This Is How To Maintain Your Hair In Cooler Temperatures
As much as I like cold weather (and I do, unapologetically so), I have learned that it's not the best for my hair. For one thing, did you know that warm temps are far better at holding in moisture than cold ones are? Another problem is freezing weather and wind can cause the cuticles of our hair to lift which can result in hair strand damage and/or hair not being able to hold conditioning products in for very long. Also, when it's cold, that can lead to more frizzing and dryness; especially because we tend to be indoors more often with our HVAC units set to warmer temps.
All of these reasons are why it's so important to be proactive when it comes to caring for your hair during the fall and winter seasons. So, if you're looking for a few ways to do just that right about now, I've got 10 tips that will safely carry your tresses right on past Valentine's Day — and then some.
1. Do Some Pre-Pooing
Even if you use a sulfate-free shampoo (and I hope that you do because other than clarifying your hair, sulfates can be extremely drying), when you're a Black woman, it's still a good idea to pre-poo your hair on every wash day. Since it can be difficult for the natural sebum from your hair follicles and scalp to run down the entire shaft of your strands (due to your super curly texture), that's why your hair tends to be drier than other ethnicities. Then, when you bring shampoo into that mix, that can dry your locks out even more. One way to head that off is by pre-pooing — applying an oil to your hair, before shampooing. This works well because it softens your hair, makes your conditioner more effective and it significantly reduces the detangling process, so that there's far less breakage (which is a great thing because wet hair is pretty fragile).
As far as the best oils to use, I like avocado a lot because it's got a great reputation for containing properties that detangle, deeply moisturize, and even heal dandruff. Still, pretty much any oil of your choice (argan, coconut, grapeseed, olive, almond, etc.) will work. Just split your hair up into four sections, generously apply the oil, let it sit for 20-30 minutes, and wash and rinse as usual. You will immediately notice a difference.
2. Give Your Hair Herb-Infused Hot Oil Treatments
Something that I've been doing this year that I enjoy so much is making my own herb-infused oils. If you check out the article, "12 Natural Ways To Get Your Skin To Glow All The Way Up This Summer" that I wrote for this platform, #5 breaks it down for you. For now, I'll just say that this kind of oil is bomb because you can customize the herbs and oil(s) that you want in order to pamper your skin or, in this case, your hair.
Anyway, remember how I said that cold air can cause cuticles to take quite a beating? One way to avoid this is treating your hair to a hot oil treatment because it helps to seal your cuticles. Not only that but the heat of the oil will stimulate blood flow to your hair follicles which will strengthen your hair over time. Plus, hot oil treatments are great at reducing split ends and alleviating dry scalp. Applying a hot oil treatment every other wash day is cool. For tips on how to do it properly, check out YouTuber's Mia Nicole's video here, Leilani Iman's video here, and tatenda's video here.
3. Apply a Leave-In Conditioner
Even though I am big on deep conditioning (especially over the past couple of years), something that I wish I had been doing for even longer than that is applying a leave-in conditioner. Because my hair soaks up moisture with the quickness (no matter what the season may be), applying a leave-in (usually on freshly washed hair and right before I blow it out) has helped my hair to retain moisture for days on end. As far as if you should apply it every day, honestly, I think it depends on if you go with a cream or a spray (a spray is usually much lighter). Also, it's important to keep in mind that "too much of a good thing" can result in a lot of build-up and residue on your hair. Personally, on wash day and maybe once a week is more than enough in my opinion. The bottom line here is to use some, especially during the cooler seasons of the year. For tips on choosing the right leave-in for your hair and its needs, check out Naturally Curly's "Top 20 Leave-in Conditioners."
4. Use a Cream-Based Thermal Heat Protectant
Listen, I would audibly scream it in your ear if I could — ANY TIME YOU APPLY HEAT TO YOUR HAIR, YOU NEED TO USE A THERMAL HEAT PROTECTANT FIRST! It adds and seals in moisture. It reduces frizz. It provides a layer of protection from the heat. Just make sure during this time of the year that, unless you have very fine hair, you go with a cream rather than a spray base. While I can't recall her name, shout-out to the sales associate at one of my local Sally's Beauty Supply stores who told me that cream gives better and longer-lasting coverage than a spray. She's exactly right. I can totally notice a difference between the two since switching over to creams.
