

4 Lessons I Learned From Losing Friends
Considering it's the year of the woman, we haven't been short of inspiring suggestions and tips on how to drop toxic friends or be even better ones. But what about those times when we're the ones who have actually been the friend that was toxic and didn't make the cut in our now ex-friend's "new year, new me" stance?
Yes, I've been that friend. While it's been a while since it's happened to me, I've been there. And sometimes there's this status quo that we're bad people because we didn't get the hint or didn't realize we were still growing. But in essence, while having a friend pull away from us is hurtful, there's certainly a lesson in it.
1.Do Some Self-Reflecting.
Whether she told you outright why she didn't want to be friends anymore, or you received a certain vibe that made it clear, that awkward first phase of no longer being friends is the perfect time to do a little self-reflecting. As hard as it is to admit, you could very well be the one who dropped the ball in the friendship. Whether it was not being supportive, or just not being there when she needed you the most, it's vital to look at things from her point of view. Sometimes we don't realize how we're treating other people, especially if we're going through things ourselves. We could be looking for someone to be there and support us, and not miss their multiple signals of them needing the same. That's the thing about being a friend, sometimes we have to be one even in those moments when we need it the most. I know that I've fallen short of this multiple times.
While those first moments of this lost friendship were me racking my brain about why she was "acting funny," sometimes it's better to just let it go. While we might wonder why she didn't just say something instead of cutting you off altogether, she really might have tried. That's where this self-reflecting comes in. Don't get me wrong. It's not about beating yourself up because you didn't answer your phone when she called or thinking of yourself as less than because you just weren't a good friend in some moments, it's really just about reflecting on what signals you missed and how you can become better for the friends that you do still have.
2.Forgive, Let Go, And Let God.
Having a friend ghost us is pretty painful, but you gotta forgive her sis. As tempting as it is to get those Twitter fingers rolling, this isn't the time to write subliminal messages on Facebook and Twitter (do people still do that?) trying to get her attention and share your side of the story. At the end of the day, people come into our lives for a reason, season, or a lifetime. Maybe the season of your friendship was over, and God had to show you that you weren't meant to be friends forever. As much as we want those life-long friendships we see in The Best Man, we have to be okay when that doesn't work out, even if it seemed like we didn't have anything to do with the decision and got the short end of the stick. You don't even have to let her know that you forgive her, unless the conversation comes up. If it doesn't, just make your own resolve within yourself that you're going to move forward.
3.Don’t Think You’re A Bad Person.
It's so easy to think that just because someone dropped us, we're not worthy of being a friend with anyone. You never know, she could have been going through her own thing and for whatever reason, showed her own true self to you. Just because you were the one who didn't do the ghosting doesn't mean that you're a terrible person. Even if it was because you were a bad friend, there's a lesson in it (some that might be best worked out in therapy). I've been known to be loyal to a fault. I've ignored those signs of "when someone shows you who they are believe them." Still, in those same situations, even knowing that the other person wasn't the healthiest friend for me, I never ghosted them. So when they did it to me, while it was hurtful, there was no way it was because I was a bad person. At times, you might be the friend who's dropped because your now ex-friend couldn't handle your success, or your new lifestyle if you've had a major change recently. Either way, you getting dropped doesn't mean that you're a bad person.
4.Let It Make You Better.
Once you get over the shock of losing your friend, and over the realization that it's very possible you were to blame, shake it off. I know, it sounds so minimal and so easy, yet it can make a big impact sis. Seriously. Sometimes we don't understand that losing a close friend is just as (and sometimes even more) painful than going through a breakup. But just like romantic relationships, even when you played a major part, it doesn't mean you're banned from ever having a relationship again. It just means you had to learn about yourself. Even though we might have thought we were beyond that lesson and are too old to be learning it, I completely understand being a late bloomer. At the end of day, you just have to put your life back together, reflect, and become a better person because of it. It's never too late to do that.
