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How To Stop Having A 'Knee-Jerk Reaction' To Everything
Do you ever think back to a television show or movie that you used to really enjoy and, while you still have a powerful amount of nostalgic feelings for it, years later, you can't help but give it major side-eye?
That's how I feel about the original Beverly Hills, 90210. Although the reruns immediately take me back to when I was in high school and even college, Lord, did they have some pretty racially-ridiculous episodes (like the one that had Vivica A. Foxx in it or the one when West Beverly High was scared to have a dance with a Black high school). And where were the Black people?! OK. But I digress.
The reason why I'm bringing it up at all is because there was an episode when fine-as-he-wanna-be Brandon was dating this chick named Emily. One night, she got him on ecstasy without telling him. When he found out and broke up with her, she made up a lame reason to spend the night at his house in order to seduce him. They made out for a bit and then he stopped and told her he was done. The next day, when Emily told Brandon that she didn't believe him because of how into her he was while he was on drugs, he said something that has always stayed with me:
(Paraphrased) "Emily, that was nothing more than a physical reaction…like when your doctor hits you on the knee or something. It didn't mean anything."
Hmph. Don't get me started on how a lot of us could stand to ponder that when it comes to casual sex in general. But when it comes to the focus of this particular piece, as a pseudo-pop-off-in-recovery, there are also some of us who could live a much simpler and peace-filled life if when something or someone triggers us, we wait for the immediate impulse to pass before saying or doing anything too.
Because, like Brandon, oftentimes once the initial feeling subsides, we calm down and our common sense takes over, we tend to see the situation—or at least how to approach it—very differently. Sometimes, whatever "it" was didn't mean as much to us as our feelings first told us that it did.
If you know you are prone to have knee-jerk reactions to everything, here's what I've learned to do in order to reroute taking that kind of approach:
Relax. Relate. Release. Literally.
True A Different World fans know where the phrase "relax, relate, release" comes from—Whitley's therapist (played by Debbie Allen). In one episode, as she was expressing to Whitley that Whitley couldn't control Dwayne's feelings, only her own, the therapist introduced what we all should keep in the back of our minds whenever we're offended, anxious, or straight-up pissed: "You need to relax, relate, and release into reality."
The reality is, oftentimes us going off only makes matters worse. So, no matter what has transpired, take a moment to breathe deeply (relax), think about what's got you so heated (relate), and release as much pop-off energy as possible before saying or doing anything else.
Respond vs. React
Have mercy, the amount of drama I could've spared in my life if I had mastered this, years and years ago. Although responding and reacting might seem like the same thing on the surface, they aren't. When you're responding to something, you're reacting in a way that is favorable (a way that is positive or at least advantageous). When you're reacting, you're either reciprocating what was done to you or you're acting in opposition to something or someone. See how responding is a lot more beneficial than reacting?
Now, I'm not saying that by choosing to respond, you have to be a doormat or punk yourself out. I'm just saying that…if your co-worker says something crazy, if your boyfriend does something inconsiderate, if you and Comcast are having it out for the third time this month (SMH), take a moment to think about what you can say or do that will work in your favor rather than against it. Thinking before doing is the cornerstone wisdom of responding vs. reacting.
Remember That Nothing Is EVER Truly Deleted Online
Two reads that are worth checking are the think piece "Social Media Has Created a Generation of Self-Obsessed Narcissists" and a science-based article "Narcissism and Social Networking." They both provide some interesting food for thought that back up another reason why a lot of us are probably having more knee-jerk reactions than ever—we are constantly taking in info and commenting online. As a direct result, we've become soooooooo opinionated that we sometimes forget that other people have the right to their opinions too; that they shouldn't be cyberbullied into thinking like we do. (Narcissism is a beast, y'all.)
Back when I used to have a Facebook page, I must admit, things were pretty lively on it. It was more of a "Hey, check out this article and let's all discuss" kind of forum and one of my rules was no comment (even when folks came for me) got removed. Boy oh boy, did that lead to some pretty interesting conversations/debates/flat-out arguments.
On one hand, it was cool to see and take in so many different perspectives. At the same time, it can get really easy to be so comfortable sitting in our homes while hamming away at our keyboards that we forget we're not just talking to a handful of individuals. Unless we're inboxing or DM'ing (and even then, things are usually not as "private" as we'd like to think), there is an entire audience of other individuals who are watching (which sometimes means trolling) too. Strangers. Acquaintances. Enemies. Haters. Even bosses or prospective employers.
