Back around the turn of the century, I used to date a Muslim (if you can call it that; it was actually more like I used to have sex with a bestie). I could write an entire book on the lessons that I learned from that experience, both good and horrifying. On the silver lining tip, something that I appreciate is that he introduced me to a collection of sayings from Muhammed known as hadith. As far as other spiritual content goes, I make it no secret that some of my absolute favorite proverbs are Buddhist ones; in fact, one of my all-time favorite parables is a popular one in the Buddhist faith (you can check it out here). Yet out of all of the spiritual books and readings that I have come across, I firmly and unapologetically prefer the Bible over them all.
There is something about that book, in particular, that is both timeless and multi-dimensional. I say that because, I don't know about you, but I can read one verse on Monday, come back to that very same one on Wednesday, and it will speak to me totally differently. Plus, books like Ecclesiastes and Proverbs are chalked with so much common sense that if most of us heeded those two alone, there's no telling how much the quality of our lives would improve. Yeah, the Bible is dope. Extremely so.
At the same time, I must say that I didn't really see the Good Book as a great single woman's manual until I started learning Hebrew (Christ was a Jew so, why not?) and really studying the Word for myself (2 Timothy 2:15—AMPC). Once that happened, can't nobody tell me that the holy Scriptures aren't true lifesavers!
If you're a single woman and bible reader, but you've been having a difficult time finding how to merge the two in a truly powerful and applicable way, I'll share with you some of the verses that have made me feel like God truly gets me—even, and some ways especially, as a single woman.
1. "So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. While the man slept, the Lord God took out one of the man’s ribs and closed up the opening. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man."---Genesis 2:21-22 (NLT)
Some people are gonna want to give pushback on this and that's fine. But personally, I've never been big on it being a requirement that men pursue women. It also makes me cringe whenever I hear that it should be expected because "men are hunters" (I'm not a deer in the woods; I am a daughter of the Most High). Am I saying that men shouldn't be chivalrous? Of course, they should be. But the whole chase a woman down thing? I mean, if I am a gift from God, why does a man have to kill himself to have me? Gifts are less taxing than that. Besides the whole "He who findeth a wife" back-up take (Proverbs 18:22)? Look up the definitions of find one day. They are pretty enlightening.
Anyway, when I decided to ask God to show me how he desires relationships to go, I "took a stroll" through the Garden of Eden. Genesis 2:22 is a total game-changer. Adam did not pursue his wife. In fact, he didn't even decide when it was time to be with her. GOD DID. While God was creating who was a perfect complement for Adam, ole' boy was asleep the entire time. Then, when God was done, he brought the Woman to Adam. Some translations use the word "presented".
This is dope on a few levels. One, because for the Woman (Eve's name in the Garden) to be brought, it gives me the impression that she had to have had her own time to God before being in Adam's life. Two, since God did all of the work, Adam couldn't insert his ego into the situation. He didn't "acquire" his wife; she was a gift given to him. She was all God's doing. Besides, Adam was a gardener, not a hunter. Gardeners cultivate, just as all good husbands should. See why I think Genesis 2:22 is so on point?
2. "For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well."---Psalm 139:13-14 (NKJV)
This verse right here shows that God doesn't become a part of our lives the day we are born. From this, it looks like he's totally invested and involved from the moment of conception (an article all on its own). Yet the reason why these verses make the list is because it's a reminder that one of the best ways to honor God is through praise. And while we're in the process of thanking him for thinks like food, water, shelter, family and friends, we should also thank him for all of the effort and energy that he placed into making each and every one of us.
James 5:16 says that we are to confess and be healed, right? Something that I used to struggle with is what I call "pretty girl syndrome". No, I'm not talking about me. I'm talking about all of the women that I used to be surrounded by who I thought were stunning; stunning to the point where I envied them. One day, my mother (who is on that list) said, "So, when people say you look like me, what do you think they mean?" Check. Then when I really let these verses sink it, it became a checkmate.
