
Unpopular Opinion: Men And Women CAN Really Be "Just Friends"

Many moons ago, I took an intimacy class with a group of people. The premise of it was to learn how to cultivate emotional attachments in a healthy way. A married couple facilitated it and, for the most part, the only steadfast rules were 1) do the weekly homework that was assigned and 2) get an accountability partner within the group—only, make sure it's someone of the same sex rather than the opposite one.
Why? The facilitators believed that if a man and woman ended up sharing too much emotional intimacy with one another, it could cause them to think there is a romantic connection, even if it isn't genuine. How can this happen? Again, the facilitators felt that it's what naturally transpires when men and women spend a lot of significant time together.
Although I got their point, I can't 100 percent get on board with that. Their perspective pretty much implies that Billy Crystal's character in the movie When Harry Met Sally was right; that men and women can never be just friends.
I live in the real world and, at this point in my life, I'd say that about 60 percent of the closest people to me are male. Men with whom I have no history with (we'll get more into that in just a bit). Men with whom I can—and do—talk to for hours on end. Men whom I love deeply and profoundly and platonically (I can't wait to share with you what platonic means!). Men with whom I am, and will continue to be, just friends with.
So, why is it that so many people seem to think that being just friends with the opposite sex is such an impossible feat? I'd venture to say that it's because the following five points aren't thoughtfully and thoroughly considered before a man and a woman decide to become (and remain) homies.
Be Honest About (Potential) Attraction, Off Top
I'm pretty open about the fact that, back when I was sexually active, my pattern was to sleep with my male friends. I don't mean all of them (goodness!). What I mean is, because I didn't become active until college and the time span of relationships in that environment is super short, once a guy realized that he couldn't bag me after a couple of phone calls and a midnight run to Krystal's, usually the decision was to become friends only. The problem with that is since sometimes, there was a mutual physical attraction, after a semester or so, we'd get click tight. Then the emotional attachment would turn into sexual intimacy.
That's why I say that the first thing a man and a woman have to get super honest with each other about is if one or both are attracted to one another. Mind you, not if both find the other attractive (I think my own brother is attractive) but if they find each other appealing. If so, that doesn't mean they can't be friends, but that does get into some of the potentially murky waters that Billy Crystal's character was talking about. Especially since sometimes bonding with someone on the mental and emotional tip can end up making them even more…enticing.
Get Clear About Your Motives
One of my closest male friends, we've been tight since college. It's always been platonic due to my first point. However, we did have a season where things got a little uncomfortable because while I've never been attracted to him, he had an attraction to me. It got to the point that he even said to me in my early 30s that if I would consider taking things to another level, marriage would be on the table.
I love this friend. He's one of my favorite people on the entire planet. But when he said that, I felt nauseous and not in that butterflies in the stomach kind of way. I love him but I don't LOVE him. Not at all. Never have and never will.
For him, his feelings were a little hurt, although we made it through. And one of the things that experience taught me is that when you decide to be friends of someone of the opposite sex, you've got to get real with yourself about what your true objective is. Do you want to be the person's friend or do you somehow see friendship as a mere starting point into something…else?
A lot can be said about someone's motives. Motives reveal A LOT. What are yours? What are his?
If There Is “a Past”, Keep It Out of Your Present
A few weeks ago, I ran into a guy that I was sexually active with for several years back in the day. Before we "took it there", we really enjoyed just talking on the phone for hours on end, about everything and nothing. To this day, we still communicate really well, although because the mental and sexual connection was pretty on-point, we keep things at a semi-surface level. Meaning, when we see one another, we can chop it up for hours. But exchanging phone numbers and hanging out at each other's cribs? Yeah, that's probably not a good idea.
Then there's another guy who, to this day, I don't know how he got to hit it. I really don't. I think back and I'm like "ugh, ugh and ugh". He and I are just buddies again because the past has remained there. I can't imagine what scenario could get us back in the sheets again. Not a one.
"Door #2"? He's proof that just because two people have history, that doesn't mean friendship is totally out of the question. Something can only happen in the present when both want it too (or are open to at least considering it). If that is not the case, things can transition into something more platonic without any temptation or subtext. Trust me.
Make Sure Their Significant Other Is Good
At this stage in my life, most of my world is married (or divorced). This means that some of my male friends have wives. Now, I know some people who believe that it's "dangerous" for married people to have single friends but, whatever. You'd be amazed by how many married people cheat on their spouse with, not single folks but other married people. It's a reminder that a person's relational status isn't really the issue, their integrity level is.