Related Stories:
Why I'm Okay When Certain Friendships In My Life End – Read More
Dear Queen: An Open Letter to the "Strong Friend" – Read More
How To Build A Squad of Empowering Friends – Read More
Your Best Girlfriend Just Might Be Your Soulmate – Read More
Featured image via Giphy
Charmaine Patterson is a journalist, lifestyle blogger, and a lover of all things pop culture. While she has much experience in covering top entertainment news stories, she aims to share her everyday life experiences, old and new, with other women who can relate, laugh, and love along with her. Follow Char on Twitter @charjpatterson, Instagram @charpatterson, and keep up with her journey at CharJPatterson.com .
How A Couple That Never Spoke On The Phone Answered Marriage’s Call
How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
As I move through life and experience different highs and lows, one thing that has become increasingly clear is the importance of self-love and self-worth. Now, I’m not saying it’s always easy, but I do feel like if it’s in a good place, people experience life more fully. And when it comes to love, my friend Amanda Wicks and her husband, Will Ford, are the perfect example.
Amanda may not remember this, but years ago, on one of her many visits back to Atlanta (we both went to Clark Atlanta University), she sat across from me at a dinner table and declared she was done looking for love. She was happy with who she was, and while she still desired it, it was no longer something she was chasing. “If it happens, it happens,” she said. The statement was so bold it made me quickly reroute our usual dating story catch-ups and awkwardly move to a different topic.
Well, the next time we met up, she told me she had met someone and was moving to Houston to live with him. Imagine my surprise and concern. Later, I’d find out that this decision, like so many other elements of their relationship, flowed naturally and organically. Their whole partnership has been full of peace and vulnerability.
Fast forward to today’s conversation, they’re still living together, celebrating four years of marriage, and planning to create a family. And while this stage of their story sounds generally normal, the way they got there is nothing but. Check out the "How We Met" feature below to see how a couple who never spoke on the phone and lived in different states ended up in a loving marriage full of ease, art, and authenticity.
Photo courtesy of Amanda Wicks and Will Ford
Walk me through your ‘How We Met’ story.
Amanda: We met on Instagram (laughs). He followed me first, and I followed back because he does art, and I was intrigued by that. Honestly, we followed each other for a while before we connected. But I remember one day I saw a post where he had on a Martin t-shirt that I liked, and that sparked our conversation. He ended up telling me he made the shirt and actually mailed me one. So when I got it, I made a post wearing it, and that’s where the conversation started. Since that day we’ve communicated every day since.
Will: Yeah, I initially saw her on a short-hair Instagram page and followed her because I thought she was attractive. I actually showed her to my co-workers on one of our monthly outings as an example of my “type” – something I had never done. But one thing I will say is, I noticed she had on a Nina Simone shirt in one of her photos, that’s what got me. It showed she had more depth.
I guess that answers my next question. Did you have an initial attraction to each other?
Will: (Laughs) Yeah, I did.
Amanda: For me, no. I just wasn’t looking at him through that lens. I didn’t follow him because he was attractive. I don’t follow people online because of that. I actually remember a time when we were going back and forth, and I was like, “Aye, you kinda cute.” It was a specific moment. Once I started looking through his page more often, I started to view him that way, but it still was more of an acknowledgment. We really connected primarily because of our creative interests.
So, how did it go to the next level?
Amanda: I was in Nashville, and he was in Houston. But I’m somebody where if I feel like doing something, I’m going to do it. I had been meaning to go to Houston for a while to see a friend, so I felt like it was the perfect combination of a circumstance. We had been talking a lot, and I knew I liked him as a person and really wanted to meet him, but of course, I was aware of the idea that it could blossom into more. I remember I sent him a text saying, “Would you think I was crazy if I pulled up to Houston?”
Photo courtesy of Amanda Wicks and Will Ford
What was your reply? Did you think she was crazy?
Will: In my mind, I was like, I don’t know. (Laughs) I wanted her to, though, so I wasn’t going to say yeah. It was a little wild, but I encouraged it.
Okay, so tell me about the date.
Amanda: I don’t know if you’d call it our first “date,” but the first time we met, we went to a skating rink. I was a little nervous about meeting him in person. Like, what if we don’t have chemistry – that was in the back of my head a little. But I brought my friend with me as a buffer, and thank God I did because he was so quiet the whole night. I literally can’t think of one thing he said the entire time. But the saving grace was that we had built a rapport. We reconnected the following night and were together until 5 a.m. – just sitting there talking. We ended up spending the whole weekend together.