5. (Temporarily) Ditch Serums
As with most things in life, hair serums come with pros and cons. On one hand, they help to control frizz, reduce detangling and create an unbelievable amount of shine. On the flip side, they can create a significant amount of build-up, can weigh your styles down and, because of the chemicals in them, cold weather can actually cause serums to make your hair feel really stiff. The solution? Well, just like it's best to go with a cream-based thermal heat protectant when it's cold outside, it's a good idea to style your hair altogether with something that is more of a cream-base so that your hair feels softer and is easier to manage. That said if you absolutely must go with a serum, use one that is oil-based instead of silicone-based. You will be able to avoid the "stiffness" easier that way.
6. Shower in Warm (Not Hot) Water
I'll agree with anyone who feels like nothing feels better than a long hot shower after coming in from the freezing cold. Here's the problem, though — because your hair is pretty porous, if hot water hits it, that can result in it dehydrating your scalp and stripping your strands of the natural oils that they need in order to thrive. So, if "hot you must", avoid shampooing in the shower. And wherever you wash your hair, go with warm for the washing and cool for the final rinse. Cool water is something else that is great when it comes to sealing your cuticles right on up.
7. Protect Your Ends
A lot of the Black women I know will actually put their hair into a protective style during the summertime either because they are traveling a lot or they simply don't want to be bothered with thinking about it. But you know what? Fall and winter are ideal for braids, twists, wigs, and weaves because they are so good at protecting your hair — especially your ends — from inclement weather. Speaking of your ends, because you won't be able to retain any inches (check out "Let's Gain An Inch A Month Of Hair Growth 'Til December, Shall We?", "This Is The Way To Properly Care For Your Hair While Rockin' A Wig" and "If Your Hair Keeps Breaking Off, You're Probably Doing This.") unless they are able to remain healthy and intact, definitely make sure that you seal them on every wash day. All this means is you plan to apply some extra oil to them (after conditioning your hair), so they won't get dry and brittle as quickly. For tips on how to properly seal your ends, check out Simply Julia Lauren's YT video (here) and ulovemeg's video (here).
8. Make Vitamin E Your Hair’s Best Friend
Something that will definitely support your hair's health on all fronts is Vitamin E. The potent antioxidants in it will help to moisturize your scalp and soothe it if it's irritated or itching. It's the kind of oil that is extremely hydrating. If you're looking for an oil that will help to restore hair loss, there are studies to support its ability to do that. Vitamin E can also give your hair a lot of shine.
For all of these reasons and more, it's a good idea to make sure your diet contains foods that are high in Vitamin E (like almonds, broccoli, spinach, sunflower seeds, butternut squash, avocado, and kiwi), that you use hair products that contain Vitamin E and that you massage your scalp with some 100 percent pure Vitamin E oil, once a week, too.
9. Drink Herbal Teas
A couple of years ago, I penned "These Foods Will Give Your Skin & Hair The Moisture They Crave" for xoNecole because, it's important to remember that, when it comes to keeping moisture in your hair, it needs to happen from the inside out, just as much as it does from the outside in. One of the things I mentioned on this list is herbal teas because 1) teas are a great way to hydrate your hair and scalp and 2) teas are very popular around this time of year. As far as the kind of herbal teas that are especially good for hair health, some of those include rosemary (it increases blood circulation to your scalp); lavender (it reduces dandruff and soothes an itchy scalp); ginger (it reduces hair fall); peppermint (it encourages hair growth) and red clover tea (it adds additional moisture).
10. Use a Humidifier at Night
I've been saying, on repeat, that since it appears that COVID isn't going anywhere, any time soon, it's really important to invest in a humidifier. You can read all about why by checking out "10 Really Good Reasons To Get Yourself A Humidifier This Fall." As it relates to your hair, specifically, sleeping with a humidifier at night is an effective way to restore the moisture that your HVAC unit may be zapping from your hair. Since I've been using one, it's kind of wild how my scalp has been itching less and my hair has been feeling less dry. It's one of the best hair (and skin) investments that I've made in a long time as I prepare for all that fall and winter have in store. If you don't have one, treat yourself. You — and your hair — won't regret it at all.
Featured image by Getty Images
- Hair Breakgage: Reasons Natural Hair Is Breaking Off - xoNecole ... ›
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- 10 Things Your Natural Hair Needs In The Winter ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You're Catching Feelings For Your Guy Friend. Now What?
Let me just start this all off by saying that I will never be the kind of person who thinks that men and women can’t be friends (or that single people and married people can’t be friends). Choosing friends is about looking into someone’s character and how they complement your life; it should never be about their gender or relational status. Don’t get it twisted, though — in order to properly navigate the dynamic between a man and a woman, there are some things that should be pondered and then discussed.
