Ahh, it's the most wonderful time of the year. The sound of love is finally in the air but for some of us, the only thing making noise is Janet Jackson's "I Get So Lonely" blasting through our AirPods. But thanks to xoNecole, we've got something for you that'll hopefully perk you right on up, or at least help keep hope alive on the love and romance front.
We've rounded up more than a fair share of eye candy and found out exactly what draws them in about a woman and what they're looking for in their next relationship. Ranging across various industries and zodiac signs (side-eyeing you Geminis though), these fine, fine assortments of chocolate delight are sure to have you blasting "Let's Get Married" in no time.
So if you think you're ready to trade in your Janet Jackson vibes for an Ari Lennox "BMO" mood, check out these 9 gorgeous MCMs and don't ever say we never did anything nice for you. We always got you, sis.
Mike Merrill
@_MikeMerrill_
Courtesy of Mike Merrill
Age: In his twenties
Occupation: Actor, Emcee & Motivational Speaker
Hobbies/Interests: Working out, playing Call of Duty, sports, going to the gun range, creating content and family time
Zodiac Sign: Cancer
Relationship Status: Single
How he prefers to meet a woman...
"If she's already seen me in person, then I would rather meet that way. But if you've seen me on social media first, then I don't mind that either. But my choice would be in person!"
What attracts him to a woman...
"The way she looks overall: her face, body, the way she dresses and the way she walks. But specifically, I love to catch a smiling woman."
What keeps him interested...
"The way she carries herself as a person, meaning the way she speaks and how much personality she has. Honestly, with me, it depends on the woman because I could find different things in a woman firsthand that might get me--that another woman can't. Different women have different flaws and features to them. But if on social media: the marketing of her page, the things she says in her captions, her bio and last but not least the type of work she does. You can get a lot more info on a person through social media before even approaching."
How he knows he's ready to commit...
"When we are both in tuned with who we are as separate individuals and can deal with each other through thick and thin based off the bond we've already built thus far. Our energy has to be welcoming most of the time when we're with each other. We have to respect each other on all levels and come to agreements instead of arguing. [We] both [have to] believe in God and truly know the meaning of faith and have it. And even though we're in control of our own happiness, we have to be there for each other to support our individual life choices."
His stance on courtship...
"Hell no! Let me say first: I'm a Cancer, so I feel a lot more than others. If you don't believe in courtship and don't want it, then you don't want me because that's a big factor for me."
His top three relationship must-haves...
"Trust, compassion, and a sense of humor."
His version of the best Valentine's Day date...
"A positive, eventful, smiling/laughing all day and sharing good energy type of day pretty much sums it up for me!"
Romel Rose
Courtesy of Romel Rose
Age: 28
Occupation: Filmmaker & Actor
Hobbies/Interests: Watching movies, making movies, and spending time with family
Zodiac Sign: Leo
Relationship Status: Single, but on a journey of working on my relationship with God
What attracts him to a woman...
"What draws my attention now is seeing how she carries herself: Is she somebody who seeks attention or is she somebody that's confident in herself? And then I try to see what she's about because, in LA, it's slim pickings. And that goes both ways, men and women. Everyone's out here seeking some kind of attention and approval, so you kind of have to know how that person gets down."
What keeps him interested...
"Our interests, if we catch a vibe and just have a good conversation. If we're on the same page and have a similar sense of humor, that's really big for me."
How he knows he's ready to commit...
"I never really know, to be honest. From my personal experience, it's always kind of just happened. It was never calculated, it was always like, we started dating and we grew a bond. And then it becomes a thing to where it's like, 'I don't want to be with anybody else and you don't want to be with anybody else, so?' Then you have to have that conversation. I think you kind of know when there's nobody else in the picture. But that changes over time because for me now, I have to look at 'are we compatible?' Just because there's nobody else, it doesn't always mean we're going to be compatible romantically or that we share the same views on different things. It has to be more of a spiritual, soul type of thing; otherwise I'll get bored after six months."
His top three relationship must-haves...
"We have to be spiritually in alignment, it can't be a 'you're attractive and I like you.' It has to be ordained by God, it has to be deeper than that. A sense of humor, and we have to be able to get along. I have to like being around you. Our souls have to be aligned, our spirits need to be aligned, and a sense of humor are my biggest ones. That's just where I am right now."
"We have to be spiritually in alignment, it can't be a 'you're attractive and I like you.' It has to be ordained by God."