Some of us could stand to repent, right here and right now, for thinking that God spent more time designing the women around us than us. Can you imagine how insulting that is to our Heavenly Father to think or feel that way? More than that, how much it hurts his feelings?
God is excellent in all He does. You are no exception. Since His works are marvelous and you are one of them, don't you think it's time that you gave Him some heartfelt praise for all He put into you? All that He put in that no one else has quite like you? Amen? Amen.
3. "Oh, let me warn you, sisters in Jerusalem, by the gazelles, yes, by all the wild deer: Don’t excite love, don’t stir it up, until the time is ripe—and you’re ready."---Song of Solomon 2:7 (Message)
Now this is a good one. Hands down, Song of Solomon is one of my favorite books of the Bible because it reminds us that God is all about sex and intimacy. According to Scripture, His standards are high (you can read between the lines there), but He is all for love and passion. At the same time, He is also a great source of common sense (Proverbs 2:6-8—Message); that's why this one resonates with me so.
If you're not familiar with the Shulamite woman who is featured in this book of the Bible, she's a dark sistah (yep) who has enough wisdom and insight to basically tell her friends, "It's best to love someone when the time is right. When things line up in such a way where you are ready and he is ready."
Can you imagine all of the drama that would be spared if we all thought this way? If, instead of one of our friends getting a DM from some ex and us telling her that it's a sign that he's the one, that we encourage her to wait before responding and to pray and process if it truly is a good idea to reach back out or not?
Again, Song of Solomon is filled with passion. All good. But this verse right here complements something that Benjamin Franklin once said—"If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins." Yup.
4. "My darling, everything about you is beautiful, and there is nothing at all wrong with you."---Song of Solomon 4:7 (NCV)
Only an ego-maniac or totally self-delusional individual believes that the person who is meant to be their significant other should never challenge them (that reminds me, when you get a chance, check out the awesome points found in the videos "7 Signs This Man Might Be for You" and "7 Signs This Might Be from the Devil"). If you want to grow, you're gonna need to hear about yourself sometimes, whether you want to, like it or not.
At the same time, this verse right here is a reminder that your man will be your biggest fan. He will not be out here dropping hints about how much prettier you would be if you lost weight, had a bigger butt or changed your hair. He's gonna be like what a husband once said to me about his wife—"I love that when God made her, he had me in mind."
We are all human. This means that we ALL have something to work on and improve upon. But when this man said that there was nothing wrong with this woman he loved, while a good relationship improves us, what he was essentially saying is there was nothing that he wanted to change.
Women deserve to hear this. Men do too. So ladies, if you're currently seeing someone and you're already plottin' and plannin' ways to change him after marriage, I'll just say that if both of you can't say this verse to one another, perhaps you're not meant for one another. At least, not right now.
5. "God will create a new thing in this land: A transformed woman will embrace the transforming God!”---Jeremiah 31:22 (Message)
Back when I was going through a bit of a life transition that was wearing me all the way out, God led me to this Scripture right here. Whew. Not only was going through so much because he was doing something new (sometimes, in order to get the right "house", the foundation has to be demolished too), but the transition was all about transformation.
To be transformed is "to undergo a change in form, appearance, or character". This is why I wrote the article "5 Signs That You Really Know A Person". If we're all taking this thing called time seriously, many of us are not the same person we were six months ago, let alone five years ago (so know, everyone should not be able to say that they "know" you). And if we are as "spiritual" as we claim, we definitely should be doing some transforming; we definitely should want God to transform us.
The other thing that I like about this particular verse is it says that while the woman (which is Israel in this case) got to a place of transformation, God was still transforming! It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes by evangelist Oswald Chambers—"Never try to make your experience a principle for others, but allow God to be as creative and original with others as He is with you." Why? Because since God changes his form or appearance (not really his character; Malachi 3:6 [NKJV] says, "For I am the Lord, I do not change"), we should let God come to us (and others) how He chooses. We shouldn't "box Him in" as it relates to how or when He decides to transform us and our lives.
