Not too long ago, someone was venting to me about how it gets on their nerves when a relatively thin person goes on and on about how "fat" they are. When they asked me if I thought it was a tactic used to bait compliments, I simply said, "You know, some folks are survivors of eating disorders, so you've gotta be careful with your responses."
I'm introing this article this way because, like our relationship with people, oftentimes our relationship with food can be layered and quite complex. Our upbringing plays a role. The media plays a role. Our body image plays a role. Our mental and emotional health play a role. What our systems may be lacking at any given time plays a role. And unless we process all of this from a healthy and balanced perspective, it can be really easy to bring some level of guilt or regret into the dynamic whenever we sit down to have a meal.
Let's get free from the ties that bond today, OK? While a topic as complex as this can only be broached on a semi-surface level in one article, I really do hope that the following eight "hacks" can make your own experiences with foods less about shame and more about joy — because you deserve for them to be.
1. Accept That We All Have a Relationship with Food
Like I just said, we all have a relationship with food. And, like virtually all relationships, sometimes there are going to be good days. Other times, not so much. So, just how can you know if you and food are in a great spot? It's really about approaching food from a levelheaded and practical perspective. You don't rely on food to make you feel good (more on that in a sec). You don't find yourself being extreme (either eating tons of what isn't good for you or depriving yourself of certain things that make you happy). You also don't allow yourself to make food define your worth or value. You also are forgiving when it comes to you and food. What I mean by that is, if you go on a diet and break it, it doesn't totally devastate you or, if you're trying vegetarianism or veganismand you have meat sometimes, you don't feel riddled with shame. In short, you know that even when it comes to food, grace has to be extended.
Wanna know another sign of having a good relationship with food? You don't isolate your feelings. You don't lie to yourself and say that you're the only one who has good days and bad days. You also know that it's OK to share with those who care about you the thoughts that you may be having about food.
No relationship is easy all of the time. Yet what we need in our lives, we find a way to work through. We definitely need food and so, a good relationship provides space to figure out how to see food from a healthy perspective while also offering up self-compassion on the not-so-good-days — knowing that there will be some.
2. Ponder If You’re an Emotional Eater. Or Not.
There's someone I know who, over the years, has caused me to see emotional eating in a bit of a different light. It's because she is very open about the fact that the state of her marriage can cause her to put on or lose 25 pounds (literally), depending on how things are going. Matter of fact, whenever I see her on the heavier side, she will casually say, "Girl, you know I'm an emotional eater and he stresses me out."
What she should do about her marriage is another topic for another time. For now, let's hit on some pretty telling signs of an emotional eater. Someone who comforts themselves through food is typically an emotional eater. Someone who eats more when they are stressed out or anxious is typically an emotional eater. Someone who eats, even when they are full, because it helps them to deal or distracts them from dealing with a particular matter at hand is typically an emotional eater. Someone who almost sees food as a friend is typically an emotional eater. Someone who uses profoundly intense words to express their relationship with food (words like love, tempted, obsessed, guilt, drawn to it) is typically an emotional eater.
The problem with all of this is, once you start leaning over into this way of thinking and feeling, you tend to become more attached to food than you should be. Instead of it being a necessary substance for your survival, you rely on it as a coping mechanism. And when you become this food dependent, there's a chance that feelings of guilt or regret will occur.
The thing about this particular point is it's not really something that you can "get a hold on" all by yourself (which is why the person I was talking about remains on a constant "weight loop"). So, if you happen to see yourself here, schedule an appointment with a reputable therapist/counselor and also a nutritionist. They can help you to see food from a more productive perspective, so that you can enjoy it more than rely on it.
3. Let Up on Yourself, the Week Before Your Period
If you and food are pretty good other than a week or so before your period, girl, let that ish go. There is a legitimately scientific reason for why you may want stacks of pancakes every morning and a plate of fries every night. It's because your estrogen and progesterone levels are all over the place. Not only that but when you eat starches and sugars, it can give you a serotonin surge which can actually make you feel happy, at least for a little while, when you are PMS'ing. So, while this is no excuse to totally go ham, what I am saying is if you've got cravings around your period, there is no reason to feel guilty about that. If there's one thing that is pretty universal with women when it comes to food, this would be it.
4. Give Yourself “Cheat Days”
Whenever folks talk about developing better eating habits and then they say something like "I'm never gonna eat such-and-such again," unless it's something that is super bad for them (soda immediately comes to mind), I'm kinda like, "why?" Life is too short to not have a scoop of your favorite ice cream, a slice of your favorite pizza or whatever else brings you joy from time to time. That said, there's no reason to totally deprive yourself. The answer is to give yourself a cheat day — you know, a day in the week when you actually give yourself permission to indulge in some of your faves without feeling any guilt about it. If you come at certain foods from this perspective, there will be no reason for shame or regret because you will still feel like you are in control of things. You set (for instance) Saturday aside, by design, so that you can sit back and eat what you want without having to second guess it later.
