
All The Ulta Beauty Self-Care & Beauty Steals We’re Currently Indulging In

This article is in partnership with Ulta Beauty.
Now more than ever, self-care is proving to be the essence of a life well-lived. As Black women, we often forget how vital it is to take the time to pour into ourselves in order to move through the world in the true power of our highest selves. While practices like meditation and lighting a candle are excellent ways for us to maintain our peace, it is equally important to find ways to radically practice self-care through acts of pampering and indulgence. What better way to indulge than to give your beauty and skincare routine a revamp. Enter, Ulta Beauty's 21 Days Of Beauty that is bringing us all the self-care energy we deserve!
From August 30 through September 19, the name of the game is self-care and Ulta Beauty has us covered with a lineup of daily Beauty Steals®. With their famed bi-annual event, daily Beauty Steals are Ulta Beauty's way of allowing beauty lovers to try new products that might have always been on their wish list at a fraction of the price (hello, bad and boujee on a budget). There's nothing like the therapeutic act of applying a new winged eyeliner or a rejuvenating face mask can have you feeling bomb while looking bomb.
Given our current life and times, it's the exact kind of pampering our days are calling for. Thankfully, Ulta Beauty is also providing us with a plethora of ways to shop. We can do so in store, online, in the app, or even curbside pickup. Keep in mind that highlighted beauty steals are only valid for a 24-hour window on the designated days. Are your carts ready? Let's get it!
Check out everything new and covet-worthy from Ulta Beauty's 21 Days Of Beauty event below:
Week 1 Beauty Steals
Day 1: Sunday, August 30
Benefit Cosmetics Precisely My Brow Pencil
Ulta Beauty
The Benefit Cosmetics Precisely My Brow Pencil is the definition of the mantra "my brow, but better" and is key to a defined brow. As a fan fave, this brow pencil is ideal for giving sparse brows the ultimate assist with a custom goof-proof tip and a smudge-resistant formula. As a beauty steal, the brow pencil is 50% off at a sale price of $12.
Foreo Luna Mini 2
Ulta Beauty
High-tech meets skincare with the Foreo Luna Mini 2. This device offers a gentle cleanse which is great for those with a sensitive skin type. However, the beauty steal doesn't sacrifice effectiveness, as it emits 8,000 pulsations per minute for a truly deep clean. And for a sale price of $59.50, our pores are already singing its praises.
Day 2: Monday, August 31
Murad AHA/BHA Exfoliating Cleanser
Ulta Beauty
Do you have trouble with dark spots or hyperpigmentation? Get you an acid, sis! The Murad AHA/BHA Exfoliating Cleanser acts as a chemical exfoliant, gently exfoliating the surface of the skin to reveal brighter, more even-toned skin over time. In addition to consisting of a trio of acids (salicylic, lactic and glycolic) to help with skin tone and texture, the intensive triple-action cleanser also includes Jojoba skin-polishing beads to deeply clean pores while smoothing away dry and dull skin. New complexion, who dis?
Murad Essential-C Cleanser
Ulta Beauty
The Murad Essential C-Cleanser is an antioxidant-rich cleanser that consists of a vitamin-rich formula that rehydrates your skin with the moisture it didn't know it needed. Even while inside of the house, thanks to social distancing season, your skin can be impacted by its fair share of impurities, and let's not get started on the dreaded 'maskne' some of us have become susceptible to. This 50% off beauty steal also helps to protect skin from harmful UVA/UVB rays and free-radical damage while replenishing dry skin with the moisture it craves.
Day 3: Tuesday, September 1
bareMinerals Mineral Veil
Ulta Beauty
Looking for a more airbrushed finish to your go-to makeup look of choice? Well, this finishing powder is the beauty steal every makeup aficionado should have in their arsenal. The bareMinerals Mineral Veil is a special blend of minerals that help absorb any excess oil daring to infringe upon the perfect face beat. In its wake, it makes for a soft focus finish that's the matte finish most of us live for.
A first-time steal to the 21 Days Of Beauty line-up, Mario Badescu Regimen Kits are no stranger to the list of Ulta Beauty fan favorites. The regimen kits address a variety of skin concerns, from combo/oily to brightening. The Mario Badescu Brightening Regimen Kit contains products like the Glycolic Foaming Cleanser, the Alpha Grapefruit Cleansing Lotion, the Vitamin C Serum, and the Whitening Mask. The Mario Badescu Combo/Oily Regimen Kit contains products like the Enzyme Cleansing Gel, Cucumber Cleansing Lotion, Aloe Moisturizer, and the Flower & Tonic Mask.
