
Jayne Allen Says 'Black Girls Must Have It All' Is A Love Letter To Black Women

From its lush cover featuring a dark-skinned Black woman with natural hair, down to its title, when readers pick up a copy of Black Girls Must Have It All, it's unapologetic in who the intended audience is. Author Jayne Allen has delivered a series, starting with Black Girls Must Die Exhausted, that is written for Black women, about Black women, by a Black woman.
Over the course of three books, Allen navigates the complexities of race and relationships in corporate America, the realities of Black maternal health, and the dynamics of love and partnerships, and she wraps it in a story built around sisterhood and family.
In this latest release, readers, along with the main protagonist, Tabitha Walker, are forced to reexamine what it means to “have it all” and question the life society has ingrained in us as acceptable.
xoNecole spoke to author Jayne Allen about Black Girls Must Have it All, her trilogy that has sparked debates, side-eyes, and “Girl….no he didn’t” moments and has inspired conversations and laughs for book clubs and readers across the world.
Courtesy of Jayne Allen
xoNecole: Let’s start at the beginning. Walk us through how Tabitha and her story 'Black Girls Must Die Exhausted' was formed.
Jayne Allen: I wrote this book by necessity. I came up with the idea around 2016, and that was a very vitriolic environment for Black and brown people, and combining that with being a Black woman, I just felt this weight.
It made me take a look at my life and what I was carrying with no sweat. This is a story about the day-to-day of navigating these layers of challenges and still being the incredible Black women that I've seen around me and that I try to be. We need to understand her daily journey, the struggles, and the triumphs, and we need to celebrate that. So I thought, if nobody's telling this story and nobody sees our worth in this way, then I'm going to do it. I'm going to celebrate Black women.
xoN: In bookstores we still don’t see a major selection of books that center Black women. Walk us through your journey and what you experienced as a writer in getting this story told.
JA: The feedback I got was: "This character is not relatable. We don't like her, but we love her grandmother, who is white." It was very interesting to feel the weight of race-based bias. Agents wanted to try and hide the characters with a different title. I said, "No, I’m [not] going to apologize for having a Black protagonist. This book is not going to hide Blackness or cater to acceptability with a different cover."
I was intentional, from day one, that I wanted this to be a celebration of Black women. I wanted readers, even non-Black readers, to come to this book and come to it as a book about a Black woman, with the knowledge and understanding that this is a story about a human being. Yes, you can relate to this person, and she has something to teach that's valuable, she has something to say that's valuable, and she is valuable.
"Agents wanted to try and hide the characters with a different title. I said, 'No, I’m [not] going to apologize for having a Black protagonist. This book is not going to hide Blackness or cater to acceptability with a different cover.' I was intentional, from day one, that I wanted this to be a celebration of Black women."
xoN: How do you think readers are going to react to this final book, 'Black Girls Must Have It All' and the closing of Tabitha’s story?
JA: I hope they have this moment of just being happy for their girl. That's how I felt when I wrote the last words of the book. Maybe it’s not a conventional happy ending in the way that we're conditioned to believe they're supposed to be. But, I think it's a very happy ending that’s hopeful and progressive. I wanted to give that feeling where you know your girl is gonna be alright. But she still has a long way to go.
xoN: Tabitha’s journey to motherhood started off in a very poignant and unexpected moment. Let’s discuss her journey on the other side of the delivery room.
JA: We don't talk about actual motherhood very often, and I wanted to examine the different experiences we face. We just talk about the various issues of Black maternal health and statistics but in, Black Girls Must Have It All, I wanted to see what that journey looked like for a Black woman because it looks different than what we see in something like Bridget Jones’s Baby.
There's been a societal vilification of Black single motherhood and the cultural perspective on traditional relationships to contend with. It was important to see Tabby navigate those things on top of the already stressful experience of being a new mother.
xoN: Readers are now three books in with Tabitha and her crew… what else can they expect in this latest book?
JA: The big thing in the third book is this theme of motherhood, but it's not just motherhood in the traditional sense. It's about nurturing and it's about how we nurture ourselves and how we mother our dreams. Some people are making choices not to pursue conventional motherhood, but that doesn't mean that the nurturing part of us doesn't get to shine.
