Before the world was introduced to Serayah’s coquettish on-screen persona Tiana Brown on Fox’s megahit show, Empire, the actress/R&B singer was at a crossroads. She and her mother (now manager) experienced a season of homelessness that served as the precipice of her realizing her dreams. “You can get weary and feel like giving up, but I had no lower to go,” Serayah tells xoNecole exclusively. “I could only go up [from there]. I decided within myself that this was not going to be [my] life anymore.”
When the opportunity came for her to audition for Empire, Serayah knew that it was now or never. And as fate would have it, landing the breakout role on the show would not only allow her to overcome her hardships but serve as the catalyst to manifesting her dreams of making it in the entertainment industry and penning her perspective into her art.
Serayah, best describes her six-season run on Empire as, “super cool, glamorous college.” After her six-year run on the show, Serayah decided to mark “the end of an era” with a bold, platinum blonde pixie cut, shedding her girlish charm in favor of fully embodying the multi-hyphenate woman she’s becoming.
Sterling Gold
Breaking out as an R&B songstress meant tapping into who Serayah, the artist, declared herself to be. In her highly-anticipated new single, "P.O.V.," Serayah invites her fans and listeners into her real life, to show that even the most challenging experiences can be an opportunity for growth and refined perspective. From shifts within her inner circle, her blooming love life, and everyday challenges of being a public figure, "P.O.V." is the essence of Serayah’s journey through her words, in her way.
“Music has helped me [find perspective] before. I always want to be true to the narrative in the space that I'm in; it’s the transparency through music. I'm not necessarily chasing a sound or chasing a social media platform. I want art to imitate life,” she tells xoNecole. “That’s why I love R&B, blues, and jazz because it was always authentic to what was going on in that time and era. I want to continue to push that side of music that really encapsulates a time and a space. I want my music to feel like that.”
"I'm not necessarily chasing a sound or chasing a social media platform. I want art to imitate life."
Serayah is creating from a space that is true to her intuition by living and learning through trial and error. While she’s flattered to be “#goals” to her fans, what she hopes to get across through her music is that she’s just figuring it out. “I want people to know where I come from and to know my struggles. I want to be an example for those who admire me, but I don’t want them to think that all things that glitter are gold.” She continues, “The prettiest, most expensive diamonds had to go through pressure. It’s okay to have ups and downs, I want to be a realistic role model.”
Allow this to be your re-introduction to Serayah.
xoNecole: What does your new single "P.O.V." mean to you as it relates to the direction you look to take musically?
Serayah: When I recorded the record, I always knew that it would have to be a part of a body of work — an EP or an album — because it's such a story and I just feel like a lot of people can relate to what I'm talking about. "P.O.V." encapsulates my early life, about struggling, finally getting a piece of success, and earning money I've never had before. My friends are changing, I’m losing friendships, some of my family members are acting weird now; it's like success brings different things out of the circle of people around you. And obviously, also my romantic feelings. "P.O.V." is the point of view of early life up until like 21 [years old]. I used this time to leave everything there and I'm moving past it.
xoNecole: Sometimes when it comes to new artists, the first debut project can come with some pressures. Have you had any hesitations about releasing new music and how do you overcome those feelings?
S: Oh my God, yes! I’ve had this song for like two years. Maybe three? I mean, we're artists and we're sensitive. It's literally the most vulnerable thing you can do is say, ‘hey, here's what I think is cool, this is what I put all my emotions into, and I hope you guys like it.’ It's nerve-racking. But I think for me, it's just, like, making sure that I'm 100% into it. I've overthought some records before but I'm putting those out now; I’m past that. I’m sure there'll be another project or another single where I'm overthinking it as well. I just feel like it's a part of the creative process; you may overthink sometimes.
Sterling Gold
xoNecole: You and your boo, Jacob Latimore, have been together for some years now, and the girls want to know, what's the secret? What do you think has been the key component to having a thriving relationship?
