This Is How You Know He's Waiting For YOU To Break Up With HIM
So, here's the deal. The reason why I've written articles on this platform like "10 Single Men Shared Some Thoughts They Wish Women Would Take At Face Value" and "10 Things Husbands Wish Their Wives Truly Understood" is because, while I do think that there is something to be said for women's intuition, I also totally agree with Aristotle when he once said that the excess of a virtue is a vice.
And in this particular case, what that basically boils down to is, just because we may be somewhat perceptive about men and what they may be thinking, that doesn't automatically make us right-on-the-dime mind readers nor should it cause us to arrogantly believe that we're always right about 'em. What was it that the master emcee (and my birthday twin) Kendrick Lamar once said? Sit down and be humble. Right?
That's why, when it comes to relationships and why a man does what he does (or doesn't do), I really prefer to discuss it with men who know rather than women who assume. And when it comes to the topic of why a lot of men, men who want to end a relationship, will wait until the woman initiates it, I asked a few fellas that I know to give me some insight. Ready?
Is He Trying To Get Me To Break Up With Him?
Reasons Why (Some) Guys Want Us to Break Up With Them
First, let me say that while a lot of women may want to chalk up a man waiting for us to do it to be cowardly and even cruel, after listening to some guys, I'm not sure it's as black and white as that.
When I asked one guy why he'd prefer a woman to end things he said, "Yeah, some women will say that it's the cowardly way out but usually, we know that a break-up is going to come with a lot of drama. We figure that if you end it, it'll cut that down by at least a third because you will feel like you had the upper hand in the situation which is fine by us—so long as things end peacefully."
Another man said, "For me, things have to be really bad for me to get to the point that I don't want to f—k with someone anymore. Sometimes, we don't want to 'break up' so much as we want things to simmer down. A lot of women don't seem to get that, though. Like, I may not be ready to move towards marriage, but can we still hang out? And no, that's not code for sex. I mean, literally hang out. You'd be amazed by how many women don't get that."
Still, another said, "When we pull back, that's usually a sign that wherever the pace is set, that's where we want it to stay. If a woman can't handle that and she needs to leave, then we let her do it because she's the one who is unhappy, not us."
While three guys certainly don't speak for every man on the planet, again, I preferred to hear about all of this directly from them than 20 self-help books that are authored by women. And after pondering all of what was shared, I dug a little deeper. You know what? Something that all three of the men agreed on is the fact that, if it does get to a point that a man, not so much wants the relationship to end altogether but is totally okay if it does, there are some pretty universal signs that we should look for as a clear heads up.
If you're curious about what those indicators are, from the mouths of those who carry the XY chromosome, this is what they had to say.
Signs He's Trying To Get You To Break Up With Him
1. The Communication Is Suddenly on a Surface Level
Boy, am I tired of women—especially Black women—who think taking shots at men—especially Black men—all day long is something to be proud of. One day I'll go deep on how the racists of this world relish in Black men and Black women not being unified; how they completely enjoy our toxic hot takes on how the other gender is nothing more than pure trash (SMDH). That's why I am intentional about making sure I don't sign on to resolves like "men are shallow" or "men are stupid". No, they're not. Men are different from us, yet a lot of them have plenty of depth; especially when they are feelin' someone and they want to get to know them better.
Matter of fact, I was recently talking to a semi-newly divorced man in my life who decided to step out into the online dating scene. Interestingly enough, one of his gripes was the women he was encountering seemed more interested in showing off their looks and talking about surface layer stuff when he wanted to know more about their goals and values. He said, "When I was in college, I didn't really care what the conversation entailed, but when you want something real, you don't want to waste your time on bulls—t."
His point is the point. When a man is trying to build with someone, he values his time with her differently; he wants to know who she really is and what truly makes her tick. On the other hand, if he's ready to end things (or he's fine with the relationship staying just where it is), he can stay on the not-very-deep level, basically because there are no plans for things to go anywhere beyond where they currently are anyway.