We see Laila as an entrepreneur with her company, essentially her baby, and her friends in turn celebrating, nurturing her and her goals---going back to the theme of friendship, that nurturing of each other and ourselves---so that theme of motherhood and seeing the various perspectives on it. It was an important theme for the third book and not just traditional motherhood.
"It's about nurturing and it's about how we nurture ourselves and how we mother our dreams. Some people are making choices not to pursue conventional motherhood, but that doesn't mean that the nurturing part of us doesn't get to shine."
xoN: What readers can really appreciate about this series is your ability to give us pieces of so many different characters that at the end, we’re just as invested in the sisterhood of Lexi and Laila, Tabby’s mom, grandmom, her sisters, and Ms. Gretchen as we are in Tabitha. How did those storylines shape Tabby?
JA: I was speaking for myself as a Black woman. I am so much a reflection and a product of the people in my life. Close family ties are part of our culture. That's why you see multiple generations in the book. You have these multiple generations in your life that are influential to you, that matter, that your family matters. I couldn’t create Tabby’s character without showing the people who make her who she is.
Sisterhood is important for us as Black women in particular. Compared to our parents' generation, we get married later in life, especially when you're in a career. So your soulmate, a lot of times… is your girls. Friendship is the support structure that keeps Tabitha Walker standing, and we got to see and meet these people. I was really happy to see their story progress and mature, and the characters mature.
Friendship is self-care.
xoN: This series also brought up allyship and how that impacts Black women in corporate America. How did that come about?
JA: I wanted to examine allyship in the book because it's very much a part of the Black journey in corporate America, because we're still in very much predominantly white spaces. In the new release Black Girls Must Have It All, there's a scene where Tabby questions her coworker Lisa and asks, “Why are you trying to help me?”
I thought that was such an important question that felt authentic to Tabitha’s journey. Here you have this ally, and because of the nature of how Black women are treated in corporate America, you question when there's someone who seems to be friendly to you—who seems to be advocating for you because it doesn't happen enough.
Then you see another relationship with her boss, Chris Perkins. I wanted to show the diverse types of allies, advocates, and mentors that you experience in corporate America. There's a big difference between having someone who's going to make sure you're in the room and that you have a seat at the table. So, Tabby's got these different models of mentorship, and she has to navigate which one is going to serve her best.
xoN: In book three, 'Black Girls Must Have It All' we gain a new perspective into Tabitha’s love interest, Marc and his journey. Let’s discuss the layers that were revealed.
JA: Marc is a really important character to me. On paper, he's a person that you want to date. You would want him without really asking yourself the more important questions like, 'Who is this person behind being handsome, the success, and the Porsche? [How] is he showing up as a partner?'
I examine Marc's humanity and get behind that facade and see who's there, how he grows and evolves. I wanted to give him the opportunity to mature. I wanted the readers to see his journey, and I wanted to see what Tabby was going to do with it and how she was going to grow with him.
xoN: How do you respond to the criticism that the Black male characters in the book were not shown in the best light?
JA: It's not representative of all men or all Black men. It is representative of Tabby's choices, which start with her dad. And then her dad’s choices started with his dad, and you get to read all about that in the book. It's not a characterization of Black men. It's just these particular men, by virtue of who Tabby is attracted to, by virtue of who her father is, and how that came to be, which has a lot to do with racism. It’s a very specific story that intentionally speaks to generational legacies and how that affects women and our choices. I hope readers are asking themselves those questions.
xoN: In your journey as a writer, what do you hope to see differently when it comes to telling Black stories and centering Black characters?
JA: Often, we see pieces of our story told by somebody else, or we see just pieces of ourselves, but to see an actual book about us and about people that we know and people that look like us. That's very important, something that we don't see in the publishing industry, especially when reading women's fiction and contemporary fiction.
I would read stories where there is a Black sidekick, and she has kinky hair and this spunky attitude. She's the one that everybody leans on, and I'm like, 'This is a caricature. Why are you telling me this character is Black without showing me the humanity of this person? Where's her story?' So that was my intention.
It's not meant to be representative of all Black people and not every Black experience, but the culture is there, and there's enough there that should hopefully allow readers to feel seen and be celebrated in a way that hasn't been so common.
xoN: What’s next for Tabitha and the characters in the 'Black Girls Must Die Exhausted' series?