His version of the best Valentine's Day date...
"I'm not a big romantic, but honestly it depends on the person you're dating. Catering to what that person likes to do. But something like us going out of town, getting out of LA, leaving our phones in the car and just enjoying each other. That would be dope, I'm not real extravagant. I'm very simple."
Lawrence H. Robinson
Courtesy of Lawrence H. Robinson
Age: 30
Occupation: Actor
Hobbies/Interests: Family time, restaurant-hopping, and relaxing
Zodiac Sign: Aries
Relationship Status: "Single as hell"
How he prefers to meet a woman...
"She can definitely slide in my DMs. I'm not mad at a DM slide, her or me."
What attracts him to a woman...
"Definitely if it comes across as if she doesn't go out too much. Like on social media, if she's posting about her job or her travels and not out at clubs, that'll stick out to me."
What keeps him interested...
"If she notices that I have a son. If that's one of the first things she mentions, that's important to me."
How he knows he's ready to commit...
"I'll know when it gets to the point to where I feel like I have to talk to you everyday. If it's a necessity that I talk to you everyday or I need to see you everyday, then we should take it to the next step. I don't want to spend all that time and have all these conversations for us to just say we're just friends."
His top three relationship must-haves...
"We must laugh a lot. I can't stand a serious relationship. We must be able to help each other with our finances. I think that we should be able to communicate and help each other if need be. Not necessarily meaning we always give each other money but just checking up on each other and making sure her bills are intact and my bills are intact. And if we're both in communication about our finances, it could help make both of our lives better. We must be supportive of one another, she has to be my best friend. I believe your partner should be your best friend. She has to outdo them."
His version of the best Valentine's Day date...
"I love to sight-see, so probably somewhere where there's a beautiful view and you can grab dinner. Dinner on a rooftop is always a good thing for me. Dinner on a rooftop, good conversation, and taking in the person I'm with and the environment will always be a solid date for me."
Terayle Hill
Courtesy of Terayle Hill
Age: 26
Occupation: Actor
Hobbies/Interests: Playing basketball, filmmaking, and producing
Zodiac Sign: Aquarius
Relationship Status: Single
What attracts him to a woman...
"I don't want to sit here and act like looks don't mean anything, but sometimes you could just hear her voice and notice her energy and that could be it. I think the more I come into who I'm becoming, I feel like I can just feel it. A lot of times when I see someone I'm attracted to, it's because of how I feel when I look at them and not just what they look like. You have to pay attention to both. If you have an energy that pulls in a room, then that's what'll get my attention."
What keeps him interested...
"Her smile. I think if you meet somebody for the first time and they're not smiling, it says a lot about how they feel. And the conversation, so I would say the verbal and non-verbal communication that we have. That'll pretty much sell it for me."
How he knows he's ready to commit...
"It depends on what you want. Some people are looking to build, other people are looking for somebody to explore their twenties with. For me personally, I'm trying to build. I have a lot of things I'm working on in the background entrepreneurially, that are very important to me. So if this person has the capacity to deal with the things that I have going on in my life, as well as openness to me being a part of her passion, then I think we can keep each other inspired.You have to check with the mandatory things, her parents accepting you and her family, and the red flags. But if all the standard stuff checks out, then I would have to make sure she aligns with my journey. That's how I would know."
His top three relationship must-haves...
"A good attitude about life. I have to have positive energy. It's a bonus if you're athletic. I like someone who likes to take care of themselves and who pays attention to health and fitness. And a talent. Talent in something, a chef, a singer, a dancer.It's not a requirement but it's definitely something that gets my attention. Talent in something, a chef, a singer, a dancer."
His version of the best Valentine's Day date...
"I like to plan things so it would consist of me planning the day for her and things going exactly how I pictured it in my head while. As long as everything goes well and she's enjoying herself, that's all I care about. I don't necessarily care about me, I think it's the guy's job to pursue and put things in action for the person that we're with. Especially on a day like Valentine's Day."
Jason Shockness
Courtesy of Jason Shockness
Age: 27
Occupation: Software Engineering Student
Hobbies/Interests: Traveling, sports mainly basketball and football, and cooking
Zodiac Sign: Scorpio
Relationship Status: Single
How he prefers to meet a woman...
"By chance, only because hopping into DMs usually doesn't lead to anything. When it's a genuine connection and you meet when you're just out and about, I think it's more likely to last. For me, at least."
