Anxiety is dangerous territory. Or at least it can be. It's an imbalance; a facade that seems to point and laugh at all that we are made up of. And what's worse, it's easily triggered and has the power to alter your day, obliterate your mood, and tank your mental state. If you're like me, someone with frequent anxious periods, your coping mechanisms are necessary to identify. They likely include habitual calming practices, meditation, and more—all very known serene methods of disrupting mental disarray.
But sis, the good news is there are plenty of ways to ease your anxiety out there. The key is find what works best for you. For example, there's the EFT Tapping Method, which helps you balance out the energy in your body by tapping on different energy meridian and/or high-pressure points. You can slow down, take a moment, and control your breathing by inhaling and exhaling in accordance to this chart:
Meditation, of course, is also great practice for anxiety. So, throwing on Shelah Marie's Meditation Mixtape, which has the tools and coaching to successfully guiding your thoughts and tension back into their proper places, is sure to help calm your senses as well.
But for some of us, choosing to curl up with a good ole book and glass of wine is the way to find your whole self again. And we decided to help us all out by starting a good reference point.
Here's a list of books that will help get your anxiety all the way together:
*Some links are affiliate links. If you make a purchase, xoNecole may earn a small commission.
'I Got This! 30 Day Tips For Black Women With Anxiety Or Depression' by Latoya Johnson-Foster
Amazon
Latoya Johnson-Foster, a Licensed Professional Counselor based in Chicago, specializes in anxiety, depression, and marital and premarital counseling. She takes us all on a journey through mental instability, to help black women identify their symptoms of anxiety and/or depression, whilst teaching coping mechanisms to begin managing their symptoms.
'The Sisters Are Alright: Changing the Broken Narrative of Black Women in America' by Tamara Winfrey Harris
Amazon
"We have facets like diamonds, the trouble is the people who refuse to see us sparkling."
What better way to calm your mind than to be reminded how amazing you are? Tamara Winfrey Harris does just that as she dives head first into mental health, marriage, motherhood, beauty, and more, taking calculated shots at the stereotypes that collude black women. She disproves straight-up lies, and endearingly tells the truth about what it means to be a black woman.
This book is a hug and love letter to self--as well as all the women who look like you.
'The Unapologetic Guide to Black Mental Health' by Rheeda Walker, PhD
Amazon
Written by Rheeda Walker, PhD, this guide book has taken the world by storm. And as she states, we simply just cannot deny mental health plagues anymore.
The Unapologetic Guide to Black Mental Health explores Black mental health, the forces that have undermined mental health progress for African-Americans, and what needs to happen for African-Americans to heal psychological distress, find community, and undo years of stigma and marginalization in order to access effective mental health care, in today's world.
It's time to prioritize and take our mind state seriously, and this book is sure to do so without caring who gets mad.
'I'm Telling the Truth, But I'm Lying' by Bassey Ikpi
Amazon
Deemed an instant New York Time's Best Seller, I'm Telling the Truth, but I'm Lying is the story of a Nigerian-American immigrant: a black woman, a slam poet, a mother, a daughter, an artist—told through the lens of her mental health and diagnosis of bipolar II and anxiety. Her remarkable memoir in essays implodes our preconceptions of the mind and normalcy as Ikpi bares her own truths and lies for us all to behold with radical honesty and brutal intimacy.
This book has stacked a laundry list of accolades, all while shining the light on black women and anxiety.
'The Black Girl's Guide to Healing Emotional Wounds' by Nijima Smalls
Amazon
Nijiama Smalls is all too familiar with the suffering of black girls and shares her personal journey of uncovering the origin of Black girl trauma while also addressing the ongoing process of healing and recovery from wounds caused by past hurts.The beauty of this book is that it provides a prescription for healing in the form of a soul-cleansing process. Enter this journey so that you can be set free to live the life God has planned for you.
Because as she says, "Sis, it's time to heal and end the suffering."
'All About Love' by bell hooks
Popsugar
In a world where we are exposed to so much hatefulness, All About Love is a revelation about what causes a polarized society and how to heal the divisions that cause suffering. Here is the truth about love, and inspiration to help us all instill care, compassion, and strength in our homes, schools, and workplaces.
MUCH needed.