JA: Tabitha is headed to television! A series is in development, we have a writer and showrunner, no roles have been casted, but it’s moving along! There have been some major developments that I can’t say just yet, but it's very good!
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Featured image courtesy of Jayne Allen
Eva Marcille On Starring In 'Jason’s Lyric Live' & Being An Audacious Black Woman
Eva Marcille has taken her talents to the stage. The model-turned-actress is starring in her first play, Jason’s Lyric Live alongside Allen Payne, K. Michelle, Treach, and others.
The play, produced by Je’Caryous Johnson, is an adaptation of the film, which starred Allen Payne as Jason and Jada Pinkett Smith as Lyric. Allen reprised his role as Jason for the play and Eva plays Lyric.
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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10 Women Tell Me Why They Made The Decision To Be Estranged From Their Parent(s)
Although there are many quotes that I have used in these articles throughout the years, I’d be almost shocked if the one that hasn’t been included the most is “Adulthood is surviving childhood.”
I thought about that one, again, recently, when I checked out a BuzzFeed article entitled, “People Are Just Now Realizing They Had An 'Eggshell Parent' And The Ways It's Secretly Impacting Their Adult Lives.” If you’ve never heard of “eggshelling” before, it’s a term that is used for if you felt like you had to walk on eggshells as a kid because your parents' emotions were super erratic and hella unpredictable. SMDH.
Personally, that is just one of the things I experienced while growing up, although the main reason why I’ve been estranged from my mother for (I think) about six years now (I honestly haven’t really been keeping track at this point) is because she simply doesn’t respect my boundaries. Even well into my adulthood, she has refused to do it and it was messing with my inner peace and personal growth on a few different levels — and y’all, I don’t care who it is, no one should have that kind of power over someone else’s life (if you want to read more about my journey with estrangement, I tackle the topic in my latest book).
And before some of you come with the ever-so-manipulated Bible verse “Honor your father and mother” (Exodus 20:12), I hope you also remember that there is a Scripture that says, “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4 — NKJV) To provoke is “to stir up, arouse, or call forth (feelings, desires, or activity)”; know what else it is: “to anger, enrage, exasperate, or vex.” Funny how it is not preached or taught nearly enough that parents are absolutely not supposed to raise their kids or treat their adult children in a way that angers, enrages, exasperates, or vexes them — and think about it: when’s the last time you heard a sermon on that? I’ll wait.
Besides, unless you’re someone who has made the courageous decision to put distance between the person/people who’ve raised you, you honestly don’t get how much of a sacrifice it can be. Very few of us are flippant about that decision. Very few of us saw our adult life without our parent(s) in it. Very few of us wanted to deal with all of the “fallout” that comes with making that kind of choice because listen, for me, it’s almost like being in witness protection in the sense of having to also leave certain people who are associated with her alone as well because either they also don’t respect boundaries or they try further victimize me by attempting to impose their opinions into something that they absolutely shouldn’t (for instance, when I shared what I went through with her, one of my closest friends at the time, more than once called me “petty”…yeah, he had to go; you don’t have to defend why you need to protect yourself…if you are doing that, those are unsafe people you are talking to).
It’s not like I’m rare either. In fact, it’s been reported that close to 30 percent of adults are currently estranged from at least one of their parents (you can read about it here, here, here, here, and here). And with that being said, today, we’re going to hear from 10 women (well, technically 12 if you include the videos at the beginning and end) as they share their own reasons why they made the decision to go “no contact” with their own parent/parents.
If you are estranged, I hope you will see that you are not alone. If you aren’t, I hope it will help you to have more compassion for those who have made this kind of choice. Because although “adulthood is surviving childhood” is true for many of us, it actually wasn’t supposed to be that way. And so, we’ve had to take great lengths to go from “surviving” to “flourishing”…even if that meant doing it without the ones who — alongside God, of course — created us.
Article continues after the video.
*Middle names are used so that people can speak freely*
1. Michelle. 32. Estranged from Her Mother for Four Years.
“My mother is a narcissist — only I didn’t know it because I didn’t have much to compare her to because she kept me away from a lot of…everything. Ironically, that is a telling sign that you’ve got a narcissistic parent: they think you are an extension of them, so they try and make you do everything just like them. Since they are so bad at respecting boundaries, they don’t care how old you are — they think they have a say in every decision that you make because their ego is bigger than their love.
