Big Sean Reveals That He Took A Year-Long Hiatus From Rap To Focus On His Mental Health & Go To Therapy
The first thing someone says when hearing their friend is depressed is, "Well, what's wrong?" People who are more familiar with disease understand that nothing has to necessarily go wrong for a wave of the blues to hit. Depression has the ability to take on a number of shapes and sizes. A person can be wealthy, sociable, and loved and still feel helpless in the pursuit of their own happiness.
Let's be honest. It's hard to admit that you have the nerve to be depressed, especially when life has seemingly given you everything you prayed for. But mental illness does not discriminate based on race, class, gender, or religion. In street terms: Anybody can get it. Yes, that means your man who's always been your rock, your aunt who you've never seen cry, or any one of your strong friends.
In the black community especially, when someone reveals that they've gotten professional help for a mental disorder, they are automatically stigmatized and labeled as someone who is crazy or defective, but in reality, there is no truth to that theory at all. Anxiety disorders alone affect nearly 40 million people every year and celebrities are not exempt from this number.
As of late, celebrities like Justin Bieber, Lloyd, Big Sean, and Keri Hilson have been transparent about their struggle with mental illness and how it affected their music, breaking the stereotype that therapy is only reserved for one type of person.
We all know that the first step to fixing a problem is admitting that you have one, and that's exactly what these artists had to do to find true relief from their anxieties. After taking the last year away from music to focus on his mental health, for his 31st birthday, Big Sean returned to Instagram with a teaser for some brand new music and a refreshed outlook on life.
The rapper explained that around this time last year, life looked much different for him. He revealed in his three-part video post that although on the outside, everything was looking up, he was battling mental turmoil internally. Last June, Big Sean shocked fans when he announced that he would be cutting his tour short and proved that black men suffer from depression, too.
"I'm big on energy, and I wasn't feeling like myself and I couldn't figure out why. So what I did was I stepped back from everything I was doing, everything I had going on, because somewhere in the middle of it, I just felt lost and I didn't know how I got there."
When the rapper realized that his relationships were suffering, especially the one he has with his mother, he knew that enough was enough. Big Sean revealed that although he discovered the skill of meditation to help cope with his issues as a teenager, at this point, he knew it was time to seek help from a medical professional. He explained:
"I been meditating since I was 17 years old. That helps with anxiety, depression, all those things I had experienced in my life. It wasn't doing it all the way for this, so I knew this required some special attention."
When you break your leg or sprain your wrist, you go see a doctor so that you can properly heal, right? Well, when you're dealing with an ailment of your mind, why should its circumstances be any different? Just like physical wounds, emotional wounds deserve the chance to be diagnosed, nurtured, and treated by a medical professional, and that's exactly what Big Sean did.
The rapper told his fans that along with spending time alone and refining his circle of friends, having a therapist was an essential part of his healing process. Even though he was initially reluctant to tell his friends about seeking professional help, he grew to understand there is absolutely no shame in loving yourself unconditionally enough to know (and ask) when you need help.
"I started realizing that you can't give or depend on somebody for a good time if you can't give it to yourself. So, started doing things by myself, doing things I never thought I'd do, like going skydiving or whatever I thought was fun, just doing it. In the midst, I definitely rediscovered myself and found a whole new energy, and me being the source of it and not somebody else."
The Detroit native had this advice for anyone else that may be fighting their own battle with depression or anxiety:
"Put the energy back into yourself, be clear about what you want to do, who you want to do it with. Just know that it all translates to happiness."
Keri Hilson also revealed that depression was the reason for her hiatus from music last year, and has since been open about seeking counseling and attending therapy regularly. Although it took a bit of searching, Keri ultimately found a regular therapist that helped her look at her issues objectively, and she developed some tough skin in the process. Last year at the Silence The Shame conference in Atlanta the singer shared that therapy is a process that will break you down to build you up.
"It uproots for the sake of healing. So it's a process. It's not that you go and sit there one time and feel good. Many days, I wouldn't feel good going or leaving."
Now, 10 years after the studio release of her debut album, Keri recently revealed that she'll be back in the R&B game this summer with a new sound and state of mind.
"Today marks 10 years since the release of my first studio album, 'In A Perfect World'. I didn't mean to be gone so long, I only needed my real world to be perfect…it is now. Thank you for your patience. The wait is over."
Keri and Big Sean are proof that mental illness doesn't make you defective, and seeking therapy or help from a medical professional doesn't make you crazy. Depression is tricky, and it doesn't always look like spending the whole day in bed crying. Sometimes depression is losing passion for things you once loved, feeling distant in relationships you were once very close to, and lower than normal self-esteem. Regardless of gender, race, or religion, everyone deserves the opportunity to heal, but the first step in healing is admitting your brokenness.