'Black Girls Must Die Exhausted: A Novel for Grown Ups' by Jayne Allen
Amazon
"I wrote 'Black Girls Must Die Exhausted' because, as a black woman, I wanted to see a recognizable version of myself reflected in accessible and relatable contemporary fiction. My goal was a story that could make us feel, make us laugh, make us think, and make us proud."
A fun and adventurous read, Black Girls Must Die Exhausted takes on a new, lighthearted approach to anxiety. Set in Los Angeles, Tabby Walker's journey entertains readers with an intimate view of the experience and effects of race, complicated romance, and contemporary womanhood.
Or basically, the shit we're all dealing with.
'More Than Enough: Claiming Space for Who You Are (No Matter What They Say)' by Elaine Welteroth
And what would a black girl's book list be without Elaine Welteroth's More Than Enough? One of the best books of 2019. Highly celebrated, and well-deserved.
Welteroth moves beyond the headlines and highlight reels to share the profound lessons and struggles of being a barrier-breaker across so many intersections. As a young boss, and often the only black woman in the room, she's had enough of the world telling her—and all women—they're not enough. As she learns to rely on herself by looking both inward and upward, we're ultimately reminded that we're more than enough.
This book covers so much of who we are and what we deal with on a day-to-day basis. Welteroth brilliantly tells us her story, with a happy ending to finally put our nerves to bed.
Featured image via Amazon
- 12 All-Natural Ways To Calm Anxiety - xoNecole: Women's Interest ... ›
- Best Books For Mental Wellness - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love ... ›
- 10 Summer Reads By Black Women For Women - xoNecole ... ›
- 10 Best Books for Black Women to Boss Up - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- 11 Books By Women For Girl Bosses - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- More Than Enough Elaine Welteroth Authenticity - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Habits To Reset & Heal Your Nervous System - xoNecole: Lifestyle, Culture, Love, Wellness ›
RELATED
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
Giphy
Unmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
Giphy
Okay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
Giphy
If off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
Giphy
A friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
Giphy
It’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
Giphy
I once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock
And honestly, the holiday season isn’t exempt from this. I know from personal experience because, as someone who hasn’t observed any for many years now (without one regret), you’d be amazed by all of the theories that I’ve heard as to why that is the case. SMDH.
Chile, you don’t have the time and I don’t have the space to get into all of that nonsense. For now, I just want to provide a silver lining from my having to endure other people’s yapping by letting those of you who may not be super enthusiastic about the holidays this year (or any year) either that there is nothing wrong with that — or with you.
I’ll break down why and how I’ve come to that conclusion.
Not Being “on-10” Doesn’t Make You a Grinch
Giphy
Honestly, I have some pretty solid memories about Christmastime. Because my mother grew up with an alcoholic father (and supreme spiritual hypocrite), she was very emotionally tied to the holiday because it was the only time that she recalled having real peace in her home. And so, we did the Christmas thing, pretty much to the hilt — fresh Christmas trees, baking Christmas-themed desserts, watching holiday movies, going caroling, stringing popcorn…you name it.
It wasn’t until I became an adult and I started doing research on the origin stories of holidays (check out “The History of Christmas” if you don’t already know about it), in general, that I became more and more detached. Plus, as a seventh-day Sabbath observer (Exodus 20:8-11, Hebrews 4, Matthew 28:1) — every Friday sunset through Saturday sunset was like a holiday in certain ways to me, so I never really “lived” for traditional calendar ones.
That doesn’t mean that I am all "Bah humbug" to folks who are totally into the holiday, though. For instance, my godchildren’s father acts like Christmas is a drug for him and so anything Christmas-like that he can think of is his fix. And although the girls (6 and 14) know that I don’t observe, I am good for getting them a “cold weather present” usually around the time the temps drop (in October) instead of an actual Christmas gift. And although I usually pass on hanging out with folks on Christmas Day, I’ll help bake a cookie or two in the days leading up to it.
So yeah, the first thing that folks who are pretty “meh” about Christmas need to be reminded of is that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make you a Grinch. If you recall the Grinch’s story, he did have some trauma and so he took it out on Christmas. Meanwhile, most of us who can take or leave the holidays, we aren’t “mad”…we’re just…for the most part…disinterested. The rest of y’all “do you,” though. And we mean that sincerely.