It took me years of therapy to recognize this but once I did and I told my mom that she was hypercritical, that she used to pit me and my siblings against each other, that she only knows how to gaslight and manipulate — she played the victim and told me that if I couldn’t accept her as she was, we couldn’t have a relationship.
That’s another thing about narcissist: they hate accountability. I think there should be more articles about parents who are estranged from their kids because they pull that ‘my way or the highway’ BS. I didn’t exactly leave my mom, but I did tell her what I wasn’t going to tolerate. We haven’t spoken in four years, ever since I drew that line. She left because she didn’t know how to humble herself, and I am fine with that. Arrogant people are toxic to be around.”
2. Iyan. 36. Estranged from Her Parents for 11 Years.
“I don’t think that a lot of parents get that they act like their kids should idolize them, which is crazy. We’re not toys or puppets who are supposed to do whatever they say, whenever they say it. Even as a parent myself, I think there is a difference between a child’s individuality and a child obeying me. Too many other parents have too much ego to think the differences through. To your question — I am estranged from my parents because they disapproved of who I chose to marry. He’s not the same faith as them but I don’t think that would even matter because they damn near betrothed me when I was a kid.
They wanted to choose my career path, my husband, my role in church — everything. It got to the point where they were disrespecting my husband, our relationship, and my feelings, and so it was time to boomerang their own Bible and remind them that when you get married, you ‘leave and cleave’ to your spouse and move on from your family. If your family accepts that, they can be in your life. If not, you’ve got to move on. They chose for me to be estranged, not me. I put my husband first, just like I was supposed to.”
3. Jahkai. 29. Estranged from Her Mother for Four Years.
“Sometimes I think that people just have children so that they can have someone to boss around as kids and intimidate when they become adults. My mother is one of those people because it’s like her whole existence centers around trying to force me to live the life that she wants me to live. I used to be so afraid of her, even if that just meant afraid of her rejection, that I would go along with it.
Then I got pregnant with my daughter and saw that she wasn’t even going to respect me as a mom — and when I saw signs that she was going to try and pull that shit with my own child? The claws came out. I tried expressing my concerns and setting some boundaries, but she dismissed my feelings and walked right over my boundaries, so she had to go. There was no way that she was going to try and raise the child I birthed. My child needs peace. So do I.”
4. Gillian. 24. Estranged from Her Parents for Almost Two Years.
“I’m bisexual. That’s the beginning and end of it. I personally think it’s creepy when a parent can be so invested into their grown child’s sexuality that it ends up wrecking their own world. You sleep with who you want to sleep with, and I will do the same.
My parents don’t see it that way. They told me that unless I stop loving women, we have nothing to talk about. You only love me if I love who and how you love? That doesn’t sound like love at all.
I don’t expect my parents to agree with my life or even like it. I just don’t want you penalizing me because we are different. Seems really immature to be any other way…to me, anyway.”
5. Aubrie. 27. Estranged from Father for Four Years.
“My father always wanted me to be an accountant, and I hate math. That’s insane. That’s what happens when you don’t make the time to get to know your own children. So many parents are egomaniacs in that way — just because I look like you doesn’t mean that I am you. Until my sophomore year in college, I just held my tongue and suffered through my education because when I was living at home, I didn’t really have a choice, and when I went to school, my parents paid for my education.
They didn’t want me to have any debt, and I appreciated that, but my spirit was going into debt anyway because my dad had me on a path that I didn’t like or want, and my mom was too weak to speak up for either one of us. By my junior year, I couldn’t take it anymore and decided to get student loans, so that I could start over and major in English. That pissed my dad off two ways because I was changing my major and I was going to take on debt.
We’re not estranged in the classic sense. It’s more like he doesn’t come to the phone whenever I call, and he grunts words over the holidays. So, I call less and go home even less than that. We’re headed towards ‘no contact’ if he doesn’t get over the fact that he has a life, and so do I.”