S: No secrets, sis! I just really think that things should be extremely simple. I feel like, dating, in general, is a little complicated, but then you add on social media and add on [the fact that] you're celebrities, and it makes it a little more complicated if you let it. [Jacob and I] have had our moments. We talk about everything; how we feel and we're completely transparent. He's so open in that way. He's very warm and nurturing to where he wants to know what's going on with me and how I'm feeling throughout the day, and I appreciate that. That creates a connection to be able to get through things that maybe if I wasn't comfortable, we wouldn't be able to get through it.
And so I think the secret would just be to be transparent and sensitive with each other because we all come from somewhere; we all have triggers and pasts. We have to build up respect for each other, especially as Black men and women. We have to respect each other and be just a little bit more gentle with each other. There's a lot of trauma going on, and you have to understand what that is and everything that plays into it. As you can see, if I'm serious with someone, I'm going into it with everything. Just keep it 100% with each other at all times.
xoNecole: How have you grown in your relationship?
S: It's so important when you are in love or in a relationship with another person that you prioritize your self-love because how you feel about yourself, your life, and your career reflects on you and will bleed into your relationships and how you view them. I've learned to just have self-reflecting moments instead of reacting; if there's something that bothers me, I don't need to say it as soon as it happens, I can take a second, a day, or an hour, and reflect on it myself. Is it me? How am I interpreting the situation and how can I talk to [my partner] without being angry or something? It's helped me just be able to communicate more efficiently and in a healthier way. Communication's everything.
Especially for [me and Jacob]; I haven't seen him in a month. So we have to communicate, we don't have the lifestyle to where we're always gonna just be around each other. We should give our men their flowers too. There’s this big thing going on that says, ‘He needs to buy me Birkins, he needs to buy me this and I'm in the club singing it too, don't get it twisted.' But I really feel like the gem is to celebrate our men and make them feel wanted and appreciated and that they're doing good. They're changing the trajectory for Black men in general. It's just so important for us to think about the overall picture when we talk about Black love.
"It's so important when you are in love or in a relationship with another person that you prioritize your self-love because how you feel about yourself, your life, and your career reflects on you and will bleed into your relationships and how you view them."
xoNecole: You’ve had a lot of rapid growth and life transitions over the years, what advice would you give to someone who’s learning to adjust to a new chapter in their life?
S: I would say: be humble, not modest. Being humble is a great thing and humility goes a long way, apart from being grateful. So when you’re in that transition, bring your confidence and attack your goals head-on. Big places and big blessings are always going to be uncomfortable, the more that you want [in life], the more you’re going to be uncomfortable. As long as you know that you’re never in a place you’re not ready to be in, don’t even worry about the small things. Just focus on the bigger picture and it will all work out.
For more of Serayah, follow her on Instagram @serayah. Her new single, "P.O.V." is now streaming.
Featured image by Sterling Gold
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Thinking about them kinda-sorta inspired this piece because they caused me to reflect on the times when some of my clients have come to me, semi-freaking out, and it was because their thoughts about someone had gone beyond “Hey, she’s pretty” or “Hey, he looks good.” Instead, they were starting to fantasize about certain folks, and they weren’t sure what to do about it, especially when some of those fantasies were transpiring while they were engaging in sex with someone else.
You know, it’s been reported that somewhere around 50 percent of people do indeed have fantasies about other people while having sex with another person. And that is definitely a high enough number to tackle some things about the topic here.
If you’re someone who fantasizes about other individuals, especially sexually, here’s some intel into why that could be the case, along with when it gets to the point and place where you might want to consider actually doing something about it.
What’s a Fantasy and What Exactly Causes Them?
GiphyWhenever you think of the word “fantasy,” what immediately comes to your mind?
Personally, what I find to be interesting is the fact that the dictionary says that there are actually a lot of things that can be considered a fantasy: your imagination, hallucinations, visions, ingenious inventions, illusions — I mean, there is even a genre of fiction that falls into the fantasy category. However, when it comes to what we’re going to discuss today, a psychological term for fantasy is “an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.”
And yes, before we get to the end of all of this, that definition is going to answer quite a few questions as it pertains to the topic of this particular piece. But first, more about the origin story of fantasies.