6. "And when you pray, do not use vain repetitions as the heathen do. For they think that they will be heard for their many words. Therefore do not be like them. For your Father knows the things you have need of before you ask Him."---Matthew 6:7-9 (NKJV)
Yeah buddy. A lot of church leaders could stand to read—and reread—those first two sentences, but I digress. The reason why this is so important is because of the last line. Although a lot of life consists of learning the difference between what we want and what we need (especially what we want in correlation to what God says that we need), if we really do believe that our Heavenly Father has our best interest at heart, we've got to trust that He doesn't need us reminding—or worse, instructing—Him about how our lives should go. Although it's truly an epidemic, how many people feel like they can pick or choose what part of the Bible is applicable and right, if you claim to be a follower of the Scriptures, this is not one that can or should be omitted.
Prayer is fine. Biblically-encouraged too. But whatever it is that you are going through right now, no matter how big the need may be, know that you are totally on God's radar. He saw the "requirement" or "urgent want" well before you did.
And, as my favorite quote from Pastor John Piper states, "God is always doing 10,000 things in your life, and you may be aware of three of them." Trust and believe that your needs are somewhere on that list ("Are not five sparrows sold for two copper coins? And not one of them is forgotten before God. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows."—Luke 12:6-7—NKJV)
7. "There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, 'The two become one.' Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never 'become one.'"----I Corinthians 6:16-17 (Message)
I have shared before that I'm a firm believer that we all should be able to explain our purpose in three words or phrases. Mine are centered around sex, marriage and the Sabbath—all of which are biblical covenant principles. Believe you me, it's an odd combo and sometimes I catch heat for it. I mean, how can I profess to be a bible follower and talk about sex as much as I do (gasp!)?
You can read articles of mine like "We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'" and "10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important" to know that I don't take sex lightly; I find it to be extremely sacred (after all, I'm a marriage life coach not a sex therapist). At the same time, I know that different people come into different insights about sex in their own way and time. I also know that the Church, overall, has done a horrific job addressing sex and sexuality. It's like something I read that a man by the name of Don Schrader once said—"To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals." Indeed. Indeed.
So yes, sex should be discussed. Not just discussed but celebrated. It's nothing to be hush-hush or ashamed about. At the same time, if you take Scripture seriously, verses like this one shouldn't be overlooked. Sex is about a heck of a lot more than gettin' your rocks off and there are spiritual ramifications that go deep, deep, DEEP. Always keep that in mind with the choices that you make—even as a single woman.
8. "Relax, everything’s going to be all right; rest, everything’s coming together; open your hearts, love is on the way!"---Jude 1:2 (Message)
I don't know about you, but I think that sometimes people underestimate what we go through as single women. We're responsible for so much on our own that it can be overwhelming, right? That's why one of my favorite "anchor Scriptures" is this one.
Once upon a time, after a heartbreak that I experienced, someone sent me this. I had never seen it before and it totally blew my mind because I felt like it was customized and heaven sent just for me. Sometimes, all we need to hear in our spirit is, "Relax, my child. It's all going to work out for your good." Plus, the "love is on the way" part speaks to me on two different levels. One, I haven't been brought to my husband-king yet, but another Message Version verse that I totally dig is, "You don't get to know the time. Timing is the Father's business" (Acts 1:7).
This verse reminds me that I can't force the Universe; that I need to let things flow. And two, God is love; the Word tells us that in I John 4:7-16 tells us that. So, in the meantime, while I am awaiting my future beloved, Love is on the way to bring me so many other manifestations of his Love. And really…does it get better than that?
Like I said earlier, Scriptures present themselves differently to us all. But I do hope and, also believe, that if you spend a little time meditating on these eight, they can speak volumes and work miracles in your life, just as they did for me. Be blessed, sis.
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But what many people may not know is that when they aren’t on set, the pair are together every day, proving that true connection is the real magic. The path wasn’t always easy, but they were both intentional about walking it. Check out this exclusive conversation with xoNecole to find out how a chance encounter, an uncomfortable prank, and two unique perspectives led to a happy marriage.
Let’s start at the beginning. How did you two meet?
