Are You In Love Or Are You In Need?
Disclaimer: Here's the heads up on what I'm about to share. It'll be really easy to read what this woman allowed a man to send her through and call her "crazy", "desperate" or "stupid" but, before you do that, try and reflect on if there's any relationship you've ever been in where you were needy for a man. Personally, while things may have never gotten quite this extreme, I know there have been times when I put myself through more than I ever should have in the name of (so-called) love.
I'd say for the past 6-7 years or so, about twice a year, I'll hear from a woman who claims that she's still in love with one particular man. A man who won't commit (or even really claim her in public). A man who brings her in but won't take her out (that's my way of saying he sexes her but doesn't date her). A man who's told her that he doesn't feel the same way she does, not by a long shot. Yet, she still claims that she completely adores this guy—a guy I don't know (because I don't use "know" loosely), but a guy I certainly know of.
He's not a bad person. He's really not.
Anyway, she's sooooooo into him that she even told me that one time, after she came to his house unannounced (for the umpteenth time), he let her in, had sex with her, and then put her out. I mean, literally picked her up and put her out. Even after that, she still claims to love him.
Yeah. I already know that some of y'all read that and immediately got H-O-T. But who are you the most upset with—him or her? If it's him, what are you mad about? That he made the decision to get some before he humiliated her? If it's her, is it because she 1) disrespected his space by not calling first; 2) had sex with him even though he had already told her what the deal was, or 3) she allowed her "devotion" to him to get her to the point of getting put out yet she still professes her love for dude?
No matter what side of the fence you're standing on, I promise you I get it. When we're not emotionally involved in a relationship or situationship, it's easy to see the crazy for what it is. But I remember discovering that a guy I dated rotated me and six other girls in the same picture frame and my still deciding to date him. I remember finding out that my first love had me and another girl pregnant at the same time and still calling him my boyfriend. I remember going above and beyond for a guy, running into him and his girlfriend (even though he told me he didn't have a girlfriend) and not immediately cutting things off. I also remember thinking that my sticking around was an act of love when really, just like ole' girl, it was nothing more than unadulterated neediness.
Needy. It's such a dysfunctional word.
Whenever I think of it, one of the definitions that immediately comes to mind is impoverished. An impoverished person is someone who is deprived of strength. So, you know what that means, right? You can't really be needy if you're a strong and courageous individual—if you're someone who is mentally, emotionally, and spiritually empowered and powerful. (Now bookmark that for a moment while I make another point.)
Even if you can't relate to the instances of neediness that I just shared, here are some other examples of what being needy in a relationship looks and lives like:
- People who move too fast in relationships are typically needy.
- People who are clingy in relationships are typically needy.
- People who are jealous and overbearing are typically needy.
- People whose lives totally revolve around another individual are typically needy.
- People who diminish their value unless they are with someone are typically needy.
Now here's where it all comes together. How is it that so many of us—men and women—can find ourselves being needy and calling it love? I think the answer lies in a definition of power:
Power: ability to do or act; capability of doing or accomplishing something
Back when I was being a needy chick, it was due to so many things—my dysfunctional upbringing, abandonment issues; being a words of affirmation person while hearing relatives and racist educators say some pretty damaging things; being in so-called friendships that lacked reciprocity; doing most of the work in most of my romantic relationships and growing up in a church that taught very little about self-love (love your neighbor AS YOURSELF, y'all—Mark 12:30-31).
Lord have mercy. I can look back now and see that because I lacked the ability to love myself I was constantly looking for someone else to do it. And since I wanted a man in my life and I lacked self-love simultaneously, that want turned into a need. And the longer I went without loving myself, that need turned into bonafide neediness.
'Cause here's the thing. When you don't have a healthy and clear understanding of what love is, you'll let some of the most toxic imitations of love define it for you.
You find yourself thinking that tolerating abuse—neglect is a form of abuse, by the way—is being loyal. That sharing a man is being patient. That not requiring what you want is being low maintenance. That sacrificing yourself in order to keep "him" around is nothing more than a normal act of compromise. You find yourself believing that having something is better than having nothing when sometimes that "something" is, ironically, less than nothing. All of this will have you out here doing the absolute most, all the while believing that it's love when it is nothing of the sort.
It wasn't until I developed the ability to see me, to honor me, to LOVE ME that I was able to tell the difference between loving a man and being needy for one. And what's the main difference? I don't NEED a man.
Now, I'm not meaning this in the extreme sense. God made men (and men are not designed to think or act like us; otherwise, they'd be women…but that's another message for another time). All of God's creations serve a divine purpose. For that reason alone, I need men in my life. What I'm saying is I am not gonna die if I'm not in a relationship with or even dating someone. I will die if I go without food and water for too long. Those are needs.
At this stage in my life, having a man in it is literally like the icing on the cake. It will add something very sweet and special to it—but the cake is pretty delicious all on its own.
Now that I have developed the ability to love myself—to apply the Love Chapter (I Corinthians 13) to how I treat even me—the power that I thought I could only get via another person, I now hold. I am strong and courageous (which basically means not afraid) enough to be alone. Why? Because I don't need someone to love me. I LOVE ME. Everyone else is a bonus.
