1991 and 1992. Anyone who was a teenager or in college during that time knows that if there were two groups who were constantly on the airwaves and had music visuals in regular rotation, it was SWV (they came out first) and Xscape (they came out the following year).
Wanna talk about a no-skips LP? That would be SWV’s It’s About Time (a soundbite from their current show is definitely Coko saying, “30 million records sold…bitch”…LOL). And when it comes to Xscape, I will play “Feels So Good,” “My Little Secret,” and “Do You Want To” like they just came out to this day.
So yeah, when news hit cyberspace that they were going to do a reality six-part series together, I automatically knew that I was going to make the time to check it out. I mean, I had watched their shows (featuring them separately) before, and, for better or for worse, it was definitely some must-see TV.
Honestly, that’s why it didn’t shock me one bit when I peeped the People’s article, “Xscape Members Admit to 'Reluctantly' Signing on for New TV Show 'Queens of R&B' with SWV,”; especially when I noticed that Mona Scott-Young was an executive producer (have we ever seen her and Bravo’s Andy Cohen in the same room? Just sayin’).
And now that we’re what, four episodes in, I’ll just say that as someone who’s covered entertainment for many years now, I get that 1) we will never know people, as well as the media, wants us to think that we do; 2) perspectives are just that; and 3) no one is perfect.
That’s why I thought that the show could serve as a bit of a teachable moment in the sense that, rather than ranting incessantly on social media about what everyone is or isn’t/should or shouldn’t be doing, I would pull out seven lessons that stood out to me personally — things that we each can apply to our own lives if we’d instead turn entertainment into some edutainment. Ready?
1. Passive Aggressiveness Is the Ultimate Form of Gaslighting
GiphyIf there is one thing that irks me to no end, it’s a passive-aggressive individual and at the risk of being, well, passive-aggressive (LOL). If you’ve watched every episode of the show, you know exactly who fits the bill. One-word answers. Constantly being in opposition just to make things difficult. Dropping hints instead of coming right on out and saying what the issue is. Always playing the victim. Has an ever-growing scorecard without taking any accountability. Whew, these kinds of folks are completely exhausting. And what really sucks about how they move is that their words and actions float under the radar to the point where, when you get sick and tired of their ish and respond or react, they act like you’re the crazy one for doing so.
At the end of the day, passive-aggressive people think that “keeping the peace” means doing things their way. Yeah, watch that. They’re also chameleons because they will keep switching up based on who they’re around to keep a certain narrative about them going. Watch out for that too. Because if you continue to interact with them without calling them out on their ish, they will get off on gaslighting you — which means getting you to the point where you start to question your own reality, feelings, or perception of things, even though you know what you’re experiencing is real, which can end up driving you totally up the wall with no real benefits for doing so.
2. Toxic Moms Are a Problem That Isn’t Discussed Nearly Enough
GiphyMs. Gloria (LaTocha and Tamika’s mother). LAWD. I was just saying in an interview not too long ago that it’s past time that we fully address the damage that toxic moms are able to do. And if you will get involved in grown children’s issues; if you will try to intimidate your own children by yelling and talking over them like they aren’t adults; if you will minimize one child’s feelings in order to uplift another’s ego (like when Ms. Gloria said that Tamika was jealous of LaTocha behind Tamika’s back while Tamika was venting about feeling mistreated by both of them); if you will call yourself the fifth member of a group that has only four members and act like that justifies you butting into their business at any given time point and time (which it doesn’t); if you will tell a child that your other child may have taken said child’s money because she needed it (what in the world?!) and, if you’ve got one of your children never having peace about her own voice in life because she thinks she has to muffle it in order to get your approval — these are all forms of toxicity in parenting.
Wanna know some other ones?
- Toxic parents are self-centered
- Toxic parents are emotionally unpredictable
- Toxic parents are overly-critical
- Toxic parents disrespect other people’s boundaries
- Toxic parents have a justification for even the most destructive behaviors
- Toxic parents are demanding — oftentimes unrealistically so
- Toxic parents get off on using fear to get what they want, even out of their adult children
- Toxic parents lack any level of self-accountability
- Toxic parents are draining to be around
- Toxic parents basically only apologize to get you to lower your guard so that they can do something else manipulative.
