Life is a funny thing. A few weeks back, when the whole story about a Charlotte-based beat-master being discovered by Meek Mill went viral, I smiled. For a few reasons, actually. First, it was another reminder of how your passion will pave a way, oftentimes in ways (and at times) that you never would predict. Second, it was also a reminder of the power of social media. One tweet, by a guy who had 10,000 followers at that time, caused not only Meek to find Trizzy but Billboard, BuzzFeed, The Jasmine Brand and so many other publications picked it up, that it really is too many to count. The third reason why I found the story to be pretty dope is because the co-producer of the song that Trizzy sampled—"In My Mind" by Heather Headley—was created by a friend of mine, SHANNON SANDERS, an award-winning producer who recorded the original, original version 20 years ago this year (check it out here; it's pretty dope too!).
Now watch how all of these dots connect, because they do. With all of the hype that surrounded the song, I went back and watched the visual for the Heather Headley version of "In My Mind". For one thing, the song is still bangin' all these years later and two, honestly, for nostalgia's sake. It took me back to late 2006 and having a breakfast meeting with SHANNON. I had mentioned to him that I had a book that came out two years prior and, because India.Arie wrote the foreword for it and he was her musical director at the time, he wanted a copy. After checking out the first couple of chapters, being the big brother to me that he is, he teased, "Who was this guy you were all in love with?" After providing a few details, he said, "You mean...[so-and-so]?!" (I'm leaving the name out on purpose.) "I've done some work before with him. He's a cool brotha." Lord, how small can the world be?!
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Ever since SHANNON found out that my first love was a former creative client of his, whenever I would see him, SHANNON would sing the chorus to "In My Mind" (see how all of that came full circle?). And you know what? Until I ended up running into my ex, a whopping nine years later, that song made me believe that it was gonna play out a lot like the lyrics did—having a difficult time seeing him with another woman, running into one of his relatives and it choking me all up, feeling like no matter what was going on, I would always consider myself to be his lady.
Boy, music can have you out here creating all kinds of scenarios that aren't even close to reality. That's how powerful it is.
But here's the thing. When I actually did run into my ex—randomly at a Kroger's and yes, he was with a woman—while I was in complete shock and, because he was my first love, there was a bit of a "jump" in my heart and stomach. I didn't feel what Heather—or SHANNON, for that matter—sang about. He has always been fine, but it wasn't the kind of fine that I recalled or was even super drawn to; he had changed some. The woman he was with caused me to SMH, but not because he was with her; it was because he's never not with a woman (that was a part of the problem that we had in the first place). One of his cousins lives in the same area that I do, so I tend to run into him every few months or so. He always says something slick about me and my ex being destined for one another.
Ironically, the last time he said something along those lines, it was while running into him at the same grocery store, on my ex's birthday. My casual response was, "Tell him 'Happy Birthday' and that it's probably time to settle down and get a wife." And by "wife", I did not mean me.
So again, while both versions of "In My Mind" claps, bumps and does whatever word the younger-than-the-millennials would use, running into my ex actually did not bring forth the experience that that song speaks of.
Hmph. Come to think of it, none of my run-ins with exes have. I remember running into an ex at a church function, chatting it up for a bit and thinking to myself, "Wow. We have nothing in common anymore." I ran into another one and asked myself, "Did you always look this way?" because I didn't feel one ounce of attraction. Not one. Then there's the ex that I saw at the mall who totally made my stomach turn because, even though he was with his wife and one of his children, as I walked past him, he found a way to wink at me while his spouse wasn't looking. Then there's the one who, when we first ended our situationship, I was mad at both him and God (not necessarily in that order either), but when we met up to discuss what happened and where things stand now, I realized that, no matter how much I loved him, I had been spared—and then some.
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And all of those instances got me to thinking about what a lot of women used to write and tell me back when I was running a single woman's blog. That out of all of the things that they dread happening to them, they'd rather get a pap smear, see their dentist or work an 70-hour work week than run into an ex of theirs; especially one who they really cared about or one where the break-up was hard or even devastating. If that's you, I hear ya, loud and clear. Still, unless ole' boy was abusive or a stalker, I'm actually hoping that you do because, from my personal experience, that can play a significant role in the healing/closure/full resolve process.
I'll use the ex that I saw at a church function as an example. When we broke up, it was pretty difficult for the both of us. So difficult, in fact, that I was quietly hoping that we could avoid each other forever because, while the relationship had definitely run its course and needed to end, there was a part of me that thought that seeing him would still be painful. If I had only processed all of this in hypotheticals, a part of me would have remained stuck. Not so stuck that I couldn't date someone else but stuck in the sense that a part of my heart would've still had a bit of an unhealed wound on it.