What attracts him to a woman...
"Definitely her face. There are three things: her face, her body, and her personality. Sometimes you can tell if she's goofy especially on social media or in person."
What keeps him interested...
"Her personality. Something has to stand out about her to make me want to stay and learn more. What's interesting about you? What do you like to do? What are your go-to's? What do you do? You have to ask if you have kids nowadays too."
How he knows he's ready to commit...
"When you get a certain vibe from that person and when you feel like you don't want to go out anymore and you just want to be with that person more often. Most of the time your friends will point it out too. That's probably the point when you feel like you want to be exclusive with that person."
His top three relationship must-haves...
"She must be determined, must be a go-getter for sure. She must be down to earth and she must have common sense. It's crazy I have to say that but it's real. A lot of people don't have common sense."
His version of the best Valentine's Day date...
"It would probably be like a weekend vacation. Just the two of us, like if we leave Friday and come back on a Sunday, we just be excluded from the world."
Tripp Fontane
Courtesy of Tripp Fontane
Age: 29
Occupation: Poet & Educator
Hobbies/Interests: Reading and writing, shopping, and having conversation
Zodiac Sign: Cancer
Relationship Status: Single
What attracts him to a woman...
"On social media, it depends on the social network. On Twitter, it would be her thought process, that's really what I look for. Because I know most of it is used for vanity, I really need to see a little bit more than that. Out in public, I would probably say her air of confidence. How confident she is and if she walks with that and how she visibly carries it."
What keeps him interested...
"Her open-mindedness and her sense of humor. I think both are equal because when you have someone who is able to be objective and perspective, that gives you a lot of room to build and relate. And then sense of humor because, for me personally, humor is how I cope with trauma."
How he knows he's ready to commit...
"When the level of consideration I have for her starts to go up. And that's a natural process, I think, and not so much of a 'a-ha moment.' When I start thinking of different ways to include her in my plans, that's when it's a bit more serious. When I start thinking of just me less and us more."
His top three relationship must-haves...
"Open-mindedness, a sense of humor, and effective communication."
His version of the best Valentine's Day date...
"First of all, we both have the day off. I'm huge on cooking, so I would cook breakfast to start the day off right. Probably chicken and French toast. Then we would spend the early morning thrifting, hit a couple bookstores, and then take a break around lunch--just because I don't believe in spending the whole day with each other. I'd send her to go get her nails done and her feet done. Then link back up early evening, have a nice beverage at a hole in the wall and hit dinner at her favorite spot. For dessert, probably a local bakery then we'd end the night getting as physical as she would like."
Ritz Williams
Courtesy of Ritz Williams
Age: 32
Occupation: Licensed Barber & Stylist
Hobbies/Interests: Finding good soul food places, spoken word poetry, and go-karting
Zodiac Sign: Gemini
Relationship Status: "I'm single officially, but depending on who's asking that's how that goes."
What attracts him to a woman...
"If she's smiling or not. I think that the most attractive thing about a woman to me is her smile. I like people with good energy. And you can tell alot about someone based off whether they're smiling or they're frowning. Or even if they want to be approached."
"I think the most attractive thing about a woman to me is her smile."
What keeps him interested...
"It would probably be who she's around. What are her friends doing around her, how is she acting? If her friends are being wild and crazy, is she being wild and crazy? And if she is, is that something I want to get to know more about? Or is she the shy one in the group? It depends on who she's around--not that I judge--but I base it off of where I see someone fitting into my life."
How he knows he's ready to commit...
"The point where we get past exchanging phone numbers, I've already decided I'm going to pursue this person. I never really start at a casual place because I don't casually exchange my phone number with anybody. I don't casually invite people to my home, I don't casually go out on dates. I don't do anything casual, everything I do has intention. I don't date people just to have fun. And if I see someone that I like, then my intention is to get to know that person and put forth the effort. Now I've always been a one-woman, loyal person. So I'm not really into dating several people at once. So it's kind of easy for me, if I go out of my comfort zone to approach somebody, once things click and our energies match up--then I've already decided that I'm going to pursue this. And the moment she meets me at that level, that's when it's committed."
"I don't do anything casual, everything I do has intention. I don't date people just to have fun. And if I see someone that I like, then my intention is to get to know that person and put forth the effort."
His stance on courtship...