Day 4: Wednesday, September 2
SeroVital HGH Dietary Supplement
Ulta Beauty
SeroVital HGH Dietary Supplement helps boost the body's ability to naturally produce the human growth hormone, otherwise known as hGH. For those of us over the age of 25, we might want to get in formation and incorporate this in our routine. In addition to helping reduce wrinkles, the human growth hormone is associated with increasing your energy, improving mood and sleep, boosting your mental acuity, and decreasing body fat. SeroVital helps with checking off the boxes of all of the above. So yes, you need this.
Day 5: Thursday, September 3
Urban Decay All Nighter Waterproof Setting Powder
Ulta Beauty
This product is the truth when it comes to prolonging your makeup look. Urban Decay All Nighter Waterproof Setting Powder is known to do exactly that: last all night. With its matte finish, the setting powder is celebrated for being able to prevent shine from oil, give the skin a smooth look, and extend the life of your foundation for up to 11 hours, no reapplying needed. Let's just say, we're sold.
Day 6: Friday, September 4
Lancome Monsieur Big Mascara
Ulta Beauty
Lancome Monsieur Big Mascara is a fan fave because it gives you enviable lashes for days. Emphasis on 'days'. As a long-lasting, intensely black pigmented mascara, 'big' proves to definitely be in. With one swipe, the ultra-creamy Lancome Monsieur pumps up the volume times 12, providing your eyelashes with a 'falsies' look with the glue or faux lashes. Plus, the waterproof, smudge-proof formula also comes with 24-hour staying power. Need we say more?
Peter Thomas Roth Water Drench Cloud Serum
Ulta Beauty
Get your skin on wet-wet with Peter Thomas Water Drench Cloud Serum. It's the serum among serums. This product contains 75% Hyaluronic Acid Complex which allows it to act as a potent hydrator, with the equivalent of a liquid cloud filled with moisture. This product will provide your skin with long-lasting hydration with staying power of up to 72 hours.
Peter Thomas Roth Water Drench Toner Mist
Ulta Beauty
Just like its companion product, the Cloud Serum, Peter Thomas Roth Water Drench Toner Mist is the skin refresher you've been looking for. It rejuvenates the skin while offering an instant refresher, thanks to its Hyaluronic Acid Complex. The Toner Mist clarifies, hydrates, and moisturizes the skin, creating a more youthful, poreless complexion.
Day 7: Saturday, September 5
Tarte Shape Tape Glow Wand
Ulta Beauty
The Tarte Shape Tape Glow Wand is a liquid brightener that helps you create the appearance of an eye lift without a single nip, tuck, or filler. And it does so with a soft-focus finish. Formulated with a proprietary diamond complex that provides the product with its extra oomph, this first-time beauty steal also has the added bonus of being vegan, baby.
Tula Brighten Up Smoothing Primer Gel
Ulta Beauty
It's prime time that you stocked up on this primer. The Tula Brighten Up Smoothing Primer Gel is a silicone-free, yuzu-packed priming gel that brightens the skin and binds to your makeup without clogging your pores. It does this while giving your skin a burst of a cooling, refreshed sensation.
Week 2 Beauty Steals
Day 8: Sunday, September 6
Anastasia Beverly Hills Luminous Foundation
Ulta Beauty
The Anastasia Beverly Hills Luminous Foundation is a first-time steal during the 21 Days Of Beauty event. This foundation formula is lightweight, offers medium coverage, and has a shade range of over 50 shades -- hello, melanin! Anastasia might be known for her coveted brow pencil and pomade, but her Luminous Foundation is truly one to be coveted by any beauty-lover.
Perricone MD Cold Plasma Plus+
Ulta Beauty
Perricone MD Cold Plasma Plus+ is a multi-tasking skincare collection dedicated to promoting healthier, more youthful-looking skin. The collection consists of an array of skincare treatments targeting the face, neck, eyes, and chest. The powerhouse products have the capability of meeting your unique skincare needs as well as addressing concerns like fine lines and uneven texture.
Day 9: Monday, September 7
Too Faced Natural Palettes
Ulta Beauty
Who said natural had to be boring? Too Faced Natural Palettes is shedding a new light to the richness of a good nude. Understated but never dull, these rich and pigmented face and eye palettes allow you to stunt and emphasize the warmth of your melanin.