For instance, is the relationship truly platonic? Even though our culture has reduced that word to simply mean that two people are friends and nothing more, the actual definition is that BOTH individuals do not have any type of sexual interest or attraction at all; that only a spiritual kind of love exists. Is that possible? I have a few male friends where that word applies. I won’t lie, though — most of my (unmarried) male friends are more in the lane of, “You could get it. We just value the friendship too much to explore it”…and no, it hasn’t been “game” whenever they’ve brought it up.
Contrary to the notoriously toxic belief of so many folks out here, not every man has coochie on the brain 24/7 and/or lacks self-control and/or is willing to risk it all in order to get some. In fact, not one man in my life is even remotely that shallow.
Now, that doesn’t mean that I don’t get that the line between just friends and possibly more isn’t a tightrope for some friendships from time to time. Like, what happens if the person who ends up “with a little extra,” as far as emotions go for a friend, ends up being you? Even further, what if that question isn’t even close to being rhetorical because it’s something that you’re experiencing right at this very moment, and you’re not exactly sure what you should do about it?
If that’s the case, have no fear. I think I might be able to offer up a bit of insight that can get you through the (potential) internal stress of what happens when you look up one day and it really does seem like, out of nowhere, you suddenly want your guy friend to become something…more.
What Kind of Friendship Is It?
GiphySo before we talk about anything else, the first thing that you should get clear on is the type of friendship that you’re in. What I mean by that is, although we tend to use “friend” to cover all of the bases of someone who we’re not romantically involved with (or isn’t a relative or we can’t stand — and chile,don’t even get me started on frenemies), the reality is that friendships definitely have levels to them (check out “Always Remember That Friendships Have 'Levels' To Them”).
Like,is he a work friend? Is he a church friend? Is he someone you’ve recently gotten to know over the past couple of months? Is he an online friend? Or is it deeper, like a guy who you’ve been friends with for a couple of years now or someone who you used to have in the friend zone (check out “Before You 'Friend Zone' Someone, Read This.”)? Or — and lawd have mercy, if so — is he your best friend, and you’re starting to see him in a completely different light?
Do you see how, just breaking down some of these friendship dynamics, the situations are quite different? For instance, if you have feelings for a co-worker friend, you’ve got to take into consideration what your work environment will be like if the two of you date and it ultimately doesn’t work out. If he’s an online friend (especially if he’s in another city, state, or country), the risk of potential rejection probably won’t be as impactful as if you have to see him every weekend at church.
If he’s someone you already put into the friend zone, I’m gonna tell you right now that if he has any sort of self-esteem, you’re gonna have to eat a few slices of humble pie to get him to entertain being more than friends (because guys tend to move on once they find out that they fall into that space). And if he’s your best friend? Well, while it probably won’t cost you your friendship, it could make things awkward for a while at best or shift the relationship a bit at worst.
That’s why I definitely think that getting real about the kind of friendship you have with the guy is what you should get mentally cleared up first. Then, we can move on to the next thing.
What Do You Want to Come from the Matter?
GiphyAnyway, because I do have a nice circle of male friends, many of whom are single or divorced, I get asked often if it’s hard to be just friends with them. It’s not because I really like what we have as being friends only. There is a type of intimacy and balance of energies that come from a male-female friendship that you can never get from same-sex ones. I value it all too much to risk it. What I want from my male friends — a certain level of protection (because I’m single), insight from a male perspective, doing things that my female friends may not want to do, etc. — I get…and that’s worth more than seeing if the sex would be bomb or if we should try something more and it end up being a bad decision that we can’t come back from.
That’s me, though. That doesn’t have to be you and your guy friend. For example, what if what you want is to explore a sexual relationship (check out “5 Things You Should Ask Yourself Before Having Sex with A Friend”) because you can’t seem to get sex with him out of your head? For better or for worse, chile, back when I was out in these sex streets, that was pretty much my pattern: sex with close friends (check out “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners”), and it’s not an impossible feat.
You’ve just got to be real with yourself about whether that’s truly all that you want and if you can handle it gracefully if things don’t go as planned (check out “How To Preserve Your Friendship After BAD Casual Sex”) or the sex is so good that now you can’t decide if you’re into him or just into…it. Oh, and don’t even get me started on if he’s seeing other people (because all you wanted was sex…right?). Yeah, a movie that I like calledSleeping with Other People has a scene where a woman is mad that her casual sex partner is sleeping around. His response was on-point: “Keeping our arrangement doesn’t make me an as-hole, but it does make you a liar.” #checkmate
That’s just one example to emphasize the point that, yes, you need to figure out what you want to come from your more-than-just-friends feelings. Do you just want to get it off of your chest and you’re not sure if you want or need to do anything more than that? Do you want just sex? Would you like to go on a few dates to see ifthe chemistry is mutual? Are you “deeply in” and you’re hoping that he feels the same way so that you two can have a full-blown relationship?
