

Well damn. Who would've thought that the topic of shower sex would be so complex? On one hand, while some reports indicate that over 70 percent of men want to engage in shower sex, I also noticed that 80 percent of non-sport related injuries are usually due to something that has to do with sexual activity—the kind that oftentimes happens in the shower. When I asked some people who I personally know to share their thoughts on the topic, many women told me that the idea of shower sex turns them on; however, whenever they've tried it, things seemed more crowded and awkward than anything else.
While I definitely roll my eyes whenever I see a sex in the shower scene in a movie or on television, it's not because I think that great shower sex is impossible; it's because I think the way that it's usually presented is mad unrealistic (that goes for most sex scenes, to tell you the truth). For starters, there is some intentional pre-shower sex shopping that needs to be done. Secondly, shower sex isn't really meant to be spontaneous. You need to plan out what's gonna go down on the front end. If you do that by taking the 12 tips that I've got for you today into account, you very well could be on the way to discovering how to make shower sex better.
1. Get a LED Showerhead
When it comes to the biggest mistakes people make when trying to have better shower sex, I'd have to say that not having the right kind of showerhead absolutely tops the list. First of all, you need one that is adjustable because those are the kind where you can play around with the water pressure and, you can position the head to spray, pretty much anywhere that you want it to. This makes it easy to switch around due to height or to apply the pressure to certain spots (if you know what I mean).
Also, make sure that your showerhead comes with LED lighting. That way, the water can appear to be all kinds of colors while you're in there doing your thing. It's your own light show that can be exciting and sexy. For some of the best adjustable showerheads, click here. For some of the best LED showerheads, click here.
2. Buy a New Shower Mat
Whenever I try and get couples to consider shower sex, one of the main things they bring up is being afraid of slipping around everywhere in the process. I totally get that. That's why it's so important that you have a firm shower mat on the bottom of your tub. In my opinion, you might want to go with one that is designed specifically for seniors because it will definitely have a solid non-slip factor to it.
A good example of what I'm talking about is OTHWAY Non-Slip Bathtub Mat Soft Rubber Bathroom Bathmat with Strong Suction Cups. You can check it out for yourself here.
3. Cop Yourself Some Suction Handles
While we're on the topic of making shower sex safer, something else that you might wanna cop are some suction handles. They are portable cups or rails that grip pretty darn well on flat or non-porous walls in your bathroom. This makes it easier to maintain your "position" because you'll have something (else) to hold on to. The main thing to keep in mind with these is they aren't permanent fixtures. This means that, after a week or so, you will probably have to "re-stick" them.
Also, don't rely on them to hold up the entire weight of you or your partner; they simply exist for assistance's sake. Again, places that specifically make things for seniors are probably the best starting point for selecting the best suction handles. My two cents are that you begin here.
4. Add Some Silicone Lube
As far as what to buy, I've got two more things to add to the list. First is some lubricant. While that might seem crazy to say, considering you are in so much water 'n all, the reality is that water is not a good lubricant.
Matter of fact, just using water alone can make sex more uncomfortable because it has a tendency to wash away your natural lubrication. While a water-based lubricant is OK, when you're already in a ton of water, it's best to go with one that contains silicone. They are definitely great at making everything "more slippery".
Also, they won't damage latex condoms like oil-based lubes can definitely do. As a bonus, many of them are free of glycols and glycerin—two things that have the potential for causing irritation in the genitalia region. Some of the best lubes on the market this year can be found right here.
5. Try Some Edible Shower Gel
One more purchase. Another reason why shower sex is sometimes not as hot as folks initially envisioned is because they're honestly trying to do the absolute most up in there. Most of us don't have a large enough shower to sit in (at least, not that two people can sit in), so we're working with limited space. That's why I don't recommend that you and your boo thang decide to wash up and have sex, at the same time, in there (more on that in a bit).
