

The body keeps score! Trauma can have far-reaching effects on our physical, emotional, and mental health. One area that can be significantly impacted is our sex life. Trauma sticks with us. It lives inside us and our relationships, greatly interfering with our ability to experience pleasure on the deepest of levels. People who have gone through a traumatic experience sometimes can be left feeling emotionally drained and/or have difficulty establishing intimacy. They sometimes even lack a sense of self-worth or find it difficult to be affectionate with a partner.
To learn if your trauma is impacting your sexual relationships, here are some signs to look out for.
1. You avoid sex.
The first sign is a general lack of interest in sexual activity. You may find yourself avoiding or actively running away from any kind of intimacy, whether it be physical or emotional. This could be because you're feeling overwhelmed by the trauma or because you feel like it's not safe to open up emotionally. Either way, it's important to pay attention to what your body and mind are telling you so that you can address the root cause of this behavior.
2. You dissassociate.
When you don’t feel safe in your body, it blocks you from feeling the depths of your sensations. It is not uncommon for people living with trauma to feel disconnected from their bodies. During sex, the brain releases norepinephrine which is the same hormone that floods the brain when experiencing fear. In the case of trauma, your brain sometimes has trouble separating the normal release of this hormone during intimacy from a traumatic experience.
3. You have poor body image.
Trauma and body image issues have a complex relationship. Traumatic events can lead to body dysmorphia, which is an extreme preoccupation with one's physical appearance. People who have suffered from traumatic experiences may be more likely to develop negative thoughts and feelings about their bodies, leading to negative body image. Negative body image can also lead to depression and anxiety.
4. You experience painful sex.
Oftentimes, female trauma survivors suffer from gynecologic issues such as vaginismus, an involuntary contraction of the vaginal muscles during penetration. This condition is caused by violence, childbirth trauma, sexual assault, and emotional and/or psychological trauma. Whenever penetration is attempted, the vaginal muscles tighten up, causing extreme discomfort or pain.
5. You have difficulty maintaining intimacy.
Another sign that trauma is affecting your sex life is the difficulty in maintaining intimacy during sexual activities. This could manifest itself as difficulty staying aroused, difficulty sustaining an erection, difficulty getting into "the mood," or even difficulty communicating openly with a partner about what feels good or doesn't feel good physically and emotionally. All of these issues can point to underlying issues related to the trauma that needs to be addressed before they begin to interfere with relationship dynamics and overall well-being.
6. You have trust issues.
The lack of trust in a sexual partner can be problematic in a variety of ways due to past trauma. First, being vulnerable is unlikely to happen unless you have faith that the other person won't hurt you physically, mentally, or emotionally. Secondly, it is challenging enough to share your wants and needs without the perception that people are inherently dangerous or that sex leads to betrayal or harm. Sex can be disappointing, triggering, or unsatisfactory if trauma has taught you these things.
Trauma has a wide range of effects on our lives, including our sex lives. If any of these signs resonate with you, it's important to take time for introspection and practice self-care so that you can deal with your past experiences in healthy ways.
While the signs of sexual trauma can be difficult to identify, they can be diagnosed through counseling and therapy. Therapy For Black Girls has a wide network of licensed therapists and online resources that can help you get the help you need. Survivors can also contact their Crisis Text Line by texting the word TRIBE to 741741.
Healing takes time, but it can be done with the proper care and attention paid to our minds and bodies.
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Laterras R. Whitfield On What He Wants In A 'Future Wifey' & Redefining Masculinity
In this week's episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker chopped it up with Laterras R. Whitfield, host of the Dear Future Wifey podcast, for a raw and revealing conversation about personal growth, faith, and the search for love in a way that resonates.
Laterras Whitfield Believes Men Should Pursue, Not Persuade
“Let me know you exist, and I’ll do the rest”
Whitfield is a big advocate of a man’s role in going confidently for the woman he wants. “Men should pursue, not persuade, and women should present, not pursue,” he said. He’s open to meeting women on social media but isn’t a fan of bold approaches. “Don’t shoot your shot at me. … Let me know you exist, and I’ll do the rest.”
His ideal woman?