Dermablend Loose Setting Powders
Ulta Beauty
These setting powders are a weightless, translucent powder that is the perfect punctuation to any makeup look. Formulated to lock in concealer and foundation flawlessly, Dermablend Loose Setting Powders have staying power for a total of up to 16 hours. The finish is flawless, smudge-proof, and transfer-resistant. No touch-ups necessary.
Day 10: Tuesday, September 8
Select Faux-Mink Lashes
Ulta Beauty
A dope pair of lashes can provide quite the boost when it comes to looking and feeling good. And today only, Ulta Beauty is giving you a few reasons to bat your lashes. From Lilly Lashes and House of Lashes to Blinking Beaute and Velour Lashes, Ulta Beauty is offering a wide array of faux lashes that add length and volume for 50% off.
Day 11: Wednesday, September 9
BECCA Primers
Ulta Beauty
When it comes to perfecting makeup looks, in order to create your best look, you need to start with a proper canvas. The smoother your skin looks and feels, the better. BECCA Primers are a great way to help mimic those circumstances for your best FOTD yet. The vegan primers that can be used to mattify the skin and blur the appearance of pores all while helping your makeup to last all day.
Day 12: Thursday, September 10
IT Cosmetics Confidence in an Eye Cream
Ulta Beauty
Looking to diminish the appearance of lines and wrinkles under the eyes? IT Cosmetics Confidence in an Eye Cream might be the slice of skincare heaven you've been looking for. The product caters to the most delicate skin on the face with promises to rejuvenate your eyes, helping you say goodnight to tired eyes for good and giving your confidence a boost along the way.
Cover FX Monochromatic Blush & Bronzer Duos
Ulta Beauty
Richly pigmented palette? Check. Consciously created product? Double-check. Cover FX Monochromatic Blush & Bronzer Duos features a pressed palette composed of both shimmer and matte shades. The lightweight talc-free product delivers a delicate but impactful pop of color in a seamless application.
Day 13: Friday, September 11
Urban Decay 24/7 Eyeliners
Ulta Beauty
Urban Decay 24/7 Eyeliners are an Ulta Beauty fan fave, and we know why. Their creamy, waterproof eyeliners are as foolproof as they are vibrant. In terms of application, the liners go on smooth and stay soft to blend, but when they dry, they stay put for a long-lasting finish of up to 24 hours. The liners come in 24 shades, allowing you to choose to showcase your mood across a variety of colors.
Philosophy Ultimate Miracle Worker SPF 30 Moisturizer
Ulta Beauty
Sunscreen is one of the many ways to ensure that your black never cracks. In recent years, the old myth of black people not needing sunscreen has dissipated to make way for skincare practices that will ensure we protect ourselves from harmful environmental damage, like that of UV rays. Philosophy Ultimate Miracle Worker SPF 30 Moisturizer is a groundbreaking multi-rejuvenating cream that hydrates the skin while protecting it and defending it against the elements.
Day 14: Saturday, September 12
Mario Badescu Grab and Go Duo
Ulta Beauty
The Mario Badescu Grab and Go Duo is an exclusive Ulta Beauty steal and also happens to be a fan favorite among consumers. The drying lotion and facial spray combo is a necessity to cop for anyone seeking to obtain or maintain clear, glowing skin on the go. Keep your breakouts at bay with this power-packed duo.
Week 3 Beauty Steals
Day 15: Sunday, September 13
Too Faced Hangover Primer
Ulta Beauty
It's prime time to invest in a primer that is as replenishing as it is smoothing. And for those of us looking to level up our makeup looks while pouring into our glow game, the Too Faced Hangover Primer might be the Ulta Beauty steal of your derams. This primer is a fan favorite for a reason, as it hydrates and brightens your skin, promotes your skin's tone and elasticity, and soothes while it smooths. It manages to do all of this while making your skin the perfect canvas for your foundation. This primer will have you looking like you've been minding your business and drinking your water, and we wouldn't have it any other way.
Too Faced Hangover Setting Spray
Ulta Beauty
Another Ulta Beauty fan fave, Too Faced Hangover Setting Spray is a weightless three-in-one replenishing mist that sets, primes, and refreshes your makeup look. While the primer creates a healthy glowed up finish by smoothing, hydrating, and brightening the skin, the coconut-water infused mist puts in work by making sure your skin keeps its dewy appearance. Yes ma'am, we slay.