Big ups to both of these amazing artists for sharing their struggle and joining in on the fight to destigmatize mental illness in the black community, the streets are waiting on your new music!
Featured image by Christian Vierig/Getty Images.
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Taylor "Pretty" Honore is a spiritually centered and equally provocative rapper from Baton Rouge, Louisiana with a love for people and storytelling. You can probably find me planting herbs in your local community garden, blasting "Back That Thang Up" from my mini speaker. Let's get to know each other: @prettyhonore.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me for a top complaint that I hear husbands say (first) and then wives state (second) as it relates to what goes down (or doesn’t go down) in the bedroom.
Ladies first: when it comes to women, I think what comes up more than anything might surprise some: it’s boredom. A lot of wives want there to be more spontaneity instead of taking the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach from their partner. As for men? I mean, would anyone be shocked to hear that they wished their wife would initiate sex more often?
I’m telling you, over frequency, technique, and even dressing up more for bed (and yes, those things also come up quite a bit), hands down, what I hear that more men want is for their partner to show them that they are desired by taking the initial steps to make copulation happen…more often.
And so, since I’m all about doing whatever I can to reduce dissatisfaction and frustration in the bedroom department, let’s explore this very topic today — from a few angles. For starters, what it truly means to be a sexual initiator; two, why it’s so vitally important to be a sexual initiator, and three, why it could literally change the entire tone, energy, and outcome of your sex life with your partner — if you’d simply be open to initiating sex more often than you (probably already) do.
What It Means to Initiate Something. LITERALLY.
Giphy
I’m word-literal — there’s no secret about that. So, when it comes to the topic of initiating sex, let’s start with what the word means. To initiate is “to begin, set going, or originate” and “to introduce into the knowledge of some art or subject.” Some synonyms for initiate include begin, open, set up, trigger, admit, introduce, and invest. And when it comes to all of the meanings of these words, between men and women, when it comes to sex specifically, guess who does it more? Men. BY A LONG SHOT TOO: a whopping 60 percent.
When it comes to why a lot of women are so comfortable with men initiating intimacy, many think that, just like men should pursue them for a relationship, it is also “the man’s role” to pursue sex in the bedroom; they literally think that it makes them look desperate or needy for them to be the initiator — yes, even as a wife. What in the world?
Listen, when two people sign up to be each other’s exclusive sex partner until death parts them, it means they are both saying that they desire each other so much that they are willing to make that kind of commitment — and so, there should be no “I don’t want to appear this way or that” when it comes to sexual activity.
So, with all of that ridiculous overthinking out of the way, that should make you want to “set up” some sex plans, “admit” to some sexual fantasies that you may have, and “introduce” some new ideas to your partner; especially since that’s exactly what so many men wish that their lady would do, to begin with.
So, with all of this said, if you’re someone who is hung up on not initiating, first spend some time really processing what the word means. Because when two people are eager to begin sex and invest in each other sexually, that is the recipe for a truly satisfying experience…over and over and over again.
C’mon. Who Doesn’t Want to Feel Wanted?
GiphyI remember once reading an article that said our brain processes rejection the same way that it does physical pain, and y’all, I don’t know about you, but if something is physically hurting me, my natural inclination is to get away from it. Along these lines, when it comes to relationships since research has proven that rejection can lead to things like jealousy, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and guilt — yes, it makes all of the common sense in the world that you would want to do all that you can to make your partner feel wanted…both in and outside of the bedroom because, just like no one wants to deal with physical pain, no one wants to keep dealing with rejection and all of the fallout that comes with it…either.
Actually, when it comes to this particular point, I think that an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s site said it best: “Not only does being needed help define your role in a relationship, but being needed can also influence how satisfied you feel in a relationship.” And before some of you say that “sex is not a need” — the hell you say? I mean, the only purpose of your clitoris is to provide sexual stimulation, so that alone should make us all deem sex (and sexual fulfillment) as pretty damn important.
Plus, by definition, a need is something that is deemed as being essential while also being something that is extremely necessary, and anyone who thinks that a romantic relationship doesn’t need physical intimacy? That’s someone who really needs to remain single because one of the top things that makes a relationship more than a friendship is there is intimacy that’s involved.
Besides, who doesn’t want to feel wanted by their partner — and I do mean, in every way? And when you make the decision to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else, you are declaring that they are someone who pleases you to the point where you don’t need to look for anyone else to do it; and, if that is indeed what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t initiate sex with them sometimes (and I do mean more than on their birthday).