5. Don’t Always “Reward Yourself” with Food
I honestly can't remember how many times I've written an article for this platform and not referenced enjoying some ice cream in it (like this one, for example). That's how much I like the stuff. That's why, I would absolutely be a total hypocrite if I said that it's 100 percent wrong to reward yourself with food sometimes. However, in the context of this particular piece, I think the wiser focus would be to "treat yourself" from time to time with food rather than all out reward yourself.
Here's why.
If every time you set a goal and reach it or make a commitment (even to yourself) and keep it and you eat as a way to pat yourself on the back, it can cause you to create some pretty unhealthy eating habits. Because after all, how many of us are out here rewarding ourselves with a salad, right? Plus, approaching things this way can program your mind to think that food is the pinnacle prize for "good behavior".
While something sweet or delectable can be cool sometimes, strive to be more intentional about rewarding yourself in other ways. Go on a trip. Purchase those pumps you've been eyeing. Have an at-home pampering day. Spend a night in a swanky hotel room. Do absolutely nothing one weekend. Again, food is great. Delicious too. Still, when it comes to rewarding yourself, put forth the effort to think outside of the box. There are a ton of other ways to celebrate yourself. Ways that won't possibly make you feel bad after you do them.
6. Cook More Often
Maybe you feel guilty because you are constantly spending money by going out to eat or sitting through drive-thrus. The best way to remedy this is to cook at home more often. As someone who cooks, at least five days a week, I'm here to tell you that once you get into the swing of it, it's hard to not get totally hooked. After all, cooking is proven to be healthier, far more cost-effective, it saves time, can help you to lose weight (because you can control the portions) and, if you do it with loved ones, it's a fun way to spend quality time too.
There have been times when I've ordered a salmon Caesar salad to be delivered to my house and guess what? Afterwards (sometimes even during), I felt guilty for doing so. Why? Because the delivery fees were high as hell (plus, I like to tip well) and, sometimes, it wasn't prepared to my liking either. So, in the back of my mind, all I could think is, "I should've just made this myself." Not to say that eating out is bad or wrong. I'm just saying that if you tend to experience what I just said, there's a high probability that cooking at home can instantly remedy that. Try it. It just might surprise you.
7. Remember That Being Healthy Is the Top Priority
Please hear me, loud and clear on this point. There are some thin people with clogged arteries. There are some not-so-thin people who are in great physical condition. That's why I'm not big on talking about size so much as the word "healthy". You know, on the topic of guilt, I once read that two of the problems that arise from it is it can cause you to constantly punish yourself and prevent you from fully embracing and enjoying your life. You don't need to give food that much power. So, if the reason why you struggle with guilt and regret is because you think you should look like someone on an IG profile or magazine blog, please let yourself off of the hook. For one thing, filters, Photoshop and cosmetic surgery run in abundance in these streets and besides — we all need to eat in order to be healthy more than anything else.
If you need some help understanding what that requires, this is another dynamic where a nutritionist can be of great service. If you'd like to know how to begin your search, a Black, female, registered dietician nutritionist by the name of Marisa Moore published an article on her site entitled "Black Nutritionists You Need to Know" earlier this year. I'm thinking it can at least point you into the right direction.
8. Keep Everything in Balance
An author by the name of Joshua Osenga once said, "Balance is a feeling derived from being whole and complete; it's a sense of harmony." I totally agree and you know what? When it comes to achieving balance as it relates to your relationship with food, it's also really important to ponder if things are a little out of balance when it comes to other areas of your life. Because oftentimes, what we do physically is an extension of things that are going on (or not transpiring) mentally, emotionally, relationally, financially or even spiritually. This means if those areas are straight, we oftentimes see food from a more holistic perspective.
So, before you beat yourself up for the way you've been eating lately, do some journaling about how you've been feeling or what you've been experiencing overall. If things seem chaotic, confusing or overwhelming, tend to those areas specifically. I'd be really surprised if that doesn't alter your eating patterns, so that balance can be restored.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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If, while on your continual journey to get the best out of your own tresses, you’d like to learn how to get them healthier than it’s ever been, I’ve got seven acids that are typically known for skin use that can be just as beneficial to your hair as well.
1. Salicylic Acid
When it comes to your skin, salicylic acid is beta-hydroxy acid that is great for your skin if you’re looking for something that will exfoliate it, clear out your pores and dissolve dead skin cells. In fact, this is why it’s an acid that is quite popular when it comes to treating acne.
Your hair will enjoy salicylic acid because, if you’re looking to remove product build-up, you want to soothe an itchy or irritated scalp or you’ve got some dandruff flakes that are totally driving you up the wall, salicylic acid has the ability to treat all of this. Either purchasing a shampoo that contains this ingredient or adding it to your favorite scalp scrub is probably the most effective way to get the most out of it.