For me, that's the true difference between loving a man and being needy for one. When you love yourself, you've got the Miki Howard effect. What I mean by that is, back in the day, she released a song entitled, "Come Share My Love". When you love a man, he's coming into an abundance of love you've already got. When you're needy for one, you want him to give you something that you don't even have.
The woman I mentioned earlier? She's not crazy. She simply doesn't love herself. Enough. Yet. Once she's capable of loving herself, she won't be looking for that dude (or any man) to do it. She'll realize that no truer words have been spoken than when writer Maureen Dowd once said:
"The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for."
Love is healthy. It's godly. It's empowering. It's honorable. It causes you to thrive—mind, body, and spirit. Continually so. If you can't apply these words to the situation you've got going on with a man—be careful. What you're thinking is love may be disguising itself as nothing more than mere neediness.
The good news is…now you know the difference.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Another season of Love Is Blind has come to a close, and almost two months later we’re still unpacking the drama that is Clay and AD. The finale, reunion, and post-interviews with Clay and AD after season six of Love Is Blind left millions of people wondering - why couldn’t AD see the signs? Clay told her he had a fear of marriage, his parents experienced infidelity, and he seemed to have many doubts about saying, "I do."
After changing his mind at the altar and hearing AD question why she feels like she’s never enough, I was finished watching. I didn’t need to hear anything else because, at that moment, I realized this wasn’t about Clay; this was about AD feeling inadequate before she ever met Clay.
If I’m honest, I don’t watch much dating television. TikTok keeps me updated with the clips that I need to see in order to be kept in the loop, but it’s difficult for me to watch an entire season of dating TV because seeing Black women settle for less and questioning their beauty is a trigger for me. In many ways, there were points in my life where I was AD, settling and ignoring red flags because I wanted to be loved.
Now, on the other side, it doesn’t feel good to see Black women lower their standards on national television. There have been many hot takes on this couple and who was in the wrong. Did Clay play in AD’s face or did she not listen to the truth of what he told her from day one? Was his reason for joining the show to promote his business and not to find the one?
We’ll never know the truth, but what we can do is learn tactics to better our self-worth. Founder and CEO of The Self Love Organization Denise Francis shared her expertise with xoNecole on what tangible steps to take to improve feelings of worthiness. “Self-love blooms in a garden where self-worth is planted, nourished, and whole. However, when your self-worth is challenged, displaced, or broken, it could be difficult to rebuild," Denise explains.
How To Rebuild Self-Worth
During her self-love coaching sessions, Denise likes to walk her clients through the cornerstones of rebuilding self-worth: grace and self-compassion. To her, self-worth is never lost, it's only displaced, so practicing self-compassion and giving yourself grace is a must. "We tend to place our self-worth in entities and people of ourselves such as relationship status, physical appearance, material possessions, social media followings, what others think of us, and more. Self-worth is not something to be measured by anyone or anything outside of ourselves because we all innately hold value and worth.
"Self-worth is not something to be measured by anyone or anything outside of ourselves because we all innately hold value and worth."
"When we place our value into people or things, we tend to feel that we are not enough, worth it, special, or important when relationship status, job titles, friendships, and physical appearances are lost or changed. We then tend to feel lost within ourselves because we’ve placed our value outside of ourselves. Using grace and compassion, you can rebuild your self-worth by returning home to who you are at your core," she concludes.
How To Return Home To Yourself
Denise advises taking a step back and using self-reflection through journaling by answering the following journaling prompts:
First, ask yourself, "What do you tend to attach your self-worth to and why?"
Is it your relationships, your job title, your finances, your appearance, etc.? Why do you think you place so much emphasis on external status? How does it make you feel when you are defining yourself through these entities and/or people outside of yourself?
Then, ask yourself, "Without these things, who am I?"
Once you have your answers, show yourself kindness, remove the shame, and, as Denise says, "Redefine yourself by detaching your value from the things and people you have no control over and no longer serve you. Challenge yourself to define yourself outside of titles and societal values."
"By returning home to your core, you find value in who you are as a person. You begin to find value in the way you love instead of your relationship status, your compassion instead of your popularity, your drive instead of your income/job title, and your heart instead of your physical appearance," she adds.
"By returning home to your core, you find value in who you are as a person."
"Be intentional with healing your self-worth by leaning into the people and things that nourish your core values. Surround yourself with the people who love and cherish you, they will always remind you just how valuable you truly are."
It all goes back to self-compassion and grace. As Denise explains, leading with those two things as you heal and rebuild your self-worth allows you to reduce negative self-talk that might come up for you. "This weakens thoughts like, 'I am not enough... why am I never enough?'" she shares, "And 'I don't deserve this while strengthening thoughts like 'I deserve better,' 'I am enough,' and 'I am worth it.'"
Denise continues, "Once you return home and remember the irreplaceable person you are, you can rebuild your self-worth by placing it back where it belongs. It belongs to you."
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Featured image by LaylaBird/Getty Images