Listen, I have watched enough relationships in my lifetime to know that when it comes to something that needs to be as thoughtfully approached as this, it’s not fair to share your feelings with someone and then expect them to know what you want to come from doing so. You need to know…first. So before bringing it to him, figure it out on your own.
Tell Him the Deal. No Hinting Around.
GiphyAlthough timing and delivery matter, I don’t know one man who isn’t a “straight no-chaser” type of individual. This means no hinting around. No guessing games. No 50 million questions to try and see if he likes you first. I promise you that all of these approaches are off-putting to guys and will get them to mentally and emotionally tap out before you get around to making your point. Besides, if he’s a FRIEND friend, you should be able to express your genuine feelings — and honestly, this is a huge plus to telling him: you will be able to see how mature he is when it comes to handling matters of the heart.
Can there be a reason to not tell your guy friend how you feel? I mean, honestly, if you’re avoiding it, I’m assuming that it’s mostly due to fear, and trying to maintain anything with fear as your “fuel,” ultimately, isn’t going to get you anywhere. Plus, the more that you suppress what is going on inside of you, the more it’s going to alter the energy between the two of you, and that could cause unnecessary stress and strain to where either you start unnecessarily projecting things onto him, or he wants to spend less time around you because you’re making him feel as uncomfortable as you are.
Are there any exceptions to this? Eh. If you’re more like good acquaintances than actual friends, perhaps. Personally, though, I think that solid friendships are rooted in honesty — and how can you claim that you’ve got a healthy friendship with someone if you’re holding something as big back as having feelings for them away from them? Logically, it just doesn’t make much sense.
Prepare Yourself for His Response. And Don’t Penalize the Friendship If He Doesn’t Feel the Same Way.
GiphyOnce you tell him, for the most part, there are three ways that telling him can go: he can like you back, he can want some time and space to consider the possibilities, or he can not be interested. Let’s briefly unpack all three.
Liking you back...
So, what if you tell him how you feel, and he feels the same way (or something close)? My two cents would be for the two of you to still go slowly. Where I’ve seen many mess up is they think that they can go from friend to more-than-friends in two days or less, and that’s super unrealistic. Meaning, someone having feelings for you, too doesn't mean that they can, should, or will automatically stop seeing other people or that you two can or should immediately start becoming intimate.
Take some time to really discuss each other’s feelings, thoughts, and expectations — and what you guys should do trying to move into a different relational space ultimately proves to not be the best thing for one or both of you. If anything should take the “ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” approach, it’s friends who are transitioning into something more — or else.
Wanting time and space...
Going from friends to potentially something different is a lot like shifting gears in a car — and if you move too fast, you can strip them. That said, just because you’ve been sitting with your feelings for a while, it’s not fair to want to rush him after he finds out. Whether he wants time and space to figure out how he feels about your feelings or time and space from you altogether — both are warranted.
Should it be for weeks with no contact? Not if he’s a good friend. On the other hand, should you pressure him into making you feel at ease about what he’s just now learning? Eh. You might want to go to another friend to help you out with that. I mean, how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Right…exactly.
He's not interested...
No one likes rejection; that’s real. At the same time, though, it’s not fair to penalize him if he doesn’t feel the same way that you do. Clearly, if he’s your friend (especially a close friend), he adores and values you on some level. However, if that’s not romantically, try and be emotionally mature enough to know and then accept that not wanting all of what you desire from the relationship doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want you in his life at all.
At the end of the day, if it’s too hard to be his friend when you want something else, you’ve got to do what’s best for you. Just make sure that you’re not going to lose a great person in your life because your ego got bruised or your pride couldn’t handle him not reciprocating what you were offering. It’s not fair, and it could end up costing you…A LOT. Take the kind of space you need to redirect your focus. If he loves you, he’ll be there when you get…back.
___
I’ve developed feelings for a friend before; more than once. Was it always easy to work through? Not always. My friendships always survived it, though — whether the feelings were reciprocated or not. And it was because we valued the friendship too much to lose it.
And honestly, I think that is one of the best things to come out of having feelings for a friend: you end up finding out just how solid the bond actually is. And in a world where really good friends are hard to come by…that can never not be a good thing.
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Featured image by FG Trade/Getty Images