"I don't think it's dead, I think it's evolved though. It's evolved into having an open mind of what courtship means to someone else. Back in the day, courtship was: nice guy, or not-so-nice guy sees a girl, goes after her and does all these grand gestures. And he may or may not end up with her. But now it's like men and women both realize that their worth and their time is important. When it comes to courtship though, speaking for myself--I have no problem going after someone. But if I'm not met with the same energy or I feel like you don't see the same value in me as I see in you, then at that point I'm like, 'I don't want to do this.' But if you hold value in someone, then you should treat them like you do. That's a part of courtship for me, showing equal interests."
His top three relationship must-haves...
"Confidence, patience, and a sense of humor."
His idea of the best Valentine's Day date...
"It would definitely include go-karts, definitely include cheesecake, and I like soul food but my favorite food is lasagna. So a nice lasagna, a fine go-cart, laser tag or live music, followed by dessert at home and quality time with my girl would literally be perfect for me."
Norman Towns
Courtesy of Norman Towns
Age: 34
Occupation: Actor
Hobbies/Interests: Drawing and painting, playing basketball, and building house decor
Zodiac Sign: Capricorn
Relationship Status: Single
What attracts him to a woman...
"On social media, the only thing that would attract me would be what's on their stories. Their page is just something else but whatever they post on their stories, that gives you insight into who they are and what they like to do for fun. You can see more of their personality and how they move throughout the day. If I'm out, then it would be her eyes. I stare at someone's eyes, that tells me something."
What keeps him interested...
"Their interaction with me within our conversation. You can kind of tell within the dialogue if they're cool or even if y'all can be friends or have an in-depth conversation."
His stance on courtship...
"I don't think it's completely dead, but I think it's 80 years old and on its way out. We live in such a systemized world where it's so narcissistic, and people are really out for themselves. And as a result, a lot of people are doing things--not because they want to do it--but because they're trying to protect themselves from that hurt. We're so guarded. So I dont think it's all the way dead or even wrong. But the society that we live in and the accessibility that we have, we've lost that balance needed for courtship."
His top three relationship must-haves...
"I need a woman who has taken the time to love herself. A lot of times, men and women get into relationships to fill certain voids because we're not happy with who we are by ourselves.But if you don't love yourself, then it's almost impossible for you to love me. I also need someone that's a team player and who understands we're not competing with each other, we're completing each other. And lastly,she has to have a good spiritual foundation."
His idea of the best Valentine's Day date...
"I would go to a museum because it's fun to just talk and I wouldn't say we'll go to an expensive restaurant. But we'll go to a restaurant that she loves."
Andra Fuller
Courtesy of Andra Fuller
Age: "Grown"
Occupation: Entertainer, Actor, Producer, & Soon-To-Be Director
Hobbies/Interests: Traveling, football, & being active and outdoors
Zodiac Sign: "A lovely Gemini"
Relationship Status: "SINGLE single"
How he prefers to meet a woman...
"I'm definitely a more organic person. I would preferably like to meet someone in person. I also take into consideration the place in which you meet somebody, I factor in the environment as well. I wouldn't want to meet somebody at a club or at a certain type of event; but I would prefer to meet them out and about on a natural type of vibe."
What attracts him...
"Their perceived personality. You can't gauge somebody's personality if you never talk to them, but one thing that social media does allow you to do is get a pretty accurate representation of it. A pretty face and a nice body and a nice smile--all those things are good too. But what separates that pretty face from the next one?"
What keeps him interested...
"Our mutual-ness. I hate to be cliche but if the vibe is good, and we mesh well, and her interests seem to meet my interests--then that kind of gives you the green light to further pursue. Sometimes it doesn't always work but you know."
How he knows he's ready to commit...
"The tell-tale sign would be if you can see a future with that person. And you're willing to let things progress naturally to take things to the next level. Because let's be real, once you're past the age of 35, nobody's trying to play games. But that doesnt mean everything has to be so serious. And that's not just men or just women, that's universal across the board. If you let things progress organically then maybe you could start seeing some wife potential and some husband potential."
His stance on courtship...
"It's not dead and it shouldn't be dead. The unfortunate thing is, not a lot of men know how to court a woman. This generation just doesnt value it as much and a lot of people aren't up to par when it comes to courting in relationships."
His top three relationship must-haves...
"A sense of humor and fun because I'm a goofy person. Intelligence, I find that very sexy. And then she has to be loving. It's a good feeling to know that the person you're involved with has unconditional love for you and that's rare. I've experienced it before and it was beautiful."
