
Exclusive: How A Season Of Solitude & Self-Work Set The Tone For Melanie Fiona’s Marriage

Grammy-award-winning singer and songwriter, Melanie Fiona says that her story with her husband, fellow singer, and songwriter, Jared Cotter is her favorite love story. Describing it as having all the makings of a romantic comedy, their relationship involves “real introspective lessons of growth and self-awareness.” Following a year and a half of doing intense and intentional, spiritual work, the Canadian native decided that it was time to meet her person. What she didn’t know was that on her way to a songwriting retreat in the Caribbean, she would meet Jared.
They began dating shortly after returning to New York. However, less than a year into their relationship, Melanie made the difficult decision to break up with Jared, a decision she didn’t want to make but needed to so that Jared could be sure of where he wanted to be. Six months into their break-up, Jared made his way back to Melanie more evolved and confident in how he wanted to show up for her and what she meant for him in his life.
Since then, the two have welcomed two children, gotten married, and recently shared their love story on OWN’s Black Love. In this exclusive with xoNecole, Melanie Fiona shares what she did to manifest Jared, why Black women should stop holding onto potential, and how their six-month break shifted her and Jared’s relationship dynamic.
xoNecole: After a year and a half of not dating, what were some areas you focused on and things you did to manifest Jared?
Melanie Fiona: I think the main thing that I did was say it out loud. And I said it to one of my very good friends. I said it in such a way that I woke up and was very clear about it. Once I was clear, my body, my life, and my mind began preparing for it. I had already stopped dating and sharing my body with men who were not committed partners to me. I stopped going on dates just to fill my time with company and casual conversation. I told myself that I wasn’t going to pick up the phone and call that ‘on reserve’ dude just to have a conversation because I was bored or sad or lonely.
I started valuing my time, my energy, my body, my love, my generosity, and grace for myself more than ever. I realized that I was not preserving myself for me or who deserved me. And so the minute I started operating from that space, I woke up and was ready to meet someone. I said it so clearly and just operated from a space of openness and positivity and self-love and self-value.
Courtesy of Melanie Fiona
"I started valuing my time, my energy, my body, my love, my generosity, and grace for myself more than ever. I realized that I was not preserving myself for me or who deserved me. And so the minute I started operating from that space, I woke up and was ready to meet someone."
My mantra for that year was “Happy, Healthy, Creative.” And it guided me in every area of my life, even when it came to working. Because I had these affirmative words, I had this clear direction of where I saw myself going. And I think the universe or God heard me and saw that I was doing the work and willing to set boundaries for myself with other people. I was living an obedient life that would create space for healthy love and healthy relationships and happiness to come in beautiful, creative opportunities.
Any opportunity that fit in that “Happy, Healthy, Creative” box, I was going for it. And so because the opportunity came up to do this camp on this island, that checked all of my affirmative boxes, I went for it. I had no fear. And lo and behold, that’s where I met Jared.
xoN: Did you feel that Jared was your person when you met him?
MF: I didn’t feel that he was my person, but I was taken aback by the fact that he was the first person that I could be myself with since my previous serious relationship. There were no red flags and I didn’t feel like I was playing a game of deciphering what someone says or means. Jared reminded me what it was to be authentically safe with someone. As we spent more time together, I knew there was something very important about our meeting and I knew that he could be that person.
But I also recognize that holding on to potential is a very dangerous thing for women. We see this potential of who someone could be, and we want to hold on to it and fix it and look for ways to help someone be that for us. I've done that before, but this time, I recognized that he was the person for me, but he needed to know he was the person for me. He needed to see that. I knew that Jared knew I was his person. There's no doubt about it. If you talk to him, he will tell you. But he didn't have the confidence to know that he was the one for me and that's the difference.
Courtesy of Melanie Fiona
"I knew that Jared knew I was his person. There's no doubt about it. If you talk to him, he will tell you. But he didn't have the confidence to know that he was the one for me and that's the difference."
I'll say that it didn't happen instantaneously, but once everything started going. I was like, “Oh no, this is him.” And so when I had to break up with him, it was the hardest breakup I think I've ever had. I had never released someone in love. I had always broken up with somebody due to something tumultuous or dramatic or at a breaking point. I had done so much spiritual work to understand what healthy attachments were and understood that if things are truly meant to be they will be. But I was sending away my person.
