Tonight, the biggest names in hip-hop gather to kick off the 16th annual BET Hip Hop Awards in Atlanta. Held at the Cobb Energy Performing Arts Centre, this year's show is hosted by the 85 South Crew: Karlous Miller, Young Fly, and Chico Bean. Nelly will be honored with the I Am Hip Hop Award, awarded last year to Master P.
Industry powerhouses Cardi B and Meg Thee Stallion lead the pack in nominations with 9 each, while our controversial loverboy, Drake, follows closely with 8. Performances will include ATL legend Lil' John, chart-topping darling BIA, and 'Best Duo' nominee Young Thug. "Best New Hip Hop Artist" Award nominees include BLXST, Coi Leray, Don Toliver, Morray, Pooh Shiesty, and Yung Bleu.
The theme was definitely comfortable and cozy this year, with few artists differing. Below, see what all your favorite artists, actors, and singers wore on the BET red carpet.
85 South
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85 South put a show on the red carpet before taking up hosting duties inside. The crew donned a mix of utilitarian, classic hip hop, and new school fresh; each playing to their respective personalities.
Fat Joe
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Fat Joe went for the ultimate old-school hip-hop vibes this year. He hosted the BET Live pregame in baby blue sweatpants and a matching Louis Vuitton bomber jacket.
BIA
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Ahead of her performance, BIA shut it down in a black bodysuit and head-to-toe zebra print. The rapper solidified the look with an oversized 'BIA' chain and 90's-style crimped blonde hair.
Lakeyah
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The stunning rapper Lakeyah showed out in a beautifully draped gold-sequined cut-out gown. The gown was selectively sheer, giving us the ultimate sophisticated but seductive look.
Sarunas J. Jackson
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The block's favorite Insecure love interests, Sarunas J. Jackson was peak causal in a delicious royal blue sweatsuit. While he did elevate the look by adding loafers, he doubled down on the coziness with the undone jacket. Speaking of Insecure, we can't wait to see the finale season on October 24.
Benny The Butcher
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Benny the Butcher stayed casual in a logo-centric Balenciaga sweater and gold accessories.
Kidd Kenn
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Kidd Kenn shut down the red carpet in a modernized silver and blue suit. Male artists tend to wear the same thing, so it's exciting to see a risk-taker on the BET red carpet.
D Smoke & Angelina Sherie
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D Smoke and Angelina Sherie were the epitome of cozy-chic as they hit the red carpet, hand-in-hand. Angelina was angelic in an all-white slightly oversized suit, while D Smoke elevated his casual look with a stylish wide-brim hat.
Nelly
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Nelly was one of the only celebrities that brought the fall vibes on the carpet. The I Am Hip Hop Award honoree rocked camouflage Burberry from head to toe and accessorized in everyone's favorite: diamonds.
Ari Fletcher
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Ari Fletcher came through to support her man, Moneybagg Yo, but she did not disappoint. In all-black custom Calechie, Ari completed the look with a sleek bun and meticulously placed diamond-studded barrettes.
Doechii
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Doechii stunned in a plunging neckline, secured by safety pins and the gods. The plunging neckline and metallic skirt are giving us major inspiration for upcoming holiday parties.
DreamDoll
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DreamDoll decided to give us 'Headmistress Realness' in a corseted tuxedo coat-dress. Only a doll of this magnitude can pull off this plaid look effortlessly.
Nick Cannon
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Nick Cannon showed up in Christmas crocs, a metal breastplate, and a long fur coat. Complete with red beaded braids and a stack of foam cups, it's clear that Nick opted for the classic Hollywood rockstar vibe.
Tyler, The Creator
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Tyler, the Creator secured the bag literally. He channeled classic bellhop vibes in a plush orange hat, silky smooth button-up, and match suitcase that he often posed with on the carpet.
The Originals
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LaNell Grant, her brother Tobe Nwigwe, and his wife Martika Ivory Rogers (also known as "Fat") were complete #familygoals on the red carpet as The Originals in coordinating sweatsuits. And we can talk about those adorable girls?! By far the cutest dressed in our book.
Remy Ma & Papoose
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Remy Ma left everyone speechless in a perfect cut-out red asymmetrical number, complete with gorgeous strappy heels. She pulled up with her husband Papoose, radiating Black love up and down the red carpet.
Latto
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Latto hit the red carpet in a modern deconstructed suit, with exposed, drop shoulders and 'cut-off' suit shorts. Latto personalized the look with her signature long (red) nails and layered silver chains.
Young Thug
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By far one of the biggest risk-takers on the red carpet, Young Thug sported metallic-draped jeans and a fur-lined cardigan jacket. Complete with 90s style sunglasses, we always appreciate a man who takes risks in fashion.