2. He Has Less Time for You (and the Relationship)
Those who know me know that I'm not big on the whole "men are hunters" thing. I am not a deer and I wouldn't want someone tracking me down like prey. From a biblical perspective, when you look at the first romantic relationship in the Bible, Adam wasn't a hunter; he was a gardener. He didn't chase his wife down either; she was brought to him by God (Genesis 2:18-25). So, all of this "a man has to kill himself to get my attention" mantra is ridiculous. To me. At the same time, what I will say is men tend to know what they want and what truly interests them, they will most certainly make time for. It's not about whether or not they have the time; again, it's about the fact that they will make it.
I don't care how many jobs he's got, how much traveling he does or how much is on his to-do list, if he's totally into you, he's gonna figure it out. For the record, him figuring it out may not always be in the same way or on the same schedule as you had in mind. Still, he will make sure to let you know that you are some type of priority in his life. If you're not feeling that he's doing just that…yeah, that's not good.
3. The Intimacy Is Waning
Remember how one of the guys that I spoke with said that sometimes a guy may want to pump the brakes and still hang out? And that spending time together doesn't have to involve sex? I agree with that; especially when it comes to men who are in their 30s and 40s. At the same time, when a man is truly into you, he's going to want some sort of intimacy. If his top love language is physical touch, he's going to want to snuggle up and/or hold hands. If the sex has been hot 'n heavy in times past, an abrupt stop is definitely a little weird. If the two of you have been spending the night and/or weekends together and that kind of time is becoming far and few between…that's pretty strange too.
While all relationships have seasons where the passion and desire may be a little hotter than others, there's no avoiding the fact that a sign of a thriving relationship is healthy intimacy while a sign of a dying relationship is a lack of it.
4. You Try and Plan the Future. He Doesn’t Want to Think Past Today.
This is a big one right here. Mature and ambitious men like to plan. It's simply who they are. They make professional plans. They make plans for how their Saturdays are gonna go. And, if they want you to be a part of their lives, they're gonna have plans for you as well. Note that I did not say that they are going to try and jump the broom in six months or less. At the same time, what I am saying is they will ask you what you are doing next weekend, they will talk about some upcoming event that they would like to take you to and, when it comes to relationship discussions (so long as they don't transpire every hour on the hour), they won't avoid those at all. They want to build with you, so they are interested in talking about what that looks like.
A guy who is okay with you ending things will try and avoid the future at all costs. Like, when you say something along the lines of, "So, what do you want to do for Valentine's Day?" (in January) and he says something like, "Hmm. Let's just wait and see", while that could mean that he's got a surprise for you, typically if that's the case, he will say something more like, "I've got that" vs. "Let's just see how things go". See the difference?
Nothing grows if it isn't moving forward. A guy who is more than cool with stagnation is someone who is 1) absolutely not putting you on his agenda (not long-term anyway) and 2) fine with winging it until you get the hint.
5. He’s Become the Walking Definition of Passive Aggressive
When I asked the three men who I spoke with to tell me a sign that a man really is getting tired of a relationship, something else that they all mentioned is it's fairly common for a man to become hyper-sensitive. One of the fellas stated, "A lot of us don't look out of the window, pining away at why we're not feeling someone anymore. Sometimes we just are or aren't. But if we're not, we'll start to get irritated; even about the smallest of things." And what that can translate into being is passive-aggressive AF.
Suddenly, whatever you say or do is starting to get under his skin. Sometimes, he might even gaslight you by making you think that the very things that you've always done are suddenly driving him completely up the wall. No one should have to walk on eggshells in a relationship. If you are feeling like you aren't able to fully exhale and be yourself in your relationship, this could be another indication that he's waiting for you to get fed up enough to bounce.
6. You Clicked on This Article Fast AF
While I totally get that some people read articles, simply out of curiosity, oftentimes, when it comes to content like this, it's their subconscious telling them that something just ain't right. Because really—if everything was so awesome in your relationship, why would you be turning your monitor around at work so that no one can tell that you're reading things right now? Exactly.
Look, I'm not saying that all of this means that you need to rush home and break things off. What I am putting on record is two mature individuals should be able to discuss an article like this in order to see where they stand. If you forward this to your guy and you get "crickets", that's another sign that shouldn't be ignored because a man who wants to be in a relationship would be more in the lane of "What did you send me this for?"
