One thing about being a "godmommy" and "love auntie" (which are nieces who came through love, not blood) is your “girls” will be asking you all kinds of stuff that they may not necessarily feel comfortable asking their mom about. And, for better or for worse, I am at the season where a lot of mine are either preteens or full-blown teenagers (Lord, where does the time go?!), so here come all of the random emails, texts, and phone calls. And, for whatever the reason, a burning topic right now has been pubic hair — whether to keep it and/or what to exactly do with it.
Personally, I am Team Pubic Hair. It makes sex more comfortable by reducing the sometimes uncomfortable friction that comes from intercourse. It can reduce the transmission of bacteria if you happen to have tiny abrasions around your vulva (the outer part of your vagina) or pubic mound. It can even intensify sexual activity since pubic hair tends to carry pheromones.
Yet just because I’m all about keeping the hair that naturally grows in that area around, that doesn’t mean that I don’t think that some intentional and consistent grooming shouldn’t be going down in the process. And since there are a few different routes that we all can take in that department, I want to share some of the options that I told my girls — with a heads up to their mamas, of course — about, along with the benefits and potential challenges that come with each of ‘em.
The Pros & Cons of Trimming Your Pubic Hair
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PROS: So long as you have the proper tools (either some facial hair shears because they have rounded tips that are safer or an electric trimmer that’s specifically designed for pubic hair), probably the greatest pros with trimming your pubic hair is that it’s cheap and convenient as all get out. You can do it from the comfort (and privacy) of your own home at any time you feel the need.
CONS: As someone who trims sometimes in between appointments, one con is it can be hard to see what you’re doing; not only that, but feeling around can take for-e-ver. Also, if you’re gonna go with an electric trimmer, you should make sure to oil the blades before and after each trim; otherwise, you run a high chance of the blade snagging some of your hairs or nicking you — and trust me, both really suck.
Definitely rinse the blade thoroughly to reduce the risk of bacteria and bumps (especially if you’re going for a close trim) and replace the blades on your trimmer every 3-4 months; that way, they don’t get dull.
The Pros & Cons of Shaving Your Pubic Hair
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PROS: If you want to clean up your bikini line completely and you want to do so while keeping some coins in your pocket, shaving is a way to go. It’s something else that’s relatively easy to do at home and, so long as you get a really good razor (word on the street is Schick Women’s Quattro Razor Exotic Violet Blooms is a great one), it can have your bikini line looking and feeling baby soft smooth. Just make sure to dampen your skin, apply a shaving gel or cream first, or, if you’d prefer a more natural alternative, go with something along the lines of coconut or olive oil or even some aloe vera gel.
CONS: I still shave my legs (not really sure why, now that I think about it; I should probably get those waxed), and while it’s cool for the most part, the most annoying thing is how fast the stubble starts to come back; same point applies to shaving pubic hair. Plus, if you want an extra close shave and you decide to go against the grain, that significantly increases your chances of experiencing razor bumps and the scars that can come from them, which can be a low-key nightmare.
You can avoid this by never going against the grain, applying gentle pressure as you shave, and re-wetting your razor every 2-3 strokes. Another con? If you decide to remove all of your pubic hair this way, the growing out process can be a mutha. The itchiness alone, chile? Hard pass.
The Pros & Cons of Using Hair Removal Cream for Your Pubic Hair
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PROS: If you want a pubic hair removal method that is fast, inexpensive, and easy to do yourself, another option is going with a hair removal cream like Nair. Since it’s painless and even removes hair right beneath the surface, this method typically lasts longer than shaving.
Word on the street is that depilatories (another name for hair removal) can also help to make your hair grow back softer with consistent use (although some studies say that they actually increase the amount of hair follicles in mice). Also, since no razors are involved, you don’t have to worry about unsightly ingrown hairs becoming an issue.
CONS: I’ve got a girlfriend who has been Nair-ing her pubic region for basically all of her adult life — not just her bikini line either; she gets rid of it all. According to her, the smell of the Nair and the minor skin burns that can come from leaving the cream on too long (if you’re not careful) are her biggest issues. When it comes to the stench, a baking soda rinse can help. When it comes to the burn, just make sure to follow the directions to a T.