It’s truly irrefutable that Ms. Gloria checks off these boxes. Yet if there is a silver lining to watching all of this go down in Tamika’s world, it’s that it could help some people to “connect some dots” in their own world (by the way, another sign of toxic parenting is a controlling parent because their job, especially once you are an adult, is to advise not dictate; we’ll have to deal with that at another time, though).
You know, unfortunately, when it comes to toxic parents of adult kids, oftentimes we’re told to just grin and bear it out of “respect for our elders.” Uh-huh, and do you know what that is? It’s another sign of toxic parenting because it’s a form of manipulation. And when folks decide to bring the Bible into the mix, the kind of manipulation that it is, specifically, is spiritual manipulation. This brings me to the next point.
3. Spiritual Manipulation Is a Very Real Thing
Giphy“You don’t have enough God in you to calm yourself down and listen to righteousness. And if I hear you jumping on your sister, there ain’t nothin’ in this world that won’t keep me from kickin’ yo tail.”
When I heard Ms. Gloria say the above message on Tamika’s voicemail, it was triggering as literal hell. I mean, you’d have to be completely delusional about what it means to have a Christ-like disposition to think that anything about that was loving, peace-filled, or compassionate. Yet, unfortunately, a lot of every-week-church-going people will think that Christianity is like Showtime at the Apollo back in the day.
What I mean by that is some of us are old enough to remember that they didn’t let you boo someone if they sang a gospel song, no matter how bad they were. In comparison, a lot of people think that they can’t be told about themselves so long as they claim to be a believer or they use — or is it manipulate? — a Scripture to justify their totally reckless behavior.
Even when LaTocha said, “We come from a praying family,” I couldn’t help but think, “there is PRAYING, and then there is PREYING” because if there is a constant discourse, pain, and drama, something is profoundly awry. After all, it is the Good Book itself that says that God is not the author of confusion but peace (I Corinthians 14:33) and that humility is where riches, honor, and life stem from (Proverbs 22:4).
And don’t get me started on the parents who think they can treat their children any ole’ kind of way under the guise of “Honor thy father and mother” (Exodus 20:12) because that very same Bible also says, “Do not provoke your children to wrath” (Ephesians 6:4).
Yeah, it really is time out for thinking that saying one is a Christian is enough to qualify as actually being one because if your character doesn’t complement how the Bible — not church culture but the Bible itself — says that one is supposed to act like, then something is off. WAY OFF. And you should be corrected for it. THE BIBLE SAYS SO.
“He who disdains instruction despises his own soul, but he who heeds rebuke gets understanding.” (Proverbs 15:22 — NKJV)
Besides, if you’re the only one who can delve out judgment calls and never be on the receiving end, not only is that highly hypocritical, that is actually spiritual manipulation at its finest. May we all beware of that.
Oh, and for the record, being spiritual means little if you remain in a state of spiritual immaturity. What are some indications of that?
- Holding grudges is spiritual immaturity (Ephesians 4:26)
- Unforgivingness is spiritual immaturity (Matthew 18:21-22)
- Rudeness is spiritual immaturity (I Corinthians 13:5 — AMPC)
- Not taking personal accountability is spiritual immaturity (I Corinthians 11:31-32)
- Trying to be popular at the expense of avoiding truth is spiritual immaturity (Luke 6:26 — Message)
4. Funky Attitudes Could Have Underlying Issues
GiphyAgain, I have been a fan of SWV since my teen years (my first love used to sing "Weak" to me often). I adored them then, and I enjoy them now ("Rain" is always gonna be my fave). That's why I thought it was interesting when Taj said in the first episode that they hadn't had any — pardon the pun — harmony issues since their 20s. Umm, I watched their 2014 reality television show (SWV Reunited) on WE tv, and it sings a very different tune (check out one example here). And boy, if there was a consistency in why the waters were so rocky, Coko was it.
Coko is a Gemini, and so am I. So, when it comes to the "straight no chaser" delivery that she has, I get it. Although I have to admit that time and intentional maturity on my part has taught me that "just being that way" isn't good enough if it's hurting other people's feelings or it's ultimately doing more harm than good.