In a perfect world, all of us would be upfront and candid. That's just not the way that it is. And since time is oh so very precious, I just thought you should know why some men do what they do and what signs to look out for in the break-up department…so that you won't waste any more moments telling yourself that you don't see what you know that you do. If you see the flags, don't deny them. Don't wait any longer, sis. Handle it.Featured image by Shutterstock
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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The Power Of Your Big 3: Understanding The Astrological Significance You Hold
Explore your sign’s 2024 horoscope predictions to learn what is in store for you this year in love, career, and more. Check out the love compatibility of each sign to learn more about zodiac pairings and all things compatibility.
Astrology has become even more mainstream and a phenomenon than it ever has in the past. We have gone beyond the, “What’s your sign?” and have moved into “What’s your big 3?” seemingly overnight, and rightly so due to the significance of knowing these important details. Your Big 3 in Astrology represents your sun sign, your moon sign, and your rising sign.
This trifecta is thought to be one of the most significant details of your birth chart and gives you and others more of a full-picture look at who you are beyond just your sun sign.
What Does Your Big 3 In Astrology Say About You?
Knowing your big 3 is important, especially if you are someone who has never really resonated with your sun sign. You read about what it means to be an Aries, but may not align with what you see or your experience with other Aries. Meanwhile, the whole time, you have a Libra rising, the complete opposite sign of Aries, and this is why you have always seen yourself as a more laid-back and less confrontational Aries.
Elements hold a key role in your birth chart and having a big 3 where the elements are all compatible or the same often signifies someone who knows who they are and is comfortable in their skin. Whereas someone with a different element for each part of their big 3 may have challenges with identity or defining who they are or how they want to present themselves. It’s a different type of perspective when looking into your big 3, and it helps you see where your strengths and needs are in life, and how to tap more into this potential.
Your Big 3 In Astrology Explained
Your big 3 can help you navigate life by understanding which part of you comes out more in different circumstances. At home, you are most like your moon sign, when you are out and about, you are most like your rising sign. Whether you are at home or out and about, your goals, purpose, and interests are most like your sun sign.
You can find out what your big 3 is by looking up a ‘Birth Chart Calculator’ on your search engine, typing in your birthday details (you will need to know your birth date, location, and the exact time you were born), and generating your birth chart.
Read below for your sun, moon, and rising signs.
YOUR SUN SIGN
Your sun sign represents the core of you and what motivates you to shine and be your best self. This is your personality, goals, purpose, identity, ego, interests, direction, and where you light up in life.
FIRE SUN (Aries Sun, Leo Sun, Sagittarius Sun)
If you are an Aries sun, a Leo sun, or a Sagittarius sun, you are outgoing, confident, fearless, and in tune with yourself and your personal goals and desires in life. You go after the things you want, and you are not afraid to take up space. You are someone who prefers to be more independent, and you are often in more leadership roles in life.
EARTH SUN (Taurus Sun, Virgo Sun, Capricorn Sun)
If you are a Taurus sun, a Virgo sun, or a Capricorn sun, you are grounded, dependable, loyal, hard-working, and logical. You prefer the finer things in life but also work hard to get where you are. You are someone others feel they can rely on, and you are often a support for other people in your life. You are very connected to the material sides of life, and have a gift for manifesting.
AIR SUN (Gemini Sun, Libra Sun, Aquarius Sun)
If you are a Gemini sun, a Libra sun, or an Aquarius sun, you are light-hearted, free-flowing, intelligent, and communicative. You speak what is on your mind, and you love to connect and communicate with others. People know you for the things you say and your out-of-the-box ideas, and you are someone who is open-minded and provides a safe space for people to be authentically themselves.
WATER SUN (Cancer Sun, Scorpio Sun, Pisces Sun)
If you are a Cancer sun, a Scorpio sun, or a Pisces sun, you are thoughtful, generous, emotional, loving, and compassionate. You care deeply about the people you love, and you are always there for others. You may be more emotional than most, and this is due to your strong intuition and open heart. You are creative, inspiring, and motivated towards connection in life.
YOUR MOON SIGN
Your moon sign represents your emotions. This is the way you express yourself emotionally, how you process your emotions, what you need in love, what makes you feel safe and nurtured, your desires, intuition, your inner world, and what’s going on beneath the surface.