The Pros & Cons of Waxing Your Pubic Hair
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PROS: I’ve been waxing for several years now, and it really is one of the best decisions that I’ve ever made. Although I do like some evidence of being out of puberty being down below (pretty sure you can read below, well, I mean between the lines there), it has been the perfect solution for my bikini line. That’s because, since waxing pulls your pubic hair from its roots, when this consistently transpires, it not only damages those hair follicles, it can alter the texture of your pubic hair as well as cause it to become thinner and quite possibly stop growing altogether after a couple of years (of regular treatment).
Not only that, but as you’re waiting for all of this to happen, you can oftentimes go between 2-5 weeks before needing to wax that area all over again.
CONS: If you want someone to lie to you and say that waxing isn’t painful to some and highly comfortable to others (like me), I ain’t the one, chile. Listen, it took me a solid nine months (give or take a couple of appointments) to get to where waxing wasn’t annoying the mess outta me. One thing that helped was having my waxer apply some oil to my bikini line before applying the wax; that way, the wax is pulling on the hair and less on my actual skin. Another potential con is it’s not as inexpensive as the other options I’ve already talked about, especially if you’re gonna go to a professional spa or salon.
Oh, and if you’ve somehow convinced yourself that DIY’ing it will be easier, chile, naw. Usually, that takes even longer because it can take quite a bit of trial and error to find a comfortable wax (and temperature). Plus, most women don’t take the “just rip off the Band-Aid” approach to pulling wax strips off in the way that professionals do. And that pull-ouch-pull-ouch dance can take hours out of your day. Yes, literally.
The Pros & Cons of Sugaring Your Pubic Hair
Sugaring
PROS: I’ve been rockin’ with my waxer for quite some time now. Yet when she was out of commission for a season, I had to find someone to be her temporary stand-in. What I landed on was someone who does sugaring. If you’re not familiar with what that is, sugaring is all about mixing sugar, lemon, and water together to create a paste that is similar to wax in order to get rid of unwanted hair.
The major perks with sugaring are the ingredients are all-natural, some say it’s less painful than waxing because it doesn’t actually stick to the skin (I’d say it’s a bit more comfortable), and it can eventually lead to permanent hair loss. Another thing worth noting about sugaring is you can keep going over the same area without worrying about damaging your skin. That makes sense, considering that the sugar solution doesn’t attach itself to it in the same way that waxing does.
Oh, and because it is an all-natural method that requires very few ingredients, sugaring is also something that you can do at home. A video that can help you out is located here.
CONS: All in all, I only have one con when it comes to sugaring. Because it sometimes doesn’t “catch” the hairs on the first or even second try, sometimes the end result isn’t as baby smooth as I would personally prefer. I’ve also noticed that sometimes sugaring doesn’t result in clean lines like waxing strips do. Yet that second con can oftentimes be mastered with a bit of practice. Either way, if you’ve always wondered if it truly is an effective way to remove body hair, it is. One that has less chemicals than wax too.
The Pros & Cons of Laser Hair Removal for Your Pubic Hair
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PROS: If you’re going for a longer-lasting approach to pubic hair removal (after 4-6 visits, you will probably only need to remove your pubic hair every couple of years), lasering can make that happen. Many experts say that you will need to go somewhere around five times, spaced four weeks apart, in order to receive lasting results. And as far as other benefits go, lasering is quick (usually around 15 minutes per session), is typically less painful than even waxing or sugaring, can help to even out your skin tone while removing unwanted hairs, and avoids the end result of ingrown hairs that can come from tweezing and/or shaving.
CONS: Imma tell you, off the rip, what will keep me from trying this option is the cost. It would be one thing if I could knock out all of the hair in one visit; however, since it isn’t a permanent form of hair removal for most, $300 a session (minimum) is too steep for my blood. Also, there are some professionals who say that it’s not the best option for deeply melanated skin, and if your skin is naturally dry, laser hair removal could make matters worse instead of better.