Featured image by Paras Griffin/Getty Images for BET
RELATED
Let me start this off by saying that of course, to a certain extent, the answer is subjective because it’s mostly opinion-rather-than-fact driven. However, I personally think that sex is hella impactful, which is why I hope that my personal breakdown will at least cause you to want to think about what you do, who you do it with, and why, more than you may have in the past.
Because although, at the end of the day, the physical aspects of making love, having sex, and f-cking are very similar, you’d be amazed by how drastically different they are in other ways…at the very same time.
Making Love
GiphyBack when I wrote my first book, I wasn’t even 30 at the time and still, one of the things that I said in it is, I pretty much can’t stand the term “make love.” Way back then, I stated that sex between two people who truly love each other and are committed for the long haul, when it comes to what they do in the bedroom, it’s so much more about CELEBRATING love than MAKING it. To make means “to produce” or “to bring into existence;” to celebrate means “to commemorate,” “to perform” or “to have or participate in a party, drinking spree, or uninhibited good time.”
The act of sex, standing alone? It can’t make love happen and honestly, believing otherwise is how a lot of people find themselves getting…got.
What do I mean? Tell me how in the world, you meet a guy, talk to him for a few weeks, don’t even know his middle name or where he was born and yet somehow, you choose to call the first time you have sex with him (under those conditions) “making love.” You don’t love him. You don’t know him well enough to love him. He doesn’t love you either (for the same reason). And yet you’re making love? How sway? Oh, but let that sex be bomb and those oxytocin highs might have you tempted to think that’s what’s happening — and that is emotionally dangerous. And yes, I mean, literally.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times before, that one of the reasons why I like that the Bible defines sex between a husband and his wife is by using the word “know” (Genesis 4:1) is because, well, I think that is what celebrating love is all about — we know each other well enough to know that we love each other, we know each other well enough to know that we aren’t going anywhere, and that knowing is what makes us want to celebrate that union by getting as close to one another and bringing as much physical pleasure to each other as we possibly can…as often as absolutely possible.
To me, that is what the peak of physical intimacy is all about — and the people who choose to use the term “make love,” it should be seen through this type of lens. When this type of mental and emotional bond comes together via each other’s bodies, they are amplifying love, enjoying love, embracing love.
Making it, though? Chile, the love has already been made. Sex is just the icing on the cake.
Having Sex
GiphyA few nights ago, I found myself rewatching this movie called Four of Hearts (which you can currently view on yep, you guessed it: Tubi). It’s about two married couples — one that is in an open marriage and another that isn’t although they somehow thought that sharing a night with the other couple would be a good idea (chile). Anyway, as one of the partners found themselves getting low-key sprung, the one they fell for said in one of the scenes, “It wasn’t a connection. It was just sex.” JUST. SEX.
Listen, when you decide to let a man put an entire part of his body inside of you at the risk of potentially getting an STI/STD or pregnant (because no form of birth control is 100 percent except for abstinence), it can never be “just sex” (somebody really needed to hear that too). At the same time, though, I got the character’s point because, if one or both people do not love each other or even deeply care for one another and/or sex is treated as an activity more than an act to establish a worthwhile connection and/or you and the person you are sleeping with have not really discussed what you are expecting from sex besides the act itself — you’re definitely not making/celebrating love.
Not by a long shot. What can make things get a bit complicated, though, is you’re doing the same act that “love makers” do without the same mental and emotional ties…or (sometimes) expectations.
You know, back when I decided to put all of my business out there via the piece “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners,” now more than ever, I am quite clear that most of those guys fell into the “having sex” category. I wasn’t in the type of relationship with them where “making love” even made sense; however, because I was friends with most of them, we weren’t exactly f-cking (which I will get to in just a moment) either. We had a connection of some sort for the bedroom yet not enough to be together in the other rooms of the house.
We were really attracted and curious, so we decided to act on that. Oftentimes, the sex was good and so we rationalized that “having sex” was enough because if the friendship was, eh, “sound enough”, that we could justify the physical pleasure.
And y’all, that’s kind of what having sex is — it’s the limbo (or purgatory, depending on your situation) between making love and f-cking. The thing about limbo ish is it’s a lot like something being lukewarm: it’s not really one thing or another which means that it can completely blindside you, if you’re not careful (and totally honest with yourself as well as your partner(s)).
So, if you are contemplating having sex, I really — REALLY — recommend that you figure out how you feel, what you want (outside of the act itself) and if you are prepared for what “not quites” can bring. My mother used to say that the consequences of sex don’t change just because the circumstances do — and there is some solid “wow” to that, if you really stop to think about it.