As far as Coko, though, it seemed like — I'm gonna bring a word back — being janky never really bothered her, and I always found that to be…fascinating, especially since she always talked about growing up in the church. Like, you don't ever care about ruffling feathers? Like…EVER? Even with all of the talent that you have (because she really can SANG sing), do you not miss out on opportunities because people don't want to deal with so much of your…muchness?
That's why I'm glad she shared that she deals with bipolar depression. Not only does it shed some light on what seemed to oftentimes be erratic behavior on her show, but it also serves as a reminder that sometimes people are the way that they are due to some underlying causes that they might not even know about. Random mood swings. Blindsiding people with certain actions. Projecting issues. Stuff like that can have reasons that require some real therapy and/or medication, which is nothing to be ashamed of.
What people should feel uncomfortable about is constantly making others uncomfortable without looking into why they can be so triggering for them. So yeah, I salute Coko for sharing that private part of her life. She also gets mad props for a headline that I recently checked out: "SWV's Coko Gamble Takes In Cousin's 12-Year-Old Twins After Losing Her to Lupus: 'No Brainer.'" Much respect, indeed.
5. Never Apologize for Having Your Own Voice
GiphyIf there's one thing that seemed to be a running theme with this show, it's everyone wanted to make sure that their voice was heard — and good for them. LeLee has an alter ego (chile…CHILE), for instance. LaTocha wants to do gospel music. And Tamika doesn't want to be the hype man for her sister anymore — and interestingly enough, she seems to be paying for it when it comes to what it's costing her with her sister (and her mother).
Listen, if you don't get anything else out of these takeaways — please take away this: no one is truly your friend, blood or otherwise, if they only like you/can support you/will respect you if you do what they want you to do and/or how they want you to do it.
This is why the people who I counsel know that I will oftentimes say that what causes a lot of discord in relationships is so many people aren't looking for an actual PARTNER; what they want is a FAN and an AUDIENCE. Someone who will tell them that they can do no wrong and will back them up even when they are making the gravest of mistakes. Someone who will discourage you from growing if it's going to cause them to have to share some of their own spotlight. Someone who may claim to appreciate them, but oftentimes, what's really going on is they are quietly jealous— jealous of what could manifest if less focus was put on them.
I remember when I was penning my first book; there were family members who gave me the silent treatment for months because they were trying to intimidate me into not penning my book because they were concerned about how they would look in it. Lucky for them, I was merciful, and honestly, they should've been more concerned about how they treated me than if others were going to find out. That's on them. Yet I'm so glad that I didn't let them silence my voice because, as Alice Walker once said, "No person is your friend who demands your silence or denies your right to grow."
Someone is in some sort of relationship, friendship, or business partnership, and they know that it is holding them back. Please let all that you just read in this particular section serve as a BIG GREEN LIGHT that it's time to do what needs to be done to go to the next level — with or without them. (Side note: If they are right for you, they won't require that you sacrifice one for the other.)
6. Don’t Stay Stagnant or Stuck
GiphyWhen Todd said in episode three that Xscape and SWV should go to group therapy, even if he was joking, there really is truth in all humor. Between LaTocha and Kandi still having issues from 1998 ('98, y'all) to Taj asking Xscape if they even want to resolve their hamster wheel of drama to LeLee saying, "With girls, it's always some bullshit," to LaTocha still being mad at her group for saying, "If you had an ass to kiss" years later (what in the world?) — you would think that record labels and television shows would almost require that groups go to see a therapist, counselor and/or life coach at least a couple of times a year. Yeah, but that's almost too much like right…right?
It's kind of wild that a part of the reason why these kinds of shows continue to get picked up is that so much drama carries on from year to year to the point where stuff is still getting brought up from decades before — and that's why folks keep getting triggered and ish never gets fully resolved.
Not too long ago, I was in a session with someone who is basically on the verge of self-sabotaging their current relationship because they are still caught up in stuff that they wish their ex had done TWENTY YEARS AGO. And because they are still holding on to all of that, it's got them looking in the past rather than focusing on the present. And when we do that, it's impossible to fully move forward.
Listen, I don't know what the ladies on the show are gonna do. What I do know is healing is a choice, and there are plenty of resources available to us all in order for that to happen. As for this particular takeaway, all I will say is, it would be a damn shame for any of us to miss out on what's best for us because we're still holding onto things in the past that won't change no matter how much we wish that they would.
