Key Questions to Ask Yourself About Your Partner

1. Do We Truly Want the Same Things?

I definitely think that one of the biggest mistakes dating couples make is thinking that just because they deeply care for each other or even love one another, they believe that those feelings must mean that they are meant to be together. Listen, some of my male friends? I brag on them every chance I get. They’re attractive, spiritual, smart, and make really good money…hands down, some of my favorite folks — and yes, it never fails that I am asked why I don’t see them as options. One of the main reasons?

We are close enough for me to know that we ultimately don’t want the same things out of life — so, why try and “make us gel” when our life plans are different in so many ways…when I already know that, as friends, we support each other’s goals beautifully, yet what’s required as a partner? We would fail, semi-miserably, because we do not complement one another on that level.

So yes, the first question that you and your man need to ask each other — and please be prepared for the answer either way — is if you both indeed do want the same things out of life: Marriage? Yes or no. Kids? Yes or no. A traditional home? Yes or no? Are you on the same page spiritually and financially when it comes to how you prioritize family and friends? Are you sexually compatible (even if the two of you choose to wait to have sex, there are definitely things that you can find out in a conversation)? Do your relational needs “sync up”? Do you have similar interests when it comes to spending quality time, travel, and social activities?

I truly could go on and on, yet I think you get the gist. Again, loving someone is one thing — knowing that you want the same things? That is oftentimes another matter entirely different.

2. Is the Passion Strong?

Recently, while talking to a client of mine about why she and her now ex-husband did not go the distance, she brought up, yet again (because she is on-repeat when it comes to this topic), how lust was not really present in their dynamic — and how she needs it to be in her relationships moving forward. Even though she’s not a Christian, she was raised in that faith, and so I said, “Why do you think that the Bible is not fond of lust?” (and it’s not — I John 2:16). She didn’t have an answer, and so I said, “It’s because, by definition, something that lacks self-control and you never should desire something that you can’t bring balance to. That’s why I’m a bigger fan of the word ‘passion.'”

Even though passion can be associated with sex, when it comes to this question, I’m encouraging you to go beyond that. Past the bedroom, do you have a deep desire for each other (because I’ve been in situations where I convinced myself that I was into someone more than I actually was)?

Are you both enthusiastic about being in each other’s space and the potential of where the relationship is headed? Do you like each other…A LOT? Is there plenty of affection between the two of you? Do you bring each other joy (yep, joy is a synonym for passion)? Do you almost crave spending time together (not in a clingy or obsessive way; however, are you BOTH intentional about cultivating quality time)?

Look, is love important in a relationship? Sure, it is. However, if you and your partner are lacking passion, that love can turn into friendship real quick. Passion is something that takes a relationship to a whole ‘nother level, in every room of a home — and everyone deserves to be with someone who is truly passionate about them.

3. Do We “Trigger” Each Other or Bring Each Other Serenity?

I’ve got a male friend right now who is in quite the bind because he’s engaged to someone who he loves on a deep and profound level; the problem is, they trigger each other like nobody’s business. I mean to the point where, if I didn’t know their backstory, sometimes I would wonder if they were even friends, not just based on the things that they argue about but how they argue with one another. I know enough about both of their histories to get that a part of the issue is she speaks in a harsh tone and can be very dismissive, and because it’s like a lot of the women who raised my friend during his childhood, it really gets to him.

On her end, because she’s been a single mom all of her life, she can be very defensive about his insights because she’s never really known how to “loosen the reins” and allow a man to provide leadership in some areas. Yep, as one of my favorite sayings goes, “adulthood is surviving childhood” and sometimes, people come into our lives to show us where we are hurt/harmed, unhealed, and need therapy. Real talk.

Anyway, whenever he comes to me about how he should handle certain matters, one of the things that I share with him is you don’t want to sign up for a life where you are triggered in your own house on a constant basis. Y’all, if there is any place where you should be able to find and provide peace, tranquility, calm — it’s at home. Unfortunately, that is going to be hard to do if you and your partner know each other’s buttons and are constantly pushing on them.

That said, if you know that your partner triggers you and it’s not really about them but some stuff that you need to deal with internally, even if you don’t break up, I definitely advise “pushing pause” on moving forward in your relationship until you are able to get some professional help. However, if after reading all of this, you see that the source of a lot of your frustration is things that your significant other says and/or does, you need to bring it up, and be open to if they feel the same way about you — and then you both need to decide if there are compromises that can be made or if you simply are not each other’s source of peace — so that you can separate…peacefully.

