted to or interested in him, sexually, anymore — but I was a bit fearful of what it would mean to let the entire relationship go.
And boy, is that a huge red flag because I wasn’t fantasizing about some random famous person one time during sex — I was relying on images, my imagination, and previous experiences with other people to literally get me through the act. NOT. GOOD.
Y’all, one of the greatest and most profound forms of communication and connection between two people is sexual intimacy, and so, when it transpires, it really should only be about the two of them. That said, should you freak out over a thought about someone who creeps up into your mind every once in a while? Chile, more people have that happen than they will ever admit out loud.
On the other hand, should you worry if you’re like I was? I’ll put it this way — you should definitely be concerned because the last thing that you should be feeling during sex with someone is like you are suppressing what you need and/or that you want to escape from the moments that you are experiencing with them.
And yet, if that is indeed the case, though, what should you do?
Start with doing some sex journaling. Write down your fantasies, the sources of them, and why you are leaning on them in this season (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”). If they are tied to unrealistic situations, be real with yourself about that. If they are rooted in potential possibilities, do some journaling about how much you are “feeding into” that reality and what you think would be the wisest way to move forward, both for your sake as well as your relationship.
Talk to your partner. Each relationship is different, and so, while I’m not going to recommend that everyone just blurt out that they’ve been thinking about having sex with their co-worker or college sweetheart while having sex with their partner, I do think that the suppressed urges and desires (in general) should be mentioned. Sometimes, fantasies are birthed out of boredom (check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why” and “Common Sex Problems Couples Have (& How To Fix 'Em)”) and doing something like creating a sex bucket list (check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”) can breathe new life into your bedroom.
Plus, sharing some of your deepest thoughts, feelings, and needs (in a kind, thoughtful, and mature way) can cultivate more emotional intimacy with your partner, and that can definitely be a good thing.
Consider seeing a sex therapist. If, after doing both of these things, the fantasies seem to be getting stronger and louder, you might need to make an appointment with a reputable sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). They may be able to help you to “connect some dots” about what’s going on that you wouldn’t have considered without their help, because sex therapists are trained in helping individuals sort out the mental and emotional sides of intimacy, not just the physical ones.
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Are fantasies bad? They aren’t. However, when it comes to sexual ones, a quote by Benjamin Franklin absolutely comes to mind: “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”
And that, right there, should be a guiding message for how you should process the fantasies that you do have.
Amen? Sho’ you right.
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