Hold folks accountable. Set boundaries. Do some releasing as needed (check out "Why I Don't 'Cut People Off' Anymore, I Release Them Instead"). Yet purpose in your mind that this will be the year when you do really learn to LET ISH GO. As the Chinese proverb goes, "It's later than you think," so why waste time holding on to what's only keeping you stagnant? Or worse, stuck?
7. EVERYWHERE YOU GO, THERE YOU ARE
GiphyOne more, and then I'm out. Did you peep how one person on the show is the common link in a lot of the drama, and yet that same person hasn't said one thing that they've done wrong? Whew, chile. Whenever I encounter individuals like that, the same quote always comes to mind — "everywhere you go, there you are" because it's the truth.
Indeed, while it's really kind of inconsequential for one person to say that you're problematic in a particular area if 20 folks are echoing the same point (especially people who claim to care about you vs. trolls on the internet…who cares about them?), only those who are complete egomaniacs or totally lack self-awareness wouldn't pause-and-ponder to see if there could be some truth into what is being said.
And those kinds of people? Tuning out the voices only to find another circle to hang out in is counterproductive as hell (Thomas Hobbes once said that "hell is truth seen too late") because if you don't do some self-correcting, the same stuff about you is eventually gonna creep up. That's how the universe teaches us to grow up.
So yeah — whoever gets under your skin the most on the series, my two cents would be to do a bit of self-reflection. Are you similar to them? Have some folks told you about yourself, and you, Elmo shrugged them off? Are you caught up in some patterns that you know it's time to break?
Listen, television programming is just that — TELEVISION PROGRAMMING (which is why we all should watch what we tune into and how much time we spend — or is it waste? — on the tube). Yet if we choose to step outside of just gawking and laughing, the good news is we can learn a few things. This show is certainly not exempt. Not by a long shot.
So, here's hoping that as you're playing your own favorite SWV and Xscape joints, you're taking in one or two life lessons along the way.
Now let me get off of this thing and listen to "You're Always on My Mind" for the billionth time to settle my spirit from all of this keyboard stroking. LOL.
Good times, good times. And yes, teachable moments too. Give thanks.
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A big part of the clarity that is coming through this month is due to Neptune going direct in Pisces on December 10, after being retrograde here since July. With Neptune now direct, we are able to see our inspiration and creativity a little more clearly, providing the perfect energy for dreams and manifestation to be built upon. The smoke is clearing, and it’s up to you to decide what you want to do with this newfound clarity that this transit is bringing. Mercury also moves back into Sagittarius on December 11, which is great for communication and clarity, and the adventures you were trying to see through at the beginning of November come around for you again with greater purpose and support.
On December 15, Mars enters Capricorn until the end of January 2026, and this is the extra push we need to make important changes and to be on the path towards greater abundance, stability, and prosperity. Mars in Capricorn takes care of business, and we have extra energy at our disposal during this time to do so. This transit is an ideal time to focus on your career or financial goals for next year and to start putting some of these plans into motion now. A few days later, we have the New Moon of the month, which will be in Sagittarius on December 19, and this is the perfect New Moon to manifest.
The energy is high, magic is in the air, and it’s all about moving forward with the new beginnings that are inspiring you and bringing you joy to think about right now.
Capricorn Season officially begins on December 21, and this earth sign energy is how we heal, gain closure, and build new foundations in our world. With Venus also moving into a Capricorn a few days later, there is something about peace, prosperity, and security that we are gaining in life and in love as we close out the year, and this is what we need right now. This month is about reflecting on what was, letting go of old hurt, and renewing. December is an ending and a new beginning in one, and there is magic in this space to be created.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what December 2025 has in store for you.
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleARIES
December is a full-circle moment for you, Aries. You are seeing the gifts in your world and have a lot of gratitude for the way things have come about for you as of late. There are culminations in your world that are providing you with more abundance, stability, and community, and you are exactly where you are meant to be this month. With the Sun in a fellow fire sign and in your 9th house of travel for most of the month, December is a good time to get out of your comfort zone, explore the world around you, and get your body moving.