Featured image via Andra Fuller
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Featured image by Shutterstock
Not to mention the fact that so many folks literally don’t read (you know, past skimming) anymore — and yes, I have stats to prove it. I recently read that back in 2022, reportedly, a little over 48 percent of people read one book over the course of that entire year (that is not a good thing and proves that book reading is on a steady decline). Meanwhile, the amount of time that is spent on social media: 2.5 hours on a daily basis. That’s 150 minutes of listening to folks just say…whatever. And if you listen to it long enough, you could actually start believing it as gospel.
This includes what I am going to touch on today: the belief that if someone really cares about you, they should constantly reassure you. Y’all damn near are gonna have me join the world of social media again, just to address this one fallacy. For now, though, I’ll settle for making some points via this article — because as you can see from the title, I don’t agree with that conclusion at all.
In fact, I personally believe that thinking this way is a pretty big relational orange — if not red — flag.
Reassurance. And What It Does for a Child.
GiphyIf you’ve read enough of my content, you know that I am big on word definitions — and when it comes to the word “reassurance,” the meaning alone explains why this article has the title that it does:
Reassurance: something, such as information, praise, or an action or gesture, that soothes, comforts, or restores to confidence
Reassurance restores confidence. Bookmark that, please. I will certainly circle back to that point before I am done.
Okay, so when it comes to, say a child, there is absolutely a place for reassurance. That’s because they are still in the process of significant self-development and so they need reassurance in order to feel safe, secure and loved. It’s also a way for them to establish trust in others.
However, did you know that many mental health experts say that if a child deals with, say anxiety, constant reassurance can actually be counterproductive because they can start to rely on external validation to emotionally stabilize them instead of learning how to remain calm and relaxed on their own (yeah, bookmark that too)? Some other ways that constant reassurance can become potentially problematic is it can cause kids to create problems that don’t exist, to overthink and to jump to the wrong conclusions (hmm…very interesting).
And so, already, we’re seeing something pretty interesting, right? Although reassurance has its place, too much of it, even for kids, typically ends up doing more harm than good.
Let’s keep building.
How 'Lack' As a Child Can Manifest As an Adult
GiphyOkay, so we just touched on how constant reassurance can be counterproductive for an anxious child. Now what about when that child grows up? If they never learned how to properly and effectively deal with their anxiety, what then? Well, this is where attachment styles can very easily come into play — especially since one of them is literally called “anxious attachment style.”
Anxious attachment style is rooted in insecurity. It typically stems from experiencing the type of dysfunctional upbringing that resulted in one or both parents being unpredictable or inconsistent in their caregiving approach and techniques. As a result, the child deals with things like fear of abandonment or rejection and, without healing from that, they become an adult who is pretty much the exact same way.
In relationships, it can manifest in them being extra clingy, codependent, super jealous, controlling or — catch it — someone who is always looking for validation and reassurance.
Hmph. Did you catch that? Did you really catch that? Needing constant reassurance in a relationship IS NOT something that should automatically come with a relationship. In fact, if you’re someone who has this type of need or even expectation, there’s a really good chance that what you actually need is therapy — not for your partner to work harder to make you feel better about yourself or the relationship.
Which brings me to my next point.
Relationships Can Be Therapeutic. They Aren’t Therapy, Though.
GiphySomething that some of my clients will tell you that they’ve heard me say, more than once I might add is, “PARENT and PARTNER are not palindromes.” A palindrome is a word (line, sentence, etc.) that is the same whether it is spelled backwards or forwards — and while, of course, parent and partner couldn’t qualify as being that, what I mean is there are far too many people who think that partners should pick up where parents left off and/or dropped the ball — and that is a super unhealthy approach to relationships. Come to think of it, not only is it unhealthy but really unfair as well.
This is exactly why I’m not big on phrases like “the princess treatment” in adult relationships. A princess is the daughter of a king while a queen is the wife of one. For a grown woman to expect a man to do what a father did for her as a child without accepting that as an adult, there are far more responsibilities as a wife that comes into play? Yep, that is toxic thinking.
And you know what? So is expecting your partner to overcompensate for where your father and/or mother didn’t show up in the way that they should have. That is not your partner’s fault, their role or their assignment while dating you. If you feel otherwise, it really is time to speak with a professional who can help you to do a bit of “reprogramming” in your thinking because, for you to feel and/or assume that since your parents didn’t make you feel confident and secure or teach you how to value yourself, your partner should work overtime to make up for it? There is not one thing that is healthy, mature or emotionally solid about having that type of mindset.