Just make sure that if your scalp is sensitive or dry that you approach with caution. In these instances, it could end up irritating your scalp more than helping it out, so use a very little bit in the beginning to make sure that it vibes with you.
2. Lactic Acid
Lactic acid is an alpha hydroxy acid that can help to even out your skin tone as well as slow down the signs of aging. The properties in it help to do this by reducing hyperpigmentation and boosting collagen production in your skin as well as keeping it hydrated.
Why is it great for your locks? For one thing, lactic acid is considered to be a humectant. This means that it pulls water from the air so that your hair is able to remain moisturized.
Another thing that makes it a winner is the fact that lactic acid breaks down dead skin cells on your scalp (so that your hair follicles are able to flourish), it can help to soften and detangle your hair (making it a helpful addition on your wash days) and it also helps to protect your tresses from heat styling tools and UV damage. Applying a hair rinse that’s made up of part lactic acid and part water can work wonderfully (so long as you apply it once a month, tops; more than that might be too “intense” for your hair strands).
3. Glycolic Acid
Glycolic acid is a water-soluble alpha hydroxy acid that is actually made from sugar. Your skin will adore it because it smooths the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, improves the texture of your skin, gently exfoliates, clears your pores and brightens up your complexion overall.
The reasons why you should consider this acid for your hair is because it helps to keep your scalp youthful (and yes, there is such a thing; check out “Your Scalp Ages Six Times Faster Than Your Face. Why It Matters.”), removes excess sebum (that could be clogging up your hair follicles) and it helps to keep your hair moisturized. Your best bet here is to make it a part of your pre-shampooing ritual.
4. Succinic Acid
Succinic acid is an acid that is made from sugar cane and contains antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory properties. Although it doesn’t exactly exfoliate (like many of these other acids do), it can still be beneficial to your skin when it comes to reducing the kind of irritation that is associated with eczema, decreasing the bacteria that leads to breakouts and keeping your skin pretty hydrated.
As far as your hair goes, this is an acid that is worth trying out because it helps to balance the sebum that is on your scalp, remove dead skin and product build-up that can irritate your scalp and clog your hair follicles and, succinic acid is also beneficial when it comes to reducing dandruff and helping to prevent hair loss. Most people tend to apply this as a serum.
5. Hyaluronic Acid
I’ve officially sung the praises of hyaluronic acid on this platform before. One example is via the article, “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday.” On the skin tip, hyaluronic acid is great because it deeply hydrates your skin, contains anti-aging properties and can even bring relief to vaginal (including vulvar) dryness.
Your hair will adore this particular acid because it aids moisture to it (including your hair follicles), will help to improve your hair’s texture and it also soothes scalp dryness, nurtures the cuticles of your tresses and decreases frizz. Using a serum rich in this acid as a pre-poo or as a leave-in conditioner is recommended.
6. Azelaic Acid
If you’ve never heard of azelaic acid before, this is your lucky day. It’s a dicarboxylic acid that, when it comes to skincare (and hair care) products, is usually synthetic. Anyway, if you are looking for a way to reduce inflammation, even skin tone after a breakout or if you want to use an exfoliant that will improve the texture of your skin overtime, you might want to give this acid a shot.
This one makes the list as far as your hair is concerned because, if achieving more inches is your current focus, azelaic acid might come in handy. That’s because it is able to strengthen your hair, thicken your strands and also stimulate hair growth from within your hair follicles.
7. Glutamic Acid
Glutamic acid is actually a type of amino acid. Skin-wise, it’s great for deeply hydrating your skin as well as protecting it from pollutants and damaging UV rays. Also, if you’re looking for an acid that treats skin dryness or “tightness,” this could be the answer to your prayers.
Since glutamic acid is also considered to be a humectant, it’s another acid that can moisturize your hair. As a result, it can decrease breakage while helping your hair to feel smooth and look shiny.
BONUS: Amino Acids
Speaking of amino acids and hair, please try to keep some amino acids in your diet at all times. The reason why is because, since your hair is made up of mostly protein (keratin, to be exact), amino acids are pretty darn effective when it comes to helping you to maintain the overall health and well-being of your hair.
Ones to prioritize include proline (it boosts collagen so that your hair strands can maintain flexibility); arginine (it increases blood flow to your hair follicles so that they can receive the nutrients that they need); cysteine (it helps to keep your hair follicles healthy); alanine (it helps your system to produce more collagen), and isoleucine (it strengthens the tissues that help to make up your hair strands). All of these are available in supplement form or you can use Google to see which foods contain them.
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Although it might initially seem odd to apply acid to your hair, as you can see, certain ones will work miracles for it. So, test them out to see which one tickles your fancy.
Hell, since they work for your skin as well — it’s a two-for-one deal that is worth every penny!
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