Skyn Iceland Eye Gels (4ct)
Ulta Beauty
Ulta Beauty's 21 Days Of Beauty is treating us to 50% off of yet another fan fave with their inclusion of these Skyn Iceland Eye Gels. For those of us who wish to give our undereye area special treatment, these 4-ct eye gels are the perfect addition to your self-care routine. Tone and de-puff the windows to your soul with this 10-minute or less beauty practice.
Skyn Iceland Eye Gels (8ct)
Ulta Beauty
Just in case you wanted to level up your beauty aresenal and self-care routine by one more level, you can choose to invest in the 8-ct version of this Ulta beauty steal. In just under 10 minutes, the Skyn Iceland eye gels tone, de-puff, and reduce the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles.
Day 16: Monday, September 14
Stila Stay All Day Waterproof Liquid Eyeliner
Ulta Beauty
If you want to make sure your eyeliner escapades are precise, look no further than Stila Stay All Day Waterproof Liquid Eyeliner. This waterproof liquid eyeliner glides onto the eyelid easily, dries quickly, and doesn't smudge or run. An added bonus is the fact that this quick-drying precision liner has all day staying power, lasting well over 12 hours.
Lancome Cils Booster Mascara Primer
Ulta Beauty
The eyes have it, and the right mascara is key to ensuring your eyes pop whenever you get your smize on. While most people might not think a mascara primer is a necessary first step before applying your favorite mascara, Lancome Cils Booster Mascara Primer has other ideas. The vitamin-infused lash-conditioning mascara primer is an all-in-one product that primes lashes while improving its curl and thickness over time.
Day 17: Tuesday, September, 15
Benefit Cosmetics Boi-ing Cakeless Concealer
Ulta Beauty
A first-time steal, Benefit Cosmetics Boi-ing Cakeless Concealer promises to help you conceal imperfections without giving you a cakey look, and let's just say our interest is piqued.It hides everything, from undereye circles to discoloration caused by scarring and hyperpigmentation. The lightweight liquid concealer is a full coverage formula that doesn't crack, settle into fine lines, or crack.
Crepe Erase Advanced Body Repair Treatment
Ulta Beauty
When we talk about skincare, we often focus on our face rather than our body, but as the largest organ of the human body, your skin should be catered to everywhere, period. In order to remedy our lowkey indifference towards the skin we're in, look towards Crepe Erase Advanced Body Repair Treatment for an assist. This Ulta Beauty steal improves tone, texture, and elasticity of the skin.
Day 18: Wednesday, September 16
Smashbox Primers
Ulta Beauty
Smashbox Primers are the GOAT when it comes to oil and shine control. The transformative gel-to-powder formulas are all lightweight and mattifying, taking your FOTD to all new heights. At the same time, it helps facilitate a vitamin glow to your skin without making you look greasy. The formula both refreshes and awakens the skin while preserving your makeup looks.
Exuviance Performance Peel AP25
Ulta Beauty
The Exuviance Performance Peel AP25 helps to refine pore size and smooth the skin's texture by exfoliating dull and dead skin at the surface level to unveil healthier skin underneath. Packed with its 25% blend of AHAs and PHA, this product is an absolute must in anyone who desires a flawless complexion. Perfect for all skin types, over time with consistent use, your texture will be smoother with a more refined texture.
Day 19: Thursday, September 17
Tarte Lights-Camera-Lashes Mascara
Ulta Beauty
Tarte Lights-Camera-Lashes Mascara is a four-in-one mascara that is regarded as a cult classic in its industry for a decade. Thanks to ingredients like Olive Esters and Rice Bran Wax, this vegan mascara is a nourishing formula that provides length and volume for days to your lashes with the flick of a wrist. With Tarte Lights-Camera-Lashes, every lash gets catered to and every curl defined with the help of its 360-degree magniLASH wand.
Dermalogica Calm Water Gel Moisturizer
Ulta Beauty
Do you have dry, sensitive skin? This moisturizer is the thing your skincare dreams are made of. Dermalogica Calm Water Gel Moisturizer is a weightless moisturizer that hydrates without clogging your pores or irritating your skin. The refreshing gel formula goes onto the skin in liquid form for skin-quenching results.
Day 20: Friday, September 18
Anastasia Beverly Hills Brow Starter Kits
Ulta Beauty
The Anastasia Beverly Hills Brow Starter Kits is a limited-time kit that includes a mini brow wiz, a mini definer, a mini clear brow gel, and a mini dip brow gel. The kits come in four shades, including Medium Brown, Dark Brown, and Dark Ebony. This exclusive first-time steal proves once again why the Anastasia Beverly Hills brand has become synonymous with the perfect brow.