I did the work, I was in the right place. I knew what we shared. I knew what we had been through. But I had to let him go because his learning process couldn’t be at the expense of my feelings and he understood that. It was the biggest act of selflessness and self-love at the same time. But I had an odd sense of peace and trusted that I was making the best decision for me.
However, deep down inside, I was hoping that we would always come back.
xoN: Did you ever have any doubts that the two of you wouldn’t find your way back?
MF: It's interesting. I feel like I had closed the door but I knew that I had a crack in it for Jared. I knew inside that I would leave this door open for him. I was like if he comes back and he comes back right, this door is open for him. It was never shut completely.
I always knew that there was more for our story. I didn't know how or when it would present itself, but I'm very grateful that it was only six months. On the outside, I had to move and live and treat him and the whole situation–even amongst our mutual friends–like we were moving on. But on the inside, I knew there was more.
xoN: You previously said that as women we sometimes hold on to potential or look for ways to fix someone. Why would you say that it is important for women to let go of potential and stand firm in their boundaries in relationships?
MF: I think that Black women have enough to fight with every day for their existence. Just to exist as a strong, beautiful, Black, intelligent, established woman. As Black women, we go through so much individually and I feel like you have to set boundaries for yourself to honor your value when you know what you have to offer.
Holding on to potential or trying to fix it comes from a place of fear. I think it’s a bit of trauma response and feeling like you can't or won’t do any better. Sometimes as Black women, we take what we can get and [don't] get upset. Also, I just think Black women in general are nurturers. We have this insane and beautiful ability to come in and fix and nurture and gather and just want to take care of people. And it's depleted us over time. We see it in our mothers and our grandmothers and hear how tired they are at the end of the day from doing so much.
Courtesy of Melanie Fiona
"As Black women, we need to honor the fact that that is our superpower. That we can come in and fix and help but we can't do it in spaces that deplete us or that abuse us or take advantage of us. They have to be healthy, reciprocated environments where we're growing together. It can't be at the expense of our emotions."
I think that as Black women, we need to preserve what we know is our light and our power, and we need to always make sure that everyone sees us for that, honors it, and doesn’t take advantage of it. Because some of these dudes also want to be taken care of because of what they go through daily and are looking for somebody to come and help them through it.
As Black women, we need to honor the fact that that is our superpower. That we can come in and fix and help but we can't do it in spaces that deplete us or that abuse us or take advantage of us. They have to be healthy, reciprocated environments where we're growing together. It can't be at the expense of our emotions. It cannot be at the expense of our feelings and our happiness in the situation.
xoN: How did you come to know what your superpower was as far as what you brought to your relationship?
MF: It came through spiritual work. Through understanding the higher vibrational version of myself, and knowing that I'm very powerful with my words. I'm very powerful with my love. I can change things. I can make things happen for myself when operating from a place of self-love because it allows you to just know what is working within that vibration or is not. It comes with work, it comes from really knowing yourself and understanding. Are you ignoring what your inner voice is screaming at you right now? Or are you letting it lead and trusting it and are you going with yourself?
I knew that when there was high vibration because I could feel the difference. I could see the difference in myself. I knew that I had pure love to offer someone because I had done the work for myself. And I was in a place to do so.
Courtesy of Melanie Fiona
"I used to tell Jared that I expected exceptional love because that was what I had to offer. I know that the place in which I like to operate in love may not necessarily fit everyone's parameters or description of what a healthy relationship looks like, but I know what it looks like for me and it feels like going above the norm."
I used to tell Jared that I expected exceptional love because that was what I had to offer. I know that the place in which I like to operate in love may not necessarily fit everyone's parameters or description of what a healthy relationship looks like, but I know what it looks like for me and it feels like going above the norm. It feels it's going above standard and expected. It operates a little bit higher, a little bit more mindful. It operates a little bit more intentionally. And that's kind of the way that I feel like I've found my superpowers in all areas of my life.
xoN: Given everything that you and Jared have gone through in your relationship as far as breaking up and getting back together, how has that changed the dynamic within your relationship and how do you intend on using that to set an example for your children?
MF: The thing that we hold on to is that we made a choice. We chose to be here. We didn't get thrown into the situation. We made an absolute mindful choice to choose one another. And that's the thing that I hope more people start to think about in their relationships. By making that choice, the foundation of our union, every other choice has to honor that one. That's how we navigate our relationship now.