That said, when it comes to this particular recommendation, I'm all about going with some edible shower gel. If you're not looking to "get clean" so much as you're striving to get dirty, go with something that you can lather-and-lick with. After doing a bit of digging around, it seems that Shunga is a pretty popular brand. If you want to buy a bottle or two of their edible exotic fruit shower gel, you can get some of it here.
6. Bring Some Music In
One more "prop" that I think is an absolute must is music. You can turn up your entertainment system, bring in your phone or invest in a Bluetooth showerhead. Sometimes shower sex doesn't seem all that sexy because, I mean, sex is happening in the bathroom. But if you set the scene with some of your favorite sexy music (and also a few rose petals on the floor of your bathtub and perhaps even some aromatherapy), it can transition the space into something more erotic and less, well, functional.
7. Clean Up First. Here’s Why.
OK, I'm hoping that it's a given that the bathroom needs to be cleaned up before trying to have sex up in there because I can't think of anything more off-putting than a nasty ass bathroom space. For this tip, what I mean is you might want to actually wash up before coitus.
Like I said a sec ago, trying to multitask by having two people in that little bit of space to wash up and then have sex is not only potentially exhausting, it can end up getting you so frustrated that you find yourself saying, "Forget it." Both of you having a seven-minute shower alone and then hopping into together can relieve some of the stress of shower sex. That way, you can just focus on having a lot of fun instead.
8. Engage in Foreplay. Beforehand.
I've shared, numerous times, in articles about sex (specifically orgasms) on this platform that while it pretty much only takes a man around five minutes to climax, it can take us somewhere around 20. That's because we oftentimes need more foreplay in order to get fully aroused. Hey, if you want to spend the time of a sitcom in the shower, have at it. I ain't mad at you.
I just wanna plant a seed and say that you probably have a better chance of fully enjoying the experience if you engage in some foreplay before getting into the tub. Like oral sex, for example? While it might look sexy in the movies to see it happen in the shower, between all of the water and then the crammed space, it actually may prove to be more "profitable" if you do a lot of that first, outside of the bathroom. Feel me?
9. Get into the “Right” Position(s)
Let's get real. Not all sex positions are created for the shower. To be honest with you, if you're not, at least a little bit flexible, this could also cause shower sex to get on your nerves because you need to be able to at least bend down and touch your feet. Right?
Standing up and wrapping a leg around your partner and/or doing a modified version of doggy style (by bending your waist halfway without actually kneeling down) are pretty comfortable positions that can definitely help you to get the job done. Oh, and if your partner is strong enough to hold you up—even better.
10. Make the Water Make Sense
Some folks mess up because they actually make moves that result in the water that's coming from their showerhead to be more of a nuisance more than anything else. Back to oral. I'm not sure why giving oral sex would be the jam for us unless we absolutely don't care about getting our hair drenched—even then, all of that water pouring down from the showerhead can make it hard to breathe.
On the other hand, the adjustable showerhead that you (now) have? While you're in that modified doggy position, you can always use it to stimulate your clitoris at the same time. And chile…CHILE.
Also, some people just hop in there without testing the water temperature to make sure that it's suitable for both individuals. That's why you and yours running your hand underneath the showerhead beforehand is a good idea too. Bottom line, water is your friend. Just make sure to apply it in a way that makes sensual sense.
11. Stay Present
This particular point about shower sex applies to sex, in general. If you go in with the goal of accomplishing something specific, you could end up getting either disappointed or, quite frankly, pissed off. Yes, a few mind-blowing orgasms would be absolutely awesome yet even if that doesn't happen, how about relishing in the fact that you got to spend some quality time with your partner and create some new memories?
If the focus is about just staying in the moment, enjoying each other and seeing where the next moment will take you, I'm pretty confident that you will have a good time—even if it doesn't totally end up being like the shower sex that you've seen on the tube or big screen.