Clinique Moisture Surge 72 Hour Hydrator (1 oz)
Ulta Beauty
Alexa, play "Nonstop" by Drake. This song is appropriate for all that Clinique Moisture Surge 72 Hour Hydrator can achieve. The hydrating gel-cream moisturizer provides a moisture boost and is packed with hydration so it can elevate the glow of even the dullest skin. This moisturizer stays moisturizing your skin for up to 72 hours without the need to reapply. And it does so nonstop.
Day 21: Saturday, September 19
IT Cosmetics Bye Bye Foundation
Ulta Beauty
IT Cosmetics Bye Bye Foundation is a full coverage moisturizing foundation that is formulated to improve the look of the skin while also addressing the need to practice effective skincare. Wearing makeup doesn't mean you ignore the importance of taking care of your skin underneath. This foundation gets that. From redness and pores, to breakouts and dark spots, IT Cosmetics Bye Bye Foundation quite literally has you covered.
IT Brushes For ULTA Full Coverage Complexion Brush #77
Ulta Beauty
You've got your canvas all the way together, but what about your paintbrush? You are an artist after all. IT Brushes for ULTA Full Coverage Complexion Brush #77 has your back, sis. The exclusive Ulta Beauty steal has a unique triangle shape that contours to the face for a smooth and even application. Your makeup finds couldn't have asked for a better complement.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
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Relationships Shouldn't Be 'Hard Work.' They Should Be Maintenance.
Gross generalizations. Boy, if there’s one thing that social media is good for (other than acting like an opinion is a bona fide fact — SMDH), it’s speaking in gross generalizations. Take some commentary that I recently checked out by a male married influencer (name unnecessary). Although there is quite a bit of his content and perspectives that I appreciate, I did roll my eyes as I watched him share his thoughts on a post by a single woman who was giving relationship advice.
In response, there was something he said that was indeed a gross generalization (and opinion not fact): “Never listen to single women talk about relationships. They’re single.”
I’ve never been married before (which is how I personally define single), so did that trigger me? Eh. Trigger isn’t the right word (check out “Single Women: Yes, You Are Qualified To Talk About Relationships”); more like, it reminded me of how tired I am of, again, shallow and gross generalizations. You see, I’ve been a marriage life coach, successfully so, for over 20 years now and I’m even super proud to say that I’ve been able to help to reconcile a few divorces along the way — something that I don’t personally know any therapist, counselor or life coach, married or not, to have done. You see, when you have a purpose, are committed to it, and take evolving in it seriously, “status” and people’s opinions don’t hinder it.
Hmph, if anything, let me tell it, folks should applaud singles who respect marriage enough to not want to just…do it…just to be doing it. Besides, as I oftentimes say, with the divorce rate what it is (still holding at around 50 percent, by the way), seems like even married people (and a lot of divorced folks) are out here “crap shooting” when it comes to providing insights on how to make a marriage work and last — in a healthy way (which is key) too.
And just what does all of this possibly have to do with today’s topic? Well, because life is full of cynical people (chile, I am well aware), if anything has the potential to rub some folks the wrong way it would be what we’re about to touch on — at least, on the onset. Because what’s a very popular saying out in these internet streets: “Relationships, especially marriage, are hard work,” right? And here I come, with my single self, pushing back on that — AND I AM.
And you know what? Due to a philosophy that I both have and implement into my coaching, I have seen many married couples shift from “hard work” to marital maintenance. And a big part of it has been because we have worked through the following seven points — and that has altered, shoot, everything.
Are you ready to hear why this single woman believes what she does about the whole “It really doesn’t have to be grueling” thing?
Let’s proceed.
Toiling vs. Maintenance. Let’s Discuss.
The first time that I recall being introduced to the word “toil,” was in the Bible, after God gave Adam and Eve their consequences for what went down at the tree. Eve was told that she would submit to her husband and experience pain during labor and Adam was told that he would have to toil for his provision (Adam was to toil not Eve — some of y’all will catch that later — Genesis 3:14-21).
Toil is a rough word. It means “hard and continuous work” and “exhausting labor or effort.” Some synonyms for toil include exertion, pains, sweat, drudgery, and strain. As a result of Adam and the Woman (Eve’s name prior to sin — Genesis 2:18-25), Adam was going to have to work hard, continuously so, to meet a lot of his and his family’s needs. Toiling was the result of not listening. Bookmark that.