The Pros & Cons of Electrolysis for Your Pubic Hair Removal
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PROS: If you’re someone who has used electrolysis to remove pubic hair before, please jump into the comments and tell us how the experience was because there’s something about a probe (usually in the form of a tiny needle) going into my skin that doesn’t exactly sound like a trip to Six Flags. Nonetheless, I have read and researched that electrolysis is a win if you’re looking for a hair removal method that requires no downtime, can work on all skin types, and can be done even if you happen to be on your period or are pregnant. Plus, the process is relatively quick (between 15-60 minutes, depending on how much hair you’re removing), and the risk of infection is quite low.
CONS: To say that you won’t feel anything during the procedure is a stretch. Some folks say it feels like an annoying tingle, while others have shared that it’s mildly uncomfortable. A workaround for that is some numbing cream that your electrologist can apply because you will probably feel it more than laser treatments plus, you will have to have more sessions before all of the hair is completely gone. Electrolysis also isn’t cheap; each session will land you somewhere between $50-200.
Bonus: The Pros & Cons of Dyeing for Your Pubic Hair
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Between these huge breast-es-sis of mine and me quite frankly, not being as limber as a sistah used to be, I don’t see all of the gray hair developments that my waxer LOVES to point out are transpiring down below. When I have taken a mirror down there to see what’s up, I’m fine with it (now…LOL).
Yet, if you’re not when it comes to your own pubic hair, there are dyes that you can try. Personally, I would recommend going with an option that is specifically designed for pubic hair, like the Betty Beauty line (here) or the MiniKINI Colour line (here) because they contain ingredients that will reduce the risk of irritation.
Me? I trim my pubic hair far too often for dyeing it to even make sense. Besides, a grown vagina is a blessed one, gray hairs ‘n all. All good, chile. All good.
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There you have it: a cheat sheet on how to keep your own pubic hair right where and how you want it to be. Feel free to hop in the comments and share what works best for you and why. Knowledge is power…even when it comes to our hair that’s down below.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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And honestly, the holiday season isn’t exempt from this. I know from personal experience because, as someone who hasn’t observed any for many years now (without one regret), you’d be amazed by all of the theories that I’ve heard as to why that is the case. SMDH.
Chile, you don’t have the time and I don’t have the space to get into all of that nonsense. For now, I just want to provide a silver lining from my having to endure other people’s yapping by letting those of you who may not be super enthusiastic about the holidays this year (or any year) either that there is nothing wrong with that — or with you.
I’ll break down why and how I’ve come to that conclusion.
Not Being “on-10” Doesn’t Make You a Grinch
GiphyHonestly, I have some pretty solid memories about Christmastime. Because my mother grew up with an alcoholic father (and supreme spiritual hypocrite), she was very emotionally tied to the holiday because it was the only time that she recalled having real peace in her home. And so, we did the Christmas thing, pretty much to the hilt — fresh Christmas trees, baking Christmas-themed desserts, watching holiday movies, going caroling, stringing popcorn…you name it.
It wasn’t until I became an adult and I started doing research on the origin stories of holidays (check out “The History of Christmas” if you don’t already know about it), in general, that I became more and more detached. Plus, as a seventh-day Sabbath observer (Exodus 20:8-11, Hebrews 4, Matthew 28:1) — every Friday sunset through Saturday sunset was like a holiday in certain ways to me, so I never really “lived” for traditional calendar ones.
That doesn’t mean that I am all "Bah humbug" to folks who are totally into the holiday, though. For instance, my godchildren’s father acts like Christmas is a drug for him and so anything Christmas-like that he can think of is his fix. And although the girls (6 and 14) know that I don’t observe, I am good for getting them a “cold weather present” usually around the time the temps drop (in October) instead of an actual Christmas gift. And although I usually pass on hanging out with folks on Christmas Day, I’ll help bake a cookie or two in the days leading up to it.
So yeah, the first thing that folks who are pretty “meh” about Christmas need to be reminded of is that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make you a Grinch. If you recall the Grinch’s story, he did have some trauma and so he took it out on Christmas. Meanwhile, most of us who can take or leave the holidays, we aren’t “mad”…we’re just…for the most part…disinterested. The rest of y’all “do you,” though. And we mean that sincerely.