Crystal: We have very different answers to that question. I first saw him at a screening where I was supporting fellow actors. But when I first met him in person, I actually walked up to him and introduced myself, told him how great he was at the screening, and gave him my card. But he never called. That was our first physical interaction. It was my way of telling him I thought he was attractive. Also, he was talking to a young lady, and I wasn’t sure what was going on there. They were really close. So I kinda stepped in and was like, ‘Sorry, did I interrupt?’ And once she said no, I just kept talking.
Alfred: Yeah, a lot was going on for me. As she said, we didn’t technically meet the first time, but I remember seeing her, and I loved her green eyes. I remember repeatedly asking my friends, ‘Who is the girl with the green eyes? Then when she came up to me at the actor workshop, I was like, “It’s the girl with the green eyes!’
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Okay, now how did it progress? Did y'all start talking on the phone after that?
Crystal: He never called me. I just kept seeing him randomly. I mean he was everywhere – auditions, a barbecue, everywhere. Long story short: he had a girlfriend. But this particular time I saw him, he was with a group of known actors, and I noticed there was an attraction between him and a beautiful super, talented actress who is a friend of ours, and she was interested in how we knew each other – so I uncomfortably answered, ‘well he’s kinda stalking me.’ I made it so uncomfortable. Then I walked off. I was just trying to block that situation.
Down the line, he messaged me on Facebook, which is interesting because he had my number. But still, nothing really happened. Finally, I saw him on 14th Street in Manhattan one day, tapped him on the shoulder, I said ‘hi,’ and we organized a date.
Alfred: In other words, she sabotaged my situation that I may have had going on. You see how much of a good guy I was? So even though I found her attractive, I had to make sure I was playing my cards right. The barbecue situation was hilarious to me. Everybody else looked shocked, but I loved it. That was the first time I really started to focus on her. I think some people would’ve been offended, but it was such a prank, and I found it cool. I tried to call her over to me that day, but she didn't turn back around (laughs).
What was the first date like? Do you remember anything that stuck out?
Crystal: Well, I was living in Brooklyn at the time, and he was moving to Brooklyn from the Bronx. So we met in Williamsburg at a popular restaurant called Taku Taku, that’s no longer around. I’m very funny about time, and he was over an hour late. I was fuming and wondering if I was being stood up. But he kept answering my texts. By the time he got there, I was MAD.
Alfred: Just to let everyone know, before I was a full-time actor, I was sports director at the YMCA – with all the little children. And there was a random crisis in the building going on. You know I love the kids, so I had to take care of that! To all the guys out there, you gotta know your purpose comes first.
So there was a post-work crisis, late to the date vibe going on. How did the energy change?
Crystal: Well, I liked him, and I knew I really wanted to get to know him. I felt like the chaser. I had been super outspoken and gave him my card. Plus, I feel like everybody gets a pass. So, that was his.
Alfred: I don’t feel like she chased me, but she did let it be known that she was interested. However, my grandmother and my mother raised a southern gentleman, so you know, I had to handle that situation the right way at the time.
But yes, on our date, she was visibly upset at first. I was wondering if I was going to have to go to the bathroom and leave because she was giving me such an attitude. But then she warmed up when I explained what happened. After that, it was a lot of fun. I made her laugh, and it all worked out.
I don’t feel like she chased me, but she did let it be known that she was interested. However, my grandmother and my mother raised a southern gentleman, so you know, I had to handle that situation the right way at the time.
Beautiful. Now, talk to me about the courtship. How did the journey develop?
Crystal: Listen, I had the key in like 30 days.
Alfred: Okay, wait a minute. I have a reputation to protect (laughs). Let me defend myself again. So when I moved to Brooklyn, she, of course, was already familiar with the area and used to ride her bike around there for exercise. And I didn’t want to have her just riding around outside. If something happened, her father was going to look at me. So I gave her the key and said if I wasn’t there, she could still go inside. That was the reason - just being a gentleman (laughs).
So that feels like exclusivity. Did y'all have “the what are we talk,” or did it just happen naturally?