Mars, your ruling planet, also makes a change and moves into Capricorn on December 15, which will fuel your inspiration and power in your career space. You are making a lot of professional progress as we close out the year; however, make sure to be more mindful of your competitive drive right now. The New Moon on December 19 is the perfect opportunity for you to create some new plans and goals when it comes to traveling, education, and where you want to gain some new inspiration in your world. Overall, this is a month of things coming together for you serendipitously.
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleTAURUS
December is about trusting your intuition, Taurus. You have a lot on your mind this month, and it’s best to delegate, communicate, and allow yourself some relief by opening up to someone and not feeling like you have to hold everything in. As we begin the month, we have a Supermoon in Gemini happening in your house of income, and the plans and projects you have been building here come to fruition for you now. This is the time to gain clarity on your financial world and to take a look at what spending habits you want to let go of here as well.
With Venus in your 8th house of shared resources for most of the month, you are doing a cleanse on your commitments, partnerships, and business ventures. You are taking a look at what you want to dedicate yourself to in the future, and what commitments you may need to let go of now in order to be in the space you truly want to be, both financially and within some of your relationship dynamics. Before we end the month, we have a New Moon in this same area of your chart, and it’s time to look at the opportunities that are presenting themselves and to trust your internal guidance system to lead you forward.
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleGEMINI
You are moving forward fearlessly this month, Gemini. December is your month of love, passion, and dignity, and you are owning the light that you shine. We begin the month with the last Supermoon of the year, happening in your sign, and you are stepping up to the plate. You are showing up, owning how much you have grown this year, and allowing yourself to heal while also acknowledging that you have done your best and you deserve to have fun in the midst of the changes you are creating.
Mercury, your ruling planet, is officially out of retrograde, and you can use this energy to the fullest potential now. With Mercury in your 7th house of love, it’s time to speak from the heart and to talk about the things that matter and that are inspiring you right now to your loved ones. You never know what kind of epiphanies you may have when you open up the conversation to others. Before the month ends, you have a New Moon in this same love area of your chart, and this New Moon is all about manifesting romance, commitment, and abundance in your world.
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleCANCER
December is an opening for more love, more joy, and more freedom in your life, Cancer. You have come to a place where you hold so much gratitude in your heart for where you are today and where your heart is shining, and things come together for you with more ease right now. With the Sun in your 6th house of health, work, and daily routines for most of the month, you are getting your ducks in a row while also putting more energy and effort into taking care of yourself, your priorities, and your well-being. This month surprises you in many ways, and it’s because you are showing up.
Mars and Venus both move into your house of love, relationships, marriage, and abundance this month, and you are making strides in your love life. You have both of these opposing forces on your side and are being recognized for the love you are while also receiving the love you want. This month, overall, is about focusing more on the positives in your world and letting your heart have its joy. Before December comes to an end, there is a New Moon in Sagittarius, and this is the perfect opportunity to create the plans you want to see through next year, especially when it comes to your work life, colleagues, business ventures, and health.
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleLEO
The scales of karma are balancing, and they are balancing in your favor this month, Leo. December is your month of truth, and of seeing it clearly in your world. The Sun is in your house of romance, pleasure, and happiness for most of the month, and it’s time to relax, be in the present moment, and allow what is meant to be, to be. With a Supermoon in your 11th house of manifestation as December begins, this is a powerful month for seeing your dreams come to fruition, and for feeling like the intentions you have set this year are finally here for you now.
Mars also moves into your 6th house mid-month, and this is the perfect energy to have to move into the new year. You have extra energy at your disposal right now and are feeling fearless with what is possible for you and your daily routine. Before the month ends, we also have a New Moon in a fellow fire sign, Sagittarius, and this is a breakthrough moment for you and your heart. December, overall, wants to show you how loved and supported you are and will be doing so in magical, unexpected, and concrete ways.
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleVIRGO
December is a month of victory, Virgo. You are showing up and experiencing some new successes in your world that move you forward on your path in life. With a Supermoon in your 10th house of career as we begin the month, the effort and intentions you have made this year come into full bloom, and you are being recognized for who you are and the good work you have done. This month is all about showing up and allowing yourself to be seen and loved, knowing that you deserve the support and opportunities you are receiving.