12. Extend It to the Bedroom Afterwards
And finally, no one said that you had to "finish" in the shower. Sometimes, like courses of a meal, sex needs to be taken in, in stages. Foreplay before the shower, some intercourse in the shower, orgasms after the shower. If it's in this order, it still sounds like a really good time to me. How about you?
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
On her debut album,CTRL,SZA crooned about her desire to be a “Normal Girl.” Now, nearly eight years since its release, her Not Beauty line represents her commitment to existing outside of traditional beauty norms.
The singer whose real name is Solána Imani Rowe first teased the idea of a lip gloss line during Super Bowl LIX in February, noting that the release would be happening “very shortly.” Not Beauty debuted simultaneously with the Grand National Tour, which she co-headlines with Kendrick Lamar, in Minneapolis on April 19.
Each Not Beauty pop-up would offer fans the opportunity to purchase the glosses, learn more about the brand, and have the opportunity to meet the superstar in the flesh regardless of their ticket status.
During the Los Angeles tour stop, which spanned three dates on May 21, May 23, with the finale on May 24, xoNecole had the opportunity to test out the glosses included in this soft launch, as SZA revealed in a statement that "this is just the start of other lip products, including plans to launch stains, liners, and creams all inspired by SZA's “infamous layered lip combinations.”
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So, what is included in the first Not Beauty launch?
The current Not Beauty products available are lip glosses that come in three shades: In the Flesh, Strawberry Jelly, and Quartz.
During my visit to the first LA Not Beauty pop-up activation, I not only had the chance to purchase all three glosses but also took a peek inside the blow-up log tent. Inside, fans got to experience SZA’s love for nature and her fascination with bugs, which are prominently featured in her performances for this tour. At one point, she even had human preying mantis prancing across the stage y'all.
There were blow-up photos of the beauty that is SZA for fans (myself included) to take photos, but in wooden-like tree trunks were a deeper dive into some of the ingredients featured in her products and their benefits.
For example, the glosses feature Hi-Shine Lip Jelly and Shea Butter as key ingredients and some of the listed benefits included are:
- Shea Butter - “A powerhouse ingredient, offering both functional and nourishing benefits.”
- Hi-Shine Lip Jelly (featured in the In the Flesh shade) - “Formula glides on with perfect adhesion to the lips without stickiness).
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What are in the products?
Featured in an orange package, with images of a bug and flower on the side, the back of the box reads: “It’s NOT BEAUTY, it just works. Developed by Solána “SZA” Rowe.
As someone who never leaves home without a good lip gloss, I loved how compact the wood panel packaging is. Perfect to slip into my purse, or in the case of the show at SoFi Stadium, into my pocket when I’m not carrying a bag.
Because I’m a sucker for a good black and brown lip liner and clear gloss combo, I decided to wear the Quartz flavor on night one of the Grand National Tour LA stop, and it did not disappoint. I’ll admit, it’s light weight feel made me nervous because it felt like there was nothing on my lips. However, when I checked my lips in my compact mirror several times throughout the night, I was shocked to find that my gloss was still intact. I only reapplied once out of the habit of looking cute and applying my gloss, but not necessity.
Here are some of the ingredients featured, but not limited to, in the Quartz flavor.
- Polyisoubutene
- Butyrospermum Parkii (Shea)Butter
- Ricinus Communis (Castor) Seed Oil
- Mentha Piperita (Peppermint) Oil
- Tocopherol
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Lip prep
I’m a simple girl who loves to stay true to her roots. So ahead of the show, I stopped by a local Inglewood Beauty Supply store and grabbed a Black and Brown shade lip pencil for just under $2 a piece.
Shading the outline of my lips with the black pencil first, I used the brown to lightly fill the inside of my lips before applying my Quartz Not Beauty shade gloss.
How to apply
There’s truly no right or wrong way to apply lip gloss (in my opinion), with this being a brush applicator sort of product, I simply untwisted the top and swiped the gloss around my top and bottom lip generously.