4. Are We Evolving Together?

Evolving is about gradually growing — so, I already hope you caught that if you’re impatient or you’re with someone who is, that’s another reason to pump the brakes on your relationship because being with someone who is a constant source of stress and pressure, mostly because they want to see things happen in their way and timing, that ultimately isn’t going to be good for either one of you. At the same time, though, there will be plenty of times in life when you and your man will hit a fork in the road when it comes to decisions that need to be made, and going left or right, together or apart, will determine if you are truly evolving together…or not.

What do I mean? Say that you’ve been dating someone for about two years now, and you get a promotion that requires you to move to another city — that would be called a “fork in the road.” Long-distance relationships? Well, statistics say that the average shelf life of them is somewhere around five months, and the success rate hovers around something like almost 60 percent. So, do you and your partner want to attempt that? Or is it time to make some real decisions about where the two of you are headed? Is it time to get engaged? And if not, why not?

Because if marriage isn’t on the menu, does that mean that you both want to eternally date? If one of you does desire a spouse (and possibly children), staying together without a plan ultimately only wastes time. Why do I say that? Because if you’re just staying together without any real future and then you meet someone else who does want what you do, if they know their value (and they operate with a good amount of common sense), they aren’t going to want to try and start up something serious with an individual who still has emotionally “webs” with someone else.

And so yes, if there are some forks in the road right now between you and your man, you’ve got to figure out if you are going to evolve together or if it’s time to grow…apart.

5. Would We Be Better Off As Individuals…Apart?

Speaking of growing apart, this one really could be an article all on its own because, while people are out here looking for someone who will make them “happier,” I wish that they would focus on finding someone who will make them better — and yes, there is a difference.

An example that I constantly use to illustrate this point is although working out on a constant basis, without question, makes you BETTER — you may not always be HAPPY about doing it. Because this isn’t discussed enough, sadly, some people either ditch relationships faster than they should because they put being happy over being better, or they remain in a relationship well past its time and purpose, and it’s all because they don’t ask themselves if they are becoming a better individual as a direct result of being with their current “person.”

And what if you’re currently so emotionally attached to someone that you don’t know how to self-evaluate when it comes to this point?

How has your spiritual growth been since being in your relationship? Has it gotten better or worse? How have you been doing mentally and emotionally? Are you getting better or worse? Your purpose and its evolution? Since your relationship, have you seen progress or…not so much? Your self-awareness, maturity, and accountability levels? Are they elevating or nah? Are you more financially responsible? Are you professionally flourishing? Your physical (and sexual) health and well-being? Can you say that everything is thriving, or is it stagnating or on the decline?

If you get nothing else out of this article, I hope you truly hear me when I say that if you can’t clearly articulate how being with your partner has made you a better person — not just made you “feel good” but you have clear examples of how you have grown and developed — you really should do some soul-searching on whether it’s time to call it quits. Life is too short, and time is far too precious to share your world with someone who really isn’t helping you to be better…especially if, instead, they honestly are only making matters…worse.

6. Are We Trying Too Hard to Make This Thing Work?

Remember the engaged guy who I mentioned earlier?

Y’all, in my opinion, it truly can’t be said enough that we really need to stop “dating like we’re married” because it “programs” us into thinking that we owe a boyfriend the same kind of commitment level that we do a husband — and as controversial as it might be for some folks to hear these days, that simply IS NOT the case.

Dating is about seeing if someone “fits the bill” when it comes to becoming a spouse or long-term partner; however, while dating, no vows are taken, and no paperwork has been signed…in other words, until you are married, you don’t have to consider them in the way that you would if you were married to them.

When you are single in the way that the Bible and IRS state (there are no boyfriends and girlfriends in Scripture or on tax forms), YOU ARE YOUR TOP PRIORITY, which means that it’s okay to be unapologetic about choosing what really works best for you.

This isn’t about not being flexible or compromising — in any relationship, that is required. This is about, well, if there is always a problem, you are constantly feeling like you are toiling, if it always seems like there is some drama or trauma going on…at the end of the day, if it seems like it’s just too hard to make the relationship work, what’s the point in staying in it?

Sis, even if all of what I just said isn’t a bright red flag, it’s most definitely a dark yellow or deep orange one because “your fit” won’t consistently stretch out your bandwidth — he will pour into your cup more than drain it (as you do the very same thing for him…that is key!).

____

A wise person once said, “Be picky about who you invest your time in because wasted time is worse than wasted money,” and that’s because you can’t ever get time back (check out “Love Is Patient. But Is Your Relationship Just Wasting Your Time?” and “Are You Wasting Your Time With 'Expiration Dating'?”).

So, if you and your partner truly care about each other, before January 1 arrives, do some relational inventory to see if you’re ultimately helping or harming one another. Because hear me when I say that it’s ALWAYS best to let a relationship go so that you can get to who is actually best for you rather than to selfishly hold on to who you know is…not.

A harsh truth…a real one, though. TRULY.

Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.