6. Lameeya. 41. Estranged from Her Mother for Eight Years.
“My mother? I just don’t like her — I never really have. I can’t stand how we’ll all agree that you should choose your friends wisely, but when it comes to your blood, it’s like you should be all in their lap simply because they are related to you. Toxic is toxic, and my mother is the embodiment of that. She plays mind games. She manipulates. She gaslights. She’s spoiled and entitled. I would never pick her as a friend. She drains me in every way. It’s like whenever I would even sense that she was going to call or come around, I would get hives, and it got to the point where it didn’t make sense that I should suffer just because she’s my mother. Who came up with that?”
7. Sloane. 25. Estranged from Her Mother for One Year.
“I grew up COGIC. If you know, you know. When you’re a kid, you don’t know any different or better, but once I started to seek out my own path, I realized that Christianity just wasn’t for me. My mother damn near lives at church and so, of course, I was declaring that I wanted to go to hell in her eyes when I told her that I had chosen the Baháʼí faith. Christians can be so rude. Somehow, they want you to respect what they believe, but they are so comfortable preaching hell and damnation if you don’t think like them.
Anyway, a part of why I chose Baháʼí is because it’s very peaceful to me, and religion never brought me peace in my mother’s house. Now that I’m all about this peace-filled life, anything that is ‘anti’ it has to go. She was on the top of my list. If you can’t respect what makes me ‘me,’ why are you here? It’s just been a year now. If we remain out of contact, that’s kind of on her, but I have no desire to hear her preach every time we speak. Be my mom. I don’t want a pastor.”
8. Torrin. 33. Estranged from Her Parents for Six Years.
“You have your own dysfunctional issues going on if you think that you owe someone your sanity simply because they birthed you. A good parent doesn’t just give you life — they provide a safe environment for that life, and my parents didn’t.
My mother was hell on wheels, and my father was a weak man who let her be that way. She was controlling, erratic, and exhausting, while he just let it all happen.
I recently read that Khloe Kardashian said that her mom didn’t like it when she first started therapy. Controlling parents never do. It took me a lot of therapy to stop beating myself up mentally the way that my mother did emotionally and sometimes physically, but once I got that she was the problem and healing was the solution, I had no problem letting them both go: her for being abusive and my father for being complacent.”
9. Kristine. 40. Estranged from Her Mother for Six Months.
“You always want your parents to get along with your husband — I just didn’t bet on my mother loving him more than me, especially now that we are divorced. That man cheated on me, more than once, and although I didn’t tell my mom while we were married about it, once we separated and I explained why I made what was a really difficult decision for me, she kept finding excuses for him and even tried to make me feel bad for not trying to make it work. Divorces are hard, and the last thing I needed was my mother trying to ‘beat me up’ for standing up for myself.
Now I’ve got questions about her marriage because if you think that I should tolerate nonsense, have you been tolerating your husband’s? Has he been tolerating yours? You get a certain age, and you start to wonder how much projecting your parents do onto you. Anyway, we haven’t talked to each other in six months. She and my ex apparently still go out to dinner, though. You two enjoy.”
10. Madolyn. 45. Estranged from her Father for 20 Years.
“I had an abusive father. He was an alcoholic while I was growing up, and so fear instead of love kept me in communication with him once I became an adult. The plot twist is, he got clean while I was in college, but he suddenly had all kinds of amnesia about the pain that he caused. His apologies were sh-t like ‘I don’t remember that, but if you need me to apologize, okay.’ So, our lives were a living hell, and that’s all you’ve got because it hurts you too much to face it? Ain’t that a bitch.
The last time we spoke was right before I turned 25. I think someone is more harmful when they can’t own their sh-t than when they are actually doing it, because that means they could do it again. No thanks. I’ll take wholeness.”
____
As you can see, being estranged from a parent, going “no contact” with them, it has many layers, reasons, and scenarios. For me, as I listened to all of these women, what did come to my mind, though, is — how beautiful is it that, if the “beauty for ashes” in their stories is they had the strength to become self-aware, self-sufficient and healthy adults in spite of the cracks in their foundation, then there is a silver lining in it all. You should never feel guilt or shame for protecting yourself in ways that your parents absolutely should have. NOT. EVER.
And so, the sacrifice was well worth it — because ladies, look at you now. Salute.
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