Not Being Thrilled Doesn’t Mean That You’re Depressed Either
Giphy
I’ve shared before that there is someone in my world who gets so excited about Christmas that I almost want to see if there is a disorder linked to it. LOL. I mean from the start of October on, you are going to hear about her Christmas plans, plus, you are going to start seeing holiday décor up in her house — and she’s always been that way.
Because she knows that “I’m good” on Christmas, there have been times when she’s asked me if it’s because my parents divorced when I was young or if it’s because my family lives overseas or if it’s because I am not married and never had children. Shellie, you’re way too excited for your birthday for you to just…not care about Christmas. I think you might be suppressing something.
Good lord, girl. LOL. I’m excited for birthdays because another year of life in my right mind is a blessing. Christmas, personally, doesn’t make a ton of sense to me (especially to be spending a lot of cents) and so, I’ll pass. It’s really not any deeper than that. Besides, it’s not like I’m sitting in the dark somewhere on Christmas Day rocking back and forth in a corner. If anything, I really appreciate how quiet the world seems to be (both online and off) while everyone else is doing their thing. THANK YOU.
So yeah, if Christmas — or the holiday season, period — doesn’t have you jumping up and down, don’t let other people’s enthusiasm gaslight you into thinking that you should see a therapist. That said, for the record, if someone has mentioned depression to you, here are some signs that mental health professionals say are associated with holiday-related depression:
- Feelings of hopelessness
- Trouble sleeping
- Anxiety
- Tension
- Internalized frustration
- Feeling lonely and isolated
- Not doing any of the things that you typically enjoy
Do you see not wanting to go to a holiday party, opting out of Christmas shopping with a bunch of friends or preferring to not have any Christmas decorations up in your house on the list? Yeah, me neither. Moral to the story: Please don’t let people get you down by trying to manipulate you into thinking that if you aren’t like them, something must be wrong with you. During the holiday seasons or otherwise, chile.
Use This Time (Unapologetically) for Yourself
Giphy
Remember how I just said that one of the things I damn near adore about Christmas is, since everyone is focused on their own families, I can get some real quality time to myself? Although a lot of things are closed on Christmas Day, you can still order a favorite meal the day before, turn off your phone and sleep in on Christmas Day and, if you want to get out and about — I don’t know about y’all but one of my favorite things is to go to the movies alone and movie theaters are always open on Christmas.
You know, I’ve shared before that I once interviewed a Jewish woman who was married to a Christian man. Together, they observe Chrismukkah and there is something that she said about it that has always stayed with me (paraphrased): “I don’t believe in Christmas but anything that can bring peace, joy and goodwill to humanity, even for a day, that is something that I can get behind.” I agree. And sometimes, what we need to remind ourselves is we need to set aside time to bring peace, joy and goodwill to ourselves. Use the holiday season to do that, if nothing else. You won’t regret it.
Do Private Things More than Public Ones
Giphy
Even beyond Christmas, specifically, what if the entire holiday season is something that you’re pretty ho-hum about because things like mall traffic, stressed out relatives and the busyness of it all aren’t your favorite things? My two cents would be to not put your head under the covers and just wait for January 2 to arrive. Instead, opt out of big celebrations and do “calmer and quieter” things with some of your favorite people.
Since pretty much from a couple of days before Christmas until kids go back to school, folks are not on their “usual schedule,” go to brunch with your favorite aunt (or uncle), host a sleepover with a couple of girlfriends and/or Zoom one of your buddies to create vision boards for the new year.
Listen, just because you may not be in the traditional holiday spirit, that doesn’t mean that you can’t take advantage of the time that it offers for you to do some quality things with people you care about. Just you and them. No one else.
Create Your Own Traditions
Giphy
Not into the 12 Days of Christmas? Pamper yourself for the week leading into the New Year. Don’t want a Christmas tree? Have some roses or poinsettias sent to your house. Couldn’t care less about a ball dropping on New Year’s Eve? Rent out a huge Airbnb New Year’s Eve and enjoy a change of scenery.
Y’all, just because the holiday season comes with its own traditions, there is no written rule which says that you have to follow them — or that you can’t come up with some of your own. Hell, if you put enough thought into this tip, you might look up and realize that you absolutely adore this time of year — just for a totally different set of reasons than most. Beautiful.
Featured image by Shutterstock