I didn't actually know how healed I was until we locked eyes, then walked up to one another, then awkwardly hugged it out and then tried to hold a conversation for 15 minutes or so. It was then when I was like, "Wow, that season is truly over and yes, I am really over you." Before running into him, I assumed that to be the case; actually seeing him is what confirmed that to be so.
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In the Classic Amplified Version of Scripture, there is a verse that says, "The lot is cast into the lap, but the decision is wholly of the Lord [even the events that seem accidental are really ordered by Him]." (Proverbs 16:33) It's a reminder that everything happens for more than a reason; there is a purpose to it. I mean, just think about all of the things that have to line up in the Universe in order for you to "run into" anyone who you don't have a daily dealings or intimate relationship with. And so, if you see your ex at a gas station, a concert, in a parking lot or anywhere else, don't take that to be random. Also, don't find a way to run from the situation either. This is a customized opportunity for you to look your past, that's all up in your present, directly in the face and figure out where you are with everything.
If you still need to heal, now you know that.
If you actually want him back, now you know that.
If you are truly over him, now you know that.
And as G.I. Joe used to say, "Knowing is half the battle." Now you can truly assess the next steps you need to take, instead of listening to Heather Headley on loop—or worse, totally avoiding the song altogether because it puts you in shambles every single time you hear it. Not only that, but another wonderful—yes, wonderful—perk of running into an ex is, once you do, you no longer have to fear doing it again. Although I'm not out here seeking out the exes of my past, I certainly have no issue seeing them, giving them at least a head nod and keeping it moving.
I now have total peace that what is done is done. "Running into them" helped to give me that.
So, if you do happen to run into your ex, don't run from the moment; embrace it. I promise you that if or when it happens, life is trying to teach you something. And, if you're open, that however-long-exchange between you and your past can get you ready for something that's about to go down in your future. "Ready" in a way that you truly didn't know that you needed to be.
You'll be able to hop into your car and play "In My Mind", either version, on full blast, and hear it as being a dope love song. Nothing more, nothing less. Because you now know, that you know, that you know that you are fully, totally and completely over your ex. Congrats!
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
How To Get Closure If Your Ex Won't Give It To You
Why Staying Friends With An Ex Is Okay (& Healthy)
How To Reclaim Your Time After A Bad Breakup
Have You Brought Ex Baggage Into Your New Relationship?
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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1. Create a Budget. Stick to It.
GiphyBudgets, boy. I recently read that one of the reasons why they don’t work for a lot of people is because many folks don’t have a clue about how much money they spend on a monthly basis to begin with. SMDH. That said, at the end of the day, it’s important to remember that a budget is simply setting boundaries/limits on your spending — and being intentional about moving in this fashion is always a wise move; especially when it comes to this time of the year…especially being that it’s typical for half of all Americans to take on some type of holiday season debt with 17 percent needing six (or more) months to pay it off.
Know what can prevent this kind of financial chaos? A SPENDING BUDGET. Tips for how to create one of your own this year can be found here.
2. Never Shop When You’re Stressed or Pressed
GiphyYou know how they say that it’s not a good idea to go grocery shopping when you’re hungry? Although the holiday season can be a stressful time, avoid shopping for gifts (or décor or food for recipes) when you are feeling stressed out or pressed for time. More times than not, that cultivates anxiety which could cause you to either purchase things that you don’t really want or to spend money that you don’t really have (P.S. If you’re relying on credit cards, that qualifies as money that you don’t really have. Just sayin’).
3. Don’t Keep Up with the Joneses
GiphyKnow something else that can stress you out: trying to keep up with the Joneses. And y’all, now that we have social media, the reality is that envy is at an all-time high. That’s because it can be really easy to watch holiday engagements, holiday trips and folks bragging about the things that they’ve received in times past, only for you to find yourself wishing that you were them — or putting pressure on yourself and those in your world to keep up.
Listen, it is King Solomon who once said, “So are the ways of everyone who is greedy for gain; It takes away the life of its owners” (Proverbs 1:19 — NKJV) and “A sound heart is life to the body, but envy is rottenness to the bones” (Proverbs 14:30 — NKJV) and he’s considered to be the wisest man who ever lived (during his time — I Kings 4:30). Yeah, both of these verses are a spiritual reminder that whatever you are planning to do or give, do it out of the goodness of your heart — not so that you can low-key “outdo” the next guy.