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Results
Again, my Not Beauty Quartz product stayed on my lips from the start of the show, which began with a fire DJ set from LA’s very own, Mustard, to the conclusion when Kendrick and SZA reunited on stage to send us home to their duet, “luther,” featured on the rapper's GNX album.
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Remember When Brandy Said 'Almost Doesn't Count'? Here's What That Means.
Listen, although I pride myself in knowing quite a bit of random information (I get it from my Daddy), if there is one thing that I really don’t play about (and could easily win a ton of money as a contestant in a trivia game), it’s 90s R&B. And when it comes to that topic, if there are three women who I will forever stand 10 toes down on when it comes to them having some of the best vocal arrangements ever, it’s Faith Evans (a fellow Gemini), Missy Elliott and Brandy. Don’t play…don’t ever freakin’ play about them.
When it comes to Brandy, specifically, there is a song title that I find myself saying in some of my sessions, far more often than I ever thought I would — almost doesn’t count.
Chile, that song is so brilliantly written that I once shouted it out in a podcast that I did with a dear friend of mine a few years back (you can check it out here if you want to): “I can't keep on loving you one foot outside the door/I hear a funny hesitation of a heart that's never really sure/Can't keep on tryin' if you're looking for more/Than all that I could give you, than what you came here for.”
Won’t it preach? “Almost” when it comes to romantic dynamics? It’ll have you out here feeling like you’re in some straight-up purgatory because, when you’re not really sure where things stand with someone and/or things feel like a perpetual game of hot-and-cold, you never really know what you should do — and that can have you in a very uncomfortable mental limbo or feeling like you’re in some emotional version of the throwback game Twister.
Today, though, we’re going to discuss “almost doesn’t count” from a broader perspective. I want to explore what happens when you’re in ANY DYNAMIC where it feels like you’re in a state of almost — and what you should do about it if that is indeed the case.
I’ve added Brandy’s jam for you at the top of all of this. Feel free to play it as your background music as we finally figure out what to do with the “almost ish” that is (currently) in your life.
Almost. Revisited.
Y’all, I am so sick of people allowing social media to redefine words.
For instance, just because something didn’t work out with a guy, that doesn’t automatically make him a narcissist (check out “You Could Be Turning Into A Narcissist...And You Don't Even Know It,” “What If It's Your Parents Who Happen To Be The Narcissists?” and “3 Warning Signs You're In Love With A Narcissist”) and just because someone doesn’t “gel” with you, that doesn’t mean that they are toxic (check out “5 Signs Of A Toxic Friendship That Is Secretly Poisoning Your Life” and “7 Signs You Have A Toxic Relationship...With Yourself”) — and while we’re here, just because you hear the same online opinion dozens of times a day, that doesn’t make it a fact. Google is our friend. Open up browsers to fact-check things. It’s a wise move and well worth your time.
Okay, so in order to build the foundation of this piece, let’s look at what almost means (even though I’m sure that you basically know):
Almost: very nearly; all but
Synonyms: approximately, essentially, most, relatively, practically, virtually, about
It is a very wise man who once said that “The worst lies are 99 percent true” — and that is what’s so wild about almost: It can be so close to being something that you will think that it is that thing…when it actually…isn’t. You can literally have close to 99 percent of everything that you needed, wanted or required and that missing one percent can still totally jack you up out here.
A good example? A condom. If you go to pretty much any health-related website, it will say something along the lines that — eh hem — when used perfectly, condoms are somewhere around 98 percent effective. And yet, while I do tend to roll my eyes whenever folks (in general) end up pregnant and shocked, all the while claiming to have used them (because I also know that only one-third of men and one-fourth of women use condoms and even they don’t consistently), I am aware that there are some people who are being completely honest: they used them, each and every time, correctly, and still…a positive pregnancy test result. And that’s because condoms are ALMOST totally reliable. Not totally, though.