A wise man once said, "The internet is not written in pencil but ink." When it comes to your online activity, if you find yourself getting offended or even just feeling some type of way, walk away from your computer or put your phone down for 10 minutes or so. Listen to a favorite song or hit up a friend and vent your frustrations before you decide to type anything.
If you don't do that, while you can delete whatever your emotional reaction was, if it was inflammatory enough, there's a chance someone caught it (and saved it) before you could remove it. And shoot, even if you do remove it, when it comes to what's expressed in cyberspace, it's still around…somewhere (check out "Experts: Deleted Online Information Never Actually Goes Away").
Embrace the Sensei Power of Silence
Sometimes, when my pop-off spirit wants to rise up and take over, I'll think back to Mr. Miyagi from the original The Karate Kid. Remember how calm he was when he was teaching Daniel-san how to fight? (#waxonwaxoff) Mr. Miyagi was always so calm and soft-spoken, no matter how mad Daniel got. Why? Because he knew his own power. He didn't have to prove it.
Trust you me, lately, I have been floored by some of the nasty capabilities of human nature. But now, more than ever, I have learned that silence is not only golden, it's oftentimes the most effective approach to matters. Leonardo da Vinci once said, "Nothing strengthens authority so much as silence." Mahatma Gandhi once said, "Speak only if it improves upon the silence." Euripides once said, "Silence is true wisdom's best reply."
When you know your own strength and power, you also know how important it is to conserve it. Silence is not a weakness. It is a tried and true superpower.
Ask Yourself If You Can Stand by Your Actions a Month from Now
Because I've learned all of what I just shared, I'm going to leave the details out. But something happened to me recently that, let me just say would've had Shellie from two years ago using some of the dirty cuss words. Shellie circa 2019 is like, "I don't even feel like dealing with the fallout later." Avoiding the drama that could ensue from me "getting things off of my chest" makes it worth it to just…leave things where they are.
Back to the whole doctor hitting you on the knee thing, when something or someone gets underneath your skin, it's a natural reaction to what to do something. Don't feel bad about that part. All I'm saying is they already used up some of your precious energy and time, even if it's just internally. Before giving them even more of it, decide if you want to possibly deal with the consequence of your knee-jerk reaction a month or even a year from now. If the answer is "no," then do what you need to resolve the matter without making it bigger than it already is.
Knee-jerk reactions are understandable. More times than not, they are also totally unnecessary.
As someone who used to be the queen of doing what was unnecessary, please choose wisely, y'all.
Featured image by Getty Images.
Related Articles:
In My Feelings: Why You Can't Let Your Emotions Control You - Read More
The Empath's Guide To An Emotionally-Balanced Life - Read More
10 Things That Are Making Your Life Unnecessarily Complicated - Read More
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
How This New Bond Repair Line Transformed One Mother's Postpartum Shedding Into The Ultimate Curl Comeback
This article is in partnership with SheaMoisture
For Crystal Obasanya, her wash day woes came shortly after her son did. The beauty and lifestyle content creator had been natural for years, but during postpartum, she quickly learned about one reality many mothers can relate to experiencing: postpartum hair loss. “Sis had thinning hair. Sis had split ends,” she shared about her hair changes in a Reel via xoNecole.
Over a year into her postpartum journey, Crystal explained she also had dry, brittle hair, noting that keeping it hydrated before pregnancy had already been “a task.” The 4C natural recalled going from thick hair during pregnancy to a thin hairline due to postpartum shedding as “devastating.” When it came to strengthening and revitalizing her hair, the new SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection was just the thing she needed to elevate her damaged coils to revive and thrive status and get them poppin' again.
SheaMoisture is providing us with the cheat code for transforming dry and damaged strands into thriving and deeply nourished crowns. By unveiling their 4-step hair system, the SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is equipping you with the tools to reverse signs of hair damage caused by protective styling, heat, and color and is uniquely formulated for Type 3 and 4 hair textures.