Mars moves into Capricorn on December 15, which brings the passion and excitement into your love life, hobbies, and little pleasures in life that light you up. You want to have fun this month and are going to be walking into the new year with this fearless, happy, and spontaneous energy within you. Before the month ends, Venus also enters Capricorn, and in this same area of your chart, you have a lot to look forward to and believe in right now. Overall, December wants you to be happy and will be doing everything possible to make that happen for you. This is your month to shine, Virgo.
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleLIBRA
December is a month of opportunity for you, Libra. New doors open, and you are financially making breakthroughs this month because of it. December begins with a Supermoon in your 9th house, and you are getting a clearer view of where you have been making strides in your life and how it has all brought you here to this present moment of freedom. This month is showing you what happens when you are fearless with your purpose and when you believe in yourself and what you are worthy of.
Moving further into December, Mars moves into your 4th house of home and family mid-month, and you are closing out the year in your safe spaces. You are spending more time with your loved ones and taking the time to quiet your mind and listen to what your heart has been telling you. Before the month ends, we have a New Moon in Sagittarius, happening in an area of your life that deals with communication. This is a great time for getting the answers you have been looking for and for feeling more clear-headed and confident about the decisions you are making as you move into the new year.
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleSCORPIO
Patience is a virtue this month, Scorpio. December is all about remaining patient and vigilant with what you are creating in your world, and knowing that the universe has your back. It’s time to be reminded of the power of hope, and this month is an opening to greater clarity in your life. There is a lot of energy in your financial zones right now, and this is providing you with new opportunities and new insight; however, the speed at which things come about for you may feel daunting. Keep your head up and eyes focused on what you want and know that you are more than worthy of receiving it.
With Mercury in your 2nd house of income this month, December is a good time to plant new seeds and to think about where you want to be financially a month from now or even a year. This month is asking you to think bigger and to think more long-term so that you can set the appropriate plans into motion now. We also have a New Moon in your house of income before the month ends, and this is when you will see more of your dreams come to fruition in this area of your life, and have more opportunities to build. Overall, December will be teaching you a lot, Scorpio.
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleSAGITTARIUS
Sagittarius Season is here, and there is a lot in store for you this month, Sag. December is all about what you are dedicating yourself to. It’s about setting your intentions and putting the work in to back up your dreams, and about getting things in order so that when the new beginnings come, you are ready for them. The Sun and Venus are in your sign for most of this month, and there are a lot of eyes on you right now. You have the potential to create a new beginning for yourself, and it’s time to invest in yourself, your love life, and your dreams.
Mercury moves into Sagittarius on December 11, and this is giving you another opportunity to see through some of the plans that you had initiated in November. Mercury was retrograde in your sign last month, and there may have been some disruptions to your vision and plans for the future, and now this energy is turning around for you. Before the month ends, we also have a New Moon in Sagittarius, and you are walking through new doors fearlessly. You are catching others by surprise by your growth this month, and you are thinking a lot about your purpose, future, and plans for the new year.
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleCAPRICORN
December is all about the vision, Capricorn. You are moving through a lot of changes and transformations this month, yet they are giving you a chance at a new beginning in the process. You are focused more on the future and what goals you want to manifest for yourself right now, and are ready to let go of what hasn’t been working for you. With the Sun in your 12th house of closure for most of December, this is your time for healing, but remember, healing doesn’t have to be isolating or boring; you can thrive while you renew, and you are this month.
Mid-month, the excitement picks up for you, and you are feeling more energized than you have in a while. Mars moves into Capricorn until the end of January 2026, and you are being proactive with your goals, intentions, and passions. You are a force to be reckoned with this month, and you are making things happen for yourself with confidence. Capricorn Season officially begins on December 21 this year, and this is definitely speeding up your healing process. You are breaking free from what was, and with Venus also moving into Capricorn before the month ends, you are leaving this year in high spirits and with love opening a new door for you.
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleAQUARIUS
December is all about community, creativity, and manifestation, Aquarius. This is the month to work together with others to help bring your dreams to life. You are in a space of inspiration, empowerment, and beauty, and are creating more of this energy around you and in your world. Look out for what support comes your way this month and know that you don’t have to do everything alone to succeed. With the Sun in your 11th house of manifestation and friendship, your intentions are coming to fruition, and it’s time to celebrate with the people you love and to own how far you have come this year.