When it comes to relationships being hard work, while there are definitely seasons when a couple will have to put in more sweat (and tears) equity to get through more than others (because some seasons throw more stress and curveballs than others), if they constantly feel like their union is a form of toiling? Something is definitely up — and not in a good way.
Personally, I liken relationships to starting a garden: although, in the beginning, you may have to put in a lot to prepare the soil, remove the rocks, fertilize, plant, etc., once you get your groove and you make it a point to care for your garden on a daily basis, then it transitions into mere maintenance:
Maintenance: the act of maintaining; means of upkeep, support, or subsistence; livelihood
Maintain: to keep in existence or continuance; preserve; retain; to keep in an appropriate condition, operation, or force; keep unimpaired; to keep in a specified state, position, etc.; to affirm; assert; declare; to support in speech or argument, as a statement or proposition; to keep or hold against attack; to provide for the upkeep or support of; carry the expenses of; to sustain or support
Synonyms: cultivate (that’s a good one); manage; guard; renew; repair; supply; protect; provide; retain; uphold; persevere; advocate; hold; insist; stand by
Toiling (hard work) vs. maintenance (to keep in existence) — do you see how, while they both certainly require effort, one is way more straining and stress-filled than the other? And do you also get a bit more of why I am a firm believer that if folks are willing to “maintain their relationship garden,” expressing on-loop about how hard things are, that simply doesn’t have to be the case?
So, what causes so many folks to believe that relationships are more like toiling instead of maintenance? Good question.
1. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’re Not with the Right Person
There is a divorced woman and an engaged man who I find myself being like, “Naw, that’s not everyone; that’s YOU” whenever they tell me or I hear them tell other people about how hard marriage is. The divorced woman?
To this day, I definitely will stand by the fact that she had one of the most unhealthy marriages that I had ever witnessed and a big part of it was because she ignored rows of red flags before saying “I do” — his totally dysfunctional relationship with his mother; his very odd views on religion and race; the fact that he didn’t have many friends (and that he was low-key disrespectful to hers); how selfish and controlling he was (and still is); his very shallow views on therapy…oh, I could go on and on.
She married him anyway and so, what did she think was going to happen? That her marriage was going to be easy street? With a man like that?
As far as the engaged guy goes, I don’t think I’ve seen him and his fiancée go 10 days without some kind of a drag-out argument. He is constantly wanting to feel respected and she is constantly feeling unheard. He has been married before and felt the same way in his other relationship. And so, when he says that relationships are hard work — sir, you keep picking the same kind of person over and over again. Not getting a lesson in life and repeating it until you do? Yep, that is hard work.
And that’s why the first thing that must be addressed when it comes to “hard work relationships” is if you’re with someone who really isn’t your best fit — because…have you ever tried to put a puzzle piece into a spot where it doesn’t belong? That is indeed some hard work. On the other hand, when it goes where it was designed to, it slides in with ease.
I could go on and on about this point; however, I think y’all get the gist. Plus, there is more ground to cover, so let’s continue…
2. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You Don’t Put in Daily Intentional Effort
If someone were to ask you how much time, on average, couples spend together on a daily basis, what would you say? If you have no clue, let me give you a hint: it’s the same amount of time that most people also spend on social media: 2.5 hours. This literally means that folks are out here prioritizing their relationship in the same way that they do their Instagram account — and that is a damn shame.
When it comes to relationships, one of my favorite quotes is, “People change and forget to tell each other.” And this is probably the reason why a lot of individuals, when asked why their relationship ended, will simply shrug and say, “We just grew apart.” Did you — or did you not put in daily effort to maintain — guard, renew, supply, uphold, and manage — your relationship? Because really, if you’ve got 24 hours in a day, 168 hours in a week, and roughly 720 hours in a month (depending on how many days are in said month) and only a tiny bit of that time is spent on your relationship, how could trying to play catch-up not feel like hard work to you?
While growing up, I would go to visit my dad and great-grandparents in Dallas every summer. A memory that I have is my great-grandfather watering the lawn, every evening, like clockwork. He had the best lawn on the block too. He wasn’t sweating and struggling while he was out there with his water hose. That man would sit in a lawn chair and kick right on back — because he was maintaining his yard…daily.