And that is why I am also good for saying that, although relationships can be therapeutic (healing), they should never EVER be seen as therapy. Therapists are trained to deal with the mental and emotional challenges that people have. On the other hand, no one should expect their partner to have the knowledge and expertise that professionals do — and while we’re here, partners also shouldn’t trust that someone who needs the assistance of a therapist to become whole (again) would know exactly what steps are required for that to happen.
So yeah, if you’re someone who thinks that being loved means that someone needs to constantly make you feel good about yourself or secure in the relationship — you probably do have an anxious attachment style. See a professional to get that confirmed, though. Because no one should have to make you feel valued or worthy. That is an inside job.
And this brings me to my final point.
It’s Not Fair to Want Someone to Love You More than You Do
GiphyFor this last point, something that Christ once said immediately comes to mind:
“No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment; for the patch pulls away from the garment, and the tear is made worse. Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins break, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” (Matthew 9:16-18 — NKJV)
A lot of times, Christ spoke in parables because it was easier for people to get where he was coming from (Matthew 13:13). Anyway, along these lines, what would be the point in pouring a liquid into a bottle that has a hole in it? It’s not built to contain and maintain the fluid and so, no matter how delicious the drink may be, no matter how many times it’s poured into the bottle, the bottle is never going to remain full — because it has cracks in it.
BOOKMARK THAT.
My fourth baby’s daddy (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”), while we were in the process of our “exit interview” (which is what I choose to call it) of our dynamic, he said something that has always stayed with me: “Shellie, your biggest problem is you receive compliments are revelations when they should be seen as confirmations.” Hmph. The irony of HIM saying that is kind of a trip and yet, at the time when we were experiencing each other, he was exactly right. I should’ve never had such a low sense of self-worth that whatever a man said to me had me so in awe that I either felt extremely grateful or became super addicted to his validation.
And y’all, that is exactly what needing constant reassurance looks like — because why does someone need to keep telling you that you are beautiful, keep saying that you are wonderful, keep letting you know that they want to be with you — keep restoring your confidence in yourself and in your relationship with them?
In other words, why should they work harder at making you feel good about yourself and solid in your relationship than you are willing to? Isn’t that just like pouring liquid into a broken bottle?
There is someone in my family tree who I had to distance myself from because he kept venting to me about his marriage and the fact that his wife was just like this. Sadly, it was never (and I do mean NEVER) enough that he chose her — whenever she felt some type of way about herself, here she came looking for him to fill her voids. After a couple of years of the nonstop needs for reassurance, he was worn out from doing it and I was exhausted from hearing about it. He was too scared to call her out and she was too unaccountable to get the real help that she needed. Whew. Toxic on top of toxic.
So Shellie, what are you saying — that we shouldn’t expect compliments, affirmations, support and encouragement in our relationships? Chile, if that is what you got out of this, you are choosing to think that way because that couldn’t be further from where I am coming from.
Again, you’ve got to remember what reassurance means: it’s about restoring confidence. A compliment is “an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration” yet if you already know that you are pretty, smart, funny, whatever, someone telling you that isn’t “building your confidence;” it’s cosigning on something that you are already aware of. Encouragement is about inspiring or stimulating someone and so yes, of course, the right partner is going to want to see you win in life and so they are going to offer up influence and motivation to help you — but what if they aren’t there?
Shouldn’t you be able to encourage yourself? ABSOLUTELY. However, expecting them to restore your confidence due to things that have nothing to do with them or because you simply lack self-confidence? That is not how relationships are to go. If you aren’t sure of yourself (which is a foundational definition of confident), get to the root of why and then figure what you need to do to become sure — that way, your partner doesn’t have to constantly “fill you up;” actually, what they do will be surplus instead of void-filling because your “bottle” will be unbroken.
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I’m telling you, if you pay attention to the relationship side of socials, at least twice a day, someone will talk about how they think that a relationship should entail receiving constant reassurance. Lies on top of lies. No one should think that love means trying to make someone else feel sure about themselves because they don’t know how to do so on their own.
And this is why I say that expecting constant reassurance is an orange, if not red, flag.
Because when you already feel good about yourself, there is no need.
And if you don’t, figuring out how to is an inside job — FIRST.
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