“She has to be a woman of God… I judge a woman by how her friends see her… and most importantly, how she treats my kids.”
Infidelity, Redemption, and the Power of Self-Control
“Being disciplined is the most beautiful thing you can offer”
Once unfaithful in his previous marriage, Whitfield has since transformed his perspective on masculinity. “Being disciplined is the most beautiful thing you can offer. That’s what true masculinity is to me now.” He has also committed to abstinence, choosing self-control as a defining trait of manhood.
Whitfield’s journey is one of redemption, purpose, and faith—something that speaks to women who value emotional intelligence, accountability, and the power of transformation.
Rewriting the Narrative Around Black Masculinity
What masculinity, legacy, and healing mean to Whitfield today
“My dad taught me what not to be [as a man] and my mom taught me what she needed [in a man],” Whitfield said. While his father wasn’t abusive, he wasn’t emotionally or affectionately present. “Since I didn’t see it, I never got it either… I would look at my dad and say, ‘I want to be a better father.’ ”
Adoption had always been on his spirit, influenced by TV shows like Different Strokes and Punky Brewster. This mindset led him to take in his nephew as his son after a powerful dream confirmed what he already felt in his heart.
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
Featured image by xoNecole/YouTube
10 Women Dish On How To Have An Easier Sisterlocks Journey
Not too long ago, I decided to binge-watch the series A House Divided while it’s on Tubi — and now that I’ve finally checked out every episode, I have three immediate takeaways. One, I don’t know why someone had to die damn never every episode (literally — LOL). Two, Paula Jai Parker really should get more acting gigs, and, for some reason, I want to see her and Tisha Campbell in a series together. And three, Demetria McKinney and Taja V. Simpson really are some beautifully sexy women.
Also, when it comes to Demetria, specifically, she almost had me wanting to get some sisterlocks. Almost.
What Are Sisterlocks?
Between the financial commitment and time, I don’t think it’s something that I will be doing any time soon. That doesn’t mean that I don’t find sisterlocks to be pretty close to stunning, though, which is why I was inspired to pen this article because, it’s all about women who have sisterlocks and what, via their own personal experience, they would advise to those who may be wanting some…but have questions.
The Pros and Cons of Getting Sisterlocks, According to 10 Women
So, if sisterlocks is something that you’ve been strongly considering as of late, these 10 women (plus a pro-sisterlocks post from Demetria’s Instagram page, see above) are gonna share with you what you should ponder about ‘em — just so you can make that kind of move with as much ease and as little regret as possible.
*I always use middle names in pieces like these, so that people can speak freely*
1. Nariah. “Locked” for Six Months.
“PLEASE INTERVIEW NO LESS THAN THREE CONSULTANTS and Shellie, please put that in all-caps! Just like it takes a minute to find the right partner or right therapist, same thing goes for a loc consultant because, if the energy is off, if they don’t respect your wishes or they don’t care about the maintenance of your hair, it ain’t gonna be good. I messed up because I first went with someone who had nice looks on her Instagram page, but her attitude was so nasty that I ended up wasting money and time with my first installation. It almost kept me from getting them altogether! I took my time to find the right fit and my consultant now is like family. I look forward to my retightening appointments and my hair is longer than it has ever been.”
2. Devin. “Locked” for Two Years.
“Have a damn budget! I don’t regret my sisterlocks one bit, but I will admit that I seriously underestimated the cost for upkeep. My installation was $600 which I didn’t mind because installing is the foundation and you want to get your locks right. But it’s important to get your retightening done no more than every eight weeks and that runs me $200 per visit. Do the math and I’m spending around $1,200 a year just to upkeep my locs, so if your money is already tight, sisterlocks is something that you might want to put a pin in until another time.”
Shellie here: If you want to read up on various costs of sisterlocks per state and what you are actually paying for, you can do so by clicking here.
3. Rochelle. “Locked” for Five Years.
“What I wasn’t prepared for is how careful I had to be with my locs. I mean that damn near everything was clinging to my locs, especially lint, and that was aggravating because it didn’t just mean that I had to tie my hair up at night but, to an extent, I had to watch what I wore as my locs got longer too. Definitely wrap your hair up in silk or satin at night and be careful wearing a lot of outfits that create lint. Go easy on your hair products too. Lighter ones seem to prevent lint build-up. Oh, and you can brush your sisterlocks if you do see lint. I prefer to use a wide-tooth comb, personally.”