One, because you choose them to “fill that role.” Two, because they are the source of your fulfillment in that area. Three, because it’s completely unfair (not to mention totally hypocritical) to expect them to make you feel wanted when you’re not being intentional about making them feel the same way in return. Not to mention the fact that initiating also helps to safeguard your relationship on a lot of levels too.
Since sex is important and rejection is detrimental on so many levels, it’s crucial to make your partner feel sexually wanted and desired by you. One way to definitely do that is to initiate sex.
What Initiating Sex Does for You
GiphySo, what does initiating sex do for the initiator? Something that I tell a lot of my women clients is it helps them to create an atmosphere that puts them in the mood. What I mean by that is, if their husband is perfectly content having sex on the couch during commercials (I’m kind of exaggerating to make a point…kind of…LOL) while they would like some candles, mood music, and rose petals — they can control that if they are the one who initiates.
Another perk that comes with being the initiator is you have more “control” over how the sex goes. The kind of foreplay you want, how fast or slow things go, how intercourse begins — all of this, you have more of a say so in if you’re the one who is initiating intimacy. Why? Well, think about when your bae initiates — doesn’t it seem like you tend to follow his lead more when he’s the one who is first to get the ball rolling?
Oftentimes, when a couple comes to me about being sexually dissatisfied, and I recommend that the one who doesn’t initiate takes more initiative, the one on the receiving end likes the fact that their partner is “running the show” — and the initiator likes “being in charge” more than they thought that they would. As a result, both end up experiencing far more pleasure.
The initiator shows what they want more of while the receiver feels desired in the process. A win/win for everyone.
What Initiating Sex Does for Him
sexy black and white GIFGiphyA couple of weeks ago, while in a session with a client, he was joking about how much he has “too much of a good thing” when it comes to his wife’s libido. Although science says that the fact that men have a higher amount of testosterone in their system, and it is the reason why they typically have a higher sex drive, don’t sleep on a lot of women out there who want to get it in more than their husband does. His wife is one of them. Since she’s a client of mine too (oftentimes, we do our sessions separately), it’s interesting that he’s fine with having sex a couple of times a month while she would like to a couple of times a week.
So, is he denying her when she wants it more often? Nope. The reason why they’re not having more sex is that even though her drive is higher, she still waits for him to initiate. Why? Because she thinks that’s what “the man should do”; not only that but “being wooed” turns her on more.
As I’ve been working on helping them to find a middle ground (because if marriage ain’t about compromise, I don’t know what is), he says that he feels like because he plans a lot of the dates, he wishes that she would initiate more: “I don’t think a lot of women get how hard it is to be a Black man out here. Nothing feels better than knowing that if no one else is thrilled by your presence, your woman is. For us, initiating isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted as a whole. And when we feel like our woman adores us, there is no greater turn-on.”
I’m not sure what y’all heard, but what it sounds like to me is when we, as women, initiate sex, men feel holistically special and cherished. That makes sense, too, because if we were to put our feet in their shoes, we would probably say the same thing. That’s just one more reason to pull the “gender roles” out of this topic; men and women both want to feel like they are the best thing on the planet by their sex partners. And again, initiating helps us all to feel that way.
What Initiating Ultimately Does for Your Relationship As a Whole
Issa Rae Love GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphyPersonally, I can only imagine how much better sex would be for everyone (who is in a sexual relationship) if people simply initiated copulation whenever they wanted to have it. That way, everyone would feel desired — and what could possibly be wrong with that? Especially if both individuals factored in some of the definitions for initiated that I already shared. Just think about if you rushed home tonight because you read about something that you want to introduce to your man or there’s a fantasy that you have that you want to admit.
The mere conversations alone will help to bring the two of you closer together because, after all, deep intimacy is about minds, bodies, and spirits getting as close as possible…right? And so, yes, by initiating sex, it can bring more closeness and stability to the relationship as a whole.
And what if you initiate and your partner isn’t interested at the time? Or what if you’re shy about initiating due to having a fear of rejection? That’s a fair and legitimate concern. One day, I’ll need to pen an article on how couples should handle situations like that with grace (on both ends) while applying the golden rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” For now, I’ll just say that if this is your greatest point of concern, share that with your partner as well.
After all, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect them to always want it when you do (although it’s been my experience and observation that men are almost always far easier to convince…LOL); just know that not wanting sex at the exact moment that you do doesn’t mean that they don’t want you altogether. Besides, oftentimes, a nap or a night of sleep can rectify that issue. Trust me.
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Rihanna was actually once quoted as saying, “To me, sex is power. It’s empowering to do it because you want to do it.” I personally think that’s a great way to bring this to a close. Make your partner feel wonderful, empower yourself, and strengthen your relationship by initiating sex more often. I can’t think of one reason why it’s not a wise move. Can you?
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Featured image by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images