My married male friends? I have no problem with any of their wives and they have no issue with my friendship with their husband. One reason is because their wives have not only met me before, but they have full access to me including my email address and phone number. Another reason is because I am intentional about establishing some sort of connection with my male friend's significant other. We might not be besties, but we are definitely cool. Another reason is because, in these instances, there is no more-than-friends history to speak of.
In fact, I once remember talking to one of my "husband friends" who lives in a different time zone than me. It was 9:30pm to them and 11:30pm to me. The wife joined in for about 15-20 minutes and then told us both "good night". He and I spoke for about 40 more minutes after that. The next time I spoke with his lady, I commented on how a lot of wives would never let their husband talk to another woman while they were in bed asleep. Her response? "If you and my husband had sexual history or you weren't so respectful of our marriage, I wouldn't have. But neither of you have given me question to doubt your friendship. Plus, I have male friends. It's all good."
As a marriage life coach, although I do think that married couples need to do whatever works for them and their relationship, I don't think it's the healthiest for them to not have friends of the opposite sex.
The friendship isn't the issue. It's the level of openness, honesty, and trust that exists that is.
If all parties involved respect the union and there are healthy boundaries established, then yes, single and married people can be friends—even if they are of the opposite sex.
Embrace What Platonic Love with the Opposite Sex Brings to the Table
One of my favorite things about male/female friendships is the fact that the two genders coming together in that way help to create a balance of energy and synergy in a way that same-sex friendships simply cannot.
Personally, I can't tell you how many times a male perspective on something has spared me drama, heartbreak, and mass confusion. It's amazing how the love of a male friend can fill voids that make settling for a less-than-what-I-deserve relationship not even worth considering.
Like good brothers, male friends also have the ability to make us, as women, feel protected. I absolutely love that. Yeah, platonic love is nothing to sleep on.
That's why, I think, it's a non-issue to spend precious and valuable time pondering whether or not men and women can be just friends. From where I sit, not only "can" they be but, if everything else that I shared checks out, they absolutely should be. I say that because platonic is another word for "spiritual love" and anyone who has a true friend of the opposite sex, they know that although the connection may not be romantic, it is so profoundly pure and divine that it is still very necessary. The fact that one of the people in the friendship is a man while the other is a woman shouldn't be seen as an obstacle but a true blessing.
So, can a man and woman be just friends? If they are both striving for platonic love and a healthy bond, of course they can. Let me and my male homies tell it, they're only selling themselves short if they don't.
So, can a man and woman be just friends? If they are both striving for platonic love and a healthy bond, of course they can. Let me and my male homies tell it, they're only selling themselves short if they don't.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Adrian Marcel On Purpose, Sacrifice, And The 'Signs Of Life'
In this week's episode of xoMAN, host Kiara Walker talked with R&B artist Adrian Marcel, who opened up, full of heart and authenticity, about his personal evolution. He discussed his days transitioning from a young Bay Area singer on the come-up to becoming a grounded husband and father of four.
With honesty and introspection, Marcel reflected on how life, love, and loss have shaped the man he is today.
On ‘Life’s Subtle Signals’
Much of the conversation centered around purpose, sacrifice, and listening to life’s subtle signals. “I think that you really have to pay attention to the signs of life,” Marcel said. “Because as much as we need to make money, we are not necessarily on this Earth for that sole purpose, you know what I mean?” While he acknowledged his ambitions, adding, “that is not me saying at all I’m not trying to ball out,” he emphasized that fulfillment goes deeper.
“We are here to be happy. We are here [to] fulfill a purpose that we are put on here for.”
On Passion vs. Survival
Adrian spoke candidly about the tension between passion and survival, describing how hardship can sometimes point us away from misaligned paths. “If you find it’s constantly hurting you… that’s telling you something. That’s telling you that you’re going outside of your purpose.”
Marcel’s path hasn’t been without detours. A promising athlete in his youth, he recalled, “Early on in my career, I was still doing sports… I was good… I had a scholarship.” An injury changed everything. “My femur broke. Hence why I always say, you know, I’m gonna keep you hip like a femur.” After the injury, he pivoted to explore other careers, including teaching and corporate jobs.
“It just did not get me—even with any success that happened in anything—those times, back then, I was so unhappy. And you know, to a different degree. Like not just like, ‘I really want to be a singer so that’s why I’m unhappy.’ Nah, it was like, it was not fulfilling me in any form or fashion.”
On Connection Between Pursuing Music & Fatherhood
He recalled performing old-school songs at age 12 to impress girls, then his father challenged him: “You can lie to these girls all you want, but you're really just lying to yourself. You ain't growing.” That push led him to the piano—and eventually, to his truth. “Music is my love,” Marcel affirmed. “I wouldn’t be a happy husband if I was here trying to do anything else just to appease her [his wife].”