Or a white lie. Oh, those are the “best” and most damning ones because they have so much truth to them that the deceptive part is super subtle. Hmph. It makes me think of a rather young South Korean artist (in her 20s) by the name of Dahyun. She once said, “When you love someone, or when someone is special to you, there are situations where little white lies are necessary.” Yeah, that makes me think of a quote by an author named T.J. Klune; he once said, “I lied to you because I thought it’d be easier for you, but I was really just trying to make it easier for me” — and he’s exactly right.
One of the greatest lies anyone can tell is that they are lying to protect or help another individual. More times than not, it’s a form of cowardice, because people don’t want to deal with the accountability (or even possible fallout) from telling the truth. Proof of this is a white lie: enough truth to cleverly hide the deceptive or omitted part(s).
Yeah, that’s what can trip you up about being involved in things that are “almost” what you are looking for or expecting: they can be so close to being on the mark that you let your guard down to the point where they can actually end up catching you off guard in some pretty profound ways.
The Difference Between ALMOST and POTENTIAL
Before we go even deeper, I do think that it’s important to explain the difference between almost and potential because, although they might seem like the same thing, they actually aren’t.
Say that you are working at a company where there is plenty of room for growth and promotion; that is potential. Potential is about possibility and capability. Sure, it may not have happened yet; however, you see plenty of signs that it really could. Okay, but after working there for two years and running circles around many of your co-workers with your performance, you keep getting passed over for other positions — and that is when almost comes into play.
What has you trying so hard is the POTENTIAL of what could be. What has you disappointed is things keep ALMOST happening — almost yet nothing more.
Let’s do relationships. Personally, I think it is hella arrogant and a bit delusional to say, “I don’t date for potential.” Umm, everyone out here is potential-in-progress, so are you saying that you want people to grant enough patience to allow you to keep evolving and transforming when you won’t extend the same grace their way? Gimme a break. There is nothing wrong with seeing someone’s potential and wanting to have a front seat in their life in order to encourage and support it. The issue comes in when they keep “almost” getting there without ever actually hitting their goals — and the reason why that’s problematic is…what is keeping you stuck at “almost”?
Example. Say that you’ve been exclusively dating someone for 15 months. You get along well, your family members and friends like you together and you seem to have similar life values and ambitions. Thing is, you want to get married within the year and he says that he wants to have a certain amount of money saved up before jumping the broom. The POTENTIAL of you becoming his wife is if you notice that he really is stacking paper. You ALMOST marrying him is when you factor in all of the other stuff that I said and yet his money is still funny (because he’s misspending, not saving or he’s simply not prioritizing like he said that he would).
Do you see the difference between what potential and almost look like and why “almost” can be so much more mentally draining and emotionally dangerous? “Almost” can — and oftentimes will — have you wasting precious time because it can deceive you with a feeling of “someday.” And that’s because things are so close to becoming a reality and yet, they never end up coming into full fruition.
And that, my friend, is why Brandy’s song is right on the money — at the end of the day, “almost doesn’t count” because, if you keep experiencing “most” or “practically” or “very nearly” of something or even someone and yet what is required for that something to actually become all of what you desire never manifests…what that ultimately boils down to is it — whatever “it” is — is really not much of anything at all.
It’s basically like what a playwright by the name of Nikita Gill once penned: “The saddest word in the whole wide world is the word 'almost'. He was almost in love. She was almost good for him. He almost stopped her. She almost waited. He almost lived. They almost made it.” It’s like…if it almost happened yet didn’t…why does the almost really even matter (much)?
At the end of the day, when it’s all said and done, other than (hopefully) the lessons learned…it…doesn’t.
Someone Who “Almosts” You? That Is a Conscious Decision.
And here’s the wild thing about the person who “almosts” you — nine times out of 10, they know exactly what they are doing. The boss who almost promotes you and yet doesn’t…over and over again? You think they don’t have a self-serving strategy (or is it stratagem?) in that? The boyfriend who almost proposes (tells you that he wants to marry you while months to years later, he doesn’t do anything to prove that) and yet never does? You think he’s not aware of what’s going on? Oh, take it from me — the “almost folks” like being that way.