Will: I’m socially awkward if I don’t know you. Also, before the date, I didn’t know what she sounded like or anything because, that’s another thing, we hadn’t talked on the phone. (They both really don’t like phone calls, so everything was through texts at this point.) I guess I could say I was kinda nervous, too. I had never met someone through social media, and then here I was, meeting her in person at a skating rink. I hadn’t skated in years, I was hoping I didn’t fall. But we had just been talking so much that I was open to it.
What made you want to take that risk?
Will: She has a level of authenticity that I’ve never seen in any other woman before, and once I saw her, it solidified that. I knew I wanted her around.
Amanda: I don’t think it was anything specific. It’s not hard for me to connect with people. But there were no red flags. We align across the board. That was different. We really connect on how we see the world.
"She has a level of authenticity that I’ve never seen in any other woman before, and once I saw her, it solidified that. I knew I wanted her around."
Photo courtesy of Amanda Wicks and Will Ford
Out of curiosity, what are your love languages?
Amanda: I connect with all of them. I think it just depends on what I’ve been lacking. I appreciate words of affirmation because I’m so big on actions that I like those bold statements of love, and of course, I appreciate quality time. The older I get, the more I appreciate physical touch, but that’s not something I need. With receiving gifts, I like thoughtfulness, and I like giving thoughtful gifts, too. But acts of service is for sure my biggest one. I love when someone considers me and makes my life easier. That speaks to me most.
"I love when someone considers me and makes my life easier. That speaks to me most."
Will: I think it all depends on how I’m feeling, too. But probably also acts of service. I like how Amanda will buy me deodorant when I run out (laughs). She just does so much all the time to show that I’m thought of.
At what point in your connection did y’all have the “what are we” conversation?
Will: I don’t think we ever had that convo. We never defined anything, we just kinda went with how it was going. However, I knew I wanted it to be more serious when I went to visit her. She had been coming to Houston once a month, and I went to Florida (she was there for work) to see her. I realized I felt comfortable coming into her space, too. That gave me that last little bit of whatever I needed.
Amanda: Yeah, I can’t say I had a defined moment like that. But again, as we had more and more interactions, there were just no red flags. The more we thought about it, the more we realized no matter where we went relationship-wise, we were adamant about being a part of each other’s lives. We never had the “talking to other people” conversation or anything. But we did both understand we weren’t going anywhere. Eventually, it graduated to convos around building a life together, but even that was over six months in. I just liked him as a person.
Have there been any negative revelations that your partnership and marriage have taught you about yourself?
Amanda: I’ve always felt that partnership is supposed to make the other person’s life easier. For me, it was a struggle to let someone help me in all the ways I didn’t really know I needed help. As I started having less capacity, I had to realize that it doesn't work anymore. It was hard for me to acknowledge and ask for help. I think that’s something I am still coming to terms with, even with other relationships in my life.
Will: I think I’m learning and still learning how to get out of my head. I’m the kind of person who always has to visualize stuff before it happens. And this relationship is the first thing that I don’t do that with. Of course, we plan stuff, but I know it’s gonna be good regardless. It allows me to stay in the moment. If I can do that with this, which is the most important thing to me, why can’t I do that with other things?
Photo courtesy of Amanda Wicks and Will Ford
What challenges have you faced together?
Will: For me, the preconceived challenge was living together. I’ve never lived with a woman before. Even in my previous relationship, it was long-distance. I’m also the type of person that likes my space, but as soon as she got here, that was out the window. It was so smooth it made me feel stupid for questioning it.
Amanda: I’m grateful to say we don’t necessarily have challenges between each other together. But we have been struggling with infertility and health issues. Our biggest challenge thus far is trying to get pregnant. Even articulating that makes me realize I’m grateful it hasn’t caused a rift between us. I think we have been able to face it in a healthy way. But that’s an example of how having someone else there can be helpful. I was so functional as a full-blown individual doing everything by myself.