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
Featured image by xoNecole/YouTube
You Don’t Have To Choose: How Black Women Can Care For Others Without Self-Sacrifice
One of the primary instructions we receive before a flight takes off is to prioritize putting on your life vest first if there’s an emergency, even before assisting others. It’s funny how this rule rarely translates to the daily routine of women.
As women we are taught, directly and indirectly, to put others first. Whether it’s our romantic partners, kids, parents, friends, or even our jobs. Mental health survivor and founder of Sista Afya Community Care, Camesha Jones-Brandon is challenging that narrative by using her platform to advocate for Black women and their right to self-care.
Camesha created the organization after her struggles with mental health and the lack of community she experienced. The Chicago native explains how she created Sista Afya to be rooted in “culturally grounded care.”
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“So at my organization, Sista Afya Community Care, we focus on providing mental health care through a cultural and gender lens,” she tells xoNecole. “So when we think about the term intersectionality, coined by Kimberlé Crenshaw, we think about the multiple identities that lead to certain experiences and outcomes as it relates to Black women.
“So in the context of culturally grounded care, being aware of the cultural history, the cultural values, and then also the current issues that impact mental health outcomes.”
Words like “strong” and “independent” have long been associated with Black women for some time and many of us have begun to embrace the soft life and are using rest as a form of resistance. However, some of us still struggle with putting ourselves first and overall shedding the tainted image of the “strong, Black woman” that had been forced on us.
Camesha shares that while there’s more and more communities being created around empowerment and shared interests like running, she still questions, “are Black women really comfortable with being vulnerable about sharing their experiences?”
Being vulnerable with ourselves and others play an important role in healing the instinctive nature of always being “on” for everyone. “I'm currently facilitating a group on high functioning depression, and yesterday, we talked about how when Black women may be struggling or have shared their concerns with other people. They may be minimized, or they're told to just be strong, or it's not so bad, or I went through something worse back in Jim Crow era, so you should be thankful,” she explains.
“So I think there's a challenge with Black women being able to be honest, to be vulnerable and to receive the support that they need in the same capacity as how much they give support to other people. So that is probably a very common theme. I think we've made a lot of progress when we talk about the superwoman syndrome, the mammy stereotype, the working hard stereotype, the nurturing stereotype. I think we're beginning to unpack those things, but I still see that we have definitely a long way to go in that area.”
I think there's a challenge with Black women being able to be honest, to be vulnerable and to receive the support that they need in the same capacity as how much they give support to other people.
Roman Samborskyi/ Shutterstock
While we’re unpacking those things, we know that we’re still women at the end of the day. So as we continue to serve in various roles like mothers, daughters, sisters, and caretakers, we have to make caring for ourselves a priority. Camesha reveals four ways we can still care for others without abandoning ourselves.
Trust
First things first, trust. Camesha explains, “Some of the burdens that Black women have can be linked to not feeling like you can trust people to carry the load with you.
“It's hard because people experience trauma or being let down or different experiences, but one of the things that I found personally is the more that I'm able to practice trust, the more I'm able to get my needs met. Then, to also show up as my best to care for other Black women.”
Know Your Limitations
Another thing Camesha highlighted is Black women knowing their limitations. “The other thing that I would like to bring up in terms of a way to care for yourself is to really know your limitations, or know how much you can give and what you need to receive,” she says.
“So often, what I see with Black women is giving, giving, giving, giving, giving to the point that you're not feeling well, and then not receiving what you need in return to be able to feel well and whole individually. So I really think it's important to know your limitations and know your capacity and to identify what it is that you need to be well.”
Don’t Take On A Lot Of Responsibilities
Next on the list is not taking on so many responsibilities, sharing herself as an example. “The other thing is taking on too much responsibility, especially in a time of vulnerability.
“One thing that I personally struggled with was being so passionate about community mental health for Black women, and saying yes to everything and taking on so much responsibility,” she reveals. “That affected me to do well in serving Black women and then also impacting my own well being.”
Practice Self-Care
Lastly, she notes the importance of practicing self-care. “The last thing is really practicing regular self care, regular community care, so that it's embedded into your daily life. So for me, having prepared meals, going to the gym, getting eight hours of sleep, spending time with friends and family, all of those things are part of my self care that keep me at my best,” she explains.
“Then community care, leaning into social networks or social groups, or spending time with other interests or hobbies. That's a part of my community care that keeps me going, so that I can take care of my needs, but also to be able to show up best in care for others.”
Find out more about Camesha and Sista Afya Community Care at communitycare.sistaafya.com.
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