On December 19, we have a New Moon in Sagittarius, lighting up your life in all of the best ways possible. This is your New Moon of freedom, victory, and magic, and you are seeing new beginnings appear that you were once just hoping for. Before the month comes to an end, Venus moves into your 12th house of closure, and after an active and successful month, you are ready to relax, heal, and give your heart some of the attention it has been asking for. You are moving into the new year with the need to release and renew what hasn’t been working in your relationships, and you are finally ready to.
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecolePISCES
December is a big month for you, Pisces. You are making some huge accomplishments this month, and are feeling like everything you have been through this year has been worth it for these moments that are coming to fruition for you now. The Sun is in your 10th house of career and reputation for most of the month, and this is where a lot of your focus is right now. You are claiming your successes and putting yourself out there in ways that not only serve you, but that inspire others as well.
Neptune officially goes direct on December 10, after being retrograde in your sign since July, and you are finally seeing things a little more clearly. You are feeling renewed inspiration and passion in your life, and your intuition is your strongest asset right now. Before December comes to an end, we also have a New Moon in your 10th house of career, and what happens now not only changes things for you in the present, but it also opens new doors and what is possible for you in the new year as well. Overall, you are on top of your game this month and are owning the joy and empowerment you feel.
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Oh, but there are plenty of people whose egos have them thinking that they can read someone else’s mind. Then there are others who have fantasies, which create unrealistic expectations that others in their lives actually should read their mind. And you know what — both of these things can cause unnecessary stress, drama, and trauma, if folks aren’t careful.
And that’s why I think it’s important that we unpack this a bit more. Because if you’re someone who thinks that if another person truly cares for you, they should be able to read your mind, it’s time to let that ridiculous yet semi-popular notion absolutely and completely go.
Here’s why.
It’s Scientifically Impossible for Someone to Read Your Mind
There are a couple of reasons why I am starting this off with R&B singer Avant. For one thing, I don’t think that he gets nearly enough flowers and secondly, clearly, this is a more-than-fitting song for today’s topic, wouldn’t you say? Because, lawd, there really is something that makes some of us feel all warm ‘n fuzzy about the mere thought of a man telling us that he is so in tuned with us that he can basically read our mind.
Hmph. Problem with that is, as I said in the intro, it is scientifically impossible (for us and for AI to do, praise the Lord!). And yet the fact that so many individuals think that they defy scientific data and research is oftentimes why there are so many breakdowns in communication — because if you run on assumption (that you can read someone’s mind) without clarification and confirmation, you can create issues that didn’t exist before you decided to fall for your own mind-reading theories.
Now to be fair, while science is still trying to figure out why we can’t read minds, what is sure is that we do have the capability to perceive the thoughts and actions of others if we’re willing to pay really close attention. However, do keep in mind that reading and perceiving are different. Reading? It’s about being able "to apprehend or interpret the meaning of" and "to anticipate, expect, or calculate by observation." Perceiving? It’s all about “to become aware of, know, or identify by means of the senses” and “to recognize, discern, envision, or understand.”
And already, do you see the differences? So much certainty comes with reading while perceiving is about humbling oneself (bookmark that) to not try to know everything but instead to try and understand what is transpiring. And since no one person (or their mind) is ever truly static, that is a huge part of the reason why believing that you can read someone’s mind — no matter how close you may be to them — is futile. You can change your mind on a dime. Others can do the same. Learning to perceive what is going on instead of assuming that you can “read” folks is far more beneficial.
Besides, you might be surprised by a particular demo who thinks that if you are truly who they need you to be, you will read their minds — and boy, once you know who they are, that may cure you of the whole “read your mind” ish…quick, fast and in a hurry.
The Expectation Is Oftentimes Rooted in Egomania
GiphyWhile doing a bit of research on this topic, I thought it was interesting that a particular type of person kept coming up. Can you guess which one? A NARCISSIST. What I kept noticing is a telling sign of a narcissistic individual is they expect others to read their mind.
I must admit that I was caught off guard by that at first because narcissists and their damn egos are so out of control (bookmark that) that it would seem like they would be more focused on acting like they know the thoughts of other people. Here’s the thing, though — the reason why narcissists want others to read their mind is because they want you to do things like guess what they want and need before they ask — and they want that to happen because they believe that they are so damn special that you should put in the extra blood, sweat and tears to figure it all out. Hmph. Now that tracks.