Crystal: No, we never had that conversation. Well, not like “Will you be my boyfriend?” Or “Will you be my girlfriend?” We just knew we were in love with each other. I was in my early twenties, and I remember I asked him if he knew what “143” meant and he said it back (laughs).
Alfred: I had to ask my kids at the YMCA what it meant.
Courtesy
As things developed, what challenges did you have to overcome together, and how do you think it affected your relationship?
Crystal: I grew up with a lot of siblings - and brothers. So I was very boyish. I was always used to doing certain things myself. And my father raised me to be very independent and to never rely on men for anything. But I had to learn to come back to myself as a woman and realize, hey, you have an actual physical man here. I had to learn to let him lead and guide.
Alfred: So again, I’m an actor, and I was moving to L.A. at the time. L.A. has some beautiful women but I also have a beautiful wife now, right? So the challenge, I think, for us was the things people said, ‘Well, girl, you know, he's going to be out there and it’s not gonna work.’ And I do think temptation plays a real important role in how the relationship is going to unfold. But I just started to live a bicoastal life. I was living in L.A. but spent more time in New York. So that was able to actually help us, and once we got serious - I moved.
Crystal: I have to add to that, I always said I would never do long distance. We really had to decide to make it work. I had a job that was remote so I could travel anywhere. We got to explore L.A. together, and it ended up being a blessing.
Alfred: And it turns out, living in L.A. wasn't for me. So you have to allow yourself room when you're in a relationship, and your partner gives you room to be – because we had an impasse. There was a night where we had a very real conversation about if we were going to break it off. But we decided to give it a shot. I'm of the mind that people make happen whatever they want to make happen. Everything else is an excuse. Distance is an excuse. It's not saying it's not going to be difficult, but anything worth having is worth fighting for. Me knowing what I wanted made it an easy choice.
I have to add to that, I always said I would never do long distance. We really had to decide to make it work. I had a job that was remote so I could travel anywhere. We got to explore L.A. together, and it ended up being a blessing.
What about day-to-day challenges? What do you typically argue about?
Crystal: Alfred grewup with a lot of women in his house, and he grew up in a way that wonderful West Indian women do things. Everything is in a certain place and done a certain way. I didn't necessarily grow up like that, although I do have West Indian roots. So he likes things structured. If anything is not where it needs to be or in the right place, that’s a conversation.
Alfred: Yeah, I'm a traditionalist, and I believe without order, chaos will ensue. I grew up in a household with West Indian women who were married for 50 and 60 years. And as a boy, I would be able to see them give my female cousins and aunts all these instructions about how to treat their husbands like I was at this university of relationships. I know at times I may seem like a very intense person to her, but I feel like I have very unique insight into why a lot of relationships falter. Some of it is systematic, particularly in our community. We just don't have things in order, and we weren't raised to be in successful relationships.
It’s interesting hearing how your backgrounds shaped different aspects of your relationship. I’m curious, what’s a focal shared value?
Alfred: I think one of the things that we’ve shared and actually impressed me a lot about Crystal was her view on family values. Not to be stereotypical, but she’s half Italian and half Jamaican – and both cultures are known to be big on that. Like during Christmas, we shop for everyone, even the little nephews. I’m always like why are we shopping for all these people? But secretly, I really like that because I come from a matriarch where my grandmother made clear that everything was God first and then family immediately after.
Finally, what do you love most about each other?
Crystal: I love how he loves me. But I also love who he is as a man, how structured he is, and how he tells me what’s best for me even when I don’t want to hear it.
Alfred: The reality is that she has the biggest heart that I’ve ever come into contact with in a romantic sense. I can be mad at her, and the second I see her in pain – I go to mush. It’s priceless. I don’t have children yet, but I understand how fathers melt when their little girl’s face melts. Plus, I’m an artist and a bit intense. You know how that goes. We have self-destructive tendencies sometimes. But I can honestly say that whenever you see me, I represent not only myself but my wife, my family, my mother, and my roots.
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