I've Lost 100 Pounds & Still Have Issues With Body Image
"Lose the weight and you'll be great," they said. "It's all about getting physically healthy and feeling better."
While shedding the pounds would bring a healthier me and a wardrobe that I had dreamed so long to have, what they didn't tell me about was the constant mental battles that I would encounter. Even 10 years later.
You see, I was overweight all of my life. As a child, I was constantly teased for being heavier than most of my peers. While the teasing hurt, I chalked it up to kids being kids. After all, I teased a few people myself. Kids would ask things like why is your stomach like that? Or they would point out and even pinch my chubby cheeks.
Courtesy of DeAnna Taylor
My weight was mostly due to eating lots of fast food and quick-fix meals. It's not that I necessarily overate, but I was never taught how to eat healthily and I wasn't the most active kid. As early as elementary, I took notice of my size in comparison to my peers; it was even more evident when they would come to school with new outfits from Limited Too. I begged and begged for the chance to buy clothes from there, but as reality would have it, they didn't fit me.
Things got worse as I got to high school. Not only were kids teasing me, but I also had my mother constantly pointing out that I was bigger than most girls in my class and for that reason, boys would never like me. It hurt like hell. But, I didn't know what to do to change it.
Fast forward to undergrad.
During my junior year, I went through a pretty bad breakup that sent me into one of the worst bouts of depression I've ever faced. The pounds packed on mostly due to not getting out of bed and emotional eating. At only 5 foot 4, I found myself weighing around 230 pounds. I was the heaviest I'd ever been and at that point, I was convinced I would be heavy forever.
The desire to get healthier didn't come for another 3 years, during my second year of law school. Surprisingly, my first thought wasn't to get in the gym to lose the weight, but to first get a breast reduction. I was convinced that the bulk of my weight came from my breasts being too big for my frame. Little did I know, the consultation would be the wakeup call I needed to get my health in check. It was there, at the age of 22 that I learned I was morbidly obese and for insurance to cover my surgery, I would need to lose at least 70 pounds first.
I thought the doctor was out of her mind. It wouldn't be until a year later that I'd take the advice to heart and start to take my health seriously.
In early 2010, I began incorporating regular exercise into my everyday routine. I learned to start making better food choices and even cooking at home. By the end of that summer, I had lost nearly 40 pounds and was determined to keep going. And well, keep going I did.
Courtesy of DeAnna Taylor
Seeing my body change week by week, month by month kept me going. Going into clothing stores and walking away with jeans a size smaller than my last visit was the exact push I needed to not let all my hard work go down the drain.
Over the next few years, I would lose around 80 pounds. But, unlike many who lose a significant amount of weight, I was also able to tone up and eliminate a lot of loose skin. In addition to steady cardio 4-5 times per week, I was incorporating strength training alongside it that helped me to build muscle as well.
After reaching what I thought was a plateau, I knew I wanted to push myself even further. A friend suggested that I try my hand at fitness competitions and being the overachiever that I was, I was more than up for the challenge.
I put my body and mind through 12 intense weeks of training and dieting to get in the best shape ever. A few days before the competition, I learned that I had officially dropped 100 pounds total since the start of my journey. I felt unstoppable and went into the competition with the confidence of a winner. I came away with a 3rd place finish and couldn't have been happier, at least in that moment.
What I didn't understand was that a competition body wasn't something that was meant to be achieved for everyday life. Sure, I looked amazing and had rock hard abs. But the regimented food schedule, missing events with friends, taking all kinds of crazy supplements, and spending hours in the gym daily were an extremity.
Courtesy of DeAnna Taylor
After going on to do a second competition and bombing due to exhaustion, I decided that the stress that comes along with maintaining a competition-ready body was no longer for me.
That's when the battle started.
Once the strict dieting stopped, my body began to fill out a little. Sure, it may have only been 5 pounds at most and mostly water weight, but I would constantly compare myself to my "stage body". Even though I was nowhere near what I used to be, I was self-conscious to no end. In my mind, I was slowly turning back into who I was before I set out on my journey. So much so, that despite losing all the weight, I was afraid to wear certain clothing. I was embarrassed by my loose skin and my stretch marks started looking more visible than normal to me. All of this was playing with my mind, despite working my ass off to get in the best shape of my life.
For that reason in April 2014, I walked away from my last stage competition and I'm never going back.
I've decided to live life to the fullest these days by traveling and experiencing new things. This includes eating lots of new foods. My happiness isn't rooted in my weight, but in how much life I've lived. Since I've stopped competing, I've gained about 30 of the 100 pounds back and some days, it's mentally tough to accept. There's this closeted fear that people are looking at me like, "Dang she fell off." I get it, people's opinions shouldn't matter, but let's keep it one hundred. I'm human and social media is real.
While people tell me that I look great, it still doesn't feel right. I'm working out regularly and trying to eat decent, but it's hard to come to terms with the fact that I may never see that competition body that I once achieved.
Courtesy of DeAnna Taylor
It's an everyday battle to accept the body I see in the mirror now. I'm in no way saying I hate myself, but there's just a certain pressure that looms to get back to where I once was.
I'm still figuring it all out and what works for me in the lifestyle that I live today. It's almost like starting over, just with a different canvas. What worked then doesn't necessarily work now and that's ok. It's all a part of the process. I did it then and I'm sure I can do it again. I just have to practice the same patience I did the first go-around.
I'm finally learning to do this thing for me. Not for the approval of my peers, my mother, or anyone else for that matter and that's the most beautiful part of it all.