Courtesy of Melanie Fiona
"We chose to be here. We didn't get thrown into the situation. We made an absolute mindful choice to choose one another. By making that choice, the foundation of our union, every other choice has to honor that one. That's how we navigate our relationship now."
My husband and I are very affectionate. We love each other. And my son sees that. But the other day, he said something about getting married. I asked him if he knew what it meant to be married and he paused and said, “To be happy.” Jared, we looked at each other, and I realized we were doing it right because our six-year-old could define marriage. And that’s the goal.
I think most parents want their kids to feel that their union is healthy and happy and loving. And that was one of those confirmations along the way that reminded me we were doing something right. But again, we intentionally chose one another. And we take our actions in the way that we lived individually and together to honor that choice.
For more of Melanie, follow her on Instagram @melaniefiona.
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Racquel Coral is an experienced lifestyle writer focusing on self-love, growth, body positivity, and profiles of Black-owned businesses and community heros. Her work can be found here, and she can be found on all social media platforms @withloveracquel.
Eva Marcille On Starring In 'Jason’s Lyric Live' & Being An Audacious Black Woman
Eva Marcille has taken her talents to the stage. The model-turned-actress is starring in her first play, Jason’s Lyric Live alongside Allen Payne, K. Michelle, Treach, and others.
The play, produced by Je’Caryous Johnson, is an adaptation of the film, which starred Allen Payne as Jason and Jada Pinkett Smith as Lyric. Allen reprised his role as Jason for the play and Eva plays Lyric.
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
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Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Vaginas. When it comes to the act of sex, have you ever really stopped to think about all that it goes through? Just think about it — when you’re not having sex, your vagina is just minding its business while in a relatively state of perfect peace. When you are having sex, though, suddenly it’s getting penetrated, at different levels of pressure and speeds, for minutes on end. And based on how the night is going — wink, wink — it might experience that over…and over…and over again.
I’m not saying that your vagina doesn’t like it. I’m simply saying that it goes through a lot during those moments of copulation — and sometimes, it’s without the pre- (check out “15 Pre-Sex Rituals That Could Make Sex A LOT More Pleasurable”) and post-care that it not only needs but truly deserves.
So, in honor of all that our vagina’s go through during coitus, I wanted to shout out four things that you should do for “her” before you have sex and four other things that you should do once the get down is over — things that will make her (and ultimately you) feel so much better about what transpires…during.
Before Sex Tip #1: Your Vagina Wishes You Wouldn’t Shave
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My waxer and I are going to come to low-key blows in a minute if she doesn’t keep trying to take more and more hair away from my pubic mound. LOL. Me? I’m someone who likes my bikini line to be cleaned up; however, I prefer to not go completely bald. If you’re someone who is on the fence, something that may sway you over to my side of things is the fact that there is plenty of data out here that says pubic hair can help to decrease your chances of contracting an STI/STD.
One reason is that hair (everywhere) helps to protect you. Another is because, if you happen to shave or wax and then have sex 12-24 hours later, and your partner does have an STI/STD, there could be mild abrasions or cuts that could make it easier for what they have to be transmitted to you.
Listen, I’m all about a well-manicured treasure box happening — just make sure that you “handle that” a couple of days before sex…not mere hours before.
Before Sex Tip #2: Your Vagina Wishes You Wouldn’t Avoid Washing Your Hands
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It’s kind of hard to have sex without using your hands. That said, if fingers are gonna be all up and around “her,” they need to be as clean as possible, so that bacteria doesn’t end up pissing her off. This means that if your nails are long, you need to use a nail brush to dig up underneath them. This means that if he goes to the bathroom right before coming into the bedroom, he should wash his hands.
This also means that if you like to be on the adventurous side and bring “sex condiments” into the picture during foreplay (check out “12 'Sex Condiments' That Can Make Coitus Even More...Delicious”), and there is stuff all over your fingers, hands should be washed then too. The main reason for the last one is food has a way of throwing off your vagina’s pH balance — and, whenever that happens, it can lead to an infection. And who the hell wants that, chile?
Before Sex Tip #3: Your Vagina Wishes You Wouldn’t Drink Too Much
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When you get a chance, do your vagina a favor and check out “Turns Out Sober Sex Might Be The Underrated Secret To Better Orgasms.” When you’ve got too much alcohol in your system, not only could it potentially cloud your judgment, but it can also tank your libido, decrease how much natural lubricant your body produces, and it can make it harder for you to climax as well.