Why? I mean, think about it: If you are giving someone just enough for you to get what you need out of them without giving them all of what they want in the process, why not keep them in the cycle of “almost”? Let’s circle back to Brandy’s chorus to further illustrate the point:
I can't keep on loving you one foot outside the door
I hear a funny hesitation of a heart that's never really sure
Can't keep on tryin' if you're looking for more
Than all that I could give you, than what you came here for
Look at what she was doing: she kept on trying while he kept on hesitating. And what this basically means is she was mistaking almost for potential. And you know what? He was letting her because he was benefitting from all of her trying and, although she was getting something in return (maybe even 99 percent of what she was looking for), his hesitation was causing her to see that something isn’t everything…and everything is what she deserved — and still, he chose not to do that.
HE CHOSE NOT TO DO THAT. He chose to remain in the relational purgatory of “almost” because he didn’t want to be “all in.” He was right where he wanted to be and if that kept her uncomfortable…so be it.
See how ugly, self-serving and manipulative “almost” can be?
Do you see why we need to stop romanticizing it because it really shouldn’t count?
What Should the Shelf Life of Almost Be?
So, final question with this: When it comes to the “almost” areas of your life, how long should you allow them to last? Honestly, I think the answer to that lies in the definitions of the word “almost.” You see, the reason why most of us even notice that we have an “almost situation” going on is because there is a need (sometimes a want) that is going unmet to the point where we aren’t satisfied. And since one definition of almost is “all but” — what is the ALL and then what is the BUT?
Once you figure that out, it’s time to address the “but” part with the individual who isn’t providing it — and honestly, not just their response (words) but their reaction (actions) will let you know what the shelf life of the almost needs to be.
Case in point: When it comes to some of the couples who I work with, sometimes one of the partners goes through a significant change and they want their spouse to quickly adapt to that fact. Usually, the change within wasn’t instantaneous, and so, I share that it’s unfair to expect that to happen immediately; usually, a fair amount of time should be allotted. The relationship is ALL good in every area BUT where the evolution is transpiring. If the spouse’s response is, “Give me a minute to get used to this new you,” the partner should. The spouse is almost where they can accept matters. They just need a bit more time for the almost to turn into “I’m good now.”
However…say that you have a friend who you like and enjoy just about everything about them. The challenge is the fact that they want you to be on-call for their issues and gripes and yet, whenever you need them to do the same thing for you, they are more unavailable than not. Not only that but, whenever you bring it up, although they acknowledge your point, time and time again, nothing ever changes; you still pick up their calls at 11 p.m. while you are still leaving voicemails when you reach out their way. If that is indeed the case, that makes me think of an Instagram post that I recently watched that is underneath this last point. In it, the content creator says, “It’s so important to know where people go. Your feelings will be less hurt.”
And along these same lines, it’s important to know an “almost” when you see it. Isn’t it interesting that one definition of almost is “all but” and to that, I think most of us have heard that whenever you use “but” in a sentence, it negates pretty much everything that you said before it. Chile, if someone is doing all BUT and the BUT is a really big deal to you…does the “all” really “scratch your itches” like you need them to? And again, if they are refusing the “but” (and the “but” is realistic, by the way), isn’t that saying a lot about how they see you and y’all’s dynamic? I would certainly think so.
So, how long should the shelf life of an almost be? Long enough to articulate your needs, for the person to hear them, and then make adjustments. If no adjustments are made…almost is probably where things are going to remain — what you choose to do about that is on YOU not THEM. How long you take speaks to how much you value…yourself.
All this from the word “almost”? Yep. You can thank Brandy for that. LOL.
You deserve to get and have what you need. If you’re almost getting it, remember what Brandy said: When it’s all said and done, sis…almost doesn’t count.
A white lie will tell you it does.
The truth has just revealed — otherwise.
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