A lazy man works twice as hard, and according to Issa Rae, a procrastinating woman will secure twice the bag. The 34-year-old Insecure creator recently spoke at POPSUGAR's Play/Ground event and spilled the secret sauce on how to be a self-made mogul from the ground-up and honey, we are taking notes.
Here are three things we learned about being a boss and creating a successful career from scratch.
Embrace Your Doubt
One thing that keeps Issa Rae focused and overflowing with ideas is self-doubt. Issa pointed out that it's important to know your worth, but it's also important to stay on your toes. Pressure makes diamonds, and Issa Rae applies that pressure all damn day:
"Doubting myself is what drives me. A part of me hates being underestimated but loves to be underestimated because I'm driven by proving people wrong. That's the Capricorn in me. 'Oh, you don't think I can do this? Let me show you.' There's so much fun in that."
Never Limit Yourself
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The most important thing to have when on the chaotic quest to achieving your wildest dreams is intention. God has blessed us all with a number of talents, and it's a total waste of his gifts to only focus on one. According to Issa Rae, as she continues to progress in her career, she never limits herself when it comes to what's next. She said:
"I always think about what I want to do next. I want to be able to create other people's projects, finance other people's projects, have a studio, [and] do things outside of entertainment. I don't like being limited. That is my worst nightmare. I want to be able to flex other muscles and see what else I can do."
It's OK To Procrastinate
All work and no play makes me a very dull girl, and an even sh*ttier writer. To Issa, part of her secret to overcoming a creative block is allowing herself at least one day every week to let her mind wander. She said:
"I allow myself one day a week to procrastinate because it's inevitable. Allowing myself a procrastination day makes me really, really want to work the next day because I'm like, 'Oh, I wasted a whole day' … And I'm just really more driven."
Refuse To Fall Prey To The Con Of Comparison
Procrastinating on a big deadline is much different than taking the time to clock out altogether. Self-care isn't a luxury, issa necessity, and Issa says she is adamant about making time to chill out sometimes. Log out of social media, put your phone on do no disturb, and be proud of what you've accomplished lately.
Constantly being "plugged in" can cause you to fall victim to the con of comparison, and Issa Rae shared that she can totally relate. During the chat, Issa shared the one piece of advice she would give to herself:
"I would tell her to chill — to stop comparing herself to other people. I compare myself a lot to others. Sometimes, we feel like, 'Why is that not my opportunity?' But what's meant for you is meant for only you. You get anxious. You feel like everybody's surpassing you, and everybody's doing better than you are. That's just not the case. Everybody has their own journey, and your journey is yours."
Read everything Issa had to say a POPSUGAR's Play/Ground here!
Featured image by Monica Schipper/Getty Images for POPSUGAR and Reed Exhibitions
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From Monogamy To Polyamory: 'I'm In An Asexual Poly Marriage With My Husband Of 7 Years'
Have you ever wondered what it's like to be asexual and in an open marriage? Relationship Coach Mikki Bey shared her first-hand experience with us as well as answered some of our burning questions.
Like a lot of people, Mikki met her now husband, Raheem Ali, online. As soon as they met, they instantly fell in love and got engaged on their first date. Just 90 days after they met, the couple tied the knot and have now been married for seven years. Raheem and Mikki aren’t your typical married couple, and despite being married for almost a decade, their marriage is anything but traditional. Mikki and Raheem have what she calls an "asexual polyamorous marriage."
Defining Her Sexuality
It wasn't until last summer that Mikki found the language to define her sexuality. "I didn't have the language for it until last summer," she explained to xoNecole. "Looking back, I just thought sex wasn't my thing. It was never enjoyable for me, and I'd go years without even noticing.”
Mikki always thought she was broken because she had no interest in sex. Mikki noticed after her friends came to visit and started discussing their sexual fantasies that she realized something was different about her. “At that point, I knew something was definitely different about me since I do not have sexual fantasies at all. It was truly news to me that people are at work thinking about sex! That was not my experience.” This led to Mikki researching asexuality, which she soon realized fit her to a T. “It felt like breathing new air when I was able to call it by name," said Mikki.
"Looking back, I just thought sex wasn't my thing. It was never enjoyable for me, and I'd go years without even noticing it."
Asexuality refers to people who experience little or no sexual attraction, experience attraction without acting on it sexually, or experience sexual attraction differently based on other factors. Like most things, asexuality falls on a spectrum and encompasses many other identities. It's important to remember, however, that attraction and action are not always synonymous: some asexuals may reject the idea of sexual contact, but others may be sex-neutral and engage in sexual activity.
It's possible that some asexuals will have sex with someone else despite not having a libido or masturbating, but others will have sex with a partner because it brings a sense of connection.
From a Traditional Marriage to Kitchen Table Polyamory
Although Mikki never really had a high sex drive, it wasn’t until after the birth of her son, that she noticed her sex drive took a real nosedive. “I never had a high sex drive, but about a year after my son was born, I realized I had zero desire. My husband has a high sex drive, and I knew that it would not be sustainable to not have sex in our marriage at that time.”
She was determined to find an alternative to divorce and stumbled upon a polyamory conversation on Clubhouse. Upon doing her own research, she brought up the idea to their husband, who was receptive. “It’s so interesting to me that people weigh sex so heavily in relationships when even if you are having a ton of sex, it’s still a very small percentage of the relationship activity," Mikki shared.
They chose polyamory because Mikki still wanted to be married, but she also wanted to make sure that Raheem was getting his individual needs and desires met, even if that meant meeting them with someone else. “I think that we have been programmed to think that our spouses need to be our 'everything.' We do not operate like that. There is no one way that fits all when it comes to relationships, despite what society may try to tell you. Their path to doing this thing called life together may be different from yours, but they found what works for them. We have chosen to design a marriage that works for us,” Mikki explained.
"We have chosen to design a marriage that works for us. We both consent to each of us having everything from casual sex partners to lifetime partners if it should go there. We believe love is abundant and do not limit ourselves or each other on how we express it."
She continued, “We both consent to each of us having everything from casual sexual partners to lifetime partners if it should get there. We believe love is abundant and do not limit ourselves or each other on how we express it. Our dynamic is parallel with kitchen table poly aspirations.”
Kitchen table polyamory (KTP) is a polyamorous relationship in which all participants are on friendly terms enough to share a meal at the kitchen table. Basically, it means you have some form of relationship with your partner’s other partner, whether as a group or individually. A lot of times, KTP relationships are highly personal and rooted in mutual respect, communication, and friendship.
Intimacy in an Asexual Polyamorous Marriage
Mikki says she and her husband, Raheem, still share intimate moments despite being in a polyamorous marriage. “Our intimacy is emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and physical, although non-sexual. We are intentional about date nights weekly, surprising and delighting each other daily, and most of all, we communicate our needs regularly. In my opinion, our intimacy is top-tier! I give my husband full-body massages, mani-pedis and make sure I am giving him small physical touches/kisses throughout the day. He is also very intentional about showing me his love and affection.”
Raheem and Mikki now use their lives as examples for others. On their website, thepolycouplenextdoor.com, they coach people interested in learning how to be consensually non-monogamous. “We are both relationship coaches. I specialized in emotional regulation, and Raheem specializes in communication and conflict resolution. The same tools we use in our marriage help our clients succeed in polyamory."
Mikki advises people who may be asexual or seeking non-monogamy to communicate their needs openly and to consider seeking sex therapy or intimacy coaching. Building a strong relationship with a non-sexual partner requires both empathy and compassion.
For more of Mikki, follow her on Instagram @getmikkibey. Follow the couple's platform on Instagram @thepolycouplenextdoor.
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