The haircare system revives damaged natural hair by repairing and rebuilding broken hair bonds through a game-changing combination of HydroPlex Technology and AminoBlend Complex, a unique blend of fortifying amino acids formulated specifically for curly and coily hair. Scientifically proven to reduce breakage by 84% and make your hair six times stronger (vs. non-conditioning shampoo), the collection infuses your hair with the nourishment it craves and the strength it deserves.
All five products of the SheaMoisture Bond Collection are infused with natural strengthening ingredients like Amla Oil and fair-trade shea butter. The collection consists of the 4-step breakage-fighting Bond Repair system, as well as the Bonding Oil.
“When trying it out, I quickly noticed that my hair felt revived and renewed, and my curls were so hydrated,” Crystal said while using the Amla-infused Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner. “I also felt my hair strands were stronger.” So much so that the influencer felt brave enough to get her hair braided shortly thereafter. “I can definitely say that I will be keeping it in my hair wash routine,” she added in the caption of her Reel about her positive experience using the products.
SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is making bond-building a key player in your wash day routines and the purveyor of life for thirsty manes. Because who doesn't want stronger, shinier, happier hair?
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Rejuvenate your hair with SheaMoisture Bond Repair Shampoo, your go-to solution for luscious locks. Packed with hella hydration power, this shampoo adds moisture by 60% while removing buildup without stripping your strands. This shampoo gently cleanses impurities while significantly enhancing shine, smoothness, and softness.
The Bond Repair Collection Shampoo is the first step in the 4-step Bond Repair system, all of which are powered by the uniquely formulated AminoBlend, and HydroPlex, SheaMoisture’s technology that rebuilds hair strength at its core.
Step Two: Bond Repair Collection Conditioner
Tailored to repair styling damage, this creamy conditioner locks in 12x more moisture than standard non-conditioning shampoos, boosting damaged hair strength by 1.5x with significantly less breakage. The creamy SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Conditioner deeply hydrates, enhances manageability, and leaves your hair looking healthier and shinier.
Step Three: Bond Repair Collection Masque
This Ultra Moisturizing reparative masque is a moisture-rich game-changer for those dealing with the aftermath of hair damage caused by styling. The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Masque delivers 13 times more moisture compared to non-conditioning shampoos, ensuring your hair feels nourished and soft. Designed to repair and rejuvenate, this masque significantly strengthens damaged hair — making it twice as strong while reducing breakage.
Step Four: Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Conditioner
Elevate your curl game with SheaMoisture’s Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Conditioner. Lightweight and hydrating, the Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner provides 12x more moisture than non-conditioning shampoos and tames frizz with 24-hour humidity control. Designed to define curls and coils, the leave-in conditioner enhances softness and shine allowing you to detangle effortlessly.
Bonding Oil
The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Bonding Oil is a multitasking all-in-one formula that acts as a heat protectant and provides the hair with moisture, strength, shine, damage protection, and intense nourishment. This lightweight oil not only offers 24-hour frizz and humidity control but also fortifies your tresses, making them up to 5 times stronger with significantly less breakage.
Featured image courtesy
I don’t know where this year is going, but it’s flying right by! Seems like it was just yesterday that I was writing about intimacy for Valentine’s Day, and — ding! — now, Independence Day is right around the corner.
Here’s the thing about this particular holiday, though — whether it’s your favorite one or you could honestly pass on it (because you’re more of a Juneteenth person yourself), I personally think that any time there is an opportunity to get creative in the sex department, we should take full and complete advantage of it.
So, since the Fourth of July is the day when fireworks are in abundance, why not take some of that energy into your bedroom this year by applying some of the following 10 holiday-themed, fully sex-related tips?
1. Create the Mood with Some Confetti Poppers
Let’s begin with some atmosphere. Although there are sparklers that you can use indoors, if the sex is going to be even a little bit good, if you want to go along with the whole fireworks theme, you should opt for décor that can stick around for more than just a minute or two. In walks,confetti poppers. If you want to give off the fireworks feel in your bedroom, opt for the smaller ones that are traditionally used for baby showers (like thesehere). It’s a unique way to ring in the 4th right before you well…you know. #wink
2. Screw in a Fireworks Light Bulb (No Pun Intended)
Something else that you can do to create a feel of Independence Day inside of your house is to screw a fireworks light bulb in a couple of places where you plan on creating some sparks. Something that’s cool about a lot of the LED options is they give off subtle light changes without being super bright — if a romantic mood is what you’re after. Some affordable options arehere,here, andhere.