If you've experienced something similar, how did you overcome the battle?
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissions@xonecole.com.
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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I Tried Beyoncé's Haircare Line CÉCRED & Here's My Honest Review
Beyoncé is snatching our wallets yet again with her latest business venture CÉCRED. In 2023, the Texas native hinted at a potential haircare line when she posted this photo causing fans to speculate that her next project would be focused on her famous tresses - they were right. Her haircare line Cécred launched on February 20 with her first drop called The Foundation Collection which focuses on haircare first, and I can only assume that a style product line for colored-treated hair will likely follow since Beyoncé is known for slaying various shades of blonde.
As a super fan since the early 2000s, it was only right that I give an honest review of the full line and purchase the Super Fan Bundle (retailed at $265) which includes the full product line of the 8 products, as well as a branded cosmetic bag. If you’re thinking, “Girl that bundle is too pricey for me,” I can assure you that for the value you're getting, the price is quite reasonable. This bundle was an intentional and marketable way to allow consumers to experience every Cécred product.
The brand messaging surrounding Cécred has been salon-inspired, and rightfully so as an ode to Beyoncé’s upbringing growing up in her mother’s hair salon in Houston. This line is backed by science and licensed cosmetologists showing that she’s done her research and appointed the experts. Cécred's IG feed has been filled with images and videos inside of hair salons including some videos of Ms. Tina herself assisting in the styling of beauty experts who visited Cécred's private salon to have the VIP treatment!
Now, have I seen influencers, consumers, and beauty stylists using the Foundation Collection at home? Yes, but I thought it was best to experience Cécred with my go-to cosmetologist who also happens to be my Auntie Tawana. She has been my educator and go-to for hair knowledge since I was a child and has had a hand in my mom's hair health which has always been goals for me. As a little girl, my Saturdays were spent sitting in her hair salon while my mama got her hair done as I patiently waited reading Jet and ESSENCE, ever so carefully eavesdropping on the conversations of the ladies who were coming for much more than just a beauty routine, but an experience.
I’d fall asleep on the plush couch in the waiting area flipping through magazines while listening to the sultry sounds of Maxwell. And I had my first lesson in breakup empowerment when I heard Sunshine Anderson’s “Heard It All Before.” So there was no other place for me to go than to see her, and because I’m her niece, I was able to visit her private salon in her home that she calls The After Hours where upon arrival I was greeted with my favorite Black-owned sparkling Rosé, candles lit, and my aunt’s breakdown of Cécred.
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
But let me refocus and share my salon experience as I tried Cécred for the first time.
If You’re Wondering…Who is Cécred For?
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
When news of Beyoncé potentially launching a beauty brand hit the internet, there were a bunch of predictions of what and who the line would be marketed towards and if she’d have any wig care products as she’s known for slaying her units! But she went in a totally different direction which I love, and I’m going to tell you why. Critics have questioned if Beyoncé should be venturing into the haircare industry because she is often seen in weaves and wigs, but true Beyoncé fans know that she has healthy hair and that, like many Black women, experiments with various styles.
Cécred was created for all hair types and textures, including straight to coily, virgin, color-treated, chemically processed, and heat-styled. As a Black woman who has worn wigs, had chemically processed hair, heat-styled, natural, and color-treated hair, let me tell you, this was no easy feat! The amount of money I’ve spent on my hair through its various changes just on product alone, forget styling has been astronomical.
Cécred is serving the needs of various hair types in textures and I truly believe that this is going to make Beyoncé a true competitor in the hair industry amongst brands that are comparable such as OUAI and Olaplex. Both competitor brands have similar items at a higher price point and unlike Cécred, their products and brand messaging haven’t always felt inclusive to Black women and other hair types.
Cécred has been tested inclusively and the reviews from various hair types and backgrounds of consumers are allowing the brand to stand out.
I Tried Beyoncé's Haircare Line Cécred: My Honest Review
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
My hair has never felt cleaner and it shined for well over a week following the styling (but the oil should be used sparingly if like me, oil can weigh down your hair.) Immediately when my hair touched the sink, my aunt told me that she saw all the dirt and oils lifting from my hair when she applied the clarifying shampoo. As a girl who loves my curls, I am often judgy when I use any other shampoo and conditioner aside from Pattern, but not this time.
When my aunt guided my hands across my hair, she showed me how my curls weren’t tangled, and how she didn’t need to comb out my curls before applying the moisturizing deep conditioner or the deconstructing treatment mask.
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
She applied each step with care and walked me through the process, and to my surprise, the hair mask wasn’t thick - but through trial and error as a natural girl, I’ve learned that a thick mask doesn’t always equal what’s best for your hair. She styled me with a silk press that left my hair with shine and I can honestly say that each step of the line is needed especially if you are someone who changes up your hair and deals with breakage. If your hair is healthy, you can opt out of the reconstructing treatment mask but I recommend taking the product line to your salon, having a discussion with your stylist on where your hair health needs improvement, and then purchasing based on that.
We know ourselves better than anyone else, but your stylist knows your hair better than you do. I like to lead with their knowledge first and then incorporate what my hair goals are. If you’re a girly who’s committed to hair health and has either the discipline to incorporate each step at home or can bring your products to the salon, Cécred is for you no matter if you’re a silk press or a wash-and-go naturalist.
Give Cécred a try, I’ll be using the line for my hair appointments until it runs out and if I see long-term results, it will be added to the beauty regimen indefinitely.
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Featured image courtesy of CÉCRED