Apparently famed neurologist, Sigmund Freud spent some time analyzing fantasies and came to the conclusion that, more than anything else, a fantasy represents something that is either a suppressed urge or desire and when you stop to think about what you imagine, what your visions are, what you may long to invent — that certainly tracks. However, something that you should also keep in mind about fantasies is that, oftentimes, they are rooted in few boundaries and can even go well beyond what is considered to be reality (which is something that is based on facts and truth).
Oh, something else that needs to be kept in mind about fantasies is that they are typically relied on as a mental form of escape from something or someone (bookmark that).
And now that fantasies are more clearly defined, if your immediate question is, “Is it wrong to fantasize?” — no, I certainly don’t think that. What I do believe, based on what a fantasy is, though, is if you are fantasizing a lot about a particular person, place, thing or idea, it would be a good idea to ponder why that is the case — why is that a suppressed desire for you, why are you using that as a mental escape and perhaps, the most important question of all, does your fantasy come with any limits?
Now let’s build on top of this…
Now What Causes Folks to Fantasize About Other People?
GiphyAs I was doing more research on the topic of fantasies, I came across an article entitled, “What Happens In Our Brains When We Fantasize About Someone.” The author of it started the piece out by talking about a cool connection that she made with someone on a plane, only for her to find herself fantasizing about him once they parted ways. As she went deeper into her story, she mentioned a word that definitely needs to be shared here: heuristics.
If you’re not familiar with it, heuristics is simply a mental shortcut. For instance, if you find yourself needing to make a quick decision (check out “Before You Make A Life-Altering Decision, Read This.”), you may rely on heuristics to do it (even if it’s subconsciously). The challenge with that is oftentimes heuristics will only provide you with a limited amount of data and information, and relying only on that could cause you to not make the best choice, if you’re not careful. And boy, when heuristics jump into your fantasy space — well, something that immediately comes to my mind is celebrity culture.
Ain’t it wild how people will be on social media, speaking so confidently, about someone—or someone’s relationship—as if they personally know them (when they absolutely don’t)? I mean, just because someone is attractive or you’ve seen them carry themselves well in an interview or two, that doesn’t automatically mean that they are the ideal person or that they are someone to set your own dating standards by. If you’re not careful, though, heuristics and fantasies may encourage you to think otherwise.
That’s because the combo will try and get your brain to jump to all sorts of conclusions and, if you don’t keep that in check, it could result in you making premature, counterproductive, or even straight-up reckless decisions — because remember, a fantasy tends to be about suppressing an urge or desire.
Honestly, whether you are in a relationship or not, if you are fantasizing about a particular individual, understanding why you are doing that should definitely be explored.
However, if you are with someone and you’re fantasizing about someone else, you really shouldn’t ignore what is transpiring because, although by definition, there’s a good chance that whatever and whomever you are fantasizing about will never come to pass, the fact that it’s taking up some of your mental and emotional space, that needs to be acknowledged. Because if there is something that you want or need, and you seem to believe that your fantasies are better at supplying that for you than the reality of your relationship, why is that?
Let’s keep going…
What Does (or Could) It Mean If You Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex?
GiphyIt’s pretty common that a random song will come to mind whenever I’m writing an article. Today? It was Guy’s “My Fantasy.” Then a sitcom did — King of Queens, and the episode when Doug and Carrie were talking about his sexual fantasies. The song is about images that the fellas randomly have about beautiful women. The episode was about Carrie wanting to dictate to Doug what and whom he could fantasize about because some of his sexual fantasies made her feel uncomfortable or intimidated.
And both of these are a pretty solid intro into whether there is something wrong with sexually fantasizing about someone, especially while having sex with someone else. Well, before getting into all of that, I think another article that I read on the topic brings up a pretty good point — that it’s important to think about where your fantasies are coming from: your imagination, things you see on social media, porn that you may have watched, people who you actually know…and if it’s the latter, is it someone from your past or someone from your present?