GiphyAnd finally, f-ck. Although most experts on the word (and yes, there are some) agree that its origin is rooted somewhere within the German language (although some say that it might’ve come from Middle English words like fyke or fike which mean “to move about restlessly” or the Norwegian word fukka which means “to copulate”), you might have also heard that it is an acronym that once stood for “Fornication Under Consent of the King”; and there is actually some data that is connected to that as well.
Legend has it that way back in the day, in order to keep reproduction rates where a particular king wanted them to be, he would instruct his residents to have sex with each other — whether they were married or not (hence, the word “fornication” being in the acronym). However, because sex outside of marriage was taken far more seriously at the time, residents had to apply for a permit to participate so that the king could determine if things like their occupation and lineage would prove to be beneficial for the kingdom overall. F-ck: no love; just necessity. And although some believe this to be more myth than fact, what is certain is it was only over time that f-ck was seen as a profane/swear/cuss word — a word that was perceived to be so offensive, in fact, that between the years 1795-1965, it didn’t even appear in dictionaries.
Personally, when I think of this four-letter word, the first thing that actually comes to my mind is animals. Take a dog being in heat, for instance. That’s basically when a female dog is ovulating and wants to have sex the most. It’s not because they are “in love” with another dog; they are simply doing what instinctively comes to them — and since animals do not reason or feel at the same capacity that humans do, although they science says that many of them do experience pleasure when they engage in their version of sexual activity, it’s not nearly as layered or even profound as what we experience.
Let’s keep going. Another reason why f-cking makes me think of animals is due to the doggy style position. Hear me out. Ain’t it wild how, most of us pretty much know that the term comes from how dogs have sex, even though most animals have sex that same way — and think about it: Doggy style doesn’t consist of making eye contact or kissing while having intercourse. It’s “hitting from behind” without much emotional energy or effort at all. Just how animals do it. And so, yeah, f-cking does seem to be more about pure animal — or in our case, mammal — instinct. I don’t need to feel anything for someone, so long as the sexual desire is there. Hmph.
Something else that I find to be interesting about f-cking is how dictionaries choose to define it. Many of them are going to provide you with two definitions: “to have sexual intercourse with” and “to treat unfairly or harshly (usually followed by over)” and that definitely makes me think of another term — casual sex and words that define casual like apathetic, careless and without serious or definite intention. So, the dictionary says that while f-cking is about having sexual intercourse — just like making love and having sex is — it goes a step further and says that it can include being treated unfairly or harshly.
And although that can make you think of assault on the surface, for sure — sometimes being treated unfairly or harshly is simply feeling like someone had sex AT you and not really WITH you; instinct (i.e., getting off) and that’s about it. Yeah, the way this puzzle is coming together, f-cking seems to be more about lust and self and not much else.
Now That You Know the Difference, What to Keep in Mind
Y’all, this is definitely the kind of topic that I could expound on until each and every cow comes home. That said, here’s hoping that I provided enough perspective on each act to close this out by encouraging you to keep the following three things to keep in mind:
1. Before you engage in copulation, be honest with yourself about what you’re ACTUALLY doing — and that your partner agrees with you. You know, they say that our brain is our biggest sex organ and honestly, breaking down the differences between making love, having sex and f-cking helps to prove that fact. I say that because, although the sex act itself is pretty much the same across the board, you and your partner’s mindset can make the experience completely different. That said, if you think that you are making love and they think y’all are just having sex — stuff can get pretty dicey. Bottom line: communicate in the bedroom before attempting to connect outside of it. It’s always worth it when you do.
2. Yes, you can feel one way and do something else. I can just about guess what some of y’all are on: Shellie, we can love our partner and still just want to f-ck. If what you are saying is you can emotionally love someone and physically lust them and want to act sometimes on the lust without really factoring in the love — yes, I agree. Doggy style continues to be a favorite sex position for people, in general, and I’m more than confident that many of the participants polled are in a serious relationship. However, having lust-filled sex with someone who you know loves you is vastly different than doing it with someone who you have no clue what they think about you or you barely know at all. Y’all, please just make sure that you know…what you should know. Sex is too amazing to have a lot of regret after it.
3. Have realistic expectations about sex. Listen, so much of my life consists of writing and talking about sex that I will be the first one to say that it deserves a ton of props for what it is able to do, in a wonderful way, for people mentally, emotionally and physically. Yet again, I’m not a fan of “make love” because something that feels really good doesn’t always mean that it is good for you. Meaning, you’ve got to be real about what sex with someone will do to your mind and spirit — not just what it will do for your body. An author by the name of Gabriel García Márquez once said, “Sex is the consolation you have when you can't have love.” For no one, should this be a constant norm. Feel me? I hope you do.
____
One act. Three very different experiences.
It’s kind of wild that sex has the ability to create that — and yet, clearly, it does.
Please just make sure that you know which experience you’re signing up for.
So that you’re having sex (you know, in general) instead of sex having you. Real talk.
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