So, in my head, I don’t need anyone, but having someone there who is happy to support me has taught me it’s okay to welcome that. It’s made us stronger because it’s taught us how we both function under duress – it’s good to know it’s not terrible (laughs).
"Our biggest challenge thus far is trying to get pregnant. Even articulating that makes me realize I’m grateful it hasn’t caused a rift between us. I think we have been able to face it in a healthy way."
What are some of the shared values that are important to your relationship?
Will: How we see life, what we’re here for, and how you’re supposed to treat people. It sounds really simple, but it’s not as common as you think.
Amanda: We value being really good people – without strings. We both don’t value money, but we value stability. So we don’t have to endure the “why are you not hustling” arguments. We were both stable people individually, and we came together. Also, we both value meaningful connections, alone time, reflection, and family. That guides us in what we do and how we build a life.
Finally, what is your favorite thing about each other?
Amanda: I’ll say one of my favorite things about him is that he’s brilliant. I view myself as a smart person, but in my head, he can do what I’m doing ten times faster. There are times I want to push myself to do stuff, and I’ll just ask him because I know he can do it. It’s incredible.
Will: My favorite thing about her is how people see her. Being a witness to how important she is to other people’s lives is amazing. Standing to the side and seeing how she affects them is really special.
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Feature image courtesy of Amanda Hicks and Will Ford
My Boyfriend Surprised Me With A Dream Birthday Trip To Greece & I Feel So Seen In Love
If my last relationship taught me anything, it’s that I was way too giving, way too understanding, way too empathetic in moments where I really should’ve put myself first. It took me two years to get over this relationship, not even because I wanted to get back with him but because I was so afraid of losing myself in someone again. I kept revisiting this relationship in my mind for all the mistakes I made, rehashing it over and over in therapy sessions caught up somewhere between “Did I do enough?” and “Why did I do so damn much?”
I remember being in a therapy session trauma-dumping all the things “I had to do” to make this relationship work, feeling like I was carrying the whole thing on my shoulders, while my then-boyfriend kept saying he wanted to make things work but wasn’t putting in the work.
More than a year after the breakup, I still felt resentment as the words fell out of my mouth, expecting my therapist to tell me I didn’t deserve that treatment. Instead, she said, “You didn’t have to do anything.”
Skrrt, what do you mean I didn’t have to do anything? She said, “Well did he ask you to do those things?” Nope. “So you saw him not meeting you halfway, and you decided to overcompensate for him, but he didn’t ask you to?” Yeah, I guess not. “Maybe that’s something to think about.”
She then went on to say that when we try to solve other people’s problems, we rob them of the opportunity to grow. His inability to meet me halfway was his responsibility, not mine. And in the process of taking on his workload when I wasn’t even asked to, I grew resentful.
And she was right, something that frustrated me about this relationship was my partner’s lack of emotional intelligence. He had destructive coping mechanisms, and if I brought it up to him, he’d end up getting angry, and I ended up crying, and the argument would suddenly devolve into him asking me why I didn’t let him be upset. And I thought I could love him through this, get him to see what I saw enough for him to fix it.
But in the end, it wasn’t mine to fix, and when he finally came around, I was checked out.
In My Mental Clarity Era
I was living in Atlanta at the time, and it so felt like everything in my life was falling apart. My relationship, my health, my career, my finances, did I mention my car was also constantly breaking down? I was so over it. I came home every day to cry it out. I decided to sell everything to my name and take a life break.
I moved to Spain to pursue my teenage dream of teaching English abroad. And it felt like shedding layers of myself that hadn’t served me for a long time, and underneath it, I found parts of myself I had lost in my relationship and new parts of myself I didn’t even know existed.
I traveled all over Europe, making new friends, memories, and connections and falling in love with myself through it all. Sipping Spanish wine on sun-soaked rooftops with friends who fed my soul, I was living.
But to be honest, I was still so afraid of dating. Afraid I hadn’t learned my lessons in love. I hid behind the pandemic, saying that’s why I wasn’t bothering to meet new people, but honestly, I didn’t want to deal with it, and I didn’t want to deal with men.
And when I did finally start dating, it felt like every encounter I was having was just confirming all my fears of men and dating. I kept attracting these emotionally unstable men. Am I the problem?