FIRE MOON (Aries Moon, Leo Moon, Sagittarius Moon)
If you are an Aries moon, a Leo moon, or a Sagittarius moon, you are someone who is not afraid to communicate your emotions or how you are feeling, and you can feel your emotions from a mile away. You are confident in yourself and are someone who stands up for what you feel is right. You have a strong need to be seen and heard in your relationships, and a certain type of understanding is needed for you to emotionally thrive. You may have some challenges with anger or high energy and are working through emotional impulses in this lifetime.
EARTH MOON (Taurus Moon, Virgo Moon, Capricorn Moon)
If you are a Taurus moon, a Virgo moon, or a Capricorn moon, you are someone who is emotionally grounded, safe, comforting, and logical. You aren’t overly emotional and may not show your emotions to people much at all, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have them. You think before you speak, and you process your emotions before acting on them, and you tend to be more down-to-earth and understanding when it comes to other people’s emotional worlds as well. You are someone people go to when they need someone to talk to you as you are a very good listener.
AIR MOON (Gemini Moon, Libra Moon, Aquarius Moon)
If you are a Gemini moon, a Libra moon, or an Aquarius moon, you are someone who is fun, outgoing, and emotionally open-minded. You don’t like heavy emotions or too much emotional drama, and you tend to be more go-with-the-flow in this area of your life. Good conversation and mutual understanding are very important to you in your relationships and you want funny banter and inspiration in your connections with others.
WATER MOON (Cancer Moon, Scorpio Moon, Pisces Moon)
If you are a Cancer moon, a Scorpio moon, or a Pisces moon, you are someone who lives by their heart and values your emotional world deeply. You crave a deep type of intimacy in your partnerships and you need a partner who is going to give you that type of emotional connection. You are more private with your emotional world and you tend to hold a lot in, but this can often lead to sudden outbursts as well. Overall, you are the definition of emotion and others learn a lot from you on what it means to love and to feel.
YOUR ASCENDANT (RISING SIGN)
Your ascendant sign represents your perception and the energy you put out into the world. This is the way you come across to others, the way you express yourself, your physical traits and aesthetics, how you manifest, society, and what you expect from the world around you.
FIRE ASCENDANT (Aries Rising, Leo Rising, Sagittarius Rising)
If you are an Aries rising, a Leo rising, or a Sagittarius rising, you come across to others as confident, bold, and stylish. You are known for the way you look or the way you present yourself, and you are usually adorned in bright colors or wearing something that others take a lot of notice of. You are someone who walks into a room, and all eyes are on you, and you love that. You want to be on the move and on the go, and you love to show up in the world exactly as you are today. You see the world with a lot of possibilities and like it's yours to have fun and enjoy yourself in.
EARTH ASCENDANT (Taurus Rising, Virgo Rising, Capricorn Rising)
If you are a Taurus rising, a Virgo rising, or a Capricorn rising, you come across to others as responsible, beautiful, natural, and dependable. You are a hard worker, and you may be known for your career or the work that you do. You are someone who walks into a room and people feel an immediate sense of comfort and like you are someone they can trust. You have strong values and goals, and you are someone who knows what they want. People love to be around your down-to-earth energy, and you make others feel safe and grounded.
AIR ASCENDANT (Gemini Rising, Libra Rising, Aquarius Rising)
If you are a Gemini rising, a Libra rising, or an Aquarius rising, you come across to others as outgoing, friendly, and talkative. You see the world as a place to learn, connect, and be inspired, and you are on a quest for knowledge and understanding. You connect with people from all walks of life, and you tend to have a pretty open-minded and unique friend group. You care a lot about your style and aesthetic and always strive to be authentically you wherever you are. You can talk to people for hours and are often meeting new people and making new friends wherever you go.
WATER ASCENDANT (Cancer Rising, Scorpio Rising, Pisces Rising)
If you are a Cancer rising, a Scorpio rising, or a Pisces rising, you navigate life through the lens of your emotions, and you are deeply connected to the undercurrents of life. You are ruled by your emotions, and this side of you is not something you can keep hidden away easily. You get emotional when you think about society and others at large, and you want to be known for the kind and sincere person you are. When you walk into a room, you feel other people's energy right away and are highly empathic and intuitive.
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Featured image by We Are/Getty Images