4. No Need to “Tit-for-Tat”
GiphyThis one might be a bit controversial yet I’m totally okay with that. I don’t care what the occasion is, no one is OWED a present. A gift is a voluntary token of one’s appreciation or affection. That said, if you decide to give someone a present this year, don’t automatically expect something in return. If you get something, cool. If not, if you were giving for the right reasons, it really shouldn’t matter (RIGHT?). On the flip side, if someone decides to get you something and you don’t have something to offer in return, also cool.
Other than going to someone’s home for a holiday dinner or party, for anyone to feel like they should have something in hand because someone else does…that’s not giving, that’s competing — and that absolutely should not be the spirit that you are in (or around) during this time of year.
Again, a gift is not an obligatory thing. If you’ve always thought otherwise, it’s time to do some serious reprogramming.
5. Avoid the Pressure to Buy for Lots of Adults
GiphyLast month, Newsweek published an article that said it’s wise to not spend a ton of money purchasing gifts for adults. A financial expert in the piece said that it’s best to buy for kids because, more times than not, you’re going to get adults something that they already have a lot of, they don’t really need or they’re not going to use (beyond maybe regifting) anyway.
If you’re not feeling that insight, my take would be to exchange names and set a price cap for the grown folks. I say that because, I don’t think that people ever outgrow wanting something over Christmas. It’s just that the over-the-top energy should be reserved for the kiddies — and even then, the “4-gift rule” (want, need, read, experience) is probably your best bet for them…financially and otherwise.
6. Go for Thoughtful over Expensive
GiphyIt’s kind of wild how much close-to-torture folks send themselves through to purchase gifts that, a good 6-8 months now, most folks aren’t even going to remember. That’s why it’s also a good idea to purpose in your mind to get something thoughtful over expensive.
Honestly, that’s a big part of the reason why Etsy continues to be a go-to for gifts (for every occasion) for me. It’s because you can oftentimes get things customized/personalized which ends up meaning so much more to people than something that you bought at a generic department store that might have a high price tag yet still lacks in sentimentality and deep meaning.
7. Use Coupons and Promo Codes
GiphyCoupons (and promo codes) are a slippery slope in the sense that…they remind me of when I used to go overboard while thrift store shopping. I say that because, just because I might find several bomb dresses for under $20, what am I going to do with 50 of ‘em (over time)? It’s just as much of a waste of money as buying couture if neither option gets much use.
And that’s kind of the thing about coupons and promo codes. Some people end up overspending because they rationalize that so long as there are discounts attached, it’s all good. At the same time, this doesn’t mean that you should forego coupons and promo codes altogether. The key is to put together your shopping list (and budget) and then use discounts specifically for those items. If you do this, you could save well over $1,000 annually (at least, depending on what you decide to buy).
8. Avoid Add-Ons
GiphyYeah. Dodge add-on expenses. Add-ons like what? The first thing that comes to my mind is a warranty. What’s the chance that someone is actually going to need that? Another example is paying for things to be “professionally” gift wrapped. Chile, throw that stuff in a gift bag with some tissue paper and go on about your day. All good.
9. Rethink Gift Cards
GiphyIf there is any time of the year when there is a noticeable hike in gift card purchases, now would be it. And although they are a convenient approach to gift giving, at the same time, many come with hidden fees, the full amount oftentimes goes unused (which ends up being a waste of money) and they do come with expiration dates that are oftentimes forgotten.
So, if you’re someone who likes to wait until the last minute to do your holiday shopping, resist the urge to impulsively pick up a handful of gift cards. Unless it’s to a place that you know someone is going to use within the next few months, they could end up in somebody’s kitchen drawer for the next couple of years. And what a waste that would be.
10. They’ll Get It When They Do. And That’s Okay.
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GiphyOne more. Although it is super thoughtful and proactive to get people their gifts in time for whatever occasion you purchased them for, if trying to reach that goal is going to require paying for rush shipping that is damn near as high as the price of gift or spending a lot of gas money that you don’t have at the moment to drive miles and miles away — take the pressure off to spend a ton of cash just to make sure that something arrives at December 25. Listen, through doing business with Etsy, I have learned that through this administration, there are all sorts of tariff issues going on and the USPS is slower than ever too, so paying more may not guarantee much.
The hack? Send a message that something special is coming…soon enough. The thought really is what counts (more times than not); plus, it builds anticipation of something good coming, even if it’s after all of the Christmas Day hoopla. And no one (with sense) is going to have a problem with that.
Now don’t you feel better? Happy Holiday Shopping, sis.
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