

Elaine Welteroth's Book Tour Showed Me I'm 'More Than Enough'
If you're someone who grew up reading every magazine they could get their hands on or are an avid Project Runway viewer, you likely have heard the name Elaine Welteroth. I read her work on the pages of Glamour. When she became the youngest editor-in-chief at a Condé Nast magazine, and the second black person in the media brand's 107-year history to take on the role of EIC at Teen Vogue (a fact that she didn't think much of until the media shed light on the groundbreaking-accomplishment), I took notice.
As a teenager, I could never relate to the covers or content of Teen Vogue. It was white, pretentious, and unrelatable. Not unlike most magazines I grew up reading. I was an adult by the time Elaine took the reins; and after I saw the tiny magazine with Amandla Stenberg on the iconic cover and read the interview alongside it written by Solange, I knew that my mentor from afar was a real one.
It's the reason why I knew I had to get to First Presbyterian Church in Brooklyn to see this go-getter on the first stop of herMore Than Enough: Claiming Space for Who You Are (No Matter What They Say)book tour since I just happened to be on a work trip to NYC. With a delayed flight, an epic sinus infection, lugging my carry-on through Penn Station during rush hour, and a nearly sixty-dollar Uber—I made it to Brooklyn late, but I was there!
I walked in and made my way to the balcony where I saw Elaine dressed in a crisp white button-down, leather pencil skirt, and her signature coils next to Lupita Nyong'o, who was as regal in person as she is on-camera. Even though I was an hour and two minutes late, I made it just in time to hear Elaine drop gems.
One thing she wanted to make sure each of us in the church pews knew was this is not an advice book. She believes the only way to find your path is to do it your way with guidance, mistakes, and great people surrounding you.
On Authenticity
One of the first gems that stuck with me was: "Sometimes your authenticity is your activism."
Damn, I thought. Me showing up in my black, womaness is an act of activism? The more I thought about that statement, I realized she was right. I made a choice in 2012 that I was wearing my hair the way it grew out of my head to any interview, audition, or job I had without second-guessing whether I'd be seen as "too much" or "too black".
Too often black women are forced to twist ourselves into pretzels trying to fit in or not rock the boat by dressing a certain way, making sure our hair doesn't look "too ethnic", or not speaking up in rooms where we are the only ones out of fear we'll be kept from building a career we love and deserve. She reiterated that "no amount of shrinking, assimilation, code-switching" can prevent who you are (your race) from walking in the room with you.
A word, right?!
On Transition
Another moment that stuck out for me was when Elaine talked about transition. That topic especially hit home for me because of my recent layoff. When she said, "You're allowed to dream up your life as you go", I got chills.
It was like she was sent there to say that so I could hear it. When I was laid off, everyone around me asked, "What's next?" To which I had no answer because I wasn't making a plan. I decided I was just going to go with the flow, and I have had more work and opportunities than I'd ever dreamed up.
On Fear
I wasn't able to get this next quote just right, but Elaine also reminded us that we should be giving ourselves room to step into our destiny because if you rush, you'll run into relationships, seasons, and jobs that weren't meant for you. While "busting a myth" about fear, telling us to "make friends with fear. Look in the face of fear, and say I'm going to do it anyway" because "fear is a part of the process."
Navigating the world as black women has and will always be challenging. But having changemakers and table shakers like Elaine Welteroth telling her story to empower those of us working to disrupt spaces that weren't made for us is necessary.
As Elaine put it, "I fought to be at the table, I sat at the head of the table, and now I'm working to building my own table."
We're right behind you, Elaine. Thank you for paving the way.
More Than Enough is out now. Click here to purchase.
Featured image by Elaine Welteroth/Instagram
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Bianca Lambert is a proud Atlanta native soaking up the Los Angeles sun. She is the founder of Mae B: a stationery company for women of color and a digital content creator on a mission to elevate the voices of women of color everywhere.
Exclusive: Gabrielle Union On Radical Transparency, Being Diagnosed With Perimenopause And Embracing What’s Next
Whenever Gabrielle Union graces the movie screen, she immediately commands attention. From her unforgettable scenes in films like Bring It On and Two Can Play That Game to her most recent film, in which she stars and produces Netflix’s The Perfect Find, there’s no denying that she is that girl.
Off-screen, she uses that power for good by sharing her trials and tribulations with other women in hopes of helping those who may be going through the same things or preventing them from experiencing them altogether. Recently, the Flawless by Gabrielle Union founder partnered with Clearblue to speak at the launch of their Menopause Stage Indicator, where she also shared her experience with being perimenopausal.
In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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Feature image by Mike Lawrie/Getty Images
I didn’t think much could get better about the blissful high that comes with oral. That was until I came across the Kivin Method.
As someone who was never a huge fan of oral sex and could largely take it or leave it, I must admit that I have started to come around in recent years. With my head thrown back, hands gripping sheets and hair, and toes curling from the intense sensations of the work my partner is putting in at my center, I now give myself over to the pleasurable act wholly and unapologetically.
When I came across a way to maximize the pleasure I receive from cunnilingus (already), I had no choice but to tap in. Who knew the key to taking oral sex to new heights was giving it a sideways twist? For those of you who might also be interested in ways to spice up the way you do oral, experience faster and stronger orgasms, or simply want to indulge in something new with your partner, the Kivin Method could definitely be the oral sex technique for you, too.
Keep reading to learn about the method that is sure to have you writhing in ecstasy in no time at all.
What Is The Kivin Method?
For the uninitiated, the Kivin Method is an oral sex technique that focuses on stimulating the clitoris from a different angle. Dubbed “sideways oral” by some, this method involves the action of giving head from a side-to-side movement as opposed to the up-and-down motion that people typically perform when giving head. (If you need a visual, this illustration is helpful.)
The difference in approach as you’re receiving head can be a game-changer in how you receive pleasure. Not only does the giving partner have access to the clitoris, but they can also access more easily the vulva and the labia, which are objectively a bigger focus in this version of cunnilingus. More access means wider coverage, and that, plus the new sensation of oral from a different angle, can heighten the way you experience oral sex that much more.
Where more pleasure flows, intense orgasms are sure to follow.
Getty Images
How To Do The Kivin Method
If you want to know how to do the Kivin Method, it’s actually pretty straightforward. The receiver lays on their back while the giver positions themselves perpendicular to the receiver. Their head will be facing the vulva, but instead of vertical, their face will be horizontal to the vulva.
From there, the giver can get to business, ensuring that they keep their head perpendicular to the receiver’s vulva while working on their craft. Because this technique can be more intense for some receivers, start slowly by stroking the vulva and clitoris sideways with the tongue, and allow sensations and communication from the receiver to be a guide of what you need more or less of with the Kivin Method.
Ultimately, the Kivin Method allows experimentation and unlocking what pressure, rhythm, and tricks work best for the giver and the receiver. Try implementing a finger or two, or adding a sex toy to the mix to intensify the act even further.
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Featured image by Delmaine Donson/Getty Images