Yeah, knowing the source of your fantasies can definitely help you to understand how “deep” into your fantasies you might be.
What I mean by that is, seeing a beautiful man one time and randomly thinking about what it would be like to have sex with him on some beach vacation is quite different than constantly thinking about your ex, the sex you used to have with him and then fantasizing about it For one thing, the beautiful guy, you will probably never have access to. That ex, though? Well, at the very least, that is a bit more realistic, right?
Then there’s the fact that, again, a fantasy is a suppressed urge or desire. When it comes to the beautiful man, is it his looks that you long for, or is it something deeper? And that ex of yours? Lawd, now why, when you have your own man in your own bed, is your ex “scratching some sort of itch”? Because we all know what they say — “he’s your ex for a reason,” so why is he creeping up into your intimacy space now that the relationship is over? Is something unresolved?
Are there sexual needs that he met that your current partner isn’t (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”)? Is something currently transpiring in your current relationship that you are using fantasies about your ex to escape from?
You see, although when it comes to the topic of fantasizing about others when you’re having sex with someone else might seem like the a cut-and-dried, “Don’t do it, end of discussion” — as someone who works with couples for a living, I think the bigger concern isn’t if another guy comes into your mind during sex with your partner…it’s more about WHY is that happening to begin with. Because if you need to escape from where you are, if you can’t be present with your partner, something is definitely up.
When Should You Be Concerned About the Fantasies You Are Having?
GiphyDuring the last several months of breaking up (because we all know that sometimes breaking up is a process) with the last boyfriend whom I will have in this lifetime, I recall fantasizing about other people while having sex with him. It’s because I really wasn’t attracted to or interested in him, sexually, anymore — but I was a bit fearful of what it would mean to let the entire relationship go.
And boy, is that a huge red flag because I wasn’t fantasizing about some random famous person one time during sex — I was relying on images, my imagination, and previous experiences with other people to literally get me through the act. NOT. GOOD.
Y’all, one of the greatest and most profound forms of communication and connection between two people is sexual intimacy, and so, when it transpires, it really should only be about the two of them. That said, should you freak out over a thought about someone who creeps up into your mind every once in a while? Chile, more people have that happen than they will ever admit out loud.
On the other hand, should you worry if you’re like I was? I’ll put it this way — you should definitely be concerned because the last thing that you should be feeling during sex with someone is like you are suppressing what you need and/or that you want to escape from the moments that you are experiencing with them.
And yet, if that is indeed the case, though, what should you do?
Start with doing some sex journaling. Write down your fantasies, the sources of them, and why you are leaning on them in this season (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”). If they are tied to unrealistic situations, be real with yourself about that. If they are rooted in potential possibilities, do some journaling about how much you are “feeding into” that reality and what you think would be the wisest way to move forward, both for your sake as well as your relationship.
Talk to your partner. Each relationship is different, and so, while I’m not going to recommend that everyone just blurt out that they’ve been thinking about having sex with their co-worker or college sweetheart while having sex with their partner, I do think that the suppressed urges and desires (in general) should be mentioned. Sometimes, fantasies are birthed out of boredom (check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why” and “Common Sex Problems Couples Have (& How To Fix 'Em)”) and doing something like creating a sex bucket list (check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”) can breathe new life into your bedroom.
Plus, sharing some of your deepest thoughts, feelings, and needs (in a kind, thoughtful, and mature way) can cultivate more emotional intimacy with your partner, and that can definitely be a good thing.
Consider seeing a sex therapist. If, after doing both of these things, the fantasies seem to be getting stronger and louder, you might need to make an appointment with a reputable sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). They may be able to help you to “connect some dots” about what’s going on that you wouldn’t have considered without their help, because sex therapists are trained in helping individuals sort out the mental and emotional sides of intimacy, not just the physical ones.
____
Are fantasies bad? They aren’t. However, when it comes to sexual ones, a quote by Benjamin Franklin absolutely comes to mind: “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”
And that, right there, should be a guiding message for how you should process the fantasies that you do have.
Amen? Sho’ you right.
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