After going on a date with a fine, 6-foot, medical resident, who professed his love to me just two weeks later only to break up with me himself when I told him to slow down, I was so over it.
The change finally came when I said to myself, “I am ready for a real, long-lasting relationship, and I won’t settle or distract myself with anything less.”
Courtesy of Ambar Mejia
Getting Clear on Love
Lo and behold, as life does, later that same day, I came across a YouTube video on manifesting your dream man. Shout out to the universe, spirit, God, the algorithm, or whatever else you believe in. Whether you’re into manifesting or not, this video gave me a lot of clarity on my shortcomings and what I actually wanted. It made it much easier to go on a date and say this guy isn’t my guy.
And basically, it came down to three things:
- Addressing your limiting beliefs around dating. For me, that largely entailed believing emotionally stable, successful, loyal, interesting men worth dating existed if I wanted to find them.
- Addressing your limitations in dating. For me, this was largely around my lack of boundaries and my fear of speaking up.
- Becoming very clear on the type of person you are looking for and not just listing off a bunch of qualities but also how they make you feel in this relationship and what kind of things you do together. For me, this included words like safe, seen, heard, adored, and valued. It also included activities like traveling, getting lost in intellectual conversations, and dancing in the kitchen. And it definitely included an emotionally intelligent man.
A Special Surprise
Now, fast forward, and I am finally in a new relationship. And if he’s taught me anything, it’s that if you are a lover girl, you need to find you a lover boy. He was so intentional about getting to know me from the beginning in big and small ways.
On one of our first dates, he brought me a bouquet of sunflowers and said he noticed I had sunflowers on my phone case, so I must like them. They are, in fact, my favorite flower.
In early conversations, he asked me what’s something I feel self-conscious about in relationships, and I said, “I’ve been told I’m too emotional,” he said, “Emotional? That’s okay. If you feel like crying, I will hold you until you are ready to talk.” And, in fact, he’s never once made me feel like my emotions were too much.
He also asked me about things I loved. I said, “I love to travel. It’s my dream to have someone book a surprise trip for me and not tell me anything except what I need to pack. I love a good adventure, and I’m always planning things for others. It would be nice to have someone plan something for me.”
Several months later, sleepy-eyed at 4 a.m., I was headed to the Lisbon Airport (that’s where I live these days) with no idea where I was going. He said, “It’s going to be hot, and you’ll need some bathing suits.”
He wouldn’t let me see a single board, so I couldn’t figure out where we were going, and he had given me the worst clues. “It’s historical. It’s near a beach. And It’s within a four-hour flight from Lisbon.”
“Sooo. anywhere in Europe with a coast?” He was having a good laugh. He knew I was itching to solve the puzzle, all while not wanting to ruin my own surprise.
“Don’t worry, babe, you’re going to love it.”
Some three hours later, we landed in Greece!
Courtesy of Ambar Mejia
My Top Four Favorite Activities For An Athens City-Break
My boyfriend planned it all, right down to having someone prepped at the airport with a sign with my name on it to take us to our spot. And I was so appreciative of how much thought he put into everything. Below are some of the things he planned for us to do while in Greece and the reason he gave for choosing the activity.
Acropolis + Parthenon
“I know how much you love history, so we’re starting with the Parthenon.”
Courtesy of Ambar Mejia
Island Hopping Tour
“You kept saying how much you wanted to go on a boat, so we’re going Island hopping on a boat tour today.”
Courtesy of Ambar Mejia
Day Trip to Nafplio, Greece
“I know how much you love visiting cute little towns, and they said this is the prettiest town near Athens.”
Courtesy of Ambar Mejia
Dinner On The Kuzina Rooftop
“I knew you’d appreciate the food here.”
Courtesy of Ambar Mejia
Oh, to be seen, heard, and valued.
Sometimes, the thing you fight so hard to hold onto was just a big lesson you had to learn in a heartbreaking way. Sometimes, the heartbreak lets you rebuild something stronger and wiser.
Sometimes, when you finally let go of what could’ve, should’ve, and would’ve been, you make room for what can be.
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Featured image courtesy of Ambar Mejia