As far as the lube part goes, the issue with that is alcohol dehydrates you, and let me tell you, there are few things worse than trying to have great sex with a dry va-jay-jay. All of that friction damn near feels like broken glass (not exactly but…close). Ugh. So, a glass of wine or a shot of Casamigos? Cool. Throwin’ back an entire bottle? Yeah, let’s not.
Before Sex Tip #4: Your Vagina Wishes You Wouldn’t "Forget" to Use Condoms
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If you want to significantly decrease your chances of experiencing an unwanted pregnancy or an STI/STD, you need to use a condom — not sometimes, not partly during sex…each and every time and from start to finish when it comes to copulation. To this day, when used flawlessly, condoms continue to be 98 percent effective (around 87 percent effective otherwise). Not only that but if you are having sex with a new partner for the first time, his sperm/semen has the potential to throw your vagina’s pH off and that could lead to itchiness, irritation and/or some type of infection.
Look, I don’t know one person on this planet who thinks that wearing a condom feels better than “going raw.” Still, unless you want to get pregnant or you want to do a crap shoot with your health (at a time when STIs/STDs are on the rise, by the way), do you and your vagina a favor and bring condoms into the mix. Speaking of condoms (and your vagina), check out “These Are The Kinds Of Condoms Your Vagina Would Actually Prefer,” so that using them can be as pleasant of an experience as possible.
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After Sex Tip #1: Your Vagina Wishes You Wouldn’t “Mingle” with Sex Toys
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Okay, so when it comes to “after sex,” I think that pretty much all of us can vouch for the fact that sometimes sex doesn’t stop so much as it…pauses. And during that refractory period, it can be common for one or both partners to do things that will help to keep the juices flowing (umm, so to speak). Thing is, if your sex toys have been moving around from place to place, this means that bacteria, fungi, or even viruses can be transmitted.
So, after the first sex romp, please wash your sex toys before inserting them, umm, elsewhere. Then, once you’re completely done, thoroughly clean and dry them and put them away. For tips on how to do this, based on the material that they are made out of, check out Self’s “How to Clean Your Sex Toys So You Can Use Them Safely.”
After Sex Tip #2: Your Vagina Wishes You Wouldn’t Hold Your Pee In
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Although I am a childhood sexual abuse survivor, when I stepped onto my college’s campus for the first time, I was pretty green about a lot of things when it came to sex. That’s why it threw me off when my freshman year suite mates were trying to convince me that holding urine in during sex intensifies orgasms. Chile…if y’all are out here doing that, that explains why there seems to be an uptick in squirting (some of y’all will catch that later — LOL).
Anyway, what I do know, as far as pee goes, is you should definitely release it after intercourse. According to science, making sure to use the bathroom after sex can help to push out germs and bacteria that may try to get caught up in your urethra, ones that could ultimately lead to a urinary tract infection (UTI).
After Sex Tip #3: Your Vagina Wishes You Wouldn’t Use Harsh Cleansing Products
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It can never be said enough that vaginas are self-cleaning — this means that, even after sex, yours does not need the assistance of douching or you attempting to “clean it out” with some sort of over-the-top body wash or heavily fragranced soap. All that will do is disrupt the pH of your vagina. As far as your vulva — the outer part of your vagina — goes, even that doesn’t need you to go overboard.
Some warm water and a mild, unscented soap are really all that you need, especially since you may have some mild abrasions due to the friction of the sexual experience. Oh, and if you are doing the most, thinking that you can get sperm/semen out of you — that’s not how it works. Once it enters your body, it’s gotta leave in its own time (which tends to be no longer than 5-7 days).
After Sex Tip #4: Your Vagina Wishes You Wouldn’t Put Panties (Back) On
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Even though men have told me that they feel more comfortable with putting a pair of drawers on after having sex, that doesn’t mean that you should automatically follow suit. I mean, unless you plan on getting right into the shower (and fully drying off afterwards), there is probably sweat and other fluids that could be a breeding ground for an infection if you decide to immediately put on panties, lingerie, or some other type of tight-fitting clothing on.
So, stay naked — at least from the bottom down. It’ll give your vagina (and vulva) some time to catch its breath and actually breathe. Yes, literally.
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Without your vagina, sex would suck. LOL. And so, the least you could do is implement these eight tips as a way to show your appreciation. They’re simple things that can make a big difference in how your vagina feels — about sex and you before, during and after it. #wink
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