Another reason why narcissists want you to be able to read their mind is so they can manipulate and deflect. Meaning, if you say and do things based on what you thought they wanted you to, should everything crash and burn, they can dodge accountability and blame you for it. Hmm, does reading someone’s mind seem romantic and beautiful now? SMDH.
And again, all of this is tied to ego because, at the end of the day, mind-reading is a form of control and narcissists are definitely very controlling people. And honestly, mind-reading is as well because why do you even want to know someone’s private thoughts before they share them and, at the same time, why would you want someone to have that kind of power in your life either? “Eww” is what immediately comes to my mind. “Yuck” is what follows.
So, why is it that so many people think that it’s a good thing to have someone read their mind — I mean, the ones who don’t show narcissistic tendencies, that is? Good question.
5 Reasons Why Some People Wish Someone Would/Could Read Their Mind
GiphyOkay, so ego and pridefulness aside, what would be some other reasons why people think that it’s such a wonderful thing if someone who they are in some sort of intimate relationship with can read their mind.
1. They are caught up in Disney and rom-coms. One day, I am going to do an article on all of the ways that Disney and rom-coms have destroyed the reality of relationships. For now, I’ll just say that the scripted tales of both have caused a lot of people to think that if someone loves them, they should be able to read their mind. Nooo…if someone loves you, they should care to know what is on your mind. And that brings me to the second point.
2. They aren’t as good at communicating as they think. Are you a good communicator? One way to know if you are is you’re able to clearly articulate your wants and needs — because really, if you are able to do that, why should anyone even need to read your mind? Feel me? Let’s move on.
3. They want someone else to work harder at their relationships than they do. I say it in my sessions often — it’s beyond crazy to think that someone should work harder at figuring out what your wants, needs and expectations are than you are willing to express them. Hmph. It makes me think of a friend of mine who says that “should” is a dangerous word. What she means by that is saying that someone should do or not do something simply because YOU THINK that’s how it “should” go is a surefire way to stay disappointed and even be disillusioned. No, your man shouldn’t just know what you want every year for your birthday. Did you state it? If not, why aren’t you playing fair? Who has time for all of the guessing games and then getting penalized if they guess wrong? Stop it.
4. They think it’s the sign of a healthy relationship (it isn’t). Anyone who knows me knows that I am always and forever going to be Team Healthy over Team Happy and my reason why never changes. Only children expect to live in a world where they are happy all of the time — and yes, there are a lot of childish people out here. People who want their mind read? They tend to live in happy land. Meanwhile, a healthy relationship knows that clear communication, mutual respect, keen listening, patience and understanding that humans make mistakes are foundational to its success.
5. They are lazy. And yes y’all, some people want others to read their mind because they are lazy and it really is just as simple as that. Thing is, while they are being passive aggressive, dropping hints or giving the silent treatment so that you can figure out whatever it is that they…want you to figure out, that tends to take more effort than simply speaking up. Ridiculous, chile.
How to Let the Myth Go
GiphyGee, after reading all of this, suddenly reading minds just seems like a lot of silliness with a sprinkle of drama and potential trauma, doesn’t it? And it’s all because some people choose to treat something that is a myth like it’s a bona fide fact. SMDH.
And what if you happen to be one of those individuals? How do you break free? COMMUNICATE. Openly, clearly and maturely share what’s on your mind and heart because, the true tell of a solid relationship isn’t that someone can read your mind; it’s that they can retain what you’ve already stated.
Less reading. More perceiving. That’s the secret sauce.
And when you accept this for what it is, you will realize that it’s far better for you, your partner and your relationship to stop expecting the impossible and to accept what is actual: that learning your partner, as they strive to do the same thing with you, is better than you both assuming that you know what…maybe you do, maybe you don’t.
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Author Frank Sonnenberg once said, “People can’t hear what you don’t say. Thinking isn’t communicating” — and I think this is a perfect place to bring all of this to a close.
Find the kind of relationship(s) where intention is so strong that mind-reading isn’t even desired.
At the end of the day, it really is as simple as that.
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