3. Try Some Fireworks Lube
It’s kind of a shame that a lot of people only think that lubricant should be used in order to get wet (or wetter) — because no matter how much or well things are flowing down below, lubricant is a welcome addition to a fun evening; that’s why I’ve written articles for the platform like “The Wetter, The Better: 10 Creative Ways To Use Lubricant”. When you get a chance, check it out. Then, once you’ve read it, get yourself someFireworks Female Arousal Gel; it’s a popular lube that contains a good amount of peppermint (the menthol sensation will be sure to be off the chain!) and glycerin. Many satisfied customers have said that it takes orgasms to a whole ‘nother level, y’all.
4. Or Apple Pie Lubricant
Speaking of lubricants, when it comes to signature foods for the 4th, outside of grilled meat, it doesn’t get too much more American than apple pie, chile. In the spirit of that, you might also want to cop yourself a tube of edible lubricant that comes in the flavor of this particular dessert like this brand here. I checked out several reviews and women said that not only does it taste pretty good, it provides a bit of a warm sensation as well. Hmph. Sounds like a good ole’ slice of apple pie to me (sans the calories and plus the climaxing — a win all the way around!).
5. Play with Some Sweet Tea Ice Cubes
As far as signature drinks go — not just on Independence Day but the summer, in general — is there anything more popular than sweet tea? Southern home-brewed sweet tea, at that? This Fourth of July, when it comes to your bedroom activities, pour some tea into a couple of ice trays, freeze them, and then pull aMookie and Tina (shout-out to the Do the Right Thing movie). Temperature play can definitely increase your stimulation levels; plus, since the tea is sweet, it can be a really nice and unexpected foreplay surprise.
6. Invest in a Popsicle Vibrator
Speaking of temperature play, if you want to bring a sex toy or two into the mix, why not a popsicle (since that’s pretty popular this time of year, too) vibrator like this onehere? Take the thrill up a notch by applying one of the flavored lubes to it, freezing it, and then using it…however you plan to. I bet you'll never see a popsicle quite the same way again! #wink
7. Or a Strawberry Shortcake Egg
A summertime dessert that many people just can’t seem to get enough of isstrawberry shortcake. On the sex tip, that’s cool to know because, not only are strawberriesin season right about now, but they are also considered to be abona fide aphrodisiac. That’s because the high amount of vitamin C that is in them can help to keep your libido in great condition. Well, as you’re enjoying some shortcake or strawberries and whipped cream in a more creative kind of way (eh hem), another sex toy option is a Strawberry Shortcake Egg (here). It literally looks like a strawberry, it’s waterproof and fast-charging and it has 20 different vibrating functions. Awesome!
8. Get into the Fireworks Sex Position
I’m telling you, if you’re tired of doing the same go-to sex moves, cyberspace has a ton of sex position options for you to choose from. For instance, did you even know that there is a sex position known as “fireworks”? Now, I won’t lie — you need to be semi-flexible and have some solid upper arm strength (both of you) in order to really pull it off. Yet, from what I gather, the grinding possibilities, coupled with the direct eye contact, could make for a truly memorable time. You can see the position for yourself here.
9. Go Outdoors
Most Independence Day activities happen outdoors, right? Why not take your sexual escapades out there, too, by either having sex in your car or in a tent in your backyard (so long as it's nighttime, of course)? Or, you could stay inside; the workaround is to book a room at a hotel and get up on a really high floor so that you can engage in some coitus in front of a window without worrying about if someone is (really) going to see you. It’s a surefire way to pull the exhibitionist out in you — that’s for damn sure!
10. And Enjoy a Lil’ “Sex in the Driveway”
It’s not a myth that alcohol can play a role in making sex better — so long as it’s consumed in moderation. In fact,many studies say that a drink or two can make you feel sexier, can sometimes make sex last longer, and for some, it can intensify orgasms as well. So, if you’re looking for a creative cocktail for you and your bae to enjoy this coming holiday, have you ever tried a Sex in the Driveway before? It’s a beautifully blue drink that contains vodka, Blue Curaçao, Peach Schnapps, and Sprite (recipehere). Since you’re gonna be outside for a little while anyway, why not consume something that focuses on that very theme? Happy Fireworks and Fourth, y’all!
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