Not Being Thrilled Doesn’t Mean That You’re Depressed Either
GiphyI’ve shared before that there is someone in my world who gets so excited about Christmas that I almost want to see if there is a disorder linked to it. LOL. I mean from the start of October on, you are going to hear about her Christmas plans, plus, you are going to start seeing holiday décor up in her house — and she’s always been that way.
Because she knows that “I’m good” on Christmas, there have been times when she’s asked me if it’s because my parents divorced when I was young or if it’s because my family lives overseas or if it’s because I am not married and never had children. Shellie, you’re way too excited for your birthday for you to just…not care about Christmas. I think you might be suppressing something.
Good lord, girl. LOL. I’m excited for birthdays because another year of life in my right mind is a blessing. Christmas, personally, doesn’t make a ton of sense to me (especially to be spending a lot of cents) and so, I’ll pass. It’s really not any deeper than that. Besides, it’s not like I’m sitting in the dark somewhere on Christmas Day rocking back and forth in a corner. If anything, I really appreciate how quiet the world seems to be (both online and off) while everyone else is doing their thing. THANK YOU.
So yeah, if Christmas — or the holiday season, period — doesn’t have you jumping up and down, don’t let other people’s enthusiasm gaslight you into thinking that you should see a therapist. That said, for the record, if someone has mentioned depression to you, here are some signs that mental health professionals say are associated with holiday-related depression:
- Feelings of hopelessness
- Trouble sleeping
- Anxiety
- Tension
- Internalized frustration
- Feeling lonely and isolated
- Not doing any of the things that you typically enjoy
Do you see not wanting to go to a holiday party, opting out of Christmas shopping with a bunch of friends or preferring to not have any Christmas decorations up in your house on the list? Yeah, me neither. Moral to the story: Please don’t let people get you down by trying to manipulate you into thinking that if you aren’t like them, something must be wrong with you. During the holiday seasons or otherwise, chile.
Use This Time (Unapologetically) for Yourself
GiphyRemember how I just said that one of the things I damn near adore about Christmas is, since everyone is focused on their own families, I can get some real quality time to myself? Although a lot of things are closed on Christmas Day, you can still order a favorite meal the day before, turn off your phone and sleep in on Christmas Day and, if you want to get out and about — I don’t know about y’all but one of my favorite things is to go to the movies alone and movie theaters are always open on Christmas.
You know, I’ve shared before that I once interviewed a Jewish woman who was married to a Christian man. Together, they observe Chrismukkah and there is something that she said about it that has always stayed with me (paraphrased): “I don’t believe in Christmas but anything that can bring peace, joy and goodwill to humanity, even for a day, that is something that I can get behind.” I agree. And sometimes, what we need to remind ourselves is we need to set aside time to bring peace, joy and goodwill to ourselves. Use the holiday season to do that, if nothing else. You won’t regret it.
Do Private Things More than Public Ones
GiphyEven beyond Christmas, specifically, what if the entire holiday season is something that you’re pretty ho-hum about because things like mall traffic, stressed out relatives and the busyness of it all aren’t your favorite things? My two cents would be to not put your head under the covers and just wait for January 2 to arrive. Instead, opt out of big celebrations and do “calmer and quieter” things with some of your favorite people.
Since pretty much from a couple of days before Christmas until kids go back to school, folks are not on their “usual schedule,” go to brunch with your favorite aunt (or uncle), host a sleepover with a couple of girlfriends and/or Zoom one of your buddies to create vision boards for the new year.
Listen, just because you may not be in the traditional holiday spirit, that doesn’t mean that you can’t take advantage of the time that it offers for you to do some quality things with people you care about. Just you and them. No one else.
Create Your Own Traditions
GiphyNot into the 12 Days of Christmas? Pamper yourself for the week leading into the New Year. Don’t want a Christmas tree? Have some roses or poinsettias sent to your house. Couldn’t care less about a ball dropping on New Year’s Eve? Rent out a huge Airbnb New Year’s Eve and enjoy a change of scenery.
Y’all, just because the holiday season comes with its own traditions, there is no written rule which says that you have to follow them — or that you can’t come up with some of your own. Hell, if you put enough thought into this tip, you might look up and realize that you absolutely adore this time of year — just for a totally different set of reasons than most. Beautiful.
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