Shellie here: For tips on how to properly brush your sisterlocks, check out the YouTube channel Still Nia Bia’s post “Brushing Your Locs/Sisterlocks.”
4. Kerenne. “Locked” for Four Years.
“You shouldn’t be out here styling your locs on your own by going ham with the shears or dyeing them without talking to your consultant first. I do recommend dusting your locs in between retightening appointments, though. Just because your hair is loc’d, that doesn’t mean you won’t have fairy knots and tangles and dusting your ends yourself can help to prevent both of those things.”
5. Ashley. “Locked” for Three Years.
“Sisterlocks aren’t like braids where you can just find someone who does them for fun and trust that your hair will look like you want it to. You really need to go to a certified consultant — someone who has been professionally trained. Girl, I tried to let a friend who does twists start mine and it was a hot ass mess! There is a special technique that comes with creating them, so find someone who knows how — and has a portfolio to show you before you get in their chair.”
Shellie here: You can find a professional sisterlocks consultant in your area by checking out the Sisterlocks website and going here.
6. Kristian. “Locked” for a Year.
“I have always been a product junkie. You can’t do that with sisterlocks, not in the beginning anyway, because if your hair stuff has a lot of oil in it, that can cause your locs to unravel. You also need to watch how much stuff you put on your scalp. You need to keep your scalp and hair moisturized but you need to avoid build-up too.”
Shellie here: A woman by the name of Latoya Jackson has a YouTube page with a post that’s all about what she does to properly moisturize her sisterlocks. You can check it out here. Oh and if, for whatever the reason, coconut oil isn’t your thing, Alisha Richard is another sisterlocks YouTuber who has some product recommendations for you here.
7. Oriah. “Locked” for Seven Years.
“Even though your locs will have you thinking that your hair is single strands, it’s not. If you just wash your hair like it was when you had relaxer, you are gonna get your feelings hurt. ‘Braiding and branding’ is the method that really is best because you need to keep your locs from slippage [coming apart] and you need to avoid tangles as much as possible too.”
Shellie here: If you’re like me and you’re more of a visual learner, check out the YouTuber Ifeyinwa and her post on how she washes what she calls her “microlocs” here.
8. Zeeyanne. “Locked” for a Year.
“When it’s time to freshen up my hair, I like to interlock. If you don’t know what that means, it’s when you use a tool to retie — or retighten — your locs. Since I do the edges of my hair on my own, interlocking gives me the results that I want. Just a tip in case you need some time in between appointments to stack your paper up.”
Shellie here: Although I personally think that it really is best to get your sisterlocks professionally done, there are women who are doing pretty well with going the DIY route. An example of someone who interlocks her own hair is a YouTuber whose channel is Life. Love. Locs. You can watch how she does it here. A few examples of interlocking tools that are available are located here, here and here.
9. Nykah. “Locked” for Six Years.
“I wish someone had prepped me for the initial six months. The installment took forever. I didn’t like how it looked on me for about three months because I had to adjust to all of the tiny parts [on my scalp] and there wasn’t a ton of length. I had to make financial sacrifices because once you start sisterlocks, you can’t really skimp on your retightening appointments — especially at the beginning. It’s almost like you need a therapist or life coach, just for sisterlocks…and I’m not exaggerating. I have no regrets now, but the adjustment period takes A LOT of adjusting.”
10. Paulette. “Locked” for 10 Years.
“Unless you are using extensions in your sisterlocks, your own hair is creating the style which means that you can weaken your locs by over-styling them. My hair is past my butt at this point and I directly connect that to consistent retightening appointments and leaving my locs alone. Find a couple of styles that you like and try not to switch them up more than a few times in between your appointments. If you want your sisterlocks to really flourish — keep your hands out of them! Do that and you’ll probably have longer hair than you’ve ever had before in your entire life!” Beautiful, sis. BEAUTIFUL.
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