If a lot of couples were honest, they would admit that they put more time into, shoot, everything else BUT their relationship — and that’s why it feels like hard work so much. If that’s you, devote that social media time to your bae. See how much it improves and enhances your dynamic when you do. It just might surprise you.
3. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’ve Got a Toxic “Support System”
Wanna know something that really makes a relationship hard? Having moments of struggle and having family members and friends who only have negative things to say. This is another reason why it amazes me that folks think that single people are automatically relationally problematic to married folks (as far as advice and insight go) when my clients tell me that it’s mostly MARRIED AND DIVORCED INDIVIDUALS who they get some of the worst advice from as far as how they should handle their “valley situations.”
Whew, there is nothing like someone claiming to tell you that they are looking out for you when really, they are just projecting their own toxic mess onto you — and that happens…a lot. And when you don’t have people around who are fans of marriage and advocates of yours (not either or…both), when you need someone to lean on, pray for you, offer insight that will “get you to the other side” and no one’s around — of course, that can make your relationship feel like really hard work. Of course, you are going to toil.
Right now, I have a friend who is going through one of the hardest times in her marriage. Guess who she’s talking to a lot? Me. Why? “I know that you will never encourage me to leave my husband,” she has said — and she’s right. Meanwhile, she’s got some married people who are talking about what they wouldn’t put up with or tolerate. This man isn’t abusing my friend. They are simply having a challenging time. It happens. What she needs is the kind of support that is going to “fuel her” through this part of her journey — not a group of folks who bring new meaning to misery loves company (online or off, by the way).
Yeah, surrounding yourself with poison when you are going through a relationship trial? That can definitely make marriage feel like it’s really, really hard work.
4. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You Fail to Take Accountability
Ever notice that when people talk about why their marriage failed, 8.5 times out of 10, they will go on and on about what their former spouse did or didn’t do and yet will say absolutely nothing about what they could’ve/should’ve done better?
That’s called not taking personal accountability and it actually helps to explain why the divorce rate significantly increases with second (67 percent) and third (73 percent) marriages — people are so busy thinking that someone else is the problem and so all they need to do is “push reset” with a new person when all that does is amplify the point of one of my all-time favorite quotes: “Everywhere you go, there you are.” (I believe it’s Confucious who originated that.)
Accountability helps you to take responsibility for your actions. Accountability helps you to see where you can stand to improve. Accountability helps you to take constructive criticism. Accountability helps you to handle things in a mature rather than childish fashion (more of that in a bit). Accountability helps you to apologize. Accountability helps you to actually listen instead of always wanting to only be heard. Accountability helps you to grow up.
If you are bad at holding yourself accountable or you are in a relationship with someone who sucks at personal accountability — hell, no wonder your relationship is wearing you out. You can’t get anywhere far or good with someone who refuses to hold themselves accountable. My advice in this instance? See a therapist/counselor/life coach — STAT.
5. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When Your Expectations Are Unrealistic (or Hypocritical)
I believe I’ve shared before that I’ve got a friend — a friend who’s been married for over 20 years, by the way — who, whenever his wife finds herself comparing their marriage to others or she rants about things that she’s dissatisfied with and it seems to come totally out of the blue, he will simply say, “You need to lower your expectations, honey.”
It tickles me every time I think about it because, what he’s basically saying is, “Now, you were fine until you went on a scrolling social media marathon or one of your friends talked about their wedding ring upgrade and now, here you are — making problems where there are none.” See, he’s not telling her to have no expectations; he’s telling her to be realistic about the ones that she comes up with — and that is some grown kids' advice right there.
When it comes to this particular point, a great example of having unrealistic expectations is to bring perfectionism into your relational dynamic. Wanting a flawless relationship is always going to make things trying because not only is there no such thing (because you are not perfect and neither is your partner), perfectionism is rooted in things like being hypercritical, never knowing how to be content, setting goals that are damn near impossible to reach, constantly stressing yourself out as well as those who are around you and not knowing how to live in the moment.
I know some perfectionists and I honestly try to keep my distance from them because they are draining to be around, so I can only imagine what it’s like to be in a relationship with one. SMDH. If this pushed some buttons, absolutely, being in a relationship with a perfectionist is hard work.
As far as the hypocrisy thing goes — it deserves its own article. For now, I’ll just say, that if you’re someone who expects from your partner what you yourself are not providing, not only are you being hypocritical, but you are a miserable person to be around as well. Because there is nothing like being in a relationship with someone who sets higher expectations of their partner than they do for their own selves. Amen? Amen.
6. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When Intimacy Is Lacking
I am totally unapologetic when I say that one of the greatest relationship gaslights of all time is believing that someone is unfaithful if they have sex with someone other than their committed partner while totally ignoring the fact that it is also an unfaithful act to commit to being your partner’s only sex outlet while refusing to sleep with them. Both things are selfish. Both things are toxic. Both things are relationally counterproductive. Yeah, you are definitely setting yourself up to have an excruciating relationship if you fall into one of these categories.
That’s a big part of the reason why I appreciated the “Dead Ass Podcast Season 4- Episode 2: Monogamy Expectations Vs. Reality” episode (featuring Devale and Khadeen Ellis) that I watched a few weeks back. Although it’s a few years old, if you are married or are considering getting married, it really is an unfiltered take between a husband and wife about intimacy, the expectations and needs within intimacy, and how to balance it all that you should check out. Something else that I like about it?
It’s a blaring reminder that SEX IS A RESPONSIBILITY IN MARRIAGE — and perhaps that is one of the real downsides about sex outside of it: since, when you are single, you are mostly focused on you and you alone when it comes to sex, it can be hard to realize that you need to prioritize your partner’s needs just as much as your own (as they do the same for you) after jumping the broom.
This means that no — you can’t be out here “not in the mood” for months at a time and then be freaking out at the thought of your partner liking an IG picture. Because let’s be real — on what planet does a sane person sign up for exclusivity or monogamy and then not expect to receive intimacy from the only source that they committed to get it from? Listen, if your partner sleeps with someone else, they cheated and, at the same time, if you refused to sleep with them, didn’t you cheat (the agreement) too?
In a long-term committed relationship, sex is one of the main things that sets it apart from all other relational dynamics. If you’re not bringing that to the table, how are YOU being faithful to the relationship?
Let’s please stop bugging when it comes to this because absolutely no one (who is physically capable) wants to be in a long-term sexless romantic relationship. That said, anyone who has a partner who minimizes intimacy, manipulates intimacy, or weaponizes intimacy — they are absolutely grueling to be around. Torturous even. And yes, to try and make it work with this type of individual…that is beyond hard work.
7. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’re Not Mature Enough for a Relationship
There is a man that I know who has been married for a few decades at this point and, throughout that entire time, he has mentioned how hard and incredibly stressful his marriage is. I bet because I have seen in a very up close and personal way that he’s with someone who is emotionally immature.
Yeah, while social media influencers are constantly talking about how they want someone who is emotionally intelligent (effective conflict management is one sign of that, relationship folks — so is apologizing and forgiving — hmm…), what we really need to be addressing in these streets is what it means to be emotionally immature:
- Emotionally immature people are poor communicators
- Emotionally immature people are self-centered
- Emotionally immature people act impulsively
- Emotionally immature people are inflexible and don’t know how to compromise
- Emotionally immature people are inconsistent
- Emotionally immature people like to play the victim
- Emotionally immature people don’t manage their emotions well
- Emotionally immature people make excuses instead of taking responsibility for their actions
- Emotionally immature people tend to overreact to things
- Emotionally immature people “go on the attack” and/or hit below the belt during conflict
Meanwhile, signs of emotional maturity:
- Emotionally mature people know how to own their ish without deflecting
- Emotionally mature people have healthy boundaries
- Emotionally mature people are solutions rather than problems-oriented
- Emotionally mature people are flexible and adaptable
- Emotionally mature people strive to see the positives and silver linings of things
- Emotionally mature people are humble (peep how much social media pushes back on humility)
- Emotionally mature people are very self-aware (about their good and not-so-good points)
- Emotionally mature people can put themselves in other people’s shoes
- Emotionally mature people aren’t bitter
- Emotionally mature people know how to be patient
Do you know how many folks out here are absolutely not with an emotionally mature person? And when a grown adult feels like they are damn near babysitting their partner — how could that not feel like some really hard work?
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Now do you get why this article has the title that it does? Just imagine if more people took all of what I said to heart and then altered the things that they are doing here. Do you get how their relationship could go from being hard work to being maintenance? Less toiling and more cultivating? Less exhausting labor and more upkeep? Less drudgery and more affirming?
Again, I have clients who’ve told me that since we’ve worked on these very issues, their marriage is easier than it’s ever been. Hmph. That’s what happens when you stop calling the relationship “hard work” and focus more on being easier